NOTE - NOONE IS WRONG IN THEIR ACTIONS BE IT SHAURYA OR ANOKHI,GONNA POST ABOUT IT ON TWITTER AS ALWAYS.
WAS HIT BY INSPIRATION SEEING SHAURYA GETTING INTO AN ACCIDENT POST HIS MEETING WITH ANOKHI AND I HAD TO PEN DOWN THIS MONOLOGUE ON HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ANOKHI AND THE PLETHORA OF EMOTIONS CHURNING INSIDE HIM.
THIS IS JUST THAT,NOTHING MORE.
Shaurya & Anokhi are meant to find their way and I know when Anokhi will know him warts and all,she will be the Sherni Bhalla I know when it comes to loving Shaurya and standing besides him.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
SHAKHI OS - CHALLA(WANDERER)
Shaurya drove haphazardly wondering if he was cursed in love.
For the first time in 30 years this was the first time when he had experienced what true happiness felt like.
His whole persona had an air of lightness surrounding him,his smiles were genuine and his eyes shone with the excitement and hope of finally finding someone who will truly be his own.His person with whom he would never have to keep a facade or act in a way that would seem feasible.
Never he would have imagined the day he had wanted to become immemorable for them to turn out the way it had or Badimaa to pull the stunt she had.
Shaurya wondered where he had faltered or lacked that now Badimaa expected him to just give up on the oasis his deserted heart had found after ages.
For as long as he could remember he had been obedient.Shaurya couldn't find any other term fitting to how he had lived his whole life till now.
An amalgamation of being the child of parents who priortised other things over him,who were never there for their only child and him facing the brunt of their individual actions.
Shaurya remembered him coming home after yet another day of being laughed at by his classmates.Not having a single memory to share with them when they would all recall how they spent their weekends or vacations with their parents,how they would gush about the special delicasy their respective mother made for them on their birthdays or the games they played with their father.
Of neither of his parents turning up for any event or meetings and always the driver being the one to pick him up,of never having seen the pride in either of his parents eyes with his academic accomplishments.
He often wondered when all these thoughts would engulf him why did his parents chose to have a child if they so conveniently forgot that there was a little human who was dependent on them for his every need.
His mother had left him whimpering while he cried out for her and his father instead of rising up to the occassion and smothering him in fatherly love and affection had chosen to drown his own heartbreak by turning into an alcoholic.
An orphan is led to fend for himself in this cruel world and Shaurya even as a little grown up child was grateful for the fact that he had people who had watched over him.
Who did love him even if it came with a set of conditions and rules.
Shaurya doesnt remember ever throwing tantrums ,all he ever felt was gratitdude and indebted.
Badimaa would sit by him in night and he would wish the fever to go away for even then the child in him didnt want to trouble anyone.
Nightmares would haunt him,he would cry out in his sleep,his father would never hear his cries or whimpers,he would be passed out after drinking again and Shaurya would try to muffle his sobs by hiding inside the blanket.
Some nights Badimaa would find him and embrace him but he could never find the warmth of his mother.
It always felt like a responsibility,a duty,a favour that was being done to him.
The longingness would seep into him when he would see gayatri chachi feeding yash,bebo and kitty with her hands,how she would play games with them,how she would sit near them and tell bedtime stories.he would have flashbacks when he would remember his mother doing the same,gayatri chachi would sometimes try to include him in it but till then Shaurya had grown and he didnt want to impose on anyone.
It was all fixed,his meals,his sleeping schedule,the courses,the extra curricular activities and he had done it all.
He had never wanted Badimaa and Badepapa to say they regretted doing his upbringing.he did his own chores,he made sure his room was tidy,he never raised his voice against anyone,he always looked out for his siblings ,he did everything that was expected of the eldest son of Sabherwals.
He has had luxuries but he had never let them get over his head or spoil him.He had never used the Sabherwal surname ever to his personaladvantage.he had never spent boistrous amount of money on lavish things and once he had grown up he had started earning for himself by taking tutionclasses.
It was hard enough being dependent as a child but when he had been able to Shaurya had made it a point to become financially independent.
Reading has always been his solace in his growing up years.He would lose himself in books and somehow he wouldn't feel so lonely or the presence of a true friend.
He had learned to school all his emotions so well and trained himself to lead a life that would be in realms of being the ideal Sabherwal son.
Shaurya was brought up with a certain kind of conditioning,the rules of his house not unknown to him.he knew the double standards they exerted for their daughter and daughter in law ,he saw the way gayatri chachi was made to stay silent in important matters,how alok chachu was always on the go to please Badimaa and Badepapa and his father was always absent.
