pandya niwaas ki anokhi kahaaniyan || notice - page fifteen - Page 3

Note: Inspired by this gif

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khushian

“Thank you Shiva. Agar aaj tu nahi hota toh-” Raavi stopped herself before she spoke the forbidden words aloud.

She didn’t know why her heart raced at the mere thought of death when just days ago she had tried to embrace it herself. She didn’t love life like she used to. Gone were the rose tinted glasses in which she used to view the world. She knew now that life wasn’t as pretty or fantastic as she imagined it to be. Rather, it was ugly and it was filled with nothing but suffering and pain.

She trembled as she recollected how violently the earth had shook around her. She crumpled the blankets underneath her as she tried to gain a firm grip on herself. She looked around and told herself that she was safe. She was back at the Haveli, in her room. When that didn’t help, she looked at Shiva who was sleeping peacefully. If they were truly in any danger, he wouldn’t be resting. He would have grabbed her hand and ran with her as fast as he could.

Still shaking, she lowered herself to the mattress and curled in on herself. She was close enough to Shiva to feel the heat emanating from his body, but far enough so that she wasn’t actually touching him. She wished they had enough of a cordial relationship so that she could.

She curled her fingers and let her tears silently roll down her cheek. She wished she had been with Anita and Maami instead. They wouldn’t have thought twice before wrapping her in tight, warm hugs. Maybe she should go to them now? She doubted Shiva would mind and her Maami would be more than happy to have her stay the night.

Having made up her mind, Raavi was just about to leave when she felt a warm arm wrap around her. She glanced up and saw Shiva staring down at her. Another fat tear rolled down as he wiped her cheeks. Lips quivering, Raavi huddled closer to Shiva and allowed herself to cry. For once she didn’t care about what he would say or think about her. The teasing remarks he would throw out in the effort to disturb her were nothing compared to the pain she was carrying in her heart.

“Raavi.” He soothed whilst caressing her head. “Tu theek hai Raavi. Yahan tujhe kuch nahi hoga.”

She sniffled as she slowed down her sobs. “Mein phir se-”

“Hey,” he lifted her chin and stared into her eyes, “mere hote hue tujhe kuch nahi hoga.”

Raavi cried harder at his words. She dared herself to hug him and was thankful that he hugged her back. She pressed her fingers against his body and used it to anchor herself. As Shiva said, she was safe now. No harm would dare to befall her while he was by her side.

But what if he was no longer there? Then what would happen? Would she finally die?

She pressed her cheek against his chest and felt his hand rub against her back.

Raavi wasn’t stupid. She knew the kind of relationship she had with Shiva. She was the matchstick to his dynamite. All she had to do was push the right buttons and he would rain fury on her and everyone around him as if he were an erupting volcano. Raavi wouldn’t be any less than him as she would undoubtedly defend herself and point out the error in his ways.

She curled her fingers as her heart dropped with the realization that they might not be as great for each other as others may believe. Rather than live a lifetime of misery, it was probably best if they separated. But if she left him now, then who would keep her alive? She could try to do so on her own, but given her history, she doubted she would be willing to make that much effort.

“Raavi, tu theek toh hai na?” Shiva asked.

His soft tone confused her. He has never spoken to her like that before.

She shook her head in response to his question.

“Kya hua?”

It took a considerably long moment for her to say, “Mein tujhe chod na nahi chahti Shiva. Mein bachungi nahi.”

Her voice cracked and Shiva’s fingers pressed against her waist.

He lifted her face up and asked, “Tere dimaag mein kya chal ra hai?”

“Hum agar alag ho gaye, mein mar jaungi.”

His eyes got watery but he did his best to keep his tears at bay. “Tu mujhse alag hona chahti hai?”

She shook her head. “Tu hona chahta hai?”

Though it took him a moment to answer, he too slowly shook his head. An acute sense of elation and relief coursed through Raavi. It was as if she had finally been given hope of surviving after nearly drowning for so long.

She wanted to ask if he would put in the effort to make their marriage work but she stopped herself. Somehow it simply didn’t feel right.

Instead, she said, “Shiva, mein jaanti hoon ki humari shaadi zabardasti se hui hai. Par kya tu mere se khush hai?”

“Khush hone ka mauka hi kahan mila hai. Pura din teri chinta mein nikal jaati hai.” He moved a strand of her hair to loop it around her ear.

When her heart fluttered she didn’t know if it was from his gentle touch or his concern.

“Tu khush hai?” He asked.

Raavi thought back to how he made her cheeks flush when he changed in front of her and of how she hadn’t been able to keep her eyes off of his smooth bare chest. If she pursued a purely physical relationship with him, then yes, she could find herself being happy. But she knew sex wouldn’t satisfy her forever. She wanted someone who would understand her and make her excited by just their presence. The mere mention of their name should be able to overwhelm her with a myriad of emotions. She wanted that soulful connection, the all consuming passion that put all love stories to shame.

She stared at Shiva and tried to determine whether he could be that someone she was seeking.

He gave a small smile and ran the tips of his fingers up her arm. “Chalo, iss baat par toh hum sehmat hue. Hum dono hi ek dusre se khush nahi hai.”

A profound sadness overcame Raavi. She rested her head against his chest and wondered if they were truly fated to living a life with no happiness. Raavi didn’t see how that was fair.

“Tujhe kis baat se khushi hogi?” She asked.

“Tu phir se khushi se jeene lag jaye.” His answer surprised her.

She tilted her head up to look at him. After a few long moments, she asked him, “Tu madad karega?”

He slowly traced her cheek. “Tu meri madad chahegi?” She nodded. “Toh phir kar dunga.”

