Hey guys, I started writing this before the episode was aired today, please read it with an open mind as there are some aspects which differ to what was shown/implied today.
Sid is sitting on the edge of his bed, completely aggravated.
He's just told Dr. Shashank the truth.
The truth being the harsh reality that the girl whom he knew to be his courageous, near-perfect daughter, had instead just tried to kill herself a few minutes back in order to avoid a marriage taking place??
No, the truth being the facade that Sid had been a part of for a good few weeks now, he shares the "words of wisdom", wise is he who asserts logicality in order to make the situation better right, ignoring the flaws and embracing the silver lining? Or maybe these were the words of absolute reassurance- nothing more, nothing less.
His initial intention had been to spill the beans there and then, spit out the hurt that had been burning in his chest for so long, he wanted to be spiteful. No- I don't want to marry your selfish daughter, No-I will not be taking the blame for her actions anymore, No-there is nothing you can do or say which will change my mind.
Yet, the latter is where it all went astray. He had aggressively opened the doors to disclose the hushed whispers, unspeakable secrets, truths which were waiting to be freed, the freedom to which Sid also wanted to claim a part.
Instead, he found someone blocking the way, he found himself staring into the eyes of the man infront of him. Sid was abruptly reminded of his first day in Sanjeevani. Dr, Shashank-then and now. A lot changes in the space of a few months, but what now for Sid felt like the space of several years. Dr. Shashank had stood behind the podium that day addressing the staff of his adored Hospital. A doctor, with his composed, level stance he reflected the pillar of Sanjeevani-keeping all those around him intact, preventing the world to succumb around him to any sort of pessimism or doubt. However, the man standing infront of him today was the complete opposite, the slumped shoulders, carrying the burden of an unmarried daughter who had been exposed to social scrutiny. His curious eyes were instead filled with doubt and curiosity today, questioning Sid, almost pleading for hope to push all the negativity away, the bad thoughts which had filtered into his mind. Sid acknowledged "the father" now, it was Riddhima's father who stood before him today not Dr. Shashank Gupta.
And so he had said it, unable to hurt the man who was already completely broken, the only thing keeping him together was faith and anticipation. His faith being Sid, his anticipation being the marriage leading to eradication of the worries which surrounded Riddhima. "Nothing is wrong Sir, we were just getting ready, I came to see how Riddhima was...aap chaliye hum aate hai" The light that shone through Shashank's face was overwhelming, almost unnatural and Sid had to blink to convince himself he was not dreaming. The smile that broke onto his crumpled face was surreal.
Sid had failed to tell him the truth, infact far from it. It was a eminent saying "a half truth bears the equivalence of a lie".
This is how it all felt to him, after Houston, after Sanjeevani, after Tamana, after Riddhima his life seemed to be a comic pretence, where he was the joker. The thought kept puncturing his mind, his life before and after. The carefree, mischievous inattentive American who had been longing to get back to his homeland was a completely changed person. He was so used to trying to make everyone happy, that in this invasive pretence he had completely lost himself. He was the one who was saving the rock from hitting the glass, saving it from shattering into a million pieces, by forming a web of lies in front. When you wanted desired results, it did not matter the means by which he was acquiring them.
Until today, he was exhausted, the lies, the hurt, the selfishness, the faade, all of it.
Admittedly, if his friends saw him now, they would probably faint from the shock and awe of how responsible he had become. The change was not necessarily a bad one, and instead all his attributes had pretty much been chiselled and tested, turning him into a better man. He understood those grateful words now, "tum bauhaut ache ho Siddhant", a dying Riddhima had uttered to him before she had collapsed to the poison running through her body, surrendering her to death. In a situation where he would have appreciated a compliment, he found himself getting angry. The words, he know acknowledged, had not been of appreciation but out of pity. "You are a good human being Sid, which is why I feel even worse you will have to pick up all the pieces after I die"....she might as well have said the words herself; her silence did not change the meaning of what she had already spoken.
