Previously On...
Tamanna
& Aniket confrontation.
Track 34 - f**king Perfect, P!nk
Everybody
sat at the dining table, playing with their food and not eating a single
morsel. The events of earlier still on the forefront of their minds.
After
Aniket and Adhiraj had left, Tamanna had sobbed, right there, on the living
room floor, for felt like hours, with Armaan, Rahul, and Jaanhavi's arms all
wrapped around her tightly. When she'd fallen asleep, still in tears, Armaan
had gingerly picked her up in his arms and taken her upstairs to her room, with
Rahul & Jaanhavi hot on his heels.
The three
of them had stayed with Tamanna all day, reassuring her that it would all be
okay, loving up on her and making her feel safe. She'd been so strong in front
of Aniket, but now the force of what had happened hit her and she was shaken.
It had been a long road for her from the night she'd come home with Armaan to
getting where she was today and it hadn't been easy. For any of them. And,
while they'd all stood by as Tamanna faced the demons of her past, they were
all affected too. The need to protect her from that man had been primal in all
of them, having seen her dealing with the aftereffects of living with him. So,
the little family of four had spent the evening reassuring each other that
things would be okay and had only emerged later in the night to eat.
On the
other hand, Sid was bowled over everything that happened and didn't know how to
react. It was clear to him that Tamanna wasn't married anymore and her ex had
been abusive, but why? What had gone so wrong that her marriage had ended with
her so called husband landing in jail? The few interactions that Sid had had
with Aniket always made Sid feel like Aniket was a nice, genuine guy and that
he would do his best to keep Tamanna happy. Knowing that had been the only
reason that Sid had been able to let Tamanna go. He knew that Tamanna's husband
would keep her happy. But, said husband had obviously failed spectacularly in
fulfilling his husbandly duties. Why?
He just
wanted to make sure that Tamanna was okay. That she had found her footing again
after living with an abusive partner. But, he was afraid to say anything. He
hadn't spoken to Tamanna since that day at the airport, almost 8 years ago when
they'd said their final goodbyes. Since he'd come to New York, he had of
course, exchanged pleasantries with her, but the two had not spoken to each
other about anything apart from a couple short conversations. Not knowing where
they stood, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable by asking such personal
questions.
Turns
out, he didn't have to ask, because Naina, being the thoughtlessly blunt idiot
that she was, asked, "Tamanna, how did you get here? I mean, after Aniket."
For a few
minutes, there was absolute silence in the room, everyone staring at Naina in
shock. No one could believe that she'd actually outright asked Tamanna what had
happened.
Tamanna
squirmed in her seat, not knowing what to say. Armaan, noticing her discomfort,
held her hand in his and squeezed. "It's okay, Tammy. You don't have to say
anything," he assured her.
"No," Tamanna disagreed vehemently. "I don't mind telling them. It's the truth. This
is who I am and I'm not ashamed."
Rahul
looked at her, beaming with pride and pressed a quick kiss to her temple. "I'm
so proud of you!" He told her. Tamanna passed him a quick grin.
Turning
back to Naina, who was looking extremely guilty, she said, "Don't feel so bad,
Naina. You can ask me. We're friends."
Naina
smiled at that.
"Aniket
and his family, they... They... They abused me," Tamanna said, fumbling a little.
"Verbal, mental, physical, and sexual. For almost 2 years, before Armaan saved
me."
There
were gasps across the room, all of them looking at Tamanna with wide eyes. Sid
closed his eyes and looked away, not wanting anyone to see his tears.
Those 2
years had been a living hell for Tamanna. Every moment was torturous. There
were days when even breathing freely felt like a luxury. She'd never even
imagined, even in her worst nightmares, that Aniket and his family could turn
into such beasts. And that too because of something that wasn't even her fault.
At times,
she was still unable to believe that that life was behind her. That she was a
free person now who could do as she pleased. That she had a family that loved
her, truly loved her, for who she was and not for what she could give to them.
Armaan,
who was sitting beside her, took her in a tight hug and comforted her, as tears
leaked out of the eyes of everyone in the room. A few minutes later, Tamanna
pulled away, wiped her tears and continued.
"It had
been happening for almost a year and a half when Aniket got a job offer and we
moved to New York. I started working at Sanjeevani, and as fate would have it,
Armaan was my reporting doctor. That's when it all began to change. We grew to be
friends quickly. I don't know what it was about him, but I started to trust
him. He noticed that things weren't right within a couple of weeks of us
working together, but, by then, I was so conditioned to lie about it, that I
did it again.
He knew that I was lying, but he didn't push me to talk about
anything. Instead, he helped and supported me as best as he could. It was sort
of a silent agreement between us. He would purposely make me work at the
hospital till late so I wouldn't have to spend more time at the house. He made
sure I ate properly. It got to a point where he would be sending someone with
food every couple of hours. Fruits, soups, juice, coffee - all of it. Many
times, he'd insist I take a nap in the on call room before going home, so that I
could have some rest. Whenever Aniket or anyone from his family hit me harder
than necessary, and I bruised, he'd tend to all my wounds, no questions asked.
