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A few days ago, a person who I have known for more than twenty years, stopped and enquired politely as to the reason why I had stopped greeting him with the same enthusiasm as before.
' Its been a year now since you wished me and my colleagues like you used to do before with great enthusiasm. But now, all you do is either nod or raise your hand in acknowledgement when I or the others wish you ' and saying that, suddenly realised that maybe he was exerting himself to a hopeless cause ( me ) smiled and fired a salvo across my bow by declaring to me that life was all about reciprocity.
I smiled and with lightning speed shot from the hip with my gun still holstered saying that, I was only practicing what he had just preached to me.
' I am all about reciprocity and that is why I am avoiding you and your friends without being too obvious about it.'
Bristling in anger, he asked me what he or his friends had done to me to deserve such treatment.
So, I walked him back to that day, when I was shooting some pics of the full moon and reminded him word to word what he and his friends had commented as they passed me.
' Boss, you are always clicking the same moon, sun, and plants. Don't you get bored of doing the same thing again and again. Sometimes we get tired seeing you with your camera raised up at the skies.'
After repeating what they had commented nearly a year ago, I smiled and said, ' I have seen you and the others around Besant Nagar for more than twenty years. But, we have never been formally introduced and that said I don't know any of your names, where you live, what you do and know nothing about your life. Still, you take the liberty of talking down to me, commenting about my passions and then have the nerve to lecture me about reciprocity and life. '
' I am sorry boss. We were just joking and making fun of you. Nothing else.'
I shot once again from my left hip, ' Okay. I will accept that. But, I have never seen you or your colleagues comment about others while they are taking pictures or I have never seen you talk down or joke about other groups of people. Why is that?'
Suddenly for some strange reason, he relaxed and smiled and said, ' That's because we know you for so long.'
This time I shot from the guns, ' You know me? What do you know about me?'
' Boss, stop bullying me. I have been watching your tv serials for more than 25 year now. Now, we all are big fans of your present serial. Obviously we know you.'
' No. You don't know me at all. You know the actor. But not me and the same way you don't know the difference between Public property and Public personality.
Public property is a bus, post office and anything owned by the Govt. I am not govt property. I am but a public personality with visibility and easily accessible.'
It finally dawned on that man as to where he and his friends had erred with me even though it had been in a casual vein.
The boss became sir, ' sir, why didn't you correct us immediately and tell us that we had hurt your feelings?'
I smiled and pressed the button on the Bazooka, ' Because I have better things to do like enjoying the beauty of a full moon and even a waning crescent moon. '
Then with polite smile, and in a polite tone, ' the sun is coming up. I need to shoot some pics. Please..'
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https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-uncover-your-blind-spots
How to uncover your blind spots
We all have parts of ourselves others know but we don't. Gain greater self-awareness by seeing yourself from the outside in
by Jennifer Farrell, counselling psychologist
Have you ever been caught off guard by what someone observed about you? Perhaps they described a version of you, or a particular aspect, that didn't align with your view of yourself. Moments like these can result in a range of feelings, from anxiety and frustration to surprise and curiosity. Often, this other person has pointed out a figurative 'blind spot': something about you that you haven't been able to see clearly.
A friend might casually refer to you as 'the quiet one' in the group, even though you've never thought of yourself that way. A romantic partner might note, unexpectedly, that you're quick to agree to what others want. Or a colleague could reveal that people at work find you intimidating. Examples such as these represent blind spots to the extent that they are both surprising to hear and reflect something true about you.
I've seen this kind of reveal happen in real time, in a therapy group for students that I run at our college counselling centre. In one session, Nathan* presented in his typical, assured manner, offering support to other group members as they talked about the challenges they were going through. I noticed another member watching him intently and invited her to disclose her thoughts. She expressed feeling 'useless' to Nathan. 'He seems to have it all together,' she said. 'We can't offer him any help.' Other members nodded in agreement. Nathan seemed surprised, but engaged. He was starting to recognise something about his willingness to be vulnerable - something he had not seen himself.
