Part I- Sid/ Riddhima: Don't say alvida..
"Bas Sid...ab aur nahi, ab mujhse aur nahi hota". Riddhima whispers, her eyes tight shut her lips quivering. She sighs and slowly looks up towards Sid, they glisten with fresh tears, " Kitni baar..kitni baar tumhe samjhane ki koshish ki maine..." She trembles due to the feeling of defeat that overwhelms her, she shrugs shaking her head "mujhe to yeh bhi nahi pata ke aisi kaunsi ghalti kardi maine, jo mujh par se tumhara bharosa hi utgaya? Meri kisi bhi baat ko maan ne ke liye taiyaar hi nahi ho tum. " She looks at Sid, her eyes pleading, questioning, requesting him to explain to her where it had all gone wrong.
A foot away Sid stands with his arms crossed over his chest, tight, deflecting any attempt of her words to shatter the wall between them, making the distance between them seem like an eternity rather than just a few steps. He exhales abruptly and scowls, tired of her ignorance. Despite Riddhima's best efforts to try to win him over, the image of her and Armaan kept playing over and over like a broken record in his mind. At this present moment in time, the last thing he wanted to do was to comfort her. Why was she crying? Because she had finally been caught?
She was not the one who had stupidly waited on the terrace to resolve their problems, she was not the one who had driven all the way to Lonavala just for the sake of a smile, she was not the one who had ultimately seen her spouse in the arms of another...she was not the one whose heart had shattered at the sight.
Then why was she crying, how come she was the one who was in pain?
...No, this wasn't pain; this was guilt. Pure selfish guilt.
Riddhima could sense Sid's anger, she could see his stance turn rigid, she could feel the tension his body was generating towards her, she knew that he wasn't listening to a word she was saying...yet again. Crushed, she exhales deeply, looking away, acknowledging that there was actually nothing she could do to make it better, the only option now was this last option. Turning around she reaches out towards the black holdall containing her clothes and a photo of their wedding day ...a flood of memories bloom before her eyes.
"Mat jao".
Riddhima looks up in surprise and a wide smile forms across her face, she turns to look at her Sid, her eyes already brimming with tears of joy and happiness, Sid had stopped her...
..but the smile wipes off her face immediately.
Sid stands in the same position, looking at her through the corner of his eye and looking away with a blink when he senses her observing him. Perplexed, she looks around confused, as if searching would actually change the bitter Sid before her to the one she had imagined smiling softly at her with a twinkle in his eyes.
She apprehends soon enough that it had been her mind playing cruel tricks on her, telling her what she had wanted to hear, giving her a hope; and when the candle was finally lit, she was thrown back to reality to experience the torment that cut her and bruised her and burned her from within.
Without hesitating this time, Riddhima seizes the handles of the bag, disregarding all the moments which try and hold her back. Without looking at Sid, she whispers "Agar main tumhare bharose ke layak nahi hoon Sid, to mujhe tumhare ghar mein bhi rehne ka koi haq nahi..." Acknowledging him, and even quieter she murmurs "aur shayad yehi teek hai, yehi humare rishte ki sachai hai"...
Undoubtedly, she would never believe what she had just said.
Instead, she takes a long look at Sid, her shoulders drop and her head tilts, a despondent smile on her face, tears effortlessly trail down her face. Something she had, but she could not claim...or something she could claim, but she did not have?
How had it come to this? Taking one long look at Sid she suddenly realises he's waiting...she blinks away embarrassed and composes herself.
'Goodbye', she thinks.
Ambling deliberately, Riddhima moves past him, emphasising each step, giving him every opportunity to stop her like he had last time, her wrist expecting the clasp of his hand, her feet fighting the movement, wanting to halt in their tracks due to his hold, preventing her from stepping towards the gaping door as if it were awaiting her.
Alas, nothing as such happened.
Only too soon Riddhima finds herself at the threshold. One last step and she would be out, out of their house, out of his life.
She is about to lift her foot,
"Agar tumne khabie zindagi mein, mere liye aisa feel kiya ho, to aaj is ghar ki dheleez paar karke tum nahi jaaogi"...and stops.
How much she would love for him to say it again, just this once, just to give her another chance and she would prove that he had made the right decision.
She looks over her shoulder, contemplating her Sid, in that white shirt, his hands casually in his pockets waiting for her to make her choice, to leave or shut the door, yet secretly knowing what she would do...
Sid stands there facing her, his mouth slightly open as if forming words to speak, his arms by his sides as if anticipating something, he awkwardly looks away when he sees her trying to decipher his reaction.
'She wanted a reaction?!?...' he scrutinises.
