Jaane Doh Naa
-CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE-
Embracing the Absence
Khushi felt her heart thudding as she ran across the second floor hallway towards the staircase where she knew her father would be waiting. It almost felt surreal that she was filling with excitement, like a two-year-old receiving a present, when two minutes ago she was worried about her stay.
And finally her anticipation died away as she neared the stairs and saw the man himself. Dressed in a simple cotton sherwani, Shashi Gupta appeared no different from when she last saw him, except that he could stand upright with a smile covering the expanse of his face.
Khushi thundered down the stairs, her own lips pulling up with joy, when she suddenly lost balance and was sliding down the last few steps completely out of control.
"Careful Betiya!" Shashi exclaimed, catching her. "What's the hurry?"
Khushi couldn't reply, the warmth of her father's hands on her shoulders making her heavy with nostalgia she didn't know existed until then.
"I am here," Shashi said, reading her eyes like an open book. "And I am not going anywhere."
A teary smile worked up her face as Khushi threw her arms around her father. "I missed you so much," she said, sobs breaking through her.
"Shhh! It's okay… everything is fine now."
And repeating that like a mantra, Shashi patted his daughter, thanking the heavens for her safe return, thanking his luck for not losing her and most important of all, thanking her for still loving him despite everything that had come to pass.
Finally, long after the tears stopped, Khushi stepped away to notice the tear-streaked faces of Garima and Madhumati.
"Amma!" she called, running to her mother, the past forgotten.
Garima was almost stunned to see Khushi approach her, despite all the hurtful comments that she uttered in their last encounter. And suddenly she was pulled into a tight hug as the latter blabbed in top speed.
"How are you Amma? I missed you so much… all these days I kept thinking about you. Your food, your scolding… everything! I missed every single bit of it! And-"
"Stop," Garima interrupted causing Khushi to unwillingly leave her embrace. "Please just stop."
"Why Amma? Are you still mad at me?"
"Mad? Can anyone be mad at you?"
"Then-"
"No Khushi," Garima said shaking her head. "Don't be so nice to me. Not after everything I have done to you. After all these years I finally proved that I am not your real mother."
"Amma!"
"It's true! When I picked up in my arms twelve years ago, I promised myself I would take care of you more than anyone. But I couldn't – I got so carried away with what everyone said that I didn't stop to think that I was wrong; that my Jiji's daughter would never do anything wrong. So no, please don't forgive me. I don't deserve it!"
"No Amma," Khushi said, shaking her head. "I am your daughter… not your Jiji's. If I am anything today, it's because of you… if you didn't take me home that day, I would be alive. If you didn't teach me right or wrong, then I wouldn't be standing here right now. So it's your right to scold me or hate me, because you are my Amma."
Tears began to stroll down Garima's face as she listened to Khushi. She knew she didn't deserve the forgiveness she was getting, but at the same time, she couldn't but be filled with pride as she saw her daughter, her Khushi accept her. It meant something in her upbringing went right, even if she, herself, wasn't a part of it.
Khushi smiled, wiping the tears off Garima's face. "And no more crying," she ordered. "That means you too Buaji!"
Madhumati, who listened to the entire conversation in silence, turned away in response. She couldn't bear to look at the girl, who she destroyed in her ignorance.
"Come on Buaji," Khushi called. "Won't you even hug your Sanka Devi?"
Madhumati shook her head, unable to swallow the lump in the throat. Khushi knowingly put a hand on the elderly lady's shoulder.
"So you won't forgive me?"
Madhumati whipped around at that comment, shocked at the conclusion drawn. "Forgive you? No no… it's you who has to forgive us! We wronged you on so many accounts!"
"It was a misunderstanding Buaji… you can't blame yourself!"
"No it isn't… it was my fault. I never trusted you because you weren't my blood... But today you proved that blood relations mean nothing. What you did for Payaliya… what you did for us… no one can match that!"
"No-"
"Even Nandkishore won't forgive me for this… I don't deserve it… I should be hanged for not trusting you!"
"Buaji!" Khushi admonished. "Stop talking like this! Whatever happened, happened in the past… there is no point thinking about it. I am fine now… I moved on."
Madhumati was about to object, but Khushi cut across her. "I am here only for a day… are you going to make my cry through all of it?"
