I m nervous ...
Dude, chill .. get a grip!! I told myself repeatedly the
whole day today .. but nopes, these nerves are gonna get the better of me!
Ever since I lost her ...I hav sort of lost my confidence in
myself! It seems as though day by day, I m losing myself ... and my talents ...
SHUT UP !!! I tell myself again and again ... dont be a moron !!! atleast dont be something she will NEVER be
proud of, if u cant b something she IS proud of!
Its HER special day today and I may not be the exactly
special person in her life right now ... but I have to strive to make this
moment special for her .. to give her
the feeling - that no matter whatever
happens in life ... there is someone out there who will always be there for her
... no matter whatever path their life chooses to take, my path wil always lead
me to her!
...and then, if words and shame permits, try to apologise, yet again!
I look around to find Sid giving me bored looks and I feel
like hitting him hard! I bet he wants to go and flirt wit Meher, rather than
hanging around here to help me ... such a loser, I swear man! I signal him to hav some patience until we
execute our 'plan' ... and that would happen only when Miss Anvesha Banerjee
Ray makes her grand entry!
.... and if my plan goes well, then in another 3 minutes,
she wil be making her grand entry ...and also a new beginning of her life,
maybe? With me? Without me? Who knows
... I know only one thing, she is a part of MY life and thats all that matters
to me ...
SHIT .. its jus 30 seconds now ... CAN I do this ?? after
all that we have been through, will she be able to accept this ?? Will she be
able to look through the walls of anger
and hurt and have a glimpse of my feelings for her ?? NO, that is not your aim
today ... I remind myself again..
Only 10 now ...
9 ...
8 ...
7 ...
6 ...
My heartbeat is racing faster than ever ... I hav a fleeting
memory of her hand running through my curls at this very moment ... and that has
done NOTHING to calm me down .. DAMN !!!
5 ...
4 ...
I try to locate Sid amongst the hoard of people ... I find
him nowhere! PANIC! I m sure voh kisi ladki ke saath flirt kar raha hoga ..
useless creature! I knew he wasnt dependable! DAMN you sid!
3 ...
I finally see him! PHEW! I glare at him angrily .. he gives
me a look that says "dude, chill .. I know mujhe kya kara hain" I curse him a
few more times ...
2 ....
I nod at sid and signal him wit a thumps up..
1 ...
The lights turn off!
"Yahaan se jo thik lage...vahi karo ... what does ur heart
want ... tum kya karna chahte ho?" I find myself chanting this out loud ... the
silence is eerie ... but just what I wanted...
"these are not jus words ... this is an inspiration ... us din se, jab maine is Universe ki one and only wackho ko jaana hain ... " and I laugh out loud thinking about her facial expressions on me using the word wackho ... I CANNOT see her .. and I realise how restless I am because of that!
DUDE..get a grip! I tell myself ...
I can finally see her face .. her innocent, cute and TOTALLY
confused face! And I feel like smiling thinking how irritated she might be
feeling right now at the fact that I spoiled HER grand entry! But I control
myself ...
"yeh words mere liye bahut hi special hain ..." I continue ".. and today,
its these words that have given me the strength to do what I wanted to!"
She looks ... nervous? Scared? Hurt? Happy? God knows ...
her face seems indescribable from here ... I continue anyways ...
"Ashi..." I feel a stabbing pain in my heart as I take her
name looking directly AT her ... DAMMIT, I m so in LOVE with her! If only I could have realised this
before ... and prevented whatever happened .. never mind! I told myself ... and
try to bring coherency in my words ..
"I really don't know where to begin ... actually, kya farak
padta hain? Because no matter where I start or end my speech or whatever attempt
I am making at it now, its always gonna lead me TO you... mujhe pata bhi hi nahi
chala kab tum meri life ka itna important hissa ban gayi, ki ab aisa lagta
hain...that my life's jus abt u! But u know what, thats not why I love u.. "
SHIT, did I jus say that ??? I can see the look on her face as her beautiful
brown eyes turn as huge as a tennis ball... but I don't care, today..I am not
gonna stop myself...like she always said, I am gonna follow MY heart..
"...its because, tum ek bahut hi special person ho ... na
sirf meri life mein .. balki tumhare life ke har ek person ki life mein ... tumhare
bhaggu ne tumhe specially is earth pe bimbos and pshychos ko thik karne ke liye
bheja hain!" I cringe internally! What a LAME attempt at a joke..it worked
however, I can see her relaxing and smiling a bit..
The crowd smiles and acknowledges their heads in
agreement at me ... Ashi's face still
remains inscrutable .. I go on ..