Self-knowledge comes, in part, from others
One classic model for thinking about self-awareness and how it relates to others is the Johari Window. Introduced in 1955 by the psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham (whose first names, combined, form 'Johari'), the model describes four quadrants, like four sections of a window. These are:
an 'open' area that includes the aspects of yourself known to you and others;
a 'hidden' area that includes parts known only to you;
an 'unknown' area outside of your and everyone else's awareness; and
a 'blind spot' - the parts of yourself that you don't see, but others do.
Everyone has blind spots. After all, we see ourselves and our intentions from the inside out, others experience us from the outside in, and those views cannot be perfectly in sync. Of course, not everyone will perceive you the same way, or with the same clarity, so blind spots are also somewhat subjective. We have to be careful in deciding whose views to take seriously.
As a psychologist, I've witnessed the long-term value of facing and understanding the unfamiliar aspects of ourselves. Sometimes, learning about a blind spot is relatively pleasant, even if it's challenging to wrap your mind around. If you struggle to view yourself positively, you might not see how competent or kind you really are until someone brings it to your attention. In other cases, learning about a blind spot is uncomfortable, and might provoke a defensive response (That can't be true, I'm not like that...) One of my roles as a therapist is to help clients understand how they might be affecting and coming across to others without their awareness. This can be disarming. As one client put it: 'It's like someone just told me I've been walking around with food on my face for years and I had no idea.' Yet learning what others notice about us gives us the opportunity to consider whether our behaviours are truly aligned with what we intend - and where, or whether, we want to adjust.
Pursuing greater self-awareness can feel both risky and exciting. In this Guide, I'll share some strategies you can use, questions you can ask yourself and others, and important things to remember as you seek wise insights.
Key points
Everyone has blind spots. Those who know you well will likely see things about you that you don't. Learning about these things can help you decide if your behaviour fits what you intend.
Start with the intention to learn. It takes courage and some practice to be open to what you might not expect or want to hear.
Choose carefully which people to ask. Turn to those you love, trust and spend quality time with.
Look at specific personality traits. Consider and ask about some of your defining qualities, as well as the possible upsides and challenges associated with them.
Shine a light on how you are in relationships. Think about how you tend to relate to others, and explore what your relationships are like for them.
Uncover what's beneath outsized reactions. Strong emotional reactions might hold clues to tendencies you haven't recognised yet.
Evaluate the input you've received. Weigh the quality and number of sources, and consider what behaviour, if any, you want to change.
Show less
Start with the intention to learn
The process begins with not automatically dismissing what you don't like or anticipate hearing about yourself. This alone is a big step, and it requires courage.
Think back, if you can, to the last time you received uncomfortable feedback. What was your response like, internally or externally? Perhaps you felt some defensiveness, embarrassment, surprise or shame. Alternatively, you can think about how you generally respond when hearing something about yourself that feels uncomfortable or surprising. Simply acknowledge what responses you recall, and give yourself some compassion. Taking in uncomfortable feedback takes practice. By letting yourself sit longer with the discomfort, rather than shooing it away, you can make yourself more tolerant of engaging with difficult (but potentially valuable) input from others.
If you can recall a time when you found it relatively easy to take in challenging feedback about yourself, consider what it was that helped. Was it something about the way the observation was delivered? Did the other person combine positive and more critical information? This could inform how you seek feedback going forward. One factor might have been the person who gave the feedback, which we'll consider next.
Choose carefully which people to ask
A key part of understanding blind spots is tapping into the wisdom and awareness of others who know you well. Generally speaking, the closer the relationship, the more accurately someone will see you. You can't always control where feedback comes from, of course - but the people you most love, trust and spend quality time with are likely the best-positioned to offer meaningful insights about you.
Keep in mind that there's a big difference between observations that are shared with the intention of helping you, and mean-spirited criticism or insults. If someone calls you cruel names during an argument, for instance, that does not warrant deep reflection or consideration. Anyone in your life who is hurtful or unpredictable in the way they treat you is not a good source of information for this type of vulnerable self-exploration.