And knowing that there was no point arguing, Madhumati smiled through her tears and hugged her niece. "You really are Sanka Devi titaliya…"
"I know," Khushi answered, giggling. "But there is a condition – you better make aloo puri for me."
"Ofcourse! With lots of ghee… look how thin you became! Do you even eat anything?"
"Yes," agreed Garima. "You are half of what you used to be!"
And the two continued, not paying any heed to Khushi's protests.
Ayesha watched the exchange from the second floor, smiling at the sight. She knew it was only Khushi, who could make a wrong look right. Within a matter of minutes, she made the entire Gupta family laugh.
"Hello hi bye bye," muttered Manorama, who came out of her room to find the source of commotion. "So much tearz for Phatti Sari?! How pathetic!"
Ayesha stared at the eccentric woman. "Who are you?" she asked, highly irritated with her brightly coloured clothes.
"Whoz you?" replied Manorama, caught off guard to see the rather expensive get-up of the stranger.
"I am Khushi's friend."
"Phatti Sari's friend?! Hello hi bye bye… is this a house or an orphanage?!"
Ayesha narrowed her eyes, not at all pleased with the tone. "Excuse me, we are here on an invitation. Who the hell are you to comment?"
"I'm Arnav Bitwa's Mami. And Phatti Sari did enough damage… how shameless is she to come back here?"
"Damage?! She gave up her life for your family and instead of being grateful that she came back here to make you guys happy, you are calling her shameless?"
Manorama's sarcastic mask fell away as her tone suddenly switched to Hindi. "Grateful? Grateful for what exactly? For walking away from this house and never looking back as if it's not her business? Or for making sure Arnav Bitwa can never move on and for once be happy in his life?"
"So what should she have done?" Ayesha fired. "Your Bitwa made sure she has a miserable life and all you guys did was nothing but help him be successful!"
"She could have at least stopped pretending she gave a damn about this house, that's what she should have done. If she had to leave, then she should have done it the day she walked in married, breaking the trust this entire family put on her."
"And you think she didn't want to leave?! Believe me, she left at the first chance she could. And what trust are you talking about? If this family trusted her, they wouldn't have isolated her for six months. They wouldn't have ignored her pleas of forgiveness for a crime she didn't commit!"
"And you talk as if she was the only one ignored and isolated. Arnav went through the same if not even more. His sister, his Di for who he put down his entire life stopped talking to him. Do you think that was easy?"
"He called it upon himself. He forced the six month marriage, not Khushi."
"Oh please! Phatti Sari deserved what she got… It's because of her this entire family can never be the same. It's because of her that Anjali's marriage, her only hope at ever having a normal life was destroyed. It's because of her, the purest relation this family has ever seen was broken."
"And what about Shyam? Let me guess – he is an innocent man framed by the devil Khushi. Right?"
"He was wrong and he got punished for it."
"Oh," Ayesha said, shocked that she was hearing such insane words. "So you can forgive Shyam for ruining this family, but you can't forgive Khushi for saving it? You really are twisted."
"Yeah, he ruined the family and I will never forgive him for that. But Phatti Sari? Did she really do any better? Why couldn't she just tell us when she found out about that man? Did she really think that by hiding it Anjali's marriage would miraculously be fixed? And don't tell me she hid it to save us, because the truth is, she hid it for her own selfish reasons. Had she told us, Arnav Bitwa would never have married her."
"And would have believed her if she told you guys the truth? No, you wouldn't."
"I-"
"Maybe Arnav might have believed her," Ayesha interrupted. "But you wouldn't have. Because you can only see her middle class status and not your middle class mind."
Manorama gritted her teeth. "I may come from middle class, I may be living off my rich nephew's wealth, but I know the value of relations. I know what it means to love. I felt the pain Anjali and Arnav went through because Phatti Sari decided to run from the mess she created. There used be a time when Anjali could smile just by looking at her brother, but now, it's gone. She can't even trust her own self anymore – that's how much she is hurt. And Arnav? I can't even begin to explain what he went through in the past two years. And you know what's so sad? I can't help them. The only person who can doesn't give damn anymore.
I saw the way she was looking today… the indifference in her eyes, while everyone in this house has practically not slept for two days, trying to make everything perfect for her visit. She doesn't care for them, and my family is too naive to realize it."
Ayesha stared at the woman in front of her, almost speechless by what she heard. And the more she thought about it, the more she saw Manorama as lashing mother at the loss of her children. Was she really that different from the rest?
