Rules Of Attraction#2 Chapter29 Pg125 19/08 - Page 41

Find what you love, and let it kill you.

- Bukowski

It sunk in, much later.

The truth. As the initial shock subsided, fear took over. The fear of losing her. Losing the only person he had ever loved, completely. The fear that one day, he might not have her in his life. Or, in his world. And then a searing pain, tugged at his chest.

Moments later, when he felt Khushi coming down, and sitting next to him, placing her head on his shoulder, he felt his entire understanding meet its demise. An eerie quiet, calm descended around them, belying the gravity of so catastrophic, a loss.

And all that remained was the cold, silent void, where love and pain danced, seamlessly together.

---

The first of the many salty winds washed over their faces.

'I know,' Arnav whispered into her hair, keeping his voice as leveled as he could. She shifted slightly beneath his, lips, and lifted her head from his shoulder, trying to find his eyes, amidst the hazy glow of the blinking lights overhead.

'What?' Khushi asked, not understanding what he meant exactly. But seconds later, when his hands cupped her face, she knew instantly.

Arnav's usually guarded eyes, were then displaying unhesitatingly a myriad of emotions. Shock, disbelief and most of all an unmistakable fear clouded his face.

'I kn…know. I know that you've cancer.'

---

And when Arnav heard those words from his own mouth, he slowly started understanding the reality of it all. The reality that maybe they had little, or no time left at all. Khushi and him, they hadn't even started a life, and something else had claimed it already.

Seconds later. After he had said the words, he felt Khushi's arms slowly going around his back, pulling him closer into an embrace.

---

He stood still. He couldn't move his own hands to sift them throughout her hair. He didn't know or remember any soothing words, to comfort her. It seemed to him, as if time stood still for that very moment.

But he could hear. He could hear her crying. Those heart-wrenching sobs. And slowly they made his numbness ebb away. The way her hands clutched his shirt, the searing feeling of the damp trail left behind by her tears on the cotton of his shirt, told him that she was probably more scared than he was.

---

Arnav couldn't focus properly. Everything was a blur but as Khushi continued to cry, he felt the mist shift slowly. He bent down, slowly lifting her face up.

Her eyes were glossy, her cheeks wet, and lips glistening with a million tear drops. She looked beautiful but it was her expression that caught him off guard.

Khushi looked defeated. Arnav has never seen her like that before and at that moment he knew that he wanted it to be the first and the last time ever.

She did not look beautiful with that expression, he realized. This was not her. Not his Khushi.

Khushi, Arnav thought fondly, was a fierce and stubborn creature. Not an angel, no. Nor a fairy. But then not quite the devil either.

She was the one and the only one made for him and he wouldn't allow a mere disease to take her away from him.

---

He moved, pulling her in for a hug.

Her heart against his. A heart which might stop beating soon, a voice in his mind said.

Arnav tried to shrug it away but he failed. He felt her stiffen and he realized for a fleeting second that her emotional barrier was up again. She didn't move away from him but she had stopped crying, a little too abruptly. She sniffed once, twice.

The tremors stopped.

---

'I'm fine,' Khushi muttered.

'We will be fine,' Arnav said in a voice that sounded determined, yet more on the edge of trying to comfort her. A single tear fell from his eyes landing on hers, breaking Khushi's heart a bit more.

'No, we won't,' Khushi whispered, as she fisted her dainty hands, trying to punch him, push him away. But he stood there, pulling her closer to him, every time she tried to step back. Arnav struggled with her hands, finally, taking hold of her arms and knotting them somewhere around his neck.

---

Khushi finally looked up into the molten brown eyes that were staring at her, since the evening.

'Khushi, nothing has changed, okay? Nothing,' Arnav tried to sound convincing, but he must have failed, as Khushi removed his hand from her cheek, looking at him straight with eyes spitting fire.

'I love you Arnav. That…changes everything,' Khushi said, her voice trembling, as the tears fell again. Arnav pulled her close, once again, enveloping her in his arms, realizing how true her words were and how ironic was the scenario. The very man, who believed way too much in what he saw, read, heard, or what he knew was the truth, wanted to not believe in the facts for once in his life. He wanted it to be covered by layers of obscurity, so as to not face the brutal reality of the fact that maybe the next moment she wouldn't smile up at him. Or maybe she wouldn't clutch at his shirt like she was, then.