The more gently something is revealed to you, the more likely it is to prompt honest self-reflection. So, consider who in your life seems most likely to tell you something about yourself with gentleness and care, and who has your best interest in mind. A caring best friend or romantic partner? A wise mentor? A sibling or other family member with whom you have a strong relationship? Interestingly, some clients have shared with me that they received the most consequential feedback from ex-partners. Since their relationship had ended, the ex was more comfortable being transparent. Of course, the caveat here is that these clients were careful to seek feedback only from exes who had treated them kindly and had no ill-will toward them.
When you have someone in mind, you can pose some questions during a calm interaction. I'll describe some specific areas to consider below, but a good general question you might ask is: 'What do you wish I recognised about myself?' Another option is: 'What would you most want me to work on, for myself, if I could change or further develop one thing about me?'
Look at specific personality traits
People partly define themselves using labels such as 'loyal', 'hard-working', 'determined', 'self-reliant' or 'outgoing'. Some of these identity pieces are formed early in life and continue to shape how we perceive ourselves and respond to new experiences. We can become attached to these labels and might tend to remember and understand information in ways that reinforce how we already view ourselves.
For example, Annika identified as an 'optimist'. For her, that meant being able to see the good in almost all people and situations. This allowed her to feel positively in the moment, and to freely give others the benefit of doubt. But there was another side to her generous view of others: when red flags came up in her relationships, she avoided acknowledging them. Where she might have seen this as 'optimism', those who cared about her saw misplaced trust.
With this example in mind, one way to think about potential blind spots is to identify two or three qualities that are central to how you define yourself. Then, ask: what are some possible pros and cons associated with each of these qualities? See if you can identify a time when each quality benefited you, as well as a time when it resulted in a challenge or struggle for you.
Once you have created your brief list of qualities, it could be an interesting experiment to ask those closest to you what they consider your top two or three traits (keep your responses to yourself to avoid influencing theirs). A simple, non-threatening way to ask someone about this would be: 'I'm trying to understand myself better, and I feel you really know me. If you were able to pick only two or three personality traits that most represent who I am, what would you pick?' Many people who answer this question will naturally elaborate on their answers, but if for some reason they do not, feel free to ask: 'What makes you pick that trait?' Similar to the suggestion above, you could also ask them what they see as the advantages of each trait, and whether it might come with any challenges.
Keep in mind, your tone of voice (sounding genuinely curious and open, rather than guarded or defensive) may go a long way in how forthcoming others are with you. Be prepared for the possibility of feeling uneasy or upset at times by what someone says. It is always acceptable to thank them and let them know when you have enough information to digest for the time being - and that you might want to ask them follow-up questions later, if they are open to it. Sometimes, the feedback cup is full, and we need to think over what we've heard before we can take in any new information.
Shine a light on how you are in relationships
As human beings grow up and learn how to engage with others, we often develop an internal model or 'blueprint' for how to view ourselves in relationships, what to anticipate from other people, and how to get attention and care from them. But there are likely to be some differences between this relationship blueprint and how the people in our lives experience relationships with us. For example, someone who sees themselves as 'very communicative' in relationships could come to find that, for others, that sometimes feels like over-communicating, smothering with constant check-ins, and needing immediate reassurance. Or, someone might wish they were a more dedicated friend or family member, even though others see them as quite loving and selfless.
Think about how you'd describe the ways you tend to behave in relationships. Consider your past experiences, including conflicts you've had and emotional moments in your relationships. Ask yourself questions such as: how do I tend to respond if someone is upset with me? How do I respond when I'm upset with someone else? What feelings seem to come up most often in my relationships? What regrets do I have in relationships, and how have I responded to them? Chances are, you will find that you have some stories about who you are in your relationships (eg, I'm a good team player because I have a strong work ethic, or I'm a mediator because I'm easy to talk to.)
You can compare these reflections with what others see, which might challenge or expand your own view. If someone offers a comment about how they see you in relationships (eg, 'You're the sweetest one in the family'), consider probing a bit further with gentle questions such as: 'I'm curious, what makes you see me that way?' or 'Is there anything about me, specifically, that causes you to say that?' You can also approach people you trust with general questions about their experience of the relationship with you. For example: 'What is easiest about the relationship with me?' 'What's hardest about the relationship with me?' 'What makes me unique as a (friend, partner, etc)?'
