Chapter 2: Maula
(trigger warning)
Virat's days usually started with a warm hug from his wife. He'd often wake in the middle of the night and pull Sai closer and smile as she snuggled closer to him. Her face all scrunched up in annoyance of being disturbed in her sleep. At times, it took most of his strength to not take her lips in his and take her right there and then. But he wasn't a heathen, he'd remind himself, so afraid of tiring his little wife out. Yet, these days Virat came home to an empty void without his wife. There were no pillow forts when she fought with him, no chasing him to volunteer as her patient, no jibber-jabber and no one to hold on any of his days. But then, hadn't he pushed her away? Hadn't he been so mad at her? "Cheez kya ho tum jo teri har baath maaf ho?" he had yelled at her as she gulped back whatever she had to say. Then why did he, ACP Virat Chavan, yearn for someone as misguided as her?
"She's a child, Virat. Samjha karo. She was barely 18 when she married you. Duniya Kahaan dekhi hai usne? (Where has she seen the world?)" his Aai had said to him after another one of the Paakhi vs Sai fiascos. "Sai bacchi hai. Rishton mein nasamaj hai. Woh thodi badi ho jayegi toh khud samaj jayegi. Usse gussa hone se tum bas usse door karoge. (Sai is but a child, she doesn't understand relationships. Let her grow up a little. If you keep getting mad at her, you'll end up pushing her away.)"
When did he push her away? But then, when had he yearned to keep her close? Four years of being married to her. And by each passing day, it felt like he knew her lesser.
It was Sai's third week at the dormitory. The dormitory wasn't fun, rather it was hard. The food wasn't as delicious as Aai, Baba or Usha maushi. There was no one to feed her when she was being fussy. Sai hated cooking. She didn't know how to cook. And the recipes she learnt at Chavan Niwas - they left a sudden bitterness in Sai as if taunting her of her failures as a Chawan Bahu. So Sai began her days by visiting the University hospital OB-GYN ward. She prayed to Abba to show her light and her path. On most days, she accompanied little Apurva as she grumpily pouted at all the babies who stole her elder brothers attention on his rounds. On days Sai felt happy, she chattered and commented on which baby Reyansh liked more much to Purvi's wide-eyed gaze followed by the struggle to slide down the small bench she peeped through. Then Purvi would run to her bhai and hug him. Then a breakfast meal and some fussing later, Purvi would let her brother go to leave for pre-school and avoid Reyansh all altogether. Her little ID read: Apurva Sayee Raichand ward of Agastya Reyansh Raichand along with Reyansh's office contact information. Purvi would instead ramble Sai-Tai and Sai-Rey in her baby syllables. Sometimes Sai wished that she would be a tiny baby too -just following Baba around- ignorant of the world and the pain it held.
Every weekend Sai would limp to a different hospital floor to collect a report she desperately waited for all week. The minutes before that she would hug her stomach and pray for some progress. At least she would have someone to call hers, just hers. Yet for the seventh week in a row came the same report - no growth. This time the doctor prescribed pills to terminate the pregnancy. "Your fetus has been dead for weeks, Sai. You're a medical student. You should be aware. All you're doing is harming yourself and your body. And damaging your uterus. This isn't worth the pain, Sai. You need to terminate your pregnancy."
Sai, for the first time in six months, felt her resolve fail. She had failed - as a mother. Another failure to add to her list. It took a moment for life to go out of focus. For her resolve to break. And the tears to gush. The doctors embrace, the first in six weeks, couldn't fill the gaping hole in her heart. She had indeed lost.
The upcoming weekend was the longest Sai had lived. As the two rounds of medications lay on her bedside table. Mira had left for home after her final exam for the term on Friday. Sai on the other hand barely managed to pull herself together and study for her paper on Monday. It was an eight hour exam day and Sai had to make sure she was mentally, emotionally and physically prepared for it. So Sai studied as her life depended on it because it indeed it did. The Monday after the exam, Sai found herself in a corner of the University conference hall along with the other Council members. Unlike the other days, today she was mindlessly nodding to event details. Sai found it harder to focus today of all days. The world seemed blurrier. She seemed lonelier. Everyone around her happier, chirpier and driving towards their goals. Yet, Sai felt gloomier. Her brain struggling to focus after the exam she just answered.
