Chapter 8: What’sThe Point?
He took her diary and sat comfortably on the table. He opened it and started reading.
“Is my life a broken radio?
Is it my destiny?
A funny dream?
Every single time the same thing happens! Every single time I try to be happy about my present, my past shows up out of nowhere. It’s as if I am just not destined to be happy. It feels as if my destiny is constantly trying to remind me that I will have to fight for every ounce of happiness. That even if I am tired, I will have to keep going. Society never lets me forget about my past. And when I am trying my best to ignore them, somehow people related to that past of mine show up. First it was my dad. And now my mom. I had always questioned badi ma regarding my father. His return. His love. But I never questioned her about my grandma or my mother. Because I had heard them say that they couldn't take care of me. I heard my mother say she wanted to go far away from me and start a new life. So I never expected her to return even though there was a part of me which thought she might. I know I didn't have the easiest of relationships with my mother, but I think we did still love each other. Her looking after me was different than what I had normally seen but she did. She was an ignorant mother for some time, but the moment she felt I was going away from her and getting closer to taiji, she started feeling pretty jealous and territorial about me. She started caring for me more. She looked after me even more. Especially after papa left. She was so much more attentive towards me. If I can vaguely recall, I think I might have had the best time with her after papa left. As I was oblivious to the truth, she managed to keep it that way for me along with the family. She spent most of her time with me instead of being interested in her social circle and her career. We used to go to Nani's house together. Every celebration in the house was fun. She used to always help me get ready. She always wanted me to look my best. I was mischievous and maybe not an easy child. And she was finally seeing me as her perfect child. Of course she was making some rash decisions regarding me but the family didn't let her.
But overall it was really good. I really felt that the distance between us was decreasing and my bond with her was getting stronger. But then suddenly she started becoming distant. I wasn't sure why. She started losing more on me. She started getting angry at me. And one day, she just left. Without even talking to me. Without even glancing towards me. She just left. And dadi gave me away to Maheshwari’s. I was so confused and angry with both the events that I was just holding so much hate and anger against them. I never wanted to look at them again. I never wanted to talk to them again. I didn't want to beg for them to come back, though I was ready to beg for my dad to come because I had no idea of this truth. I thought once he would come back, I would complain to him and he would scold them. But nothing like that happened. I was left behind. FOREVER.
Forever. It took a lot of time for me to digest this piece of information. I had managed to close that chapter of my life, with a lot of effort and pain. Now she is back and she finally called me a mistake. Whatever didn't make sense about her leaving me then, now made sense. And what does a person do when they make a mistake? They try to correct it or move on from it as if it never really happened. I was the latter for her. She had moved on from me. But now she was here too. I am sure it wasn't her choice. Her aura and her reaction towards me said it all. It was clear that she wanted to stay away from me. I had no expectations of her return too. Then why was she suddenly back in my life? Why? And she isn't the only one? She has her husband for whom she probably left me. And has another daughter. And her name! Mishri!! She called me a mistake and named her another daughter Mishri. She is my sister… MY sister…I met her today. She seemed nice. Eager to know me. Eager to make me her family. Eager to make me her sister and to be acknowledged as my sister.
Ever since my family had left me, I had always craved to have someone who I could refer to as mine. I wanted a family that I could refer to as my own. It took a lot of effort and thanks to Abir I was finally able to call Maheshwari family as mine. I was able to call Abir and his family mine. But….. But somewhere I still feel as if I don't belong here. Maybe because I am only accepted by a few people and not everyone. But would it be any different had she not left me? What if she had taken me along with her? Would I have the same fate as I have right now? Would I have been accepted by everyone in Mr Kapoor’s family? Or would I have been hated by some people there too? Would people still have given me the ‘family breaker’ tag? Would I have had a normal family then? Would they have loved me as Badi ma and Bade Papa? Would I still have to fight and suffer for acceptance and happiness? Would my life be any different? Would my relationship with Mishri be any different? Would I have had a normal sibling relationship with her or a messed up one as Abir calls for mine and Kuhu’s?
Kuhu!! Maybe she is right. I might be the reason for everyone leaving me. Maybe I am just not worth it. Because until and unless I am with them, they are unhappy. The moment they leave me, they are doing fine. Like mo…. Mrs Kapoor. She was unhappy with me. The Singhania family was unhappy. And after they left me, they all seemed to be doing fine. I probably became the reason for unhappiness for Maheshwari’s like Kuhu says. Maybe she is right. And maybe one day I will be left alone. Maybe Abir will leave me too. I accidentally slipped out in front of Abir too. I didn't want to hurt him by saying that but I did. But I couldn't help it. Ever since the break up and the resort incident, my fear of being left alone or left by my loved ones has increased ten folds. I just don't tell anyone anymore. Because what if they think that I am not being mature? What if they think that I am not strong enough and worthy enough to fight for? If my parents could give up on me so easily, anyone can. It’s really funny though. It’s said that we come into this world alone and we go away the similar way. But I will possibly be alone my whole life. Literally and figuratively.
Everything happens for a reason, says bade papa. But what reason am I supposed to look for? I don't even know what I am supposed to think. Normally in such situations, I have always been advised to think of good things. To think of people who are in far worse situations. And I generally do. But how many times? How many times am I supposed to act strong? How many times am I expected to not feel weak? To be mature? For once I want to say I am not strong. For once I want to say I am tired. I am tired of fixing myself. But I honestly don't feel like doing that anymore. Because what's the point…...?”