Uncover what's beneath outsized reactions
Many of us sometimes have emotional reactions that feel bigger than they should be. This can be an excellent entry point for reflecting on blind spots. There might be something significant tucked into these emotional overreactions.
Consider a few examples:
Someone interrupts you during a work meeting, so you go silent for the rest of the meeting. Interruptions can be frustrating, but shutting down in this way could be an overreaction - and an indication that you struggle with feeling dismissed, or that you sometimes have trouble asserting yourself.
You often grow agitated when someone does not immediately reply to a text message. This could reflect a sensitivity to feeling ignored.
You yell at your child for not following directions in public. While this could be partly due to stress, it might also have to do with a fear of being embarrassed or seeming incompetent in front of others.
If you can, think of a recent emotional response that you or someone who knows you well saw as overly intense. (You can also do this the next time you have such a reaction.) Starting with self-exploration, ask yourself: how am I making sense of what happened? Consider what emotions were coming up for you (perhaps: anger, irritation, feeling disrespected, overwhelm, shame, hurt, etc). Are there specific situations or moments when you are most likely to overreact? Finally: what are you most worried about in these situations? What are you hoping for there, or how would these situations go, ideally?
You can ask someone who knows you well to offer input on some of these same questions. Between your own reflections and what someone else has to say, you might discover less obvious meanings behind these reactions.
Evaluate the input you've received
Not all feedback is useful or accurate. Even when I'm working with clients, I often remind them to pause to evaluate my feedback, especially if they are surprised by it. I encourage them to take some time to mull it over before determining how helpful and accurate it is for them.
In addition to prioritising input from those who care about you and know you well, the following could help you weigh what others tell you:
Note how often you've heard the same (or very similar) feedback. The more that trusted people coalesce around similar feedback, the more important it is to give it some thought.
Don't feel you have to immediately accept or reject what someone says. Sit with it for a while and notice the feelings that come up about it. Pay attention to your own relevant behaviour. Consider checking with others and seeing what they think about it.
Distinguish impact from intent. You might learn that the impact you've had on someone is different from what you wanted or intended. But your intent still matters, and recognising this can help to soften any guilt or shame you might feel if you're hearing something difficult about your impact.
When you've thought over what you have heard, consider what behaviour(s), if any, you would change to better align your impact with your intent. The goal is not to morph into some version of yourself that you think others will enjoy or like best. It's to be reflective about what others share about you, to evaluate it over time, and to determine whether it can help you see yourself more clearly and live more genuinely.
Final notes
If you'd like to do some further exploration, you could seek out individual therapy or participate in a process-oriented therapy group. Therapists can be helpful in blind-spot work because part of our therapeutic training involves delivering difficult messages in a way that's tolerable. A therapist's ultimate goal is helping a client grow, even when that requires giving them challenging feedback. Process-oriented therapy groups (sometimes called process groups) are also useful for learning about blind spots because they focus on here-and-now interactions between group members. It's a rare environment that encourages honesty about how people feel as they relate to each other.
Recall Nathan and the comment he received in our therapy group - that he appeared closed off to others' help. Since he knew this feedback was coming from well-meaning peers, he was attentive and open to it. He paused, reflected on it, and expressed feeling some discomfort and dissatisfaction in hearing it. But he also shared that it felt meaningful, and helped him to recognise how others saw his self-reliance. That day did not immediately transform all of his relationships, but he walked away considering how he might adjust the way he expressed his need for care and support. Like Nathan, we are incapable of seeing ourselves fully on our own; we must rely, to an extent, on the perspectives of those who know us, and who care.
* All case examples are de-identified and composites of clinical situations and cases from my therapeutic work.
Jennifer Farrell is a counselling psychologist and co-owner of a private practice in Florida. Her work explores self-awareness, relational patterns, and interpersonal dynamics.
Dr Aarambhi
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