CHAPTER 58
CONFESSIONS
Faizi stared at her. Koel was sitting on her bed, and the silence that hung between them wasn't quite so comfortable. "Mujhe lag raha hai hum fight kar rahe hain but I don't even know ki hum fight kyun kar rahe hain", she began.
"Hum lad nahi rahe hain", he said.
"Toh tum mujhse baat kyun nahi kar rahe ho dhang se? Maine kuchh kara hai? Kuchh galti-"
"Hum do din pehle ek fight mein the. Humpar goliyan chali thi", he cut her off. She paused, staring at him with wide eyes. She opened her mouth. "Hum theek hain", he assured her. He walked closer to her, kneeling down in front of her. "Hume ek baat ehsaas hui." He gently grabbed her hand. "Woh... Woh baat hume tang kar rahi hai."
"Kya ehsaas hua aisa tumhe?"
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Hume yeh ehsaas hua ki apni jaan se bhi zyaada hume iski chinta thi ki tumhe chinta hogi ki humpar goliyan chali. Hume yeh ehsaas hua ki tumhe sirf pasand nahi karte hum. Hume yeh ehsaas hua ki hum... hum tumse mohabbat karte hain. Hum tumse pyaar karte hain."
It was almost a relief, saying it. More than a confession, it was his confirmation. He was in love. And there were no footsteps for him to retreat back.
He opened his eyes. She was staring at him, not a hint of surprise on her face. She held up a finger. "Ek second", she muttered. "Tumhe yeh realize hua ki tum mujhse pyaar karte ho aur isliye tum mujhe avoid kar rahe ho? Yeh A to B kaise pahunche tum?"
He stood up, taking a couple of steps away from her. "Hume... Hume nahi pata yeh rishta kahan jaa raha hai aur... aur hum ise nibha paayenge ya nahi."
Her eyebrows furrowed immediately. She stood up, holding a hand out. "Faizi... are you breaking up with me?"
"Nahi!" He shook his head. "Nahi, bilkul nahi." He took a step forward, gently rubbing her arms. He sighed. "Tumhe pata hai humaari Ammi ke saath kya hua tha. Aaj tak, Karan ke alaawa koi humaare nazdeek nahi aaya, kisi se itna farak nahi padha hai hume. Jab tak tum nahi aayi thi. Par ab tumse hume farak padta hai. Bahut zyaada farak padta hai. Tumhaare hone, naa hone se farak padta hai. Aur... Aur hume isse darr lagta hai." His hands trailed up to her face, and he gently stroked her cheeks. "Hume nahi pata hum kya karein. Hume nahi samajh aa raha."
"Karna kya hai?" She asked softly. "We... We work well together, na?"
"Hume pyaar par bharosa nahi hai, Koel. Hum kisi ko apne itne kareeb nahi aane dete, uski wajah hai. Hume nahi pata tum kaise aa gayi itna kareeb par... par hume yeh bharosa nahi hai ki tum jaogi nahi." He took a step back, his hands falling away from her.
She stared at him. "Tum mujhpar bharosa nahi karte? Kisi rishte mein bharosa hi naa ho, toh woh rishta kaisa?"
"Hume bas... bas yeh darr lagta hai ki tum kisi din hume chhodkar chali jaogi. Aur phir hume lagta hai ki isse achha toh rishta hi naa ho. Dard toh kam hoga."
"And tumhe lagta hai mujhe nahi lagta darr?" She asked. "Agar tumne kisi ka dhokha dekha hai, toh maine bhi kisi ko khokar dekha hai."
"Humaari situations alag hain."
"Jitna alag tum samajh rahe ho, utni alag nahi hain. Kya tum mujhe guarantee de sakte ho ki tum jab bhi mission par jaoge, hamesha waapas aaoge? Mujhe bhi darr lagta hai. I am scared too. Karan Sir ko death threats diye, unke informer ka murder kar diya, tum par goliyan chali, tum log pata nahi kaunse missions par jaate rehte ho, mujhe bhi darr lagta hai ki tum jaaoge aur waapas nahi aaoge. Par hum darkar rishte nibhaane thodi naa band kar dete hain. Aur rishta todhne se pyaar khatam nahi hota hai."
"Hume pata hai", he muttered.
She gently rubbed his arm. "Faizi... main yeh nahi bata sakti ki kal kya hoga. Humaara rishta kaisa rahega, humaari situations kya hongi, hum kaise honge, mujhe nahi pata. But main apne aap ko itna jaanti hoon ki chaahe kuchh bhi ho jaaye, main yeh rishta poori imaandaari se nibhaungi. Main tumhe kabhi dhokha nahi dungi. Mujhpar bharosa karke dekho."
