Amit Neeru interview about living in

Actress Jaya Bhattacharya is blunt and open about her lifestyle. She's living in with partner Mazahaar Rahim and she doesn't have any intention of hiding the arrangement. "I don't want ties or children. I want to earn lots of money," she says, and adds, "So this arrangement suits me admirably."

Think back. Could the actress have openly said that 20 years ago? Would she have uttered such words for the world to hear a decade ago when her relationship started?

Let's face it. The winds of change have been blowing across the country and living together — out of wedlock — is no longer a big deal. What's more, it is also no longer the Beat Generation statement of rebellion that it once was.

"It is a cosmopolitan trend. In small towns, neighbours would make your life miserable if you happened to be living with your boyfriend. No one in a metro really cares what is going on in the other person's life nowadays. And if your boyfriend is staying with you half the day anyway, how would it matter if he lives with you?" reasons actress Archana Puran Singh who lived in with her actor husband, Parmeet Sethi, for several years before they tied the knot.

For Puran Singh and Sethi, their living together had an unromantic beginning. In those days Sethi, who was a struggling actor, would come over to visit her and stay the whole day. In the evening he would borrow auto fare from her to go home and return once again in the morning. "So I suggested that he'd better move in with me as we were spending most of our waking hours together anyway. At night I would feel worried because he would be very sleepy while returning home," recalls Singh.

Look around you. While we've been looking the other way, this matter-of-fact attitude towards live-in relationships has finally begun to spread. Scores of television stars and celebrities are living-in openly. Think of names like Maria Goretti, Kamal Hasan, Sushmita Sen, Vikram Bhatt and Lara Dutta. If that's not enough, how about Saif Ali Khan and author Rana Dasgupta?

"No wedding, no security, no alimony. It is strictly a relationship with all the fringe benefits of matrimony and no legal attachments. Besides, in a live-in situation you don't need to hurl the one-liner that inevitably creeps in to a marriage: We should have waited a little bit longer!" says Seema Kapoor, a 26-year-old mediaperson who lives with her 28-year-old boyfriend, a call centre executive, and does not have any qualms about talking about it.

"Nowadays, who needs a social stamp? It's mainly about being happy while doing your own thing," says model-actor Adam Bedi who has been living with actress-girlfriend Nisha Harale for the last four years in a rented apartment in Versova.

The couple met when Colorado-based Bedi came to India for a holiday and Harale, a Gulf-Air air-hostess, gave up her Bahrain-based job to explore the modelling world in Mumbai. Says Bedi, "I spotted Nisha on the dance floor of a discotheque and couldn't take my eyes off her. Two days later, I asked her out. There came a time when Nisha would arrive home with a suitcase and stay for a few days. So, I told her that it would not be a problem if she kept a few things at my place."

Inevitably, there's no special magic to living in. The first few weeks or even months are great, but then the trivialities of everyday existence do take over. After a little time your partner is no longer your dream come true. Every discussion turns into an argument. What do you do then?

"There are adjustment problems. Like Adam is a non-vegetarian and I am a die-hard vegetarian. He likes to watch sports channels while I like to surf entertainment channels. And like any other guy, he is a gadget freak. We still fight over the TV remote. However there's an understanding and if for instance, I am not well, he cooks," explains Harale.

But a live-in relationship is still a commitment. You have to share costs, household chores and most importantly allow each other space. You have to learn to negotiate and accept that sometimes you can't have everything your own way. "You grow a lot in any live-in relationship. You mature in a way you never did while staying with parents," says Kapoor.

For parents, who have a different set of values and traditions, accepting things can take time. "It was kind of a tacit approval where my parents were concerned. I never openly told them about it because it would be uncomfortable for them. But belonging as they did to an older generation, I am grateful that they gave me quiet support," says Singh.

But this is perhaps where the biggest changes have taken place. Many young couples are living together and not hiding it from their parents and family. Take Harale's family who were initially apprehensive about it. They could not relate to their daughter living in with an American boyfriend in Mumbai. "There was emotional blackmail — mostly about how our situation could affect the future of my younger sister, Nikita. My father comes from a typical Marathi background and my mother is a conservative Goan Christian. Which is why I salute them for coming to terms with my decision," she says. It didn't help that Adam's father, Kabir Bedi, was known for his many relationships. "When all this was going on, my dad would smile and say, 'I don't think my reputation helps much,'" laughs Bedi.