Like this, 6 months passed away. I started getting better, staying with
Jaanhavi, Armaan and Rahul, who'd taken me under their wing and become my
closest friends. But still, I never spoke a word about my situation, and only
Armaan suspected what was actually happening.
Then, one evening, I left the
hospital early, despite protests from him, because Aniket's elder brother,
Adhiraj was visiting. He lived in Seattle because of his job, so we didn't get
to see him often. He was someone who I had always adored and looked up to, as
an elder brother. Because he didn't live with the rest of his family, he'd never
abused me, or stood by silently and witnessed as someone else did. This made me
even more eager to see him, thinking that till the time he was here, Aniket
wouldn't do anything. Oh, how wrong I was! Adhiraj was even worse than Aniket.
That night, I would have died, had Da..." She trailed off.
"Had
Maani not gotten there in time," she finished, looking off in the distance, as
if remembering what had happened.
Armaan
wiped away the tear that had fallen from his eye when Tamanna said Da. That word, the incomplete, seemingly inconsequential word
meant the world to him. Because he knew what she was going to say before she
caught herself. It gave him hope that someday soon, she'd be ready to say it
again.
He looked at Rahul, who'd already been staring at him, and
the two of them shared a smile as they both understood the gravity of her slip
up, and what it meant. To both of them
"Armaan
saved me from those two monsters. He brought me home from there. He convinced
me to file an official complaint against them. Jaanhavi, Rahul, and him
looked after me after that. They helped me at every step of the way.
Hospital check ups, therapy, police enquiries, court hearings. They were there
through it all. They've given me a family, helped me move on from it all, start
life afresh with people who love me for me. If not for them, I don't know where
I'd be today. Maybe dead in a ditch somewhere," Tamanna finished.
"Tammy!!" Armaan, Rahul & Jaanhavi chorussed sternly on hearing her say that.
"How many
times do I have to tell you?" Armaan asked. "Don't say things like that! You
have us, all of us. And you always will. We're your family!"
"Tamanna...
You're... You're so brave! Looking at you, no one would be able to say that
you've been through so much. You really are inspirational," Nikki spoke softly.
"I'm really proud to know you."
Tamanna
smiled in gratitude.
"Not just
Nikki. All of us," Muskaan seconded. "I'm in awe. You're a fighter."
"Thank
you," Tamanna replied.
Naina and
Yuvi hugged her tightly, whispering just how proud they were of her. Atul, with
tears streaming down his eyes, held Tamanna's hand and told her that he would
always be there for her, no matter what, that he still thought of her as his
sister, like he had when they were interns together. Tamanna grinned on hearing
that and hugged him tightly.
But,
hearing the entire story had disturbed Anjali greatly and she started sobbing
really badly. She hugged Tamanna hard and praised her, but her tears didn't
stop. Not at all. So, Atul took her upstairs so that she could get some rest
In all
this, Sid stayed away, still unable to come to terms with what had happened.
Tamanna had been abused. By her family. For years. And he hadn't even
known. He'd been living a blissful life with his friends, getting up to
mischief at the hospital, dating girls and just having a blast. And here,
Tamanna had been living in fear of her life, every single day. The guilt made
him want to wretch.
He cursed
himself for not knowing. After his annulment with Riddhima, why hadn't he tried
to look for Tamanna? Why hadn't he tried to make sure she was happy? Even if
just as a friend, why hadn't he checked up on her? Why had he tried to forget
her? That she'd ever existed? She'd been his first love. His only love. And
he'd left her to die as he moved on in life, forgetting that once upon a time,
he'd dreamt of spending his entire life with her. How could he have been so
ignorant?
The rest
of the night passed in a daze for all of them. No one said much, all of them
still processing what Tamanna had revealed to them, the horrors in her past,
her helplessness, her fight, all of it impacting them deeply.
Being
doctors, none of them was ignorant to domestic abuse. They'd seen many such
cases at work, and they would continue to do so in the future, but this... This
was different. It was so very different because this time, they knew the
victim. It wasn't some patient, a statistic on record, someone who they'd treat
and then promptly forget about in a week or two.
No, this
was a woman who they knew personally, who they'd spent time with, who some of
them were very fond of. And that changed everything. It changed their outlook
on the situation, it changed their reaction and most importantly, it changed
how they felt about the entire situation.
Sensing
the mellow and sombre mood, Tamanna joked, "Who died?"
"Tammy!" Armaan rebuffed. "This joke is not funny, okay? Especially in this context. So,
keep quiet," he told her sternly.
"Fine," Tamanna replied, making a face. "You just have to ruin my fun, don't you? All
the freaking time! Can't let me enjoy life, even a little."
Armaan
rolled his eyes. "Drama Queen," he muttered under his breath.
"Well, I
did learn from the best," Tamanna bit back.
"God!
You're so insufferable at times!" Armaan exclaimed.
"Again, I
learnt from the best, Tamanna repeated.
"Okay, I
don't want to talk to you right now," Armaan announced.
