#3 Ashlok Dark FF - My Ransacked Heart/UPDATED/ Chapter 38 /(Pg-135) - Page 92

Chapter 37

Ashes To Ashes

I'm dying inside, crying, bleeding, screaming
but no one can tell because I keep a straight face
on the inside i feel like killing myself
i feel like i have no reason for living
like something is eating my insides
There is a voice in my head telling me to just die
That no one wants me and sometimes I feel like its telling the truth
My inside hurts they're screaming at me because of the pain
I've tried evrything but nothing works
What should I do about the bleeding that I feel inside of me about the screaming about the pain
I cant take the pain the bleeding the screaming
I must do something
I must go somewhere where the pain will go away where everything bad goes away
I know what to do but I'm scared
But the pain the bleeding and the screaming is getting worse
I do what i have to do
I take they knife and put it through my chest
I wake up and the pain the bleeding and the screaming inside me are gone
I have gone to the better place where ther is no pain
Where there is nothing that can hurt me
There is no more dying inside me
The pain the bleeding and the screaming are all gone

The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy ~ to drive him before you ~ to see his cities reduced to ashes ~ to see those who love him shrouded in tears and to gather into your bosom ~ his wives and daughters ~

Genghis Khan

"Help us please for God's sake anyone, please save my daughter, please save us", the screams were again beginning to build inside his head. He looked at the mirror and stared into his own eyes to look beyond them at his colorless soul...

They say that the mirror never lie it shows what is inside you but what if you become hollow from inside than what does it show? Nothing, It can't show the nothingness, the chill that is residing inside your bone marrow and invading your soul...

Then whatever you touch becomes frozen forever, whomever you love gets destroyed in the cold storm raging inside your heart and whoever try to look behind your mind would lose his way in search of the truth...

But What if there was a better way that you believe would save the world from freezing over and save the people around you from the ice pouring down from your heart...

"Anyone please, don't do this, please for God's Sake stop it", the screams were already gathering force inside his head like the beginning of a storm...

It was time to end all...

He took the razor out of the bathroom cabinet, stroked a finger across its edge to check its sharpness, a large dot of blood welled from the cut on his flesh.

Satisfied he looked into the mirror, at his own reflection, gazing into his own eyes that betrayed no emotion whatsoever and put the blade on his wrists.

The sharp edge dug into the flesh. He was really amazed at how God had made the flesh so soft while it encased the bones inside, protecting the hardness...

The shouting and pleading worsened, roaring and rushing inside his mind, until he thought his brains would explode out of his skull...

"Ae, baba, sanjana I am coming", he whispered to himself and than in one brutal movement slid the blade across his wrist, slitting it open...

How dying felt like? No one had come from the grave to tell stories about the other world. But a person who tries to commit suicide and is saved later gets a little taste of it. Some says dying is pleasurable like tasting a forbidden fruit and some say it's painful as if every part of your body has torn away from you and resembled again...

He fell down on his knees busting his kneecap on the hard cold floor, but he felt no pain, just a deep pleasure at seeing the icy blood pouring out from his wrists, spreading all over the floor...

He saw Sanjana lying in the pool of her blood her lifeless eyes staring at above, freed from her body's cage at last and souring over the blue skies...

When you feel the life leaking away from your body like some warm liquid pouring out from a cup, leaving the empty cup on the saucer, it's death. First the soul starts tearing like a fine piece of cloth away from your feet, you feel a prickling sensation in that area than a sense of numbness takes it's place and then that sensation starts to move upwards, unwrapping your soul like a cloak.

Your fingers start to tingle and than that tingling is replaced by a building pressure which grows so painful as if a giant stream-roller is trying to crush your body...

He slid sideways on the floor. The pain was crushing his body, and it felt like a giant hand was tearing at his blood vessels but it gave him only pleasure to know that the pain would at last end all. And it ended, a numbness began to spread across his body. At last he had won the fight and the pain had been defeated...

Laughter was building in his throat at his victory, but icy tears were pouring down his face, crying on the defeat of his pain...

The heart starts to beat faster from fear because it can guess that it's end is near, the hormonal secretion too increases in the blood and it begins to pump faster in the veins, depleting the last reserves of oxygen, your breathing starts to constrict as if a giant hand is squeezing your windpipe, you start to suck in the oxygen, but you are unable to do so, because it's like someone had put a blockage in your air ducts or a dark shadow has put a giant hand over your mouth...