For television actor Mohan Kapoor and his co-star Achint Kaur, it was a conscious decision to live in. The decision to move in together (which she refers to as co-habitation) was not an easy choice for Kaur. "My family in Meerut had a tough time accepting Mohan," she says. Even then she did not believe in hiding the truth about their relationship. "Over a period of six-and-a-half years it has become okay. At the time we started going around, both of us were looking for a house. So we decided to live together."

If it happens in real life, reel life's got to catch up too. So in Yashraj Films' lighthearted caper Salaam Namaste, you have the young chirpy duo of Preity Zinta and Saif Ali Khan playing a couple who after a flash courtship, decide to move in together, fall in love and fall out... all under the same roof.

Says Harale, "I think in India there is a split personality problem. It's okay to see films like a Salaam Namaste and feel that you can accept it, but the moment it actually happens to you or someone close to you, you're convinced you cannot. People tend to tag you as a wild child, as a best friend's mother thought of me till she actually got to know me." Bedi and Harale often have to hide their live-in status.

They were forced to play a married couple during a recent trip to a Lakshadweep diving resort. "My diving instructor told me that it would be better if we posed as a married couple. Otherwise, the local authorities might have had a problem about our sharing a room," says Harale.

Is living in a better arrangement? Many young people claim there is an absolute lack of commitment and no legal attachments or obligations. A person is free to walk out of a relationship as and when he or she feels like it without the threat of court cases or alimony. "I see living-in as an acid test. If it does not work out, there are no broken hearts or messy divorces. At least you would not be tagged a divorce and believe me, that it is a taboo word universally," says Singh.

Kaur adds, "True, a live-in relationship does not enjoy the sense of security that marriage gives. But, since both of us have had failed marriages behind us, we wanted to be sure of ourselves." Incidentally, Kaur and Kapoor live together with Kaur's son from her previous marriage.

But does a live-in relationship necessarily lead to wedding bells? In some cases, yes they do. For most couples say they wouldn't waste money, time and emotion on a relationship if it weren't long-term.

Television actors Amit Sadh and Neeru Bajwa who have been living together for the last one year have definite plans of tying the knot. "I'd proposed marriage to Neeru in the beginning itself and made my intentions clear. But we wanted to secure our finances before we took the plunge," says Sadh who met Bajwa on the sets of the serial Guns '' Roses and quickly proposed.

Singh points out that she and Sethi were clear about one thing. Marriage would not change their relationship and they were determined to not become a stereotypical married couple. "We decided to take our live-in relationship one step forward. I still like to refer to him as my boyfriend," smiles Singh.

According to psychiatrist, Dr Samir Parikh, social parameters usually lead a couple to take a live-in relationship to the next level — marriage. "We are social beings after all and we crave security that is known to be available in matrimony. So there is a natural transition from living-in to marriage. I don't think there is anything wrong in having a live-in relationship especially if both the partners feel that they need more time to decide on taking the big step and making a lifetime commitment," he says.

Filmmaker Vikram Bhatt who lives in with actress Amisha Patel believes that no relationship is free of commitment. He reckons that a live-in relationship is a 50 per cent commitment. "I have gone through a divorce and a live-in and I still feel that marriage is a better option. Live-in is like saying, 'I am living with you now, but I don't know about tomorrow'. I would like to grow old with my partner in a marriage," he says.

In actual fact, as many dewy-eyed young couples rapidly discover, there isn't much difference between a live-in relationship and marriage. "In both, if you love the other person, you are in it for keeps. Once you live together out of love, it is hard to quit or leave," says Bedi who believes that a live-in relationship can be much stronger than a marriage. He reckons if there is the liberty to walk out in a live-in, then the flipside is that, it needs even more commitment to make it work.

And, as anyone who has broken up will testify, the end of a live-in relationship can be just as traumatic as a divorce — except that there are no legal battles to face. "Any break-up is equally messy. I have come across people who are distressed in the aftermath of a break-up. It is a normal reaction like you would see in any other relationship parting ways. If I get such emotionally wrought people as clients, I usually try to bring them back to a normal lifestyle," says psychiatrist Parikh.

Perhaps that's a reminder that in changing times, there are some things about relationships that never change.

Photograph of Adam Bedi and Nisha Harale by Gajanan Dudhalkar
Location courtesy: Rain Bar and Eatery