He had been young when he would see the treatment dished out to gayatri chachi or would see her silently wiping her tears and his innocent self hadn't understood things but when he would see the same happening to Kannchan he would take a stand for her.
As he manevured through the muddy lanes of Gka,Shaurya had only one contentment in his life.
The human he has managed to become inspite of the cards life has dealt him with.
He might have had the genes of Sabherwals but Shaurya had developed his character on his own set of values and morals.
He respected everyone around him and tried his best to help anyone who was in need.He respected a woman's dignity thoroughly and would never stand silent seeing a woman being disrespected in his presence.
Noone could take credit for the man he was.He had tried his best to become the anti thesis of everything that was wrong according to him.It hadn't been easy but burning in those ashes has made shine as human.
His Character was his biggest accomplishment,he didnt touch a drop of alcohol for he had never wanted to turn out like his father.
He should have fought for her when he loved her so rather than spending years in drinking away his pain.
He hadnt cared how Shaurya was faring and once he had grown up it had been Shaurya who has picked away the empty alcohol bottles from his room,helping him nurse his hangover,the very smell of it reminding him to never go down this lane or let emotions overwhelm him in a way he lose perespective about all other things in his life.
When Badimaa had been against him moving to do his doctorate from London School Of Economics,he had stood his ground and taken admission on his merit with a scholarship.
Those 2 years of education and another year he had extended because life without the constant weightage of indebtness he lived with in India wasn't here.
There he didnt have to abide by the rules,he didnt have to inform everytime and look for acceptance for them to do his heart's wish and he just lived.
He went on adventures,travelled when time allowed,learnt how to dance and live free of anyone's constant expectations hanging over him.He had made good friends but he could never really open up to them either.
The only reason he returned back inspite of having not one but quite a few lucartive job offers from universities there was because of the indebtness he had felt towards them.
He didnt want to run away from his responsibilities ,he didnt want anyone to tell him he was an ungrateful soul.
So he had and his achievements had only added to the portfolio graph of SIAC as he had taken over the role of Professor and Director at SIAC.
Teaching has always been his true calling given he had done it from his late teens to earn for himself,it had been the profession that was made for him and he made sure his students never had an problem.
From his technique ofteaching to making sure his students knew they could reach out to him wheneverthey wished.
As the Director he was always on the go for SIAC's success.
As the son he did all he could for them.Hell he was about to marry Shagun for everyone had liked her and she had fit the criteria of being the Sabherwal Bahu.
Shagun had been a family friend,a colleague at SIAC and they had gotten into a relationship which was just easy.She had her expectations and he has had his own.
He had clearly told her about his expectation from his lifepartner.He had broken up with her when she had wanted to got Cambridge for Shaurya knew he held no right for someone to give up their dreams and wishes for him.
He knew what it felt to live a life where you have to be constantly on guard and Shaurya hadn't wanted that for anyone.
And it wasnt that he hadn't been clear about it,he had wanted a homemaker and Shagun was aware of it.
Even if he has never been comfortable to reveal his vulnerable self with her.
He had been honest with Shagun from the start,he had wanted kids and the reason he wanted a homemaker was because he never wanted his children to go through what he had went through.He wanted his children to have the childhood he could never have and he had been honest with her about that but the way Shagun had sprung this upon on him the day they were supposed to get engaged ,it had led to the end of the friendship he shared with her too.
Honesty and trust was the foundation he had wanted to build his relationship on even if that marriage was gonna be one of convenince and being compatible on paper.
But today he had failed.Inspite of doing all this and more Shaurya Sabherwal was a failure for Badimaa never thought of even asking his consent before announcing his engagement in front of everyone.
He had stayed quiet 'first in shock of what had happened and then because he didnt want to disrespect her in front of all those people around.
As he knew she would she had played the mom card.Everyone around him thought they knew Shaurya Sabherwal but they only knew pieces of him he has let them to know.
Everyone around him had made a vision of him in their mind according to their own illusion and he had let them be.He had been pursuing his passion and living alife that had seemed fit.
He wasn't oblivious of the fact that Badimaa didnt leave any chance to remind everyone it was her who took care of him,the one who held all the rights on him for she took the full credit of the person has become.
She did it and he let her for he had convinced himself for a life that was going ahead this set way .
He hadn't planned or even hoped to cross path with a girl who will make way to the deepest crevices of his heart and soul breaking down every barrier that ever existed.