"I'm not
asking you to, either. You're the one who started this!" Tamanna told him.
Armaan
threw his arms in the air in frustration and walked out of the room, muttering
under his breath, dinner forgotten. He knew she was doing it on purpose -
annoying him - so that he'd walk away to cool down. Any other time he wouldn't
have done it, but right now, he could use some cooling down, what with such
disturbing images in his head.
"Really?" Rahul asked, once he'd left.
Tamanna
shrugged. "If he's mad at me for annoying the heck out of him, he won't think
about Aniket."
"All
these years," Rahul sighed. "Why must you do this everytime?"
Tamanna
laughed. "Cause I'm so good at annoying him!"
Rahul
smiled. "Yeah, you are. Almost as good as someone else, who could annoy him at
the drop of a hat," he said, looking at Riddhima, who looked away the second
Rahul turned to her.
Memories
accosted her at Rahul's words. All the silly little pranks, the stupid
arguments she'd get into with Armaan, their fights, their little tiffs - all of
it annoyed both of them to the core, but neither of them ever gave up, if only
to show the other that they were better.
And then,
how neither of them had realized when those annoying little fights became the
one thing they depended upon to get them through their day. How fighting became
so important that nothing else mattered. Because, they didn't realize it then,
but they'd fallen in love and those silly arguments were the only way they knew
to communicate.
"You mean
I'm not the best?" Tamanna gasped out over dramatically, pulling Riddhima out
of her memories.
"You
really are one big drama queen, aren't you?" Rahul laughed.
"Like I
said, I did learn from the best, right Jaanhavi?" Tamanna asked, turning to
Jaanhavi who was still lost and picking at her food instead of eating.
"Jaanhavi?" Rahul called loudly when she didn't answer.
"Huh?" Jaanhavi looked around, dazed. She'd forgotten that she wasn't alone.
"What?" She asked.
"You
okay, sweetheart?" Rahul asked.
Jaanhavi
shrugged. "I guess," she replied. "He's gonna be fine, right?"
"He's
always fine, isn't he?" Rahul asked Jaanhavi, all his attention directed
towards her. Jaanhavi was really possessive about Armaan, especially after
staying apart from him for 7 long years. She wasn't really able to handle it
when everything wasn't fine for Armaan, at least in her eyes.
This was
the reason why Armaan didn't really open up to her when there was something
wrong, because he knew that doing so would worry her a little too much, and
Armaan never wanted to cause any issue to Jaanhavi, no matter how small. Even
after Jaanhavi repeatedly begged him to tell her stuff, Armaan never did it,
because he didn't want to trouble her.
Armaan was Jaanhavi's elder brother, the one person she was
closest to. She'd always looked up to him, loved him, and respected him. He'd
also been, for all intents and purposes, her best friend.
So, Jaanhavi never had any secrets from Armaan, and she would
tell him everything about herself, no matter how inconsequential. But, more
importantly, she'd always tell him when she was in trouble, because he was her
big brother, her protector, who she thought would fight the world for her (and
Rahul knew that Armaan absolutely would.) She used to jokingly call Armaan her
Superman, because he was always saving her, protecting her, and because he'd
always been partial to that comic book character.
But,
Armaan shied away from sharing his problems with her, and it made Jaanhavi
really mad at times. She knew why Armaan did what he did, but sometimes, she
would just get angry at him for not telling her and it would result in them
fighting. Rahul had seen them fight only a handful of times in these years, but
all their fights had been ugly and nasty.
Of
course, they made up hours after they fought but to Rahul, those hours seemed
like centuries, because a world where Armaan & Jaanhavi were mad at each
other was dark, cold, and uninviting. He didn't even know how, but the house
seemed dead everytime they fought. Their home which always seemed to throw
around love and warmth and comfort would become quiet and silent and you could
hear the rustling of leaves, and the crunch of footsteps.
Rahul
abhorred that. He absolutely hated it. So, he always tried to mediate between
the duo to keep disagreements to a minimum, just like he was doing now.
He didn't
want Jaanhavi walking up to Armaan and asking him to talk to her because he
knew Armaan would never. And then, Jaanhavi would get mad and they'd fight and
everything would be dark.
Jaanhavi
nodded miserably and kept her head on his shoulder. Rahul smiled softly and
hugged her close. He kissed the top of her head before saying, "Don't worry
about him, okay? I've got him. He'll be fine, I promise."
"Okay," Jaanhavi replied. She knew that if someone could make sure that Maani was okay,
it was Rahul. In the last few years, Rahul had grown really close to Armaan. Almost as much as Nikki once had been, but of course, no one could ever replace Nikki in his life. It was just so sad that things had happened between Armaan & Nikki the way they had. She was still kinda mad at Nikki for everything that had happened in the past, but she knew it hadn't entirely been Nikki's fault either, so she was trying to make things work.
In all these years, both her and Armaan had missed Nikki a lot and now that she was back in their lives, Jaanhavi hoped that they could work everything out and go back to being the way they had been earlier.
As
Tamanna looked at the two of them (Rahul & Jaan), she allowed a small smile to grace her face.