While she definitely held unjustified anger, especially at the wrong person, it still sprung from the right place.
"So no," Manorama finished. "I am not grateful to Phatti Sari!"
Ayesha took a deep breath. While she could sympathize with her, there was no way she could tolerate the insult of the only family she had.
"First of all, it's Khushi. She has a name and you better start using it. Second, I don't care what your family has been through, because it is nothing compared to what Khushi had to go through. You weren't there when she couldn't sleep at nights, you weren't there when she couldn't step foot in a temple thanks to your Bitwa's traumatizing marriage and you sure as hell weren't there when she couldn't even smile at hearing a joke. But I was. And I am going to make sure that she never goes back there.
Because that's what family does. They help you at a time when it seems like there is nothing left to help, but there is. There always is. So, instead of sitting here, feeling bad for your fragile Anjali, I suggest you go help her. Because it is not Khushi's fault that her husband ditched her. It was her own."
And saying that, she walked down the stairs to meet the now joyful Guptas, leaving a thoughtful Manorama behind.
* * *
"By the way, who exactly is Karan?"
"Oh Karan! He is Arnavji's friend from college. He got back from Boston two years ago I think and has been working on a contract with our company ever since. Akash likes him a lot. He actually believes Karan has a really good sense of business, almost as good as Arnavji's!"
Khushi was impressed. "That is a high compliment… does he stay here?"
"No, no," Payal replied shaking her head. "He lives nearby. He always drops by for dinner though. I think he misses his mother's cooking!"
"Where are his parents?"
"They passed away."
Khushi nodded, knowing the look, which crossed her sister's face, but she wasn't that delicate anymore. She could tackle reality head on!
It was late afternoon in the Raizada mansion, and it was only a few minutes ago that the Guptas left, promising to return for the party in the evening. While everyone was busy with various tasks, Payal sought the opportunity to drag her sister upstairs to ask her opinion on an outfit for the event.
"I think you should wear the red," Khushi finally said, looking at the many saris spread across the bed. "It will go with your complexion."
Payal smiled. "I was thinking the same! I guess our tastes still match."
"Of course they will!"
The two fell into silence once again. It was Payal who spoke next.
"C-can I ask you something?"
Khushi noted the hesitant tone and understood immediately that this was topic best left under the covers. And yet, she couldn't help but relent to the request. "Sure Jiji."
"Did you ever miss us?"
"Jiji-"
"It's okay if you didn't… I would understand if you moved on, if you started your life over again with Alisha."
"Ayesha," Khushi corrected quietly. "It's Ayesha."
Payal nodded, and waited for an answer.
"Can I ask you something?" Khushi asked in return, not wanting to answer the question. "How was everything after I left?"
Payal sighed. She knew this question would come and she had her answer ready.
"Bad," she began. "Very bad… you were gone and Di was in labour…"
"Why did Di have a premature delivery?"
"I found the letter… the letter you left for Arnavji. When I read it, I realized what happened. So, I yelled at him… asked him why he did all this. For some reason, he was under the impression that you and Shyam were having-"
"An affair… I know. And then?"
"All he said was that he had to find you… but I could tell that he was shattered. I never saw him like that… he was almost broken."
Khushi swallowed, trying to push away the lump in throat.
"But it was too late… when he left the room, he saw Di lying on the floor unconscious. We rushed her to the hospital and the doctors said she was in labour. There really was only one logical explanation - she heard our conversation and must have gone into shock. Of course, neither of us wanted to come to that conclusion…"
Payal seemed to be lost in the terrible minutes spent in Lilavati Hospital's waiting room, not knowing if Anjali was going to make it, not knowing if Khushi was gone forever, and most importantly not knowing if their lives will ever be the same.
"But it went okay… right?" Khushi urged.
"Yes… Varun was born, healthy given the circumstances. But…"
"Di?"
"Arnavji was the first one to see her… they were talking alone when Shyam finally showed up, worried. He went in to see her and the next thing we knew, the police arrived to arrest him. It was chaos… Shyam was screaming, begging Di to believe him, Naniji and Maaji were crying, Arnavji wasn't moving from Di's side…"
Khushi, surprisingly, found that she could perfectly imagine the scene in the hospital. "And Di… how was she?"
"Normal… she didn't react to Shyam at all. It was like she was in completely different world where she couldn't hear him or see him. It was almost scary to watch her be so calm as her life fell apart."