While staring at him, for the first time she wondered what it would feel like to kiss him. For a brief moment she had even considered leaning in to find out for herself. She didn’t do it however on the account of not wanting him to think she was interested only in his body. Given her knowledge on sex, she knew the kind of orgasmic pleasures he could potentially provide. She was instead more curious to know how he could make her happy outside of the bodily pleasures. That in turn, made Raavi wonder what little things made Shiva happy. She knew his happiness was closely interlinked with his family’s, but what about outside of that? Who was Shiva when he was not busy being a dutiful son, brother or brother-in-law?

“Mein bhi tujhe khush rakhungi Shiva.” She told him.

If he didn’t have sources of happiness outside of the family, then Raavi was determined to help him find some.

He smiled at her, amused by her words. “Woh kaise?”

“Jaise bhi tu chahe.” She brought her eyes down to his lips then quickly looked away.

“Raavi, tu...” When he didn’t finish his sentence, Raavi looked back at him. He seemed to be a bit embarrassed. But of what?

“Shiva, mein…?” She purposely left the rest of her sentence blank so that he could fill in the blanks.

“Kuch nahi.” He shook his head, wanting her to drop the topic. But Raavi was going to do no such thing.

She crossed her arms over his chest and rested her chin atop of it. “Bata na. Kya puch na chahta hai?”

“Tu mujhe pasand karti hai?”

Raavi hadn’t expected that question. Though she had an inkling of what he was referring to, she didn’t want to embarrass herself with her sensual assumptions.

“Tu acha ladka hai Shiva. Haan upar se rough hai aur bahut gusse wala, par jaanti hoon ki tera dil acha hai.”

He cupped her cheek and she leaned into his touch to soak in the warmth that came from his palm.

“Meine vaise nahi pucha.”

“Toh phir?”

He moved his thumb slowly over her lip to let his meaning be known.

“Haan.” She answered truthfully. How could she not when he made her feel so hot with just a simple touch? “Aur tu?”

He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers and nodded. Raavi smiled.

“Chalo, iss baat par toh hum sehmat hue.” She repeated his words. Shiva chuckled and Raavi found the sight to be quite beautiful. “Tu hasta hua sach mein bahut acha lagta hai.”

“Aur tu bhi.” He told her.

Smiling, she said, “Thank you Shiva.”

“Kis liye?”

“Mann kaafi halka hua hai. Ek shanti si aa gayi hai.”

He shifted a bit uncomfortably. “Raavi iss tarah ki baatein, mujhe aadat nahi hai.”

“Tu apni feelings kissi ke saath share nahi karta?”

He shook his head. Had Raavi been ignorant of who he was, she might have asked him why that was. Unlike what his short temper and brash behavior may make people believe, he wasn’t made of stone. Shiva was a man who took on the sufferings of others and quietly dealt with the inflicted pain while he tried to better their lives.

“Tu mere saath karega?”

“Pata ni.”

“Mann halka hoga.”

“Mujhe nahi aata Raavi.” There was a bit of a strain in his voice and Raavi felt him trying to pull away from the conversation.

“Agar mein tere bina kahe tere mann ki baat samajh loon toh?”

Raavi wondered if she overspoke when she wasn’t quite able to comprehend the fleeting emotions that were passing through his eyes.

“Toh mujhe lagega ki mujhe meri Gauri mil gayi.” He replied.

Raavi’s eyes welled up. She hugged him again, feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of what that title held. Gauri? She couldn’t even properly be Raavi. How could she possibly become the Gauri Shiva needs in his life?

“Kya hua?” He asked, caressing her hair.

“Agar mein teri Gauri nahi ban saki?”

“Toh meri Raavi ban jaa.”

She looked up at him. “Tujhe Raavi chahiye ya Gauri?”

“Tu kya bana chahti hai? Raavi ya Gauri?”

Raavi was flustered by his question. She would never dare to mimic Gauri for Raavi knew she could never match up to her eminence. She would have chosen Raavi but given the events of the past few days, she was no longer sure who that was anymore.

“Mein Gauri kabhi ban nahi sakti, aur Raavi ko mein ab janti nahi.” She shared.

“Toh tu jo bhi hai, jaisi bhi hai, mujhe de de.” He replied.

His words once again overwhelmed her. “Tu kab tak mujhe aise aadha adhoora apnata rahega?”

“Jab tak tu chahegi.” He answered. “Aur vaise bhi, mein kaunsa pura hoon. Mein bhi bas toota sa, bikhra sa idhar udhar ghoomta rehta hoon.”

She cupped his cheek. “Mein tujhe aise rehne nahi dungi. Mere paas aa jaa.”

Shiva brought his eyes down to her lips and seconds later, leaned forward to kiss her. It was a quick small one and Raavi had thought that would be it. But Shiva came in for another one and this one was a longer claim to her lips. He parted to catch some air but Raavi kissed him quickly, not wanting him to be apart for too long. Shiva shifted from underneath her so that their positions were switched. Raavi winced when her back hit the mattress. She had completely forgotten about the injuries she had sustained from the earthquake earlier in the day.

“Kya hua? Meine kuch kiya kya?” Shiva asked.

Raavi shook her head. “Woh chot lagi thi na, bas wahi hai.”

“Sorry.” Shiva muttered before laying beside her. He draped an arm across her torso and placed one leg over her body. “Agar mein aisa karun, theek hai?”

Raavi smiled and nodded. “Haan.”

She quite liked this little arrangement. He wasn’t consuming her with his presence, but he was letting enough of it be known so that she could be at ease. She gave him a last kiss for the night and they both closed their eyes and slowly drifted to a deep sleep.

Raavi didn’t know about Shiva, but she slept with a smile on her face and with a heart that was finally at peace.