Her cute little family was adorable. Maani, Rahul, and Jaanhavi. They really
were her family.
Once
Jaanhavi had calmed down a little, Rahul turned to Tamanna. "And you," he said,
bringing her out of her musings. "Don't overthink it. It's all good. Okay?" He
asked her.
Tamanna
nodded.
"Armaan
has already gotten a restraining order, Tammy. Don't worry. The next time they
even try something like this, we'll be reporting them," he reassured her. But
somehow, it had the opposite effect.
"Armaan...
Maani... He knew? He knew that... that they were out?" She asked, aghast.
"Tammy..." Rahul tried to explain, but she wouldn't hear it.
"Don't
Tammy me, Rahul," Tamanna replied. "Yes or no."
Rahul
sighed. "Yes. But, he only found last night!"
"I should
have known!" Tamanna replied. "He hasn't been so worked up over a nightmare in
ages. And... He... He slept in my room last night. I don't even remember the last
time he did that. You... You slept in there too, didn't you? And... And you knew
what was going on!"
Rahul
looked away, not wanting to answer, because he knew she was right.
"Don't
look away, Rahul Grewal. Tell me. Now," Tamanna demanded.
"Yes, I
knew. I kinda made him tell me after you went to sleep last night. And yes,
both of us slept on the floor in your room last night. It was like old times.
You know... You still sleep like the dead. Armaan & I must have talked for
hours and hours, but you didn't even move. At one point, I'm sure our voices
were much, much, much higher than whispers," he tried to joke.
Tamanna
looked at him and shook her head. "Both of you are such nuts! Why didn't you
tell me?" She asked.
"We... Uh...
We thought we'd tell you after the wedding. You were so happy with everything
around you, and neither of us wanted you to worry about it. But, I promise, we
weren't going to hide it forever. Just till the wedding," he replied.
"You
swear you were gonna tell me?" Tamanna questioned.
"Yes. I
do. We were," Rahul confirmed.
"Fine!
Just this once. And only because I think you're telling the truth and you would
have told me eventually," Tamanna said.
"Thank
you, Tammy!" Rahul exclaimed, hugging her sideways.
"Yeah,
yeah," Tamanna waved him off. "But, the next time something of this sort
happens, you better tell me immediately, no matter what you think. Okay?"
Rahul
hesitated, and didn't say anything.
"Okay?" Tamanna pressed.
When he
still didn't say anything, Tamanna glared at him murderously.
"Fine!" He finally agreed.
"Good
boy!" Tamanna replied, kissing his cheek.
Everyone
at the table watched this interaction between the trio and smiled at the
obvious and genuine love and affection they had for each other.
Once
dinner was done, they were all lounging around the house, not wanting to sleep
just yet, apart from Tamanna, who immediately went to her room, wanting to
catch some sleep. After the day she'd had, no one said anything.
Armaan
sighed as he sat on the patio, overlooking the pool. After his heavy workout,
this was exactly what the doctor ordered. He'd taken to exercising and working
out as a way to get his anger and frustrations out as opposed to kickboxing and
driving as he used to earlier, courtesy of Jaanhavi, of course. She'd made him
promise that he'd never hurt himself purposefully again, and so, he hadn't.
Exercising
seemed to be a better outlet anyway, because after one intense workout session
followed by a shower, he would always feel way better about the situation than
he did earlier. Maybe, the fact that he didn't end up having any sort of
accident that would land him in the hospital helped, too.
He looked
up at the sky, smiling. You could see the stars tonight. It wasn't often that
you could do that in New York. And whenever, the sky was lit with stars, Armaan
camped out on the patio, staring at them all night long, talking to them,
relieving his worries, sharing his feelings.
Today was
no different. The entire day had been a little too heavy for his liking. So
much had happened in the past 24 hours, it seemed like yesterday, when he'd
spent a fun evening with Riddhima, had actually happened years ago. He wished
he could go back to that moment when the two of them were just goofing around,
having fun, joking and laughing. But, it was impossible, because everything had
changed in these few hours.
"Hey," Riddhima whispered, taking a seat beside him, pulling Armaan out of his
thoughts.
"Hey," Armaan replied. "What are you doing here?" He asked good naturedly.
Riddhima
smiled. "I came to check on you," she said. "Are you okay?"
"Of
course, I'm okay," Armaan replied immediately. "Mujhe kya hona hai?"
Riddhima
smiled knowingly. "I know you, Armaan. Yes, it's been years since we saw
each other, but on the inside, you're still essentially the same person. Which
means, I know that everything that happened today has you reeling. So don't try
to lie."
Armaan
smiled softly. "Hmmm. I guess."
"You can
talk to me about it, if you want to," Riddhima told him. "I know you don't want
to trouble Jaanhavi or Tamanna with it. And, Rahul, well... He's not around right
now. So, I'm willing to listen, if you're willing to talk."
"I don't
even know what to say," Armaan replied.