He sat there on the bed, massaging his temples in slow circulation, his eyes closed wanting to block out all the thoughts, wishing they would all go away. He had never had so much to deliberate in his whole life, an echo of words, it was as if one voice faded and another louder one took its place, rebounding off the walls which surrounded him and then returning to trouble him again. "Arghhh!" He leapt up off the bed, it was no use, he couldn't just brood here in silence, he had to preoccupy himself. Looking around his bedroom, it was in fact the last place he wanted to be. It reminded him of his bachelorhood, a time where everything was perfect only because it was simple.
The almost inaudible sound of approaching footsteps outside his door attracts his attention. He looks and is confused to find a sheet of paper slipped under the door. The sound of hurried movement fades quicker than when it first started, and then everything is quiet again. Sid sighs long and deep, preparing himself for the unexpected, as if his life could be any more complicated. Sid makes a move towards the paper. He picks up the limp sheet off the floor and calmly takes it back to the bed with him. Sitting down, he scrutinises the paper, a note of some sort, no doubt, but the content is what will affect him. He closes his eyes, considering all the possible implications of reading-anger? Happiness? Sadness? Guilt? Sympathy? All the emotions which had enveloped him these last few weeks...altogether. He opens his eyes slowly, he was a man now, capable of taking responsibility for all his actions. A married man, he could handle this. Nothing could trouble him more than what he was already and maybe the note could provide an answer to all those questions...Besides, he didn't have anything better to do anyway...
Opening his eyes, he flips the page round, Riddhima's elegant calligraphy greets him, his eyes are unfocused and the words look like little ants dancing around the page. He concentrates and it all starts to make a little more sense. He begins to read...
"Siddhant,
Humari shaadi se phele tumne mujhse kuch baatein kahi thi, lekin halat us waqt mere bas mein nahi the'Tumne humare is rishte ko dosti ka naam diya, mujhse ek dost ke naate baat karni chahi. Us waqt to nahi lekin yakeen mano, ab mujhe ehsaas hai ke jo main karne jaa rahi thi, wo kitni bari ghalati thi.
Shayad isiliye is khat mein tumhe wo saare jawab milenge, jo tum phele chahate the.
Kitni ajeeb baat hai, ke aksar log apne sach ko shaadi se phele saamne laate hai, lekin main janti hoon ke agar main sach bataoongi bhi to tum yakeen nahi manoge. Phir bhi agar is sab ko parne ke baad, tum mujhe maaf karsako to '.mujh pe tumhara ek aur ehsaan hoga.
Meri suicide ki harqaat se, shayad tum mujhse abhi bhi naraaz ho, mujhe maaf bhi nahi karoge, baat bhi nahi karoge mujhse. Shayad isiliye main tumhe sab kuch likh kar bhej rahi hoon. Mujhe pata hai ke is sab se tumhe lage ga ki main bauhaut hi kamzor hoon, lekin sach poocho to kamzor bhi ek chota alfaaz par jaata hai. Mama papa ke baadd ab mujh mein wo himmat nahi ki main tumhari sharmindagi aur narazgi sehn kar paoon. I'm sorry.
Maine tumhe takleef ya dard dene ki khabhie koshish nahi ki thi Siddhant. Main jaanti hoon ki haan kehne se phele tum bhi bauhat kuch chaate the zindagi se, tumhare bhi kuch sapne the, tumhari bhi apni ek duniya thi.