She played along to Paridhi's request to dress in something pretty. Pari di's idea of pretty was black. Sai found her donned in a pretty white kurti with black pants. Sai usually loved when Paridhi did her makeup and dolled her up. "Meri pyaari Sai? Kahaan ghum ho aaj?" Paridhi fussed as she hugged Sai. It took another hour or two for the venue to be prepped.
Then she saw him.
This wasn't her event. She hadn't known who the chief guests were. To her, this was the final event of her fourth academic year in med-school. Before they all broke apart for term break and pursued internships and placements. Sai hadn't expected any of this. Did she miss something?
"Please welcome our chief guests for the day: Lieutenant General Ninad Chavan and ACP Virat Chavan. The pride of our city. And Mrs Ashwini Chavan and Mrs Patralekha Salunke Chavan."
Sai felt suffocated as she lifted her head to view the nightmare she thought she left far behind her. Her throat clenched, breath hitched, and she felt herself choke a little. Just like Pakhi's Baba had choked her. The words echoing through her mind, "Tumhari himmat kaise hui, (how dare you)" followed by Aai's subsequent, "Humne sambal diya na, Sai. Ab Virat ko kuch mat batana nai toh phir se ghar me bhakeda khara hoga, (We handled it, didn't we, Sai. Now please don't tell Virat or else hell will be raised in the house again,)"
Sometimes, Sai wondered if she'd been hell personified. She was, after all, someone without a family or any loved ones, for that fact. She had indirectly killed the only person who loved her - her Abba. Maybe if she listened to Usha moushi, didn't dress up, and focussed on her studies more she wouldn't have attracted the attention of Jagtaap. If there was no Jagtaap, then she wouldn't be kidnapped, if she wasn't kidnapped, Baba wouldn't have to save her. And if Baba didn't try to protect her, he'd be here with her today. Didn't she kill her mother in childbirth too? "You're a murderer Sai," the voice echoed even louder. You killed your baby too. Everyone is happy without you, can't you see?
It was like her life was surrounded by echoes these days. The chaos of mental trauma. And nothing could make it stop. She looked up at the makeshift stage. And she saw him smiling at Pakhi as she whispered something in his ear. She saw Aai and Baba put on a pretence of a happy marriage. "Who are you to judge their marriage when you have trapped Virat in yours?" snarled the voice back. They're happy without you. See, the perfect family.
She heard Baba come to the podium and lecture about values his family didn't practice. Virat followed speaking of pride, accomplishment, prestige and ambition. The beliefs they no longer adhered to. They spoke of empowerment, success, liberty and justice - none of which she had experienced in her home. Her nails gnawed deeper into her skin. Her vision blurred as Virat carefully helped Pakhi down the stairs to the seats arranged for them. The Dean spoke of achievements, the provost of merit and faculty of distinct achievements. Yet, to Sai, all she could see was a poster of a family. Of Aai being happy enjoying the show, Baba smiling, Virat paying rapt attention and Pakhi... Didn't they miss her? Not once did anyone seek the crowd for her? Didn't they know she would be here? Maybe, they didn't. The gash in her wrist grew deeper, seeping blood, and when the pain in her arm grew deeper than the one in her heart, Sai winced. She raised herself and prepared to leave nearly blinded by the flashback that seemed to haunt her more now than ever.
"Aai," Pakhi has smugly laughed, "Aai loves you? No, Sai, Aai loves her Bahu. She loves the girl her son is married to. Not you. Bahu kabhi beti nai ban sakti, yaaad rakhna." And then she pushed her, ever so subtly, as she stumbled herself. What happened next was blurry even to this moment, Sai wasn't sure if it was the subtle truth in those statements or the push that caused her fall. But the difference was the haunting memory of Virat rushing towards Pakhi with a heartwrenching scream. He then pulled her towards him, cradling her in his arms, whispering about the baby. It was when Aai rushed towards Pakhi along with the rest of the family. Sai lay at the foot of the stairs with a faint pain in her stomach - pain not as close to her sprained arm or fracture ankle - but her heart, her heart ached more.
A/N The titles are songs which I found related to the chapter. Please do suggest more.
I will be uploading the next chapter before bed - I am currently working on it. Please do let me know if you like this story. It's quite different and takes a darker turn. I will get to chapter 1 and subsequent comments after posting the next chapter soonish. I just wanted to post these two quickly. š
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