"You do," Riddhima countered. "You're just too afraid to say it. Or maybe you don't want
to say it to me. And, that's fair. I don't want to pressure you or push
you into talking. How about, both of us just sit here and enjoy the night sky?"
Armaan
smiled at her gratefully. They both laid down on the pool chairs and looked up
at the sky.
"It's so
beautiful, nahi?" Riddhima asked him.
Armaan
nodded. "Yes."
"It's not
often that we stars in Mumbai," she told him.
"It's not
often we see them here, too," Armaan replied. "Maybe, today is special."
"Maybe it
is," Riddhima agreed.
"You
know, in the past few years, I've started looking at the moon a lot. It brings
me so much peace," Riddhima told him.
Armaan
smiled. "I know what you mean. I do it, too."
They
stayed silent for a few minutes after that.
"I'm
sorry!" Armaan blurted out suddenly, without preamble.
This was important for Armaan. He needed to apologize for his
atrocious behaviour. He knew, in the past, there had been many times when he'd
behaved less than appropriately with Riddhima - hurting her with his words and
his hands. He'd been mean and nasty at times, held her too tightly at others,
and he'd been the forbearer of a lot of physical and emotional pain in her
life.
It wasn't what Aniket had done to Tamanna, but in it's own
way, Armaan now understood that his behaviour had been abusive and he shouldn't
have done what he had.
He'd always had anger issues, stemming early on in his
childhood, which Dr. Reynolds assured him, were perfectly normal given how he'd
grown up. He didn't want to use his upbringing as an excuse and had tried to
revolt against what his therapist had said, but Dr. Reynolds was able to assure
him that his childhood didn't excuse his behaviour, only explained it, and
helped in understanding where and how Armaan could improve himself so as to not
fall prey to such tendencies again.
It had been really difficult for Armaan, but he'd heeded to
Dr. Reynolds' advice and worked to get his anger in control - trying everything
from meditation to yoga to anger management classes - and it had proved
fruitious as slowly but surely, Armaan had been able to channel his anger
elsewhere rather than hurting people in his vicinity - physically or
emotionally.
Ever since he'd realized how he'd behaved, he'd felt guilty
about it, and had wanted to apologize to Riddhima for what he'd done wrong, but
it had been too late and there really wasn't anything he could've done then,
short of getting in touch with her and telling her how he felt, which of
course, was a big no no earlier.
But now, she was here, and they were friends again. Armaan
didn't want to sully their friendship, but it was important to him that
Riddhima know that he had realized he error in his ways and that he felt guilty
for treating her badly, even if the instances had been few and far in between.
The sudden arrival of Aniket on their doorstep, followed by
the conversation, confrontation really, between that... that waste
of space and Tamanna, had brought forth his memories of those incidents with
Riddhima full force, and his guilt had magnified.
He couldn't go without apologizing for even one more second.
So, he didn't.
"What?" Riddhima asked confused.
"I'm
sorry," Armaan repeated.
"Whatever
for?" Riddhima questioned, still not understanding the reason behind this
sudden apology.
"Oh, so
very many things," Armaan told her. "But, firstly, and most importantly... I
just... I know that... There were... uh... There were a few situations when I... um... I... I
lost... Uh... I lost my temper when it was just the two of us. I mean... I wasn't
always the... Um... I wasn't always a good colleague, friend... or... Uh... Um a good...
Uh... A good boy... boyfriend," he added the last part hesitantly, not knowing if
he should reference to their previous relationship, but he really needed to do
this.
Like he
said, there'd been so many instances in their time together when he'd lost it
badly and hurt Riddhima, even if that had never been his intention - holding
her too tightly, twisting her arm roughly - and none of it was right. He never
should have done that. Ever. No matter how bad things got between the two of
them, no matter how much Riddhima had hurt him, it didn't make what he did
right. It wasn't as bad as what had happened to his little sister, but it was
in the ballpark of abuse/harassment and he felt sick knowing that there was a
time he'd actually done things like that.
"Armaan?" Riddhima whispered painfully, bringing him out of his memories of panic
attacks, nightmares, and self hatred.
"Yeah?" He whispered back.
"You were
saying?" She asked.
"Oh,
yes," Armaan smiled thoughtfully. "I just... I'm sorry. There were many times
when I got too angry and things went sour. I know there was more than one time
when you were scared of what would happen. I still remember the look on your
face that one time... I... I don't exactly remember what had happened, but I was
really mad. I'd pulled you in the fire escape and we'd had this shouting match
and things got really bad, I got angry and I just... I raised my hand to punch
the wall, to get my frustration out. But, you... you thought... You thought I might
hit you. You were so scared. And... And even after I'd punched the wall, it was
too close for comfort. I could... I could feel you shaking. The look on your
face, your fright... It's embedded in my very soul, I think. I... It haunts me.
I've had nightmares about it.
What...
What I did, it was absolutely despicable, Riddhima. And not just that once. I
know that there have been many times I've crossed a line - holding you harshly,
twisting your arm, shouting so loud it scared you. None of it was right. I
shouldn't have done such things. Ever. It was wrong. It was harassment and
abuse and I just... I'm really sorry."