Clenching his teeth, giving Riddhima a final deathly stare, he looks away and turns hastily towards the opposite direction, striding away deeper into the other side of the house, further and further away from Riddhima...
She gasps, a sharp intake of breath at his harsh gesture,
tears piercing her eyes, blurring her vision yet she widens her eyes to make
sure what she had witnessed was true. What had she done? Where was her Sid? Her
expression crumbling, she clenches her eyes shut, putting her hand over her
mouth to refrain the sobs leaving her mouth to be noticed. Dejected she
hurriedly turns and treads out the door, not once giving herself the chance to
look back again...
----------------
Part II: Sid ' I've given you too much...I'm taking back my love..'
Sid takes the first instance he can to sneak a glimpse of
Riddhima from around from the pillar where he hides, just until she left. A
pang of guilt stabbed at a corner of his heart somewhere, a rising pain and a
sinking feeling of loss simultaneously interchanging deep down in his chest. He
could feel moisture in his eyes as they tried and failed to establish Riddhima
from where she had just stood at the door, now not even the slightest proof
remained of her presence eventhough he had felt it just a moment before.
He wipes away the evidence of regret from his eyes with the back of his hand. No, he couldn't feel weak or blameworthy for Riddhima's poignant departure, this had been necessary. All the way through their relationship he had done so much, without even being asked. From marrying Riddhima to trying to reunite her with Armaan. His act had been foolish he accepted that now, but once there had been a small ray of optimism that Riddhima could actually value their marriage over her past, he had not left a stone unturned in attempting to sort out their differences.
He had never been so crude as to treat what he had done for Riddhima as a "favour", in fact, whatever he had done was under the presumption that this relationship was for the betterment of them both. Even when the divorce papers had been signed, Sid was still clinging on in desperation on a chance to make it work together, call it intuition or stupidity. However, he had really felt like nothing could come between them, neither legal documents, nor Armaan.
Lonavala had changed everything for the worst; the prospect of his failed marriage had come bearing no warning signs and resultantly all positivity had been drained out of him. The ground should have swallowed him up but now that there was no hope of anything going to plan, it was up to him to make his own exit. His anger had allowed him to partially disguise the emotional distress that had overcome him.
He wasn't angry because he thought of Riddhima as ungrateful, then why did she guarantee her support on the basis of being there for him, just as he was there for her. "Jab mujhe sahare ki zaroorat thi, to tumne mere haath thama, aur aaj jab tumhe saahare ki zaroorat hai to..."
Is that all this meant to her? Returning the favour he had done for her once upon a time...
He sighs...No, he wasn't angry because he thought she was ungrateful.
He was angry because he felt betrayed.
What he had braced himself for initially had materialised
before his eyes at a time when he had been in fact, the least prepared. And
that is what caused the pain; the pain from the fragmented pieces of the faith
he had in their marriage to keep them together, in her as is his wife. The faith
had shattered when he had seen his wife in the arms of another man.
And he was hurting inside and he wanted to be selfish and impose the pain on another, especially the person who had given it to him in the first place. If his bitter, unforgiving attitude was the only method by which Riddhima would experience how he felt then so be it.
Even if her decision to leave had depended on his decision to stop her, even if the mere thought of her absence tore him to pieces...he would still omit from exercising his control, because he knew that atleast this way, both of them would be suffering...
Sid from his loss. Riddhima from her guilt.
He cursed himself for there not being any other reason to
the support she had persistently tried to offer. The only reason Sid's
behaviour mattered to her is because she felt she had been ungrateful.
"Kya
tumhe sach mein lagta hai humare beech koi rishta nahi? " she had asked him.
He
knew she felt only reverence towards him for what he had done. That is the only
relationship she had established between them and this had been given a official
recognition under the label of "marriage".
Yet, his feelings were so much deeper...he wanted her to feel the
same without any undue pressure on his behalf. This had become the second justification as to why he had prevented himself from stopping her. Last time had just given way to false pretences, more
pain. His confession had exposed him to vulnerability and he knew he had only
himself to blame for the angst he felt today...if only she would realise...
No- he was better off without her; there was no point in stopping her when her existence in his life was for the wrong reasons. He was selfish enough to give her pain, yet selfless enough to give her up when he knew she didn't belong with him...
Sid glances at the door a last time before limping away to his room where, he acknowledged, only more emptiness and solitude was waiting to greet him...he reassured himself with the idea that atleast if not people then his atmosphere reflected how he felt....perfectly...
>>>>>>PART III = PAGE 4! <<<<<<<
Hey Guys, hope y'all liked it! (if so press the button and show me your love :P)
Cheeers me dears! Love and jhappis! N Xx
comment:
p_commentcount