"When did the rest of the family find out?"
"As soon as they dragged Shyam away. Arnavji told everyone the truth… but the biggest shock was you leaving. We looked everywhere, but as more days went by, the more Arnavji was losing lost hope until finally, a week later, Di told us to stop."
"She told you to stop?!"
Payal nodded. "Yeah… she said you will come back when you are ready and after everything we have done, she said we owe it to you. So, we stopped."
Khushi couldn't believe her ears. She found it very strange that Anjali of all people in the world understood her feelings all those months go.
"And how was everyone after that?"
"We couldn't be sad," Payal said matter-of-factly. "Because we had a new member to take care of. But the loss was evident… Di changed. She talked less, she stopped going to the temple, and many times I have seen her up all night, unable to sleep. She is so lost that it's almost a wonder how she manages to raise Varun."
"And Arnavji?"
Payal gave her an incredulous look. "Don't be naive… how does he look like now? Other than when he is with Varun, there is always this despair on his face, as if he is burning. As if he lost everything…"
Khushi was determined to keep the conversation going; she was in no mood to listen to Arnav's pain. "What about Naniji, Mamiji, Jeejaji… were they all okay?"
"They were upset, but I guess they moved on. But I know it still hurts them… Akash has a hard time accepting that so much had happened. And I think he blames himself for it… for not being able to protect Di and you and even Arnavji for that matter."
"It's not his fault!"
"I know… but he is their brother. But I think it will get better… time heals everything and now that you are here, their guilt will ease a little."
Before Khushi could reply, however, the shrill ring of her cell phone echoed through the air. "One second," she said, before exiting the room.
Payal watched her sister disappear in gloom. "I know," she whispered longingly, patting her tummy. "I want Massi to stay too."
And she was interrupted yet again by the arrival of a fuming Ayesha. "You need to stop!"
"Stop what?"
"Stop making her feel bad in the hope that she feels bad enough to stay."
"So you were eavesdropping on our conversation?"
"Oh please! You are not that important. I came to talk to Khushi."
"And why do you have to follow her everywhere? She is here for a day, let her spend some time with her family alone."
Ayesha snorted. "Go ahead… spend time with your sister if that makes you feel less guilty. But don't you dare try to change her mind into staying here for another day."
"And what if I do?"
"You are gonna end up giving her more pain. Haven't you noticed how disturbed she is already?"
"Of course she is! And as her older sister, it's my responsibility to make it all right. So you can stop interfering."
"And where was this sisterhood when she lived in this house for six months as an outcast?"
"It was a misunderstanding and I'm doing everything to make-"
"Make it disappear? Well guess what – you are going to die trying and still not make up for it."
"And who-"
"Enough!"
Payal and Ayesha turned around to see a livid Khushi, who appeared to have finished her call.
"Khushi-" Ayesha began, but she never finished.
"What are you guys? Two?!" Khushi bellowed. "And what are you fighting over? Am I some toy that you two can decide when to have and when to throw it away?"
Payal scrambled to explain. "No, listen-"
"No you listen to me Jiji," Khushi interrupted, glaring at her sister. "I am done with this family. And I was done with it the day I walked out. And it's not because I was wronged, it's because I have lost faith. I have lost trust on the people here."
"Don't say that, I-"
"Why not? Why shouldn't I say it out aloud, when everyone was pretty expressive about me those six months? I may be okay right now, but I haven't forgotten anything. I haven't forgotten the nights when I had to sleep out in the cold, I haven't forgotten the times when I had to eat alone, when I had no one to talk to but Lakshmiji. It may seem like a misunderstanding to you, but it was reality for me. A reality of hell."
"I know-"
"And what is even more sad than that is that you still don't get it. I am not a piece of furniture that anyone can kick around. I am a person… no matter how much money you spend, or how many tears you shed, you don't own me. And I for sure don't owe you guys anything! I am here for the party and I will leave once it's over."
Payal was dumbstruck as she heard Khushi lash out on her. And the more she heard the more she was convinced that this wasn't the girl she grew up with. It was someone else entirely.
"And you," Khushi said, turning to Ayesha. "I thought you would understand… I promised you I would go back to Pune. Going behind my back and yelling at them means you don't trust me."
And without paying heed to Ayesha's apology, she left the room, walking past the stunned figure of Devyani.
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
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