"Armaan!" Riddhima exclaimed. "It was... it wasn't like that."
"Don't..." Armaan responded. "Don't make excuses for me, Riddhima. We both know that it
wasn't right for me to behave the way that I did. I got too aggressive at times
and I regret that. But, my regret doesn't excuse my actions."
Riddhima
sighed but nodded. "Okay. Yes, I agree. There were... There were times when
things got a little out of hand. But, you're forgetting that those few times,
it hadn't been just you. I was at fault too. You only did those things after I
said or did something particularly nasty towards you, if I hurt you."
"Whatever
happened never gave me the right to manhandle you," Armaan replied. "You're a
good person, Riddhima. You always... You always see the good in people and ignore
the bad, no matter how much they hurt you. It's that very nature of yours
that's making you say all this, but it still isn't right. I will not deny that
there have been times in the past that your words and actions have cut me deep,
have hurt me really badly. But, you're only human. And you made mistakes. Just
like I did. Getting physical with you, shouting at you like that, grabbing your
arms so tightly, all of it. It was wrong. It was always wrong, no matter what
the situation. And I just... I want to apologize for behaving so badly with you."
"I accept
your apology, if you accept mine," Riddhima countered. "I'm really sorry for
taking you for granted. I realize that unconsciously, I did that a lot, because
believe me, I never wanted to do that. But, looking back, I can always see how
I undermined your feelings and took everything you said at face value. I
shouldn't have done that. And I shouldn't have been so vindictive with my
words. I know that it always hurt you a lot, but I just kept going on and on
and I'm sorry."
Armaan
gave her a small smile of acknowledgement. "Apology accepted."
Riddhima
grinned at him.
"Moving
on," Armaan said. "There's actually one more thing I want to apologize for. You
know, since we're doing this thing here."
Riddhima
looked at him curiously.
"Uh...
Remember that... Remember the New Bombay Sanjeevani Project?" Armaan asked
sheepishly.
Riddhima
was sucked into a world of memories - her repeated attempts to get Armaan to
understand the situation, Abhi's humiliation, the boxing match, her issues with
Armaan, her selection for the project, more issues with Armaan, his
possessiveness, the Pari incident - it all came rushing back.
"Vividly," she told him.
"So... Ah...
I... Uh... Yeah, I'm sorry about what a jerk I was then. That ultimatum, making you
quit the project... That was really unprofessional of me. I should never have
asked that of you. I was a controlling SOB, talking to you that way and I
shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry," he said.
He'd been
an idiot to not notice how his abandonment issues had been rife even then.
Growing up with absentee parents, the deaths of all those people he loved
dearly at a young age and then Jaanhavi and Nikki leaving him had impacted
Armaan more than he ever let on. All those incidents had instilled in him a
fear of losing everyone he was close to, which made him absolutely possessive
of them. It was the reason why he was so possessive of Riddhima, why he crowded
her so much, why he got controlling at times. He was always afraid that one
day, she too might leave him. (The fact that his fears turned out to be the
reality of his life was a story for another time, but he had let that fear rule
his relationships for far too long.)
"I... I...
Um... Wow... This... Uh... This is not how envisioned our conversation when I got
here!" Riddhima laughed.
"I'm
sorry if I made you uncomfortable by bringing up our past," Armaan immediately
apologized.
"No, no,
no! It's... That's... I didn't mean it that way," Riddhima replied. "I just meant
that I thought that we'd talk about Tamanna and whatever happened with her and
how that's affecting you. I know you're trying to put up a brave front but
you're really shaken about what happened and I just wanted to be your sounding
board. But... That... That in no way means that I don't appreciate this. Really,
Armaan. I... This conversation is incredibly important to me. And I can't
emphasize enough how much it means to me that you've said all this. Thank you.
Really.
And, of
course, I accept your apology. I understand that you only behaved that way
because you were worried about me, especially after Nikki. You were doing it
out of concern for me and my well being and it means a lot to me that you cared
so much. Yes, maybe you shouldn't have gone about it the way you had, but I
also know that Abhi did that to push your buttons after you'd humiliated him
with those bangles, so I guess that I got caught in the crossfire."
"He did
what?" Armaan almost shrieked. "Really?"
Riddhima
smiled sheepishly. "Shucks! You weren't supposed to know that. Please don't
speak about it to Abhi. Ever. He... he confided in me a few years ago. And,
before you ask, yes, he apologized. I forgave him. It's all water under the
bridge. Don't bring it up again because I've moved on from it."
"But...
Riddhima! He used you!" He exclaimed.
"Yes. I
know. But... Armaan, what you did wasn't right either," she tried to placate him.
"Two
wrongs don't make one right, Riddhima. I'm just... I'm more disappointed than
mad. No matter what issues I had with Abhi, I never thought he'd be this
petty!" Armaan cribbed.
Riddhima
sighed. "Look, like you said, we all made mistakes. And, what Abhi did was
wrong, he absolutely shouldn't have done that. I agree. But, he's my friend. I
care about him. And I forgive him. It's my forgiveness to give."