He looked down at his hands, gently fidgeting with the thread around his wrist. "Hum..."
"Abhi koi bhi jawaab dene ki zaroorat nahi hai. You take your time, you take your space. Jab bhi tum decide kar lo, toh mujhe bata dena ki tumhe yeh rishta nibhaana hai ya nahi." She took a step back and he glanced up at her. She was quiet- pensive- and he nodded.
His thoughts were murkier as he walked back to his room and every word she said echoed in his head. He had heard them before- from Karan, from Monami- but they lingered this time.
'Jab bhi tum decide kar lo, toh mujhe bata dena ki tumhe yeh rishta nibhaana hai ya nahi.'
If only his thoughts were decisive enough to reach a conclusion.
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"Tu kya karna chahta hai?" Suman ji almost shrieked, staring at Sid.
He stared at his teammates, finding most staring at him with wide eyes. Monami was quietly inspecting the others, sipping some coffee. Their eyes met, and she smiled slightly in amusement before turning back to the others.
"Tu Sanju ma'am ko #propose karna chahta hai?" Chitra asked, blinking.
"Are you sure it's... safe?" Parikshit asked hesitantly. Sid's eyes slid over him and he shifted uncomfortably. They haven't talked all that much.
Bala snickered slightly. "Parikshit Bhai ji, aap toh suraksha ki baat mat hi kijiye", he said. "Aap kaunsa saavdhaan hokar bolte hain."
His eyes darted to Monami. She had paused, the cup halfway to her mouth. She glanced up at him before down at her coffee, taking another sip nonchalantly. "Haan, toh aapki resident sherni ne uthaakar patak toh diya", he said. "Ab kya sabko maar khaani hai?"
"I think Sid should go for it", Koel said. "I have a feeling Sanju ma'am likes him too."
"Monami, tum unke saath ek kamre mein rehti ho. Tum batao? Woh kya pasand karte hain Sid ko?" Prem ji asked.
She shrugged. "Not s-sure. Sh-shayad."
"How should I do it?" Sid asked. "Dekho... maine decide kar liya hai ki main confess toh karunga. Par kaise, wahan atak gaya hoon. Kya boloon, kaise boloon? Zyaada nahi hona chahiye par bahut kam bhi nahi warna special nahi rahega."
The group hummed in almost unison, falling into a deep thought. How should he confess?
"Phool?" Prem ji asked.
Sid gave him a look. "I don't think woh flowers se zyaada impress hongi. Sanju ma'am ki baat ho rahi hai."
"Uchit hai", he muttered, falling quiet again.
"Unhe #gift do", Chitra said.
Parikshit scrunched his nose up. "Nahi. Gifts are good for surprises, not confessions. Zyaada... desperate feel deta hai. Like... Like tum bribe karne ki koshish kar rahe ho."
"Correct", Sid muttered.
"I think you should go and say it", Koel said. "Unhe date par puchh. Woh kaafi simple hain. Unhe zyaada show wagera pasand nahi aayega."
The others tilted their heads in contemplation before agreeing, shrugging and nodding. "Par boloon kya?" Sid asked.
"Sp-Speech ch-chahiye tujhe? Jo aa r-raha hai m-mann mein, b-bol de. Jo f-feel kar r-raha hai, woh k-keh de", Monami said.
"#Honesty works best", Chitra agreed.
Sid smiled, nodding determinedly. He took a deep breath. The others shot him thumbs up or encouraging smiles. Loud footsteps made them look up and their smiles slid off.
Sanju did not look happy, snapping irritatedly at someone over the phone.
"Abhi ke liye ruk jao toh hi aapka bhala hoga, Bhai ji", Bala said, swallowing nervously. Sid nodded, staring at her with wide eyes. He was sorry for whoever was on the other side of the phone.
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
Karan leaned his head against the wall. His head was waging a war against him. He rubbed his temples, unsure why the medicine he had taken didn't even take some of the pain away. Was he coming down with something?
A knock sounded on the door and he flinched slightly. It felt like a blow of the hammer to his aching head. He stood up, opening the door. He blinked. Mrs. Batra?
"Mere sher", she cooed happily. Her smile slid off, taking him in. "Karan... teri tabiyat theek nahi hai kya?"
"Sar dukh raha hai", he admitted, letting her in. He closed the door behind her, sitting down on the bed and she followed, feeling his forehead for a fever.
"Daawai li tune?" She asked, her hand falling back to her side. He didn't have a fever. He nodded. She sat up, before patting her lap. "Idhar aa."
