JeeYa OS: Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai

Saumya had the habit of sometimes getting lost in her head.

Her head was usually a bad place for her to get lost into. It was filled with all the ways in which she was failing her family and herself, how she was a loser, how she lost the plot so easily, how she was distracted so easily, how someone could hurt her so easily, how, sometimes, she herself did not know what she wanted to do with her life, how she was a coward and how she got so scared easily.

Yeah.

It wasn't easy being in her own head.

A place she hated most days.

And then one day, one day she was listening to her uncle insulting her father and she was angry but scared also and then she had remembered.

"Kal Kare So Aaj, Aaj Kare So Ab,
Jaha Dikhe Gandhagi, Jhadu Phero Satasat."

Then she had done just that, jerked the broom in her uncle’s face so that all the dust would give him trouble.

She had been worried then, for her father and for him also, that she hadn't even realise that she had used his words as an way to get over her fear.

Once again, on that day itself, at his birthday party, she had remembered his words when she had been scared to be the only one drinking the Karele-ka-Juice, while everyone, including her twin brother, held a glass of beer.

She had even found the courage to repeat what she had remembered.

"Kadhwi Toh Zindagi Bhi Hoti Hai Bhai,
Pehli Baar Kuch Acha Nahi Lagta Junior,
Naa Beer, Naa Zindagi,
Thodi Si Himmat Dikhao,
Teen Chaar Ghunt Lagaon,
Dheere Dheere Sab Kuch Acha Lagne Lag Jaata Hai,
Swaad Aane Lag Jaata Hai."

And she had found the courage to accept that she was just a girl who would choose Karele-ka-Juice rather than a beer. It also helped that he was the guy who would give her the option.

When her father had found them on the rooftop celebrating their birthday, she had been scared. She had been scared of her father, his words, his health, him. She had flinched away from him, his gestures scaring her, his reaction shaking her.

But more than that she was worried for him, her Jeet Sir. He had just been hurt because of her, he had just agreed to celebrate his birthday. He was already so hurt because of her family.

When her uncle had started hurling those accusations at her, her worry for him had made her realise that there was actually some substance for what her uncle was accusing her of and what her father was so scared of.

She was attracted to him, she remembered all the instances she could not take her eyes off of him. It didn't matter whether he was shirtless, or he was wearing his vests, or he was fully clothed, once Saumya saw her Jeet Sir, she seemed to forget anything else existed.

She had felt his gaze, his fury, when her uncle had rehashed her past by forcing her to remember that park bench. When he had triggered her trauma by giving example of all the vile things he had done to her to her father, who did not even know, did not even realise, that her uncle’s words were so damaging for her.

How could he know?

Saumya never told him now, did she?

Somewhere along the way, she had realised, her father had reacted exactly how she knew he would when she told him the truth. She knew he would stand by her, take her side, fight her uncle, his brother, but wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. She knew he would feel guilty for treating his brother the way he did after he came to know the truth, that maybe, just maybe, Roop Kumar Mathur being his brother would somehow trump Roop Kumar Mathur being her assaulter.

When Jeet had tried to defend her, by saying that it did not matter if everyone knew everything about Saumya, that her actual life partner would be proud of the courage she had shown by fighting her uncle, Saumya had realised how much she wished her father was the one saying this to her.

"What's The Big Deal?
Jisse Saumya Ko Apna Na Hai,
Woh Uska Pura Sach Jaan Kar Apnayega,
Uske Past Ko Jaankar,
Uski Himmat Pe Garv Karega.
Uspe Proud Feel Karega.
Aisa Ladka Nahi Chahiye Aapko Junior Ke Liye?"

When her father had asked him not to interfere, Saumya had been confused. How can her father be denying what was essentially what Saumya had always wanted? She had tried, to understand, she had tried to ask him how it could be so easy, to not think about people's opinions of them, how she could make her father understand that people's opinions of them, of her, should not fuel the decisions he made for her. His words, while true and comforting, were not something her father would ever understand.