Armaan
nodded warily. "You're right. It's your prerogative and if you think forgiving
Abhi is the right thing to do, then that's that. But, maybe don't leave Abhi
alone with me for a few days till I come to terms with the entire thing. Okay?"
"You've
got yourself a deal," Riddhima grinned.
Armaan
smiled in response. "Since we're on the apology tour," he said, "might as well
also apologize for being such a dick and always lying to you about stuff. You
know, about Muskaan and then Pari and my parents and whatnot. I thought I was
protecting you."
"Just
like you were protecting Tamanna?" Riddhima asked.
"What are
you talking about?" Armaan questioned.
"I was
there when Tamanna came home last night, Armaan," Riddhima explained gently. "I
couldn't sleep so I was lounging in the garden when I heard you call for her. I
tried to ask you what was wrong, but you were in a stupor and didn't notice me.
I heard your entire conversation with Rahul. You were really worried. It was
because you knew about Aniket, wasn't it?"
Armaan
sighed and nodded. "I found out last night. But... It was just... It was such a big
thing. And Tammy was so happy. She's been really excited about the wedding
because Jaan is her best friend and she absolutely adores Rohan. I've just... I
don't think I've seen her so happy since the day she found out that Rohan had
proposed. She's been over the moon with the wedding - y atmosphere at home and
I didn't want to bring her down by telling her this. But... I was... I was gonna
tell her everything as soon as the wedding was done with. I mean, it's what 16 days away. That's... That's it. Only 16 days. I never really thought he'd show up
here first thing."
Riddhima
nodded in understanding. "Again, you were coming from a place of concern. You
know... You're really protective, Armaan. It's one of the things that makes you
such an amazing person. You care so much. But, it's necessary to let people
fight their own battles. You can't always protect everyone from everything.
You're only human yourself."
"I know," Armaan mumbled. "But, it feels like I've already let her down too much."
"Whatever
are you talking about?" Riddhima asked him.
"I just..." he began, but trailed off, not knowing how to express himself.
"Take
your time," Riddhima assured him gently, understanding that what he was about
to do was a huge thing for him.
Armaan
sighed in thanks and began again, taking a deep breath. "I feel like... Whatever
I did... Um, however I helped Tamanna... It wasn't enough."
"Armaan!
That's not..." Riddhima began, absolutely stunned that he would think this way.
"Stop," Armaan interrupted. "I know, okay? I know. Technically speaking, I did
everything I could. I gave her her space, I made sure she ate and slept
properly, I nursed her wounds. And, I was there with her, every step of the way
when she finally decided to make it public, from telling people to filing for
the divorce to the court case and then the imprisonment. I supported her in any
way I could - therapy, nightmares, anxiety attacks, anorexia - I was there for
it all, we were there for it all. But... But it still feels like it wasn't
enough because she's scarred. She's scarred for life because of what he did to
her. And I could have stopped it all so much earlier than it actually stopped
and I hate myself for that."
"No!
Armaan!" Riddhima whispered, her voice leaking every ounce of hurt that Armaan
felt, as silent tears fell from both their eyes.
"I know...
I know that... That if I'd tried to pressure her into something she wasn't ready
for, even if it was for her own good, she'd... she'd find no difference between
me and that animal who abused her. She was fragile and impressionable,
absolutely trusted no freaking one, closed off and isolated from the rest of
the world, somewhere believing that she deserved what she got. Telling her what
to do would have had the opposite effect. It would've been worse if I forced
her to talk when she wasn't ready. I know that, okay? I know all of that. But...
it still... It still hurts, you know? Knowing that she was being abused, right
there, under my nose and lying about it. Everyday. And yet, I just... I kept
quiet. Didn't do anything to stop it," he told her, sobbing the last words out.
"No, no,
no! Absolutely not! Armaan!" Riddhima whisper shouted. "This... This isn't... it's
not.. You're wrong!"
Armaan
looked up at her, his eyes pleading with her to make him believe it when he so
clearly didn't.
"Armaan
that's... That's not true. You... You have no idea... Can you... Do you even comprehend
what you've actually done for Tamanna? You... You were her safe spot, Armaan. You
cared about her, you made sure she slept okay and ate properly. You... You did
everything in your power to keep her away from that abusive situation. When
things got too far, you're the one who saved her. And then, you helped her
stand back up on her own. That's... doing all that, being so supportive, so
understanding and caring... It means a whole lot more than just getting the abuse
to stop. I mean, any NGO or social service worker could have done that for her.
But, would they have made sure about the rest? That she got proper care, that
she ate and slept, that her therapy was going fine, that it was helping her? I
don't think so. You did that for her. And so much more.
She trusts
you, Armaan. Because you did all that. Who knows if she would have trusted
you so much if you did something differently. And, what would have happened
then? What if she didn't trust you enough to come live with you? To let you
help her with everything? So much could have gone wrong. But it didn't. Because
you did the right thing. And it was enough. In fact, I'd say it was more than
enough," she told him, holding him by his shoulders and looking him in the eye.