He smiled slightly, laying his head down on her lap. She gently massaged his temples, rubbing his forehead, and he closed his eyes.
"Itna kaam karta rehta hai. Dhyaan nahi rakhta apna, isliye hi dukh raha hoga", she muttered softly. "So toh raha nahi hoga tu time se."
"So raha hoon", he muttered. "Aur apna dhyaan bhi rakh raha hoon."
She lightly hit his cheek and he flinched, opening his eyes. He frowned. "Jhooth toh kabhi bulwa lo tujhse", she scolded. "Kitna dhyaan rakhta hai, pata hai mujhe."
"Daanto mat", he protested, closing his eyes. She shook her head and he sighed happily as she quietly massaged his head. This felt good.
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
"Tu kya unhe kuchh aur nahi bolegi?" Suman ji asked. "Tu unhe bas aise hi chodh degi?"
"Main use chodh nahi rahi hoon", she said firmly. "Par uske decisions uske liye toh nahi le sakti, na, main?" She looked at her. "I'll wait for him. Use jo chahiye, I'll help him through everything. Use patience chahiye, time chahiye, space chahiye, main dungi use woh sab. But agar woh rishta hi nahi nibhaana chahta, toh force karke kya milega?"
The older woman sighed, nodding. "Tu Karan Sir ji se baat karke dekh, na? Shayad woh unhe samjha paaye."
Koel shook her head. "Main use hound nahi karna chahti. He needs his space to sort his feelings. Thode time baad hi ab usse baat karne jaungi agar woh khud nahi aaye toh. Waise bhi..."
"Waise bhi kya?"
She glanced around the terrace. There wasn't anyone. She leaned closer. "Mujhe lagta hai ki trainers ki professional lives mein... kuchh toh chal raha hai. I don't know about the other trainers but... mujhe lagta hai Faizi stressed hai use lekar."
Suman ji tilted her head. "Matlab?"
"I don't know. Faizi kaafi quiet rehta hai iss sab ke baare mein. Use achha nahi lagta ki main uske kaam ke baare mein puchhoon. But... I get the feeling there is something they're working on. Kuchh badha sa. Something... dangerous."
'Karan Sir ji ko kisi ne unke khabri ka haath kaatkar bheja hai.'.
"Suman ji ko bhi yeh hi lagta hai", she agreed. "Warna... Karan Sir ji ke khabri ka haath kaatkar bhejna... woh koi aise hi nahi karega."
"Exactly. There is... some mission and it's dangerous. And pata nahi kyun... mujhe yeh feeling aa rahi... kuchh hone waala hai. Something... Something big." Koel's hands gripped the railing of the terrace.
Suman ji looked at her. She glanced down at her hands before gently patting her back. "Tu bas zyaada soch rahi hai. Chal, thodi der mein lights out hone waale hain. Suman ji ko nahi lagta tujhe itni chinta karni chahiye."
Koel nodded, following her into the building. Suman ji narrated a tale to her but her mind kept wandering back to their conversation, an eerie feeling settling in her stomach.
No. She wasn't overthinking. Her gut wasn't wrong all that often. Something was wrong.
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
Something was wrong.
Karan paused, holding up a hand when Faizi started to walk further in. He halted, looking at him quizzically. Karan glanced around their room.
"Kya hua?" Faizi asked after a quiet moment.
Karan looked at the door. "Yeh door locked tha, na?"
"Abhi toh khola hai lock tumhaare saamne", he said. "Kyun?'
"Subah jaane ke baad tu aaya hai kya kamre mein?" He asked. Faizi shook his head. He walked closer to his desk, inspecting it. "Humaare kamre mein koi aaya tha."
"Kaun?"
Karan shrugged. "Meri desk aisi nahi thi." He stared at the arrangement of his things. He hated to keep the bottle so close to the edge. It had the risk of falling off. And his notebooks weren't quite arranged the same way he usually kept them. And the map... His eyes narrowed and he pulled it out, staring at the edge. Something stained a corner. It wasn't there before. He had spent hours looking for a clue. That stain wasn't there.
"Abhi ne bhi aisa hi kuchh kaha tha", Faizi said and he looked up. Karan nodded a little, looking back at his desk.
"Kuchh dhoond raha tha jo bhi aaya tha", he said.
Faizi looked at his own desk, but he couldn't quite tell if it was touched. He opened his drawers, looking for anything that was missing. "Tumhaari woh notebook kahan hai jis mein tum mission ke baare mein likhte ho?"
