Chapter 17: If Only…
"You told me you would talk about the game you played with your sister." Shyam started the session by raking her past. Malvika was sitting on a chair on the other end of the room making notes of her own.
Malvika reported all her findings about Shyam regularly to the council. Only the previous meeting had gone south when the council members displayed absolute aloofness towards his treatment methods. She had her own motivation to interview the patients, true. But she wasn't going to jeopardize life of patients in his hand. No one really had an idea about the depth of his psychosis till she received a message from 'Anjali'. She couldn't help but wonder when he would start devolving after the full extent of Anjali's death hit him.
She observed Shyam who was sitting relaxed on a sofa chair and in session with Khushi, who was looking particularly down. Khushi easily exuberate a sense of confidence and aloofness which made seasoned psychiatrist like her and Shyam tread more carefully than usual. Something had shifted and she couldn't understand what.
"Do I have to?" She asked defeated. Malvika couldn't help but exchange a glance at Shyam who had done the same. They both were failing hopelessly to mask surprise on their faces.
"It would help you to come to terms with her life and her death," Shyam said in a non-conflicted tone.
"What makes you sure I haven't already?" The fire in her eyes didn't have the intensity anymore. It was a small flame flickering in wind.
"Do you think you have?" Shyam questioned. Malvika smiled. Shyam needed his psychosis to be normal and do his job as a psychiatrist properly. Life was never this ironic.
Khushi bit her lip and shook her head. "I am not sure." She said softly.
"You can talk whatever you want to." Shyam coaxed her gently.
Khushi nodded her head and took several deep breaths to both organize her thoughts and rationalize the guilt that had been festering in her heart for a long time. The schemes, conversations with Akash and Arnav had occupied her mind otherwise.
"Tara and I were…gladiators. I know how it sounds but that's probably the best explanation I can give. We started playing this silly game of lying and deceit others. One would give out a task and the other would do. Sometimes it would be an embarrassing task like asking out the guy you dislike on a date or something like that. As we grew older these tasks became a little dangerous. Tara was turning slowly into an alcoholic and I was losing myself too much with that stupid game. One my task was to lie one dozen times in a year and Tara would tell me the occasions. I could lie or say that I would pass the current round."
"Weren't there any ground rules for the game? Even the gladiators did, didn't they?" Shyam hadn't really understood why anyone would play a game like that. It was almost as if Tara had a streak of masochism and sadism and had involved Khushi into her disturbed frame of mind. Khushi probably wasn't as strong as she was now. Maybe that's why she fell for this elaborate scheme anyway. There was no way Khushi could come out of this arrangement unscathed.
"There were rules." Khushi stretched her legs on the sofa. She moaned slightly when the soft cushion cusped her body. "Rule number one: Do not talk about the fight club. Rule number two: Do. Not. Talk. About the fight club…." She turned and grinned weakly at him. Shyam chuckled.
"Yes, there were rules. No tasks were to be given which could harm someone else. We could back out of the task whenever we felt it was choking us – figuratively that is. However the jail free card came with a clause."
"Did you two ever discuss the need for continuing this game? Or why she wanted to continue this?" Shyam understood the competitive sisters. But he couldn't understand what the ultimate goal was. In cases it was attention of parents, inheritance even but here there was nothing of that sort.
"By the time we were twenty, the game had started to define us. It was toxic and poisonous. We both felt the ever growing need of adrenaline high – what one gets after a nail biting win. You know something Dr. Jha? People don't become over ambitious because of greed, not everyone at least. Some are there in the game for the sheer thrill of the win. Everything else is just a byproduct. Tara and I were similar. There were certain things I couldn't do what she demanded. I had to pay penalty for that – the cost of my jail free card."
"What kind of penalty?" Shyam asked. Malvika found herself leaning forward to hear the answer.
"It varied. I couldn't finish that lying task. It spun out of control and I was even arrested. As a penalty, Tara then asked me to give up everything I have and live as a hermit in an ashram she chose." Khushi sighed at this. "I am glad it wasn't illegal or her stupid car racing. I used to be scared whenever she drove car in night. She was an excellent driver but being drunk didn't help with her sanity." Khushi missed the look of terror which crossed across his face. His eyes went wide and he gripped the pen in his hand tightly. Shyam's breathing became labored and he perched on the chair. There was urgency in his eyes which neither Malvika nor Khushi could decipher.
"Tell me about the accident," Shyam asked suddenly. Malvika straightened her back and looked at Shyam who was watching Khushi intently. "You remember that, don't you?" There was a trace of anger in his voice. Khushi sat up and peered at Shyam. She looked at Malvika questioningly.
"I don't know what you are talking about." Khushi said tightly.
"Don't you remember that day Khushi? Tara was driving her car and ended up hurting Lavanya – Akash's wife and her friend." Shyam said angrily.
Malvika bristled at that. Shyam was losing it slowly and if she didn't intervene, there would be dire consequences. "Dr. Jha, maybe you should-"
"Oh shut up Malvika. Let's hear what overly protected brat here has to say for the actions of her sadist sister." Shyam said venomously.
Khushi looked scandalized. "Dr. Jha…Tara didn't hit the car…her car was hit by Lavanya. Both were speeding and it was an unfortunate incident. Trust me Dr. Jha…it wasn't Tara's fault. Not this time."
Shyam was way past hearing. "If only Tara hadn't egged Lavanya liked that. If only Lavanya hadn't taken the bait. If only Lavanya hadn't sped. If only Tara had behaved like a normal driver. If only Tara wasn't drunk…If only…my Anjali would have been alive now…" Shyam clutched her arm tightly and shook her. Khushi had no idea what was going on.
Malvika was by her side and pulled Shyam away from Khushi.
"Stop it Shyam. You are hurting her." She pulled him further and deposited him on sofa chair. Shyam collapsed and sobbed at the memory of his bleeding wife.
"She was seven months pregnant Malvika. Several hours after the accident she found out that she was bleeding. She died on the way to the hospital. It isn't fair, you know?" Shyam looked up at Malvika. Malvika couldn't say anything but nod. "My Anjali wasn't even driving. She was in passenger seat, an innocent bystander of it all and she was the only victim. How was that fair? It isn't!" Shyam hissed.
"Please leave Khushi." Malvika turned around and dismissed the patient. She didn't want her to see the catharsis of this talented psychiatrist. Maybe now she could treat Shyam and help him move on.
Khushi's face had turned ashen. She walked out without quipping and saw him for one last time before she closed the door behind her.
Khushi walked back slowly to her ward accompanied by a nurse. Dr. Jha was drowning himself in the whirlpool of "If only…"
She felt a chill run through her spine when she suddenly remembered finding Tara amidst the blood. She had run towards Tara see her quiver once. Tara had looked up at her and gave her a sad smile. And in whisper, she had muttered 'If only…'
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