Top 10 Celebrity Insults

10 ~ Myers Boys: Incredibly, Mike Myers's mother considered him less humorous than his older brothers. "Oh, Michael, don't try to be funny," she once told him. "You know how there's funny people? Well, you're not one of them… Would the funny Myers boys take one step forward? Ah! Not so fast, Michael!" Mike's father, Eric, was equally harsh. "I'd bring friends home to play," he recalled, "and if he didn't think they were funny, he wouldn't let them in!" Mike later recalled the first time he managed to make "the house" laugh (at 11, after years of trying) as one of the greatest moments of his life. 9 ~ Previous Engagement: Cher and Sonny Bono were once invited to join surrealist artist Salvador Dali and some other people for dinner at an elegant restaurant. "He must have thought that Son and I would be a lot wilder," Cher later recalled. Minutes after sitting down, Dali turned to his guests. "Excuse me," he said, "but we forgot that we have a previous engagement." Then Sonny and Cher watched with amazement as Dali's party rose, moved to another table, sat down, and ordered dinner. Far from being offended, Sonny and Cher literally laughed so hard that they started crying. 8 ~ Casting Clooney: During the casting for O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000), the Coen brothers approached George Clooney once offered him the role of Everett. "'We wanted your character to be one of the dumbest guys ever," they explained, "and we thought of you!" 7 ~ Movie Classic: Brad Pitt once recalled a "classic" conversation with his grandparents: "'We saw your movie.' 'Which one?' 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?'" 6 ~ Champagne, Breath Mint… After leaving the stage, Oscar winners are typically greeted by two interns offering, respectively, champagne and breath mints. The first three words that they hear as Oscar winners, therefore, are "Champagne?" and "Breath mint?" Michael Moore's experience was slightly different. After collecting his Best Documentary Oscar for Bowling for Columbine (2002), Michael was offered the customary champagne and breath mint. He also heard another word, whispered in his ear by an irate stagehand: "Bullsh*t!" According to Michael, the man, a part-time "Tonight Show" stagehand, later had a change of heart and apologized. Michael graciously told him that he had done nothing wrong. "You believed your president," he said. "You should be able to believe your president." 5 ~ Komedy Kabaret: One evening in 1976, 14-year-old 9th-grade, gangly, squeaky-voiced Jim Carrey visited Yuk Yuk's Komedy Kabaret (Toronto's first comedy club) with his father, Percy, himself a failed comedian with aspirations for his son. After watching Percy's middling performance, Jim followed suit, delivering some jokes which Percy had penned as well as gags and impressions which drew giggles at school assemblies and family functions (including Gandhi, Henry Fonda, Paul Lynde choking on a piece of meat, "post-Armageddon Elvis," and a "Dolly Parton" – done with his shirt pulled down over his knees). The sophisticated audience was less than amused. "They looked at me like I was from the planet Zeptar," Jim recalled. When fans began booing, Yuk Yuk's owner Mark Breslin pulled the plug, as he routinely did with struggling amateurs, and Jim found himself being yanked off the stage by an employee (aptly named Joel Axler) wielding "the hook" – a tinfoil "scythe" on a broomstick – while Breslin intoned "It's a disaaaaaster!" followed by the sound of a car crash and the chorus from Jesus Christ Superstar: "Crucify him! Crucify him! We must crucify him!" The experience was so traumatic that Jim did not return to the stage until two years later. 4 ~ Jacko's Nose: After several surgical procedures (including six nose jobs, and countless face lifts, bone grafts, and eye jobs), Michael reportedly took to wearing a prosthetic nose, without which, according to a Vanity Fair reporter who met with Michael, he resembles a mummy with two nostril holes. Difficulties with this appendage may explain a curious incident which marred a visit to a village in Ivory Coast one year. Michael, after being feted and crowned "King of Sanwis," caused an uproar by holding his nose for the entire trip. He was forced to issue a conciliatory statement through a spokesman: "Under no circumstances would we be here," he said, "if we thought your country smelled." 3 ~ Meet the Press: In 2005, Cate Blanchett (carrying one of Katharine Hepburn's gloves in her purse for good luck) won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role as Hepburn in The Aviator. After collecting her statuette, Cate made her way backstage to meet the press, among them a rather dim Australian reporter with a penchant for asking ridiculous questions. "Miss Blanchett," he said, "do you think this will have a good effect on your career?" Cate's reply? "Absolutely, you assh*le!" 2 ~ Laughter Lines: While attending a party one evening, Mick Jagger was introduced to jazz singer George Melly. "I didn't expect you to have so many wrinkles," Melly remarked. "They're not wrinkles," Mick declared. "They're laughter lines." "Really?" Melly replied. "Surely nothing could be that funny!" And our favorite Celebrity Insult...

1 ~ This Is Easy! England's "Pop Idol" (from which "American Idol" was later spawned) made Simon Cowell an overnight star. Shortly after the show debuted, Simon attended his first big industry party. Standing proudly by the bar, he spotted a cute girl across the room. The moment their eyes met, she strolled over, staring at him all the way. "I thought, 'This is easy!'" Simon recalled. Sure enough, the girl came over and leaned toward him: "You," she whispered in his ear, "must have a very small d*ck." According to Simon he dated the woman six months later "and I verified it."