"U have no idea mere liye kitna difficult hain, to sum up
just what exactly u mean to me ... but I remember ki maine tumse promise kiya tha ... that I would
compose a song ... jus for u .."
Ah! This is the reaction I finally wanted to see .. Ashi,
looking around here and there trying NOT to look at me ... that means she is
nervous! and that means, she is feeling something that I m feeling at this very
moment too ... I go on more confidently
...
"I cannot promise yeh tumhari best birthday gift hogi .. kyunki
yeh song maine poori tarah se compose nahin ki hain.. jus bits and pieces of it
... but then, tumse hi toh maine sikha hain -
ki perfect hona jaroori nahin hain, lekin real hona .. bahut bahut
important hain ... aur yeh jo song hain ... its straight from MY heart ashi ...
mere feelings hain .. jo shayad maine kabhi tumse face pe nahin kahi .. aur
pata nahin, phir kabhi bhi keh paunga ya nahin ... "
I can visibly SEE her moving in anxiety now .. but
nevertheless, curious ... and sad too? DAMN .. did I hurt her yet again?
I decide to stop blabbering, to myself and to my audience
and begin my song ...
As I start playing my 6 string ... I feel my nervousness
fading away with every strum that I make ... and suddenly, its what I have
always wanted do to .. I m so relieved I smile out loud looking at her ... and
to my utter surprise, she smiles back too ... WHOA! Did I jus imagine it?? Or
was it for real.. whatever, I cant believe how beautiful she looks ... and suddenly, my confidence seems to amplify
and reach the skies ... and I realise that the next words I utter as my 'song'
have NEVER felt so right in my entire life than at this very moment ...
Its amazing how u can
speak right to my heart ...
Without sayin a word
... u can light up the dark ..
Try as I may .. I can
never expect .. what I hear when u dont say a thing ...
The smile on ur face
lets me know that u need me ...
There's a truth in ur
eyes, sayin u'll never leave me ...
The touch of ur hand,
says u'll catch me ... whenever I fall ...
U say it best .. when
u say nothing at all ...
And every one of those
times ... when u have been theer for me
Giving me strength ..
and caring unconditionally ...
Try as u may .. u can
never deny ..
Some time, some where
..Ur heart always beats for me ...
The smile on ur face
.. lets me kno that u need me ...
There's a truth in ur
eyes, saying u'll never leave me ..
The touch of ur hand
.. says u'll catch me ..
Wherever I fall ...
And I string the next words down my guitar ... and look
around to see if Sid has remembered to put on the CD of soft music that I have
composed ... he has!
I have reserved this really long piece of music with only
one hope in my mind ... that Ashi comes and asks me for a dance .. I dont kno
whether I should ask her, hence I am hoping she would! Will she? I can already
see aditya desperado goggling at her wit his mouth open like a goldfish .. had
it not been my favourite guitar in my hand, then I would have smashed his face
with it! I can see all the couples moving in to dance ... an absolutely
lovey-dovey moment that wackho totally hates, otherwise!
YET, I can see her approaching me ...
Looking at her expression I know what she wants ... and I
oblige!
We are now revolving silently in each others' arms ...
The next words of my song seem to memorise in my head .. as
I completely forget saying them out loud ... because at that moment I can see
nothing but her in my arms ... after so
long!
All day long I can
hear .. people talking aloud ...
But when u hold me
near, u drown up the crowd ...
She is close enough for me to feel her breath on my face ...
I can see every inch of her beautiful face ... ALL I want to do right now is
kiss her and never let go of her ..
Try as they may..they
can never define ..
Whats been said
between ur heart and mine ...
I control myself with much difficulty ... I can see the
tension building up ... the pent up feelings flowing freely ... and apparently,
so does she .. she breaks apart abruptly ..
and gives me a look thats screaming sorry and nervousness
together!! I dunno what to do ... so I
jus smile an understanding smile at her ... its more than I asked for, anyway!
I string back to tune again ... and begin out loud '
The smile on ur face
... lets me kno that u need me
There's a truth in ur
eyes .. saying u'll never leave me ...
The touch of ur hand
.. says u'll catch me ... whenever I fall ...
U say it BEST .. when
u say nothing at all!
With that, I string the last and final tunes on my guitar
... the crowd is cheering and clapping, however I find my eyes seeking jus one
face amongst them all ...
I look directly into those pair of eyes brimming wit tears
now ... I find something tingling my eyes too ..
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY WACKHO!"
I really cannot say anything more as words seem to get
caught in my throat.
Edited by mads - 14 years ago
comment:
p_commentcount