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Moments later, he felt the pressure on his shirt decrease considerably, and he realized, with veiled fear in his mind, that Khushi had gone limp in his arms.

She had fallen asleep. One could see Arnav smiling down with relief at her sleeping form.

But that recently familiar voice attacked him again.

She had fallen asleep…tonight. But, the next time?

---

Arnav pulled the thin bed-sheets over her, and pressing his lips to her forehead, he went out of the hut. He wanted to walk through the shore, but his feet ached, so he sat on the porch, burying his head in his hands.

And then, he let the bottled-up tears fall. It felt distressingly wonderful, thought Arnav. It felt like letting go of a heavy burden, yet he felt like it was being replaced by a realization much greater, much destructive.

The realization that he wouldn't be able to live without her. That he was too weak. And there was something about her touch, her kiss, her look, that made him feel strong. There was something strange, yet beautiful about the way he felt when she was with him.

Seasons were changing, waves were crashing and the stars were falling for them. A flickering flame casted a singular shadow, a forewarning, perhaps.

---

The soft grey of the morning light seeped in through her eyes, just as Khushi felt something bristly skim over her cheeks, as the very familiar scent of amber wood cologne wafted through her nose. It was soon interrupted by ephemeral kisses all over her face. Kisses that told her, that she was being held tightly, cherished as every second passed.

Khushi opened her eyes, looking into Arnav's, and she realized that they seemed oddly braver than the last evening.

I know. I know that you've cancer, these words reverberated through her ears, as his lips coaxed hers into parting them slightly, before he glided in swiftly. His deft fingers groped over the grey silk of her dress from the previous night, and Khushi felt herself being lifted slightly. She gave in completely feeling light headed by the ministrations of his fingers over her back. He demanded, and she handed over, with equal, or maybe a little more fervor. And just when she lifted her hands to run it through his hair, he pulled back suddenly, taking hold of her wrists fiercely. She groaned, partly because of the incomplete kiss, and partly because of the pressure on her hands. And almost immediately, he bent his head, gently stroking her wrists with his thumb, before he placed feather light kisses on each.

'I want you to listen, to what I say now, very carefully,' Arnav said, with a very determined look hanging over his eyes. 'I'm listening,' Khushi mumbled, trying her best to stifle back a yawn.

'I want you to pack your bags, and come away with me to US, now,' Arnav's hand slowly cascaded over her slender arms, as Khushi eyes mirrored sheer shock.

'US…are you okay? My sister's getting married in an hour. Your brother…' She had only begun, before he cut her off impatiently. 'You have cancer Khushi. I really don't think your sister's wedding is more important than that.' And then Khushi shot him a caustic look, her voice trembling with pain, 'Yes, it is important to me Arnav. And this was the reason, I didn't want you to know. Your sympathy, this special treatment….' Khushi stopped immediately, as he clutched her shoulders painfully, shaking her this time.

'Are you out of you mind Khushi? Save this sympathy bullshit for someone else. No, don't interrupt me. This thing, the tumor is spreading with every passing second. And you're worried about how I'd treat you?' Arnav pulled her closer to himself, reveling in the warmth she offered to his own trembling body, before he continued. 'I spoke to Ajay. He knows a brilliant oncologist in the States. You are coming with me right away. Okay?'

'Why are you doing this Arnav?' Khushi asked, trying to keep her body from bring wrecked by tears once again.

'Why? Because I don't want to live a single day without you. I want to spend every last breath of my life by your side, not a minute less. Because I'm not letting this stupid excuse of a disease take you away from me. Because I love you Khushi, and I'm never letting you go…never,' he whispered, burying himself deeper into her hair.

'But you have to…Arnav. I won't survi…' Khushi whispered, as he pulled back her face, cupping it in his hands. 'Don't ever say that again. There are millions of cancer survivors in this world. And you'll be one of them, understand?'

Khushi nodded faintly, before placing forward an innocent question, 'Why me Arnav? You could find yourself someone more beautiful, more complete…' He cut her off again.

'I could search every inch of the world, and never find someone like you. I want you Khushi. Only you.'

Arnav gently placed on the bed again, before slowly bringing her lips, her skin to the brink of intoxication. His lips moved over hers, trying to reassure her, transfer the little of his own faltering courage into her hammering heart. Trying to tell her, that he would try to be there with her, always, no matter what.

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