Karan walked over to his bed, pulling a notebook out from underneath the mattress. Faizi stared at him- unsure whether he should be exasperated or admiring of the fact that he had hidden it in the first place. He resolved to merely shaking his head.
"Sanju ko keh ki room mein bugs check karwa", he said. "Aur cameras bhi." He looked at the notebook, giving it a contemplative look. He tossed it back under the mattress. He would burn it if there were cameras.
He grabbed the map again, staring at the stain. What was that? What was the person doing to get that stain there anyway?
His eyes narrowed, inspecting the area around the stain. He grabbed a magnifying glass. Traces of brownish stains, almost like it was wiped. Could there be a fingerprint?
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"Aap kal kispar itna gussa thi phone par?" Sid asked.
Sanju looked up from her laptop, blinking. "Kal?" She repeated, thinking back. "Dopehar?" He nodded. She rolled her eyes. "Raghav. Tujhe yaad hogo woh agent tumhaare mock mission mein?"
"Unhe kaun bhool sakta hai? Kya kara unhone?"
She shook her head. "Pata nahi kahan lupt ho jaato hai beech mein", she said. "Idhar udhar bhaagto rehto hai. Use lagto hai ki har cheez khud ki check karno hai."
He scooted a little closer to her. "Aap... Aap busy hain?"
"Thoda bahut kaam hogo", she said dismissively. "Kuchh chahiye hogo tujhe?"
He shook his head. "Kuchh... baat karni thi."
"Keh, na, phir? Kis cheez ki pratiksha kar raho hai tu?"
He frowned. "What's prati..."
She sighed. "Intezaar", she clarified. His face cleared in realization. "Bol? Ke kehna chahto hai tu?"
He opened his mouth. He paused, shaking his head. "Baad mein", he decided. "Aap raat ko free hain? Dinner saath mein karein? Main banaata hoon."
She smiled lightly. "Tu kis khushi mein banaana chahto hai khaana?"
"Aise hi. Mann hai mera. Sunday hai waise bhi. Kuchh change hoga toh achha lagega."
She nodded. "Theek hai. Mess band hone ke baad?" He nodded, smiling.
He took a deep breath. He would cook some food and confess his feelings. Perfect.
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
Deepak stared at his phone. Avinash stared at him, sighing. "Kar le phone", he said. "Subah se shaam ho gayi hai. Tujhse ek phone nahi kara jaa raha."
He looked up. "Itna asaan nahi hai", he snapped.
"Main laga deta hoon", Avinash said, reaching over.
Deepak hit his hand. "Main kar raha hoon", he said. He took a deep breath, picking it up. He dialed the number for the umpteenth time. Avinash hit the call button before he could back out and Deepak stared at him with wide eyes as the phone started ringing.
"Tu baat kar. Mujhe Sid se karni hai", Avinash said, standing up.
"Jaa mat", Deepak hissed but he merely slipped away, pulling out his own phone. "Kamina."
"Papa?"
He looked at his phone, holding it to his ear. "Monami", he said.
"Papa", she said happily. "Aa-Aap k-kaise ho?"
He resisted the urge to cut the call. He hadn't planned this through. He hadn't thought what he would say. He cleared his throat. "Tere exams khatam ho gaye?"
"H-Haan. Papa, m-main f-first hoon!"
He smiled slightly. First. Just like Juhi. The smile faded. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Tu waapas kab aa rahi hai?"
There was a long pause. "Papa..."
'Milne', he wanted to say. 'Bas milne hi aa jaa.' He couldn't get the words out. He wanted her back. Safe. In their house. Not in that academy where death lingered in the shadows. They could call it martyrdom, they could call it immortality- but that was what it was really. Death. "Tera shauk abhi poora nahi hua kya?"
"M-Mera sh-shauk nahi hai y-yeh. Mera... Mera d-dream hai, Papa."
He closed his eyes. How did he explain it? What words would get through to her? She had panic attacks when people touched her. How would she deal with the gunshots being fired at her, the threats of violence so similar to the ones she longed to forget? "Monami... yeh life... yeh tumhaare liye nahi hai. Don't you see it?"
"Aa-Aap k-kyun nahi s-samajhte ho?"
He bit his tongue, ending the call and throwing the phone back on her desk. Why didn't she understand?
---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---
"Sab theek?" Karan asked. He handed her a cup of coffee, hopping up on the parapet of the terrace next to her. "Aaj yahan kyun?"
Monami hummed. "A-Aise hi." He eyed her. "S-Sid aur S-Sanju ma'am m-mess mein hai."
His eyebrows shot up. He shook his head quietly. "Tumhaara din kaisa tha?"