As her accusing eyes and heartbroken face flashed in front of his eyes and pain threatened to choke him,Shaurya realised how wrong he had been when he said to Anokhi he had loved Shagun once.
If what he had with Shagun was love then what was this emotion that had become tangible in every pore of his being,heart,mind,body and soul whose every string was tethered to Anokhi.
With Shagun it had all been comfortable and the love he knew because it had his own rules and conditions.
He had never felt jealousy seeing her with someone else,he had never wanted everyone to know that she was his girl,he had never felt ever a tinge of possessiveness and it never bothered where and with whom she went.
He was cordial and looked out for her as he did with every other woman he was related to in his life through different relations.
ANOKHI HAS BEEN THE ONLY EXCEPTION IN HIS LIFE.
The same girl he had once disliked because of her association and the way his parents had fought for her had ended up becoming the one for whom he could fight for with anyone.
Shaurya couldn't tell a particular moment where his heart had taken the jump and decided he had found the one.
It was her ,Anokhi in all her glory.Unique like her name,he had never met a girl like her.So brave and yet so innocent.
Smart,intelligent,hardworking and when it came down to it stubborn to a fault.Though if someone asked what he admired most about her was her loyalty and fierceness,the way she was ready to put everything on line for the safety of the ones she loved.
She had the guts and courage to call him out when he was wrong and somehow from the very start neither she nor he had ever adhered to the boundaries of personal space.
He was immensely protective about her,he didn't want any harm to ever come her way forget hurting her intentionally.He didnt like seeing her with anyone else,she was the one who had made him behave and do actions he had never done till now.
The restless that surrounded him when he couldn't see for a prolong period of time,him going to her hostel room or feeling dejected when she had thought he was capable of leaving her alone in riots.
How easy it was to be around her and talk to her,how he wanted to be special for her,how he Shaurya Sabherwal for the first time wanted to be addressed by a special name from someone in his life.
With Anokhi he felt alive,he wanted to free of the shackles that had held him in the past,he had seen the tangible hope of finally having the space where he could let go and be the real Shaurya.
For whom he could undertake any discomfort,for whom he could put himself in the line of fire,how proud he was of the passion she held for her studies and career and how ardently he wanted her to succeed whilst being her biggest support system.He knew there were parts of her life she didnt know and she didnt know his.
What all he had planned and it had all gotten ruined in mere seconds.
He hadn't wanted to propose her yet but he wanted to confess his true feelings,tell what all was in his heart and how the mere "I Love You" would never fit into all she has come to mean and be for him.
The customised charm bracelet he had gotten tailormade for her in a night notice,how beautiful she had looked in their choice.
How he had literally wanted to sweep her away in a space where it was just the two of them.The passion he felt for her unmatched.
Having seen Anokhi taking care of him when he was ill,fighting with him for his wellbeing,coming to goa after him,her reactions to his proximity,their closeness over the past few days Shaurya knew she felt the same but love wasnt enough because when push came to stove,you do have to fight for your happiness.
Shaurya has stood up for them in front of Badimaa and he knew when it came down to it Shaurya Sabherwal would never gave up on her and fight all odds against their together.
But the realisation had hit in today ,this wasnt a battle he could fight alone.
Anokhi has to have that faith in him,she didnt knew his reasons for why he hadn't reacted immediately and perhaps this was good.
She didnt deserve that kind of baggage in her life.Anokhi deserved to live free and she had people who loved her unconditionally like her sister and even acp ahir.
Anokhi didnt need to entangle herself in his mess.He had been foolish to believe that he may finally have someone who would fight his corner too.
Though the truth was Shaurya Sabherwal wasn't enough.
He hadn't been enough for his mother to have stayed and fought for him.
He hadn't been enough for his father to sober up and engulf him in his arms and surround him with love and affection.
His actions hadn't been enough for Badimaa for she wanted him to sacrifice his true happiness for her.
He hadn't been enough for Anokhi today for her to give him an opportunity to listen to him.
Maybe Some Wounds Never Heal And Some Scars You Wear Forever.
Shaurya Sabherwal was meant to be only loved with conditions and when he behaved in a certain way.
Unconditional,Unabashed,
Uninhibited
True,Soul Deep and Forever Love Wasn't In His Destiny.
He took the last turn and suddenly the truck crashed with his car as it drove through without indication.
Anokhi's smiling face flashed infront of his eyes as blood drizzled down his forehead his last thought was "STAY HAPPY ALWAYS ANOKHI"before his eyes closed and there was sweet oblivion.
Anupamaa
Arjun
Health and Fitness