Your heart starts to slow down because of lack of oxygen, finally it's reduced to only a dull thud resonating against your ribs and as the last reserves of oxygen are depleted away your minds starts to shut down, blackness engulfs your vision and light turns into darkness...

A giant hand scoops the last beat out of your heart, your body jerks for the last time protesting against it's parting with your soul and then all is silent at last...

That is death...

His head thudded on the floor, as the blood started to trickle in the gutter...

Who knows better than him, who had gone in death's realm begging for her to accept but she had refused his request and had shunned him away from her threshold...

Shlok Agnihotri was that person whom life didn't love, and death didn't accept his love...

"Change your clothes they have gotten dirty, and I've called Seeta she is bringing a tray of food", Shlok ordered to Astha in a brisk voice. After reaching his room he had left her there and had gone downstairs to give order to his maid. And now after coming back to the room again he had started ordering her to change her clothes.

"What?", she asked blankly, she was standing in the same position to which he had left her just like a stranded zombie. "Mam your servant wanted to ask that could you change your clothes and food would be arriving shortly", he batted his eyelashes at her in a mocking movement. She looked momentarily startled at his behavior.

What the heck was wrong with him, it was like nothing had happened downstairs, no horrifying fairytale, no betrayal, she thought and a streak of pain twisted like a knife inside her. Why was he in an awfully good mood that was shattering her last reserves of composure? The thought of her mother flashed across her mind...

"I want to see my mother, please take me to her", she pleaded. "At this time of night, and no princess you won't ever see her again, I can't take that risk", he shook his head in negation. "But I've already promised you that I won't try to back away from the deal, so why would I do that", she asked desperately. "No my dear princess, I know you'll renege on your deal", he answered stonily.

"Why do you care?", she whispered. "I don't princess, I don't give a damn about you, I care only for my damned money which I am spending on your mother", he answered in an arrogant voice.

"But why do you only want me for sex when you could have had any woman for that, then why specially me?", she asked in a confusing tone.

"Because princess they are not my enemy's daughter and just imagine how much pleasurable it would be for me, your saintly daddy imagining us together and dying with his every breath, thinking about what I'll be doing to his dear princess and ofcourse you thinking that we are right beneath your daddy's nose", he waved his hands in the air and mocked in a dreamy voice.

"You really are sick you know", she nodded her head disgustedly. "Not more than your saintly daddy princess atleast I didn't throw you to the wolves did I?", he declared in a grim voice.

"Yes thanks for little mercies", she bit out sarcastically. "My pleasure mam", he gave her a mock salute. "You really need psychiatric help", she nodded her head sorrowfully. "And you'll be my psychiatrist am I right?", he asked cynically. "No I only help people with brains and yours is out of order, so you really need a psychiatrist for that", she threw a barb at him...

"Now now kitten you've really got a sharp tongue, so you better curb it otherwise you know what I'll do with it", he warned her and then turned to open his wardrobe."I don't understand one thing if I can try to forget my father and wants to leave all behind me than why can't you try to leave all behind you and start anew", she spread her hands beseechingly.

"Don't talk to me about starting anew, you are not Shlok Agnihotri and don't try to act as if you care, and one thing more princess I am not your damned answering machine in which you'll put your question and would try to find it's answer", he shut the wardrobe door with a snap and turned suddenly to snarl at her startling her out of her wits.

Why was he getting so aggressive on asking a simple question, she thought, maybe he doesn't want to forget. "And I am warning you princess that if you ever try to manipulate me again I'll throw you out on your bottom and forget the medical bills and the caretaker for your mother, do you understand", he warned her in a brittle tone.

"Yes I understand", she answered in a subdued voice. "Good for you now be a good girl and go change your clothes at once, Seeta would be bringing the tray any time soon", his tone was like as if he was admonishing a small child. He opened the wardrobe again and took out a salwar suit . But she still stood there in the same pose, staring balefully at him...

"Princess Cat got your tongue", when he turned with his clothes hanging on his arm he find her standing like a statue gazing at him with confused eyes so he clicked his tongue impatiently. "No, I will change the clothes but I don't want to eat, I am not hungry", she tiredly.

"Very wrong of you princess, you have to eat to survive me", he said humorously,again baiting her. Something snapped inside her like elastic. "Yes I'll eat but not to survive you but because I don't want to beg for it", her taunt remark rang out in the room.