She shrugged. "P-Papa ne c-call kara aa-aaj", she admitted. He tilted his head in a silent question. She sighed. "K-Kuchh aur b-baat karte h-hain. Aa-Aapka din k-kaisa tha?"
'Humaare kamre mein koi aaya tha.'
He shrugged. "Bas kaam", he said.
She nodded. "K-Kaam ke ch-chakkar mein a-apni health ka dh-dhyaan r-rakhna m-mat bhool j-jaana", she warned. "I th-think aap apne aa-aapko o-overwork kar r-rahe ho. You n-need some r-rest."
He nodded. "I am fine", he said. "Main apna dhyaan rakh sakta hoon."
"R-Rakh s-sakte ho par r-rakhte nahi ho." She shook her head, almost disappointed and he sighed.
"I am fine", he repeated. He eyed her before he turned his gaze to the city, watching it quietly.
"Sir?" He glanced at her. "H-Hum woh s-strategy w-waala kaam d-dobara sh-shuru kar s-sakte hain?"
His eyebrows shot up. "Nayi training ke saath kar logi manage?"
She shrugged. "I'll tr-try."
"Kal dunga", he promised and she smiled at him.
She rested her head on the pillar, staring out at the city. Her hair blew in the light breeze, her face lit up by the moonlight. Pretty was too short of a word for her.
"Kya?" She asked, glancing at him. He shook his head, turning his head away. No staring.
He sneaked a glance at her a moment later. Her eyes had slid close, and he smiled slightly, tilting his head.
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Sid set the table excitedly, and Sanju smiled, chuckling a little at the bounce in his step. She wasn't sure why he was so happy but she liked it.
"Kaisa hai?" He asked hopefully.
She smiled at him, nodding in appreciation. It really was good. "Batero achha khaana bana leto hai tu", she said. "Kaise seekho?"
Wistfulness mixed in with the excitement, and he sighed slightly. "Juhi Aunty", he said softly. "Jab bhi ghar aate the missions se, main aur Monu hamesha unke paas hi rehte the. Kitchen mein bhi. Dekh dekhkar aa gaya."
She nodded. She eyed him. He seemed lost. She had never quite experienced loss the same way the others in her life had done- not the way Karan has lost his parents, not the way Faizi lost his father, not the way Param lost his legs, or even the way Monami and Sid lost their mothers. Not even close. Death had been a fact but one she hadn't quite touched too closely.
He shook his head, looking back at her. He blinked a couple of times and the focus was back on her. The two ate with small talk filling the comfortable space.
He cleared his throat a couple of minutes later. "Ma'am... mujhe aapko kuchh bataana tha. Kuchh kehna tha aapse."
She looked up, eyeing him. "Bol, na, Chirkut? Ke hua?"
He took a deep breath. He stood up and she followed him with his gaze as he crossed over and sat down next to her. He gently reached forward, and she looked down when his hand slid over hers. She looked up into his eyes and he almost flinched before relaxing.
"Chirkut?"
"Jab main aapse pehli baar mila tha, I thought you were really cool. The way aapne uss stupid, sexist ladke ko handle kara tha. And then... main aapke saath time spend karne laga, we became friends. Par... dosti se kab meri feelings change ho gayi mujhe pata hi nahi chala." He grabbed her other hand. "Sanju... I... I love you. Mujhe aap bahut achhi lagti hai. Mujhe aapke saath rehna, aapke saath baat karna, everything we do together... I love it. Kya... Kya aap bhi mujhe pasand karti hain? Can I... Can I call myself your boyfriend?"
She stared at him. He stared back, a small, hopeful smile on his face. Was this a dream? Did she not hear him correctly? When she glanced back at his face, the smile had faded. He sighed, releasing her hands. They instantly felt empty. She had liked it.
"It's okay", he said quietly.
'Kuchh bol', she screamed at herself, and her lips moved. Why wasn't there any sound coming? He stood up, and she opened her mouth. 'Bol, Sanju. Bol de tu bhi pasand karto hai.'
"Siddharth", she managed to get out. He paused. She stood up, walking closer. She took a deep breath. She closed her eyes. "Hum bhi tujhe pasand karto hain, Siddharth."
There was a beat. And then another. She hesitantly cracked her eyes open. His jaw had dropped. "Huh?" He said.
She frowned. "Hum dobara naa bol raho hain", she said, looking away. She fiddled with her hands nervously.
A slow grin spread on his face and he whooped. She gasped in surprise as he engulfed her in a hug. She hesitantly lifted her arms, hugging him back. She buried her face in his shoulder, sighing happily.
"I love you."
Anupamaa