It was extremely crucial for Riddhima that Armaan know that she meant every
word of what she was saying.
Armaan
nodded to what she was saying, but didn't look entirely convinced. "I guess
you're right," he murmured, almost too detached. It was clear that he didn't
believe what she was saying, and only said that to placate her. "Rahul thinks
the same way. As does my therapist. Dr. Reynolds is very vocal about it, too."
Riddhima
chuckled lightly. "So, therapy, huh? How's that working out for you?" She
asked.
"Meh," he
said, shrugging his shoulders. "It's really great, actually."
"It is?" She confirmed.
"Yep.
It's really helped me evolve as a person, you know? Especially emotionally," Armaan told her.
"That's
nice," Riddhima commented. "How long have you been going?"
"Almost
seven years now," he told her.
At
Riddhima's surprised expression, he continued, "I started a couple months after
I came here. Jaan convinced me. And well, I can't really say no to her."
Riddhima
smiled. "If it's helping you, I'm glad you did it."
Armaan
nodded his thanks. "It really is. It helped me understand all the signs I'd
always ignored. I mean, my issues didn't crop overnight, you know? I just chose
to overlook it all."
Riddhima
nodded. The signs had all, always been there. His overprotective nature, his
possessiveness, his people pleaser attitude, even his anger issues. Things
she'd written off as just his nature and never given a second thought were all
actually a manifestation of his abandonment issues. She'd been just too naive
and ignorant to think otherwise.
"I'm glad
it's helping you," Riddhima said.
Armaan
nodded. "It is. It really is. You know, I've slowly become on of those people...
the one who is always harping on and on and on about how good therapy is. And,
how it can have such a positive impact on your life. I mean... sure, it's not
exactly easy to bare your soul in front of a stranger and then have that person
pick your life apart and tell you how to improve yourself, but a few sessions
and you start to appreciate just how much those things help. Look at me, for
example. I've changed so much. A lot of it is because of therapy. This
conversation we just had? I'm not sure it would've happened otherwise."
Riddhima
chuckled lightly. "Good to know."
Armaan
smiled. "This was good, wasn't it?"
"What? Us
talking about things like mature adults?" Riddhima asked rhetorically. "Yes, it
was good."
Armaan
laughed. "If only we'd been mature enough to do the same during our internship
days. We could've avoided a lot of fights."
"But the
fights were the best part!" Riddhima countered.
"They
were, weren't they?" Armaan replied. "I have to admit, I spent an embarrassing
amount of time to come up with ways to annoy you."
"I did
the same, Riddhima answered. "That look on your face when I bested you was
always so fun to see! And I got to see it all the time!"
"Not all
the time," Armaan fired back. "I got you good many times! I mean, with the
ketchup prank. And the morgue one. Stroke of genius really."
"Fine,
80% of the time. And you can toot your horn all you want, but nothing is ever
going to beat how I sent so many of your ex girlfriends on a date with you that
was actually supposed to be with me," Riddhima laughed.
"That...
that was really cruel. I'm still salty about that one," Armaan told her.
"Eh,
you've lived with it for so long, you can live with it for the rest of your
life," Riddhima declared.
"Do I
have any other choice?" Armaan asked.
"No, you
don't," Riddhima replied.
"Well
then it's a good thing that I've learnt to live with it," Armaan lamented. He
looked at Riddhima and both of them burst out laughing.
"Thank
you, Riddhima," Armaan whispered softly, a few minutes later, looking at
Riddhima gratefully. "You know, for listening."
Riddhima
smiled. "Don't thank me. I was happy to help. It's the least I could do."
Armaan
grinned. "Still. I am really grateful. I can't even express in words just how
much."
Riddhima
chuckled. "You don't have to. We're friends, Armaan. This is what friends are
for. I am always here for you, no matter what. If you ever need a friend, you
can count on me."
"Well, I
hope you know you can count on me, too," Armaan replied.
"I do," Riddhima answered. "It's getting late. I should head to bed."
Armaan
nodded and Riddhima walked back in the house, leaving Armaan behind.
Armaan
couldn't help but laugh at the irony. After telling him that he could count on
her, she left, just like she always did. It didn't matter though, because now,
he was used to it.
Before
entering the house, Riddhima turned to look at Armaan and grinned at him
brightly. And then, Armaan couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he
could count on Riddhima this time round.
xxx
Ahhh, another emotionally charged one. But, this was an important conversation and also, long overdue. Armaan was a great friend and boyfriend, but he wasn't perfect and he behaved badly with Riddhima on more than one occasion. It was important to me that this be addressed because Armaan manhandling Riddhima was never okay.
Also, TDBU HAS OFFICIALLY COMPLETED THREE YEARS TODAY! WOWZA. THIS IS HUGE.
I know it annoys us all that it's been 3 years irl but not even 3 weeks in the story. For that I am sorry. I shall try to update more so that we can get AR back together soon. I promise.
But, I hope you guys liked this one! Thank you so much for sticking around for so long! It means a lot to me. :)
Love, Prags.
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