All was silent for a moment but then he spoke, "Yes princess you don't have to beg for it at all", he said calmly than throwing his coat back on the bed he strode inside the bathroom, slamming the door behind with such force that it shuddered on it's hinges. Astha winced what had made her throw a painful taunt like that on him she didn't know. She wasn't usually vindictive but after going through all that horror who could blame her for that.

Let him rot, she thought and raising her stubborn chin and went to sit on the bed. She casually picked up one of the shopping bags that were still lying on the bed as she had left them. How could life change in a moment?, she thought blinking back the tears...

When she was leaving that room she had no idea that her life would be destroyed like that. But here she was still hale and healthy, with only a small nick at her temple where she had hit her head on the chair and dust-ingrained clothes. But that could happen in any accident. Yes it was really an accident a nightmare, but she was still alive. We people are selfish or maybe shockproof that we still survive and still live on...

We still eat, we still clothe ourselves, we still search for shelter, our survival instinct not end even for a second, even if one of our loved ones dies, we still eat, still talk, still live, it's true no one dies with the dead even if they try to...

Let me live my life selfishly too, she thought bitterly and started rummaging through the contents of every shopping bag, until she found a black lace nightie...

Astha stilled, why did he bought a nightie for her, if he wanted her to leave. She threw it across the bed and then started spilling the contents of each bag, tearing at the ribbons and wrappings. A whole assortment of accessories, perfumes, day clothes, night clothes came tumbling out.

She scrambled off the bed looking at the colorful pile of clothes as if they were a snake about to bite her. She was still looking at the clothing with horrified eyes when the bathroom door opened to reveal a wet Shlok in white kurta and shalwar. A snowy white towel was in his hands, with which he was towelling his hair dry...

Astha's mouth went dry. God he looked like a fallen angel in white, slicking back his dark hair away from his forehead. Why did someone who was so heartless could look so beautiful? Just like sin, she thought and a feeling of pain went through her heart like an arrow.

"What the heck? , you haven't changed still and what's that you've spilled across my bed, take them all away to your own room", he caught sight of her staring at him with widened eyes and started angrily than frowned at seeing the clothes lying higgledy piggledy across the bed. His angry voice brought her out of her daydreams and she cursed herself mentally for thinking him as handsome. "You utterly loathable b*****d, you had no plans to let me leave did you", she shrieked.

"Now where is that coming from", he frowned harder. "This, you f***g a**h****e, you bought so much clothes, if you wanted me to leave than why did you buy those", she indicated the pile of clothes with a shaking finger and then angrily picking up a bottle of perfume threw it at him but he ducked away in time and it hit the wall behind him, shattering into tiny pieces, a cloying smell of lavender spread across the whole room...

All was silent for sometime she looked like a virago staring at him with rage-filled eyes and he stared calmly back at her then at the shattered bottle.

"I hate lavender why did the shop-keeper put it in the parcel", he broke the silence and lifted his face to sniff at the air. "And I hate you", she gathered courage and picked up a heavy looking piece of jewellery and chucked it at him. He outsmarted her move, by catching the flying piece of jewellery in his hand.

"Quit the show, it's enough princess", he warned her coldly. "Why did you ask me to choose when you had no intention of letting me go?", she asked in a despairing voice. "I had every intention of letting you go princess, the clothes that I bought were not for you they were for my ex-mistress, but now as you are in she is outside", he winked at her.

Astha sucked in a breath. "You don't give up any chance to twist the knife deeper, do you", she asked in a pain-filled voice. "Never, till my last dying breath", he whispered the vow in a harsh voice. Astha squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed painfully than taking a deep breath she opened them.

"I am going to change, but I won't wear those clothes as they were intended for your ex-mistress", she snatched the nightie off the bed and turned to leave. "As you wish mam, but you have to wander around in the nude because I am not going to buy you new clothes", he declared flatly.

She turned to glare at him but when he returned his gaze stonily she felt a very childish urge to poke out her tongue at him and to see his stony expressions turning to astonishment but as she thought of it she had an idea that it would only provoke him further and he wouldn't be astonished but would be coming straight towards her...

So no she couldn't take that risk, she though mentally berating herself for imagining that in the first place...

"Okay fine", she snapped. "But do tell Seeta to collect those clothes and bring them to my room", she ordered angrily...

"Tell her yourself when she'll bring the food here, I am not your servant that will take orders from you, you are my mistress not my wife", he answered rudely...

"Damn you to hell you b****d may you rot there", she bit out angrily and strode towards her own room...

She never heard his whispered, "I am already there princess"...

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