...Jaise meri thi. Jab maine is shaadi ke liya haan kahi thi, mujhe sirf apne parents ka khayal tha, socha tha ke haan kehne ke baad main sab kuch bhool paoongi, apne liye nahi to unke liye ye kadam uthaoongi. Lekin aisa nahi hua'Papa, mama, sanjeevani ka staff, doctors, nurses ... har koi shaadi ke baare mein mujhse baat kar raha tha, to ghootan mehsoos horahi thi mujhe. Aisa lag raha tha jaise ek chote kamre mein band kar diya gaye ho. Mujhe kuch samaj mein nahi aaraha tha ki main kya karoon. Naa hi mama, na papa ka khayaal tha mujhe .... sirf ek insaan ko yaad kar rahi thi.. ... Armaan"
Sid squints at the paper, tracing a finger over the name where the paper has crinkled and the writing has smudged. He imagines Riddhima scribbling all her thoughts without thinking, yet the tears flowing effortlessly, uncontrollably. He remembers Riddhima's words on the terrace that day, "Mere mama papa tumhe bauhaut pasand karte hai"'."aur tum" he had responded instantaneously' " Mom dad ke liye itna kuch kar sakti ho, khush nahi reh sakti?"
"Khushi?" she enquired'"unke liye main apne aap se jhoot nahi bol sakti'yeh shaadi hi to sach hai". He closes his eyes, acknowledging every single word which was spoken between them, so much said yet so much unspoken, unheard'he continues reading..
"Maine pichle do saalon se Armaan ko apna sab kuch maana hai, aisa ek din nahi tha ke maine uska chehra na dekha ho, usse baat na ki ho. Humare rishte ne humhe dard diya aur khushi bhi, sapne dekhe the humne saath milke'
Aur ek din, wo har ek sapna toot gaya'Armaan gaya saath mein wo humare sapne bhi legaya. Agar tum meri jage hote, tumne bhi aise sapne dekhe, aur achaanak tumhari shaadi kisi aur se theha hojati hai, to kitna dard hota hai iska shayad ehsaas bhi nahi tumhe'.lekin main ilzaam nahi laga rahi tumpar, aur nahi chahoongi ke kisi aur ke saath aisa khabhi ho'
Meri halat teek nahi thi, kisse baat karti Siddhant? Koi mujhe nahi samaj pata, kahan se baat shuru karti, sab to jaante the'Mere bare mein, Armaan ke bare mein. Baat karne ka koi matlab hi nahi bana'bhagna chati thi sabse, dard se'lekin kab tak bhagti, dard se jitna bhago wo to peeche aayega hi na'isiliye mujhe aur koi raasta nazar hi nahi aaya'
Ek doctor hone ke naate, maine bahaut se suicide cases ko handle kiya'har ek case mein main aapne aap se sawal karti'ke kaise koi apni jaan lene ke liya majboor ho sakta hai? Kaise unhe apne parents, unki family ka khayal thak nahi aaya?'.
Lekin jab koi apni jaan lene ki sochta hai, to ussi ke saath wo koi aur baat sochne ki samaj kho bhethe hai'main kyun sochti papa ke baare mein? Mama ke baare mein? Jab tak unhe in sab ke baare mein pata lagta, main to''naa hi unhe sahaara de paati naahi honsla '
Lekin jab tumne mujhe bachaya, mujhe apne aap se nafrat hone lagi'.what I did was completely selfish and I was wrong.
Believe me Sid, meri harqaat ghalat thi lekin mera iraada ghalat nahi tha' socha tha ke mama papa ko meri waje se sharminda nahi hona parega, aur main bhi is dard se azaad hojaoongi'
Kuch hadh tak, mujhe laga ki mere is kadam se tum bhi is shaadi se azaad hojaoge. Maana ke tumne haan kahi thi lekin faisla tumhara majboori mein liya gaya tha'meri wajah se tumhari zindagi kyun kharab ho?