"Agar Tum Yuhi Dabti Rahogi Naa,
Toh Believe Me Tum Kabhi Khud Ko Azaad Nahi Karwa Paaogi,
Aur Naa Kabhi Apni Family Ko Iss Ghutan Se Bahar Nikal Paaogi."

And she did.

She always believed him.

She didn’t believe he was in love with her.

She didn't even after she heard him say it.

She was relieved that she did not believe he loved her when it was clarified that he was helping Hridhaan confess his love for Saumya to her.

She believed he would never fall in love with her.

She believed his support, his encouragement, his words, his actions, but never that he would love her.

He deserved better than her. He deserved someone who could see him and look at him as if he was human first and a supportive senior second, someone who could understand him, someone who wouldn't need him spelling out that he was hurt to understand that he was hurt, someone who could read him, someone who could see his tough exterior and still judge that he was an absolute softy inside.

Someone who could get him.

Saumya would never be that for him.

It did not matter that he was all of this and more for her.

It did not matter what she felt for him because of everything.

Her father, his father, her family, his non-family, now Hridhaan too. All reasons that her feelings should not be felt.

He was actively helping Hridhaan pursue her, so she asked him to come on the date she was set to go on with Hridhaan. After their Rishta was Pakka, Paankhi had insisted on a date. She had asked him to join them, at a respectable distance.

He did not love her.

She was not allowed to feel anything for him.

Surely him third wheeling on a date would be of no consequence.

He had laughed and she once again remembered what he had said.

"Ab Kiss Baat Ka Dar Hai Junior,
Hridhaan Toh Dost Hai Tumhara,
Bachpanwala,
Bestwala,
Padhosiwala.
Ab Meri Kya Zaroorat?"

He had come around when she had insisted, and then she remembered what he had said, something she turned into a life motto for herself.

"Chalo Koi Naa.
Tumhara Dar Bhi Thik Hai.
Aur Waise Bhi,
Tumhare Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

She had been exasperated then, but had quickly turned that phrase into an internal monologue whenever she felt scared.

The date went without a hitch, if a little awkward, as she believed first dates to be.

Then they were back at college. They had their hockey match. She had trained but it had been a long time since she had competed. So, she looked at him for guidance, not her coach and fiancé, him, her Jeet Sir.

And he had effortlessly, without uttering a word, comforted her.

She had repeated his Mantra.

"Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

They really did win.

He almost hugged her.

She almost let him.

He didn't.

She exhaled.

But he did praise her, and she did realise that her fear really was followed by him being there for her.

Slowly, she began to incorporate the Mantra into her day-to-day life.

To the point that she was once muttering it under her breath when she had to ask her father permission for going on a party with her hockey team, and her brother had heard.

He had laughed.

And then teased her.

"Agar Tumhare Liye Tumhare Sar Ke Aage Tumhare Jeet Sir Hai,
Toh Tum Toh Kissi Bhi Dar Ko Paar Karne Ke liye Tayyar Ho Jaati Hogi?"

Were brothers always this annoying or was she cursed by fate with her twin?

But she did get him there. He was there at the celebration. Steadfast. Same.

Not in love with her.

And the man who claimed to be in love with her was in love with the person she no longer was.

Hridhaan had the tendency to coddle her. He tried to fight her battles for her. He tried to stop the other girls from mocking her. He tried to make her so comfortable that he did not notice when she was turning uncomfortable. He sometimes expected her to not be scared of anything, of being like she was used to be, and then he fought for her when she couldn't fight for herself.

His ex/almost fiancé was also there at the party. She did have the credit of pulling half of the girls to the team and she was almost an honorary couch by that time.
Dabbang Reva.

She almost always pictured a girl like Reva for her Jeet Sir. Strong, independent and able to handle any situation.

She was not.

The party was on the college campus and their Dean, his father, had arrived for compulsory congratulations along with his wife in tow.

Hridhaan’s mother loved her.

Overwhelmingly.

Hridhaan’s father hated her.

Irritatingly.

She did not get their family dynamics but she knew they hurt him.