Abir closed the diary. “What's the point?” reverberated in his ears. He had a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. He looked towards Mishti helplessly. She was giving up. His angry chorni was giving up. She was tired of fighting this battle over and over again. She was tired of fighting this battle alone. But he never expected her to fight this battle alone. He wanted to fight with her. Be on her side. But the fact that she felt she was alone and he could leave her alone was breaking Abir’s heart into pieces. His one stupid spur of the moment decision cost him this today. He hadn't even realized that Mishti had shut him off. She shared her worries but had stopped sharing her deep fears.
“Mature!!” Abir already had a lump in his throat. He recalled the times he had asked Mishti to be the mature one. Not only in the case of Kuhu, but also for Kunal. He knew all the times Mishti had put in extra effort to have a cordial relationship with Kunal. How many times Mishti had let go of everything just to make sure her relationship with Kunal could get better. She managed to do it, but at what cost? At the cost of constantly getting insulted without any mistake of her. Which she still continued to bear with Kuhu, Jasmeet chachi and his mother constantly reminding her of her past. It was something that her parents did. And somehow she still continued to pay the price of it. Somehow she was the only one suffering. And there was no stop to this. The thought of her fighting the same battle ever since her childhood was piercing his heart.
Of course she was feeling tired. She was simply human. Why should she be the strong one always? Why should she be expected to be the mature one always? Her strength and her maturity had been taken for granted by many individuals. Ever since she was a child. Her mother and her grandmother probably left her with the thought that she will land on her feet. And she managed to do that. Every time she fell, she managed to pull herself back together. Her fight was effortless. Or she had learnt how to hide her efforts and tears behind her smile. She had learnt to light the candle amidst her own darkness. He recalled her words. He recalled her promise of being ok and being ready to fight. But how was she supposed to feel ok if she had no fight left in her? She told him she was constantly fighting. But if she was tired, what was she fighting for?
“To not give up?” Abir thought to himself and sighed. She was fighting to find her strength back. She was fighting to not give up. He closed his eyes and a lone tear escaped his eye. He gulped his own saliva. She was broken. Her strength was his light at the end of the dark tunnel. Somehow he was realizing that his expectation of her strength and maturity was driving her away from him. That was making her fight her own battles alone. He never expected her to fight alone. He wanted to fight along with her, following her path and guide her when she needed. He understood her need to fight this battle alone but he hated it too. She always claimed Abir to be her source of strength. But she was so tired and broken that she had nothing left in her to even gain that strength from him. The thought of her being broken beyond repair scared him to death. And there was no way he was going to let her break more. He kept the diary back on the table and walked towards the bed. He caressed her head and kissed her forehead. He engulfed her in his embrace and kept on kissing her head. He wanted to help her. He wanted to guide her. He wanted to help her find the point. But he wasn't sure how to.
Kapoor Mansion
Meanwhile in the Kapoor Mansion, everything was calm. Anyone who knew about the events could easily call it the ‘calm before the storm’. Or the calm before the confrontation. After coming back home, Mishri had quickly apologized to Karishma for not informing them. Karishma made an effort to start a conversation with Mishri regarding Mishti. But Mishri had stopped her. She cleared her stand on this entire issue and informed Karishma that it was Mishti’s right to get the explanation. She had excused herself in her room and mostly spent her time in her bedroom.
Shekhar was pretty restless after coming back home with Mishri. Her questions constantly echoed in his ears. He started to question his own approach towards this entire scenario. Was he right? Should he have tried more? Were his efforts really that less? Should he have pushed Karishma to bring Mishti with her? Would he have reacted the same if it had happened with Mishri and not Mishti? Shekhar was feeling really confused. He couldn't understand anything. The thought of Mishri being in place of Mishti scared him. “Maybe I did ignore this. If it were Mishri, I don't think I would have been able to stand that.” Karishma entered the living room and found Shekhar speaking to himself.
“So you are now judging me. Once a thief, always a thief huh? If I can do this to Mishti, I can do this to Mishri too. Right Shekhar?” Karishma accused a confused Shekhar. He stood up and faced and directly looked in her eyes.
“No! I am not Karishma. All I am saying is if ever it were Mishri, I would have wanted my girl to know everything. I would have wanted her to get the answers. I would have wanted her to get closure.” Shekhar held Karishma by her shoulders.
“Did Mishti approach you?” Karishma questioned Shekhar and he shook his head. “If she is not asking for anything, why should we bother her and cause her more pain?” Karishma walked around in the hall trying to make her point.
“Are you really that naive Karishma or you are just trying to run away from it?” asked a frustrated Shekhar.
“Shekhar. I am just.” Karishma tried to explain her side but Shekhar interrupted her.
“No. Karishma! Do you not feel sad that she isn't even trying?” Karishma looked away with tears. “You do! You do feel sad” Shekhar continued as he noticed that Karishma was just trying to run away from the confrontation. “But you just don't want to accept. You know as well as I know that she deserves to at least know that she wasn't unwanted. That she was loved and will always be. I don't think any child in this world deserves to feel unloved. That she could still become a part of this family. I don't know what is stopping you Karishma and I hope you figure that out soon.”
“Isn’t it too late Shekhar?” Karishma asked as Shekhar was about to leave the living room.
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