Maine tumhe ek acha insaan mana hai Sid, aur ab bhi manti hoon. Jo tumne mere liye kiya hai, mere parents ki wajah se'usse main khabhi chooka nahi paoongi' lekin tumhare bauhat ehsaan hai mujh par'kitni baar tumne meri jaan bachai, aur maine sirf tumhe takleef di'"
Sid had pleaded with her, "Please Riddhima, mujhe batao main tumhe aur dukh nahi'" "Bas Sid bas!" She cut him off, disabling him from finishing the sentence, "tum aur kuch nahi kar sakte"'
"Mujhe pata nahi ke ab humare beech kya hai'lekin jaanti hoon ke jaisa tum chahte ho waisa hoga. Tumse shaadi karke, maine apna phela kadam ek nahi shuruat ki taraf barha liya hai. Apni zindagi ke do saal bhoolane ke liye, tum mujhe waqt bhi nahi doge? Ek dost ke naate tumse ye guzaarish kar rahi hoon ho sake to mujhe maaf kar dena Sid, Please Sid, vaada karti hoon iske baad khabie bhi tumhe shiqaayat karne ka mauka nahi doongi, '..
Sorry for everything.
Riddhima"
Sid slowly lies back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling, unaware of what to think of her words, her feelings, her confession. He's not surprised to find that he isn't moved by any of it.
The last couple of days he had made such an effort, acknowledging Riddhima's pain, angst, awkwardness around him but he had tried wholeheartedly to make everything comfortable for her. Reassuring her as soon as he had found out they were to be married, from speaking to her alone, proposing to her to give their relationship a new direction, trying to get her to forget their previous disputes, he had not left a stone unturned. He had used all the methods to try and win her over, so there was no question of him feeling guilty. Yet he still did, an hour before they were to be married and he had gone to make a last attempt, in the back of his mind he knew he felt blameworthy of Riddhima's condition, and that made it his responsibility to take care of her. All he had wanted was to build some sort of trust between them so it made his job easier to understand her, and simultaneously by confiding, he thought she would be relieved of some of the pain. A little step at a time…
Although that's not what happened at all. He was frustrated, at her… at himself. He had welcomed her with open arms, and she had slammed the door in his face. He recalled when he had found out Riddhima had jumped into the lake at Panchgani, "Nahi Riddhima, tum itni kamzor nahi ho sakti…" he had thought to himself. The same thought had repeatedly penetrated his mind when he had seen her lying on the floor with the bottle of poison in her hand. A moment of absolute havoc, he couldn't comprehend the situation-it was just haze of faces in his mind. Dr Shashank, Padma Aunty waiting at the mandap…his friends, JP, Naina, Yuvi, Jiggy laughing and joking behind, waiting for the ceremony to commence…Riddhima, lying there infront of him…a bottle of poison. Was he dreaming?? Observing Riddhima, he knew that he was now living his official nightmare. The doctor-patient situation once again….all that he had gone through in Panchgani to preserve her sanctity of life…yet today his motive was otherwise. He had to save his bride to be. And that's what made it a whole lot worse….she had denied trying to take her life in Panchgani, what he thought had been the response to losing Armaan, but on seeing her in the shaadi ka jora, a bitter truth had hit him, a slap in the face. "Losing Armaan I can live with, but I would rather die than marrying you"…was it really that bad? Was he really that bad?
Ha! …. How fickle the words seem now , "joined in holy matrimony". No one knew that the marriage was a sham, there was nothing "holy" about it, not when it had been stained with disappointment, guilt, regret, compulsion….the one glimmer of hope he had tried to attach was now completely absent with that recollection of her suicide attempt. The vision persistently flashing in his mind, pulling at his heart, hurting him absolutely…
He couldn't forgive her, not anytime soon anyway…she would have to earn the forgiveness, earn his trust, just as he had tried to earn hers…There was still a part of him, though, which still despised the idea of them having to converse again, see each other again. He didn't want her in his life; their marriage had become an obligation, burdening him under its pressure to be successfully fulfilled. And the burden is what he wanted to free himself of. He had wanted to be so much for Riddhima before her suicide attempt, a good friend, a good husband. Her one reckless act had changed all that, if she was selfish then he deserved to be too-why should he care? Nothing existed between them now, apart from meaningless words, pati-patni. For the world maybe, but as far as he knew…tomorrow morning would bring with it a new day. A day with a new pretence, a new relationship, a new lie….a new Sid. Only one thing would remain the same… more unspoken words….
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