And then she was marrying into that family.

She couldn’t do anything as she listened to Hridhaan’s mother gushing over her while his dad gushed over Reva.

It usually was like this.

She still did not know how Hridhaan’s family convinced his father for letting Saumya marry Hridhaan, but she was almost sure that he was blackmailed.

The humiliation of which had ended up falling over him at the end of the day.

While talking to Reva, Hridhaan’s father gushed over how she was so special and she deserved better than a guy who loved someone else. Which was fair. But then he turned it around.

"But Iska Matlab Yeh Nahi Hai Ki Tum Kissi Bhi Aire Gaire Ko Choose Karlo,
Iss Duniya Mein Ache Ladke Bhi Hai,
Kissi Gunde Ko Choose Mat Kar Lena."

Maybe he had thought of what she was thinking but his father was glaring at Jeet Sir as he gave the unwanted lesson.

She waited, and waited, for Reva to defend him. There maybe nothing in between them, but Reva was the kind of girl who stood up for her friends.

She didn't.

She had whispered the Mantra to herself again.

"Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

And faced his father and the woman who hated him to his core, and defended him.

"Reva Ko Kya Chahiye, Woh Khud Decide Kar Legi.
Agar Usse Dosti Se Badkar Kuch Chahiye, Toh Woh Decide Kar Legi.
Agar Jeet Sir Ko Dosti Se Badkar Kuch Chahiye, Toh Woh Bhi Khud Decide Kar Lenge.
Aapki Vishesh Tipani Ki Yaha Na Kissi Ko Aavashyakta Hai, Naa Kissi Ko Isse Naa Sunne Ka Sankoch."

His father’s face had twisted like he had bit a lemon, while Hridhaan and his mother had looked at her in shock.

She didn't get their surprise.

He had done so much for her, could she not really speak one sentence for him?

That really made her question how she would end up in a household that would constantly thrive on insulting him and how she would turn exhausted by speaking one sentences for him.

That was the straw that broke Saumya’s back.

That was the reason she decided she could not marry Hridhaan.

No that she didn't love him. But she really didn't.

Not because Hridhaan was a bad guy. He was a good guy.

Not because Hridhaan loved a version of Saumya she could never be. She could pretend to be her very easily.

But because she could not imagine listening to him being insulted daily and her being unable to do anything about it.

She had found her father the next day and asked him to break off the engagement.

She had cited many reasons. That she didn’t love Hridhaan. That Hridhaan loved a version of her that did not exist. That she was not happy. That how could she marry into a family that had forgiven a cheater.

He did not agree.

And then she had said something and he had agreed.

"Aap Hi Toh Chahte The Mein Jeet Sir Se Dur Rahun,
Jab Hridhaan Ki Family Jeet Sir Ko Apna Legi Toh Mein Unse Kaise Dur Reh Paaongi."

She was not proud of it, it was a low blow, but she had played in the fact that her father hated Jeet Sir more than he liked Hridhaan in his face and he had agreed.

She had beamed, and whispered her Mantra under her breath.

"Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

Only, he had heard the conversation between her father and her and she had seen one time in his eyes and she had realised that in trying to break off her engagement, she had inadvertently hurt him.

Thus began the great divide.

The 6-Gaj-ki-Doori he took seriously this time.

He walked out of the room she walked in.

He stopped talking to her.

He stopped his Sant-Jeet-ke-Dohe.

He left her alone.

She didn't.

She tried to explain, she tried and tried but he didn't listen.

And then their home went up in flames.

With him trapped inside.

And she ran inside with him absent and his Mantra by her side.

"Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

She was really brave about it, she had realised later, when her hands were treated and her uncle was in prison for setting their home on fire.

She hadn't had a single thought in her mind when she had ran inside, her heart beating up a storm within her.

She had found him fainted, the burning dining table on his feet. He was unresponsive.

She had called out and cried out for him. He hadn't replied.

She had pushed the dining table off of him and he had finally woken up.

She had taken off her Dupatta and bound his wrist on one end while binding her wrist on the other end. She had pulled and dragged him out of their burning home.

She had been crazy and had lashed out at him in worry and she had let her been seen by every person in their vicinity.

No one could deny what Saumya felt for her Jeet Sir then. Not one person could not unsee what Saumya felt for her Jeet Sir then.

When her uncle had mocked and ridiculed her for saving him then, she had been enraged.

She remembered his words yet again.

"Yeh Joh Tumhara Lampad Tauji Hai,
Yeh Sitaar Chod Tum Logon Ka Band Bajata Rahega,
Jeevan Bhar."

He had warned her then, that it would happen again.

It had happened again.

So she did what she always did when she was scared. She repeated the Mantra within her, and called the police and had him arrested.

She had him arrested against the wishes of her parents and she had felt his pride.

Someone great had once said.

"Chalo Koi Naa.
Tumhara Dar Bhi Thik Hai.
Aur Waise Bhi,
Tumhare Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

He was always there for her.

In ways no one had ever been.

If only he could stop avoiding her.

He continued avoiding her, walking out of rooms to not talk to her, stealing his gaze away as soon as tried to meet his.

She was done.

She was done.

If anything, watching and saving him from a burning house had made her realise that just because she wasn't allowed to be in love with him didn't mean that she wasn't.

She was.

She totally was.

And he may deserve better.

Better than her and her family that loathed him, but, but.

"Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai."

So she cornered him in college as he arrived on his baby and walked past her by threatening to key his bike again.

He had turned towards her fast enough that she had felt a warmth rush over within her, just for him.

So, here they stood, at the place where she first saw him, and it felt poetic, it did.

He exhaled, his patience wearing thin already because of her threat, "Kaho Junior. Kya kehna hai? Kahin tum meri jaan bachane ke liye mujhse than---"

"I Love You Sir", she interrupted him, her eyes shut close, rushing out the words that were floating within her for a long time now.

She peaked open her eyess to look at him, and he was dumbstruck.

He chuckled, and the disbelief on his face was adorable.

He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, but then snapped it shut.

He looked away from her and she gazed at him, finding his speechlessness endearing.

He began, "Junior. Saumya. Tumhe samajh mein bhi aa raha hai ki tum kya keh rahi ho."

She shrugged, and repeated, it comes easier to her now that she had said it out loud once, "I, Love, You. Jeet Sir."

He raised his hand, scratching his head lovaly confused, "Paglait ho gayi ho kya?"

She giggled, "Wohi samajh lijiye."

He took one step towards her, serious, handsome, and began, "Dekho Junior. Yeh sab behki behki baatein hai. Aur tumhare pujya pitashree ne sun liya toh tumhe pata hai woh kya karenge? In fact---"

She interrupted him, "Unhe pata hai."

She laughed as he spluttered, "Aap ko shayad pata nahi, par jab aap humare jalte hue ghar mein phas gaye the, tab mujhe dekh kar kissi ko bhi samajh aa gaya hoga ke mujhe aapse kitna pyaar hai."

He met her gaze at the statement, "Aap Chahte Hain Ki Mein Akeli Badnaam Houn? Chaliye. Aap Bhi Kahiye. Badnaam Honge Toh Saath Mein Badnaam Honge."

He had scoffed at her and turned away from her, walking in the opposite direction of her.

Only, only, she whispered, "Palat."

It was life and death for her. "Palat."

She was incapable of reading him the way he read her. "Palat."

This was the only way to confirm that he also may be felt for her what she felt for him. "Palat."

And he turned, he stopped and turned to look at her and Saumya felt that her heart was exploding and she knew she was grinning from ear to ear and nothing had been as perfect as it was now.

And he had a reluctant smile on his face.

Oh, she would be relentless in her pursuit of him.

She would be.

And he would relent.

Sooner, rather than later.

Later, much later, when he finally relented and said it back, he would ask her what gave her the courage to confess to him.

She would laugh, shyly, and lean on him as she whispered in his ear.

"Dar Ke Aage Jeet Hai Sir."