Chapter 4
It took me like ages to enter his chamber. I still don’t understand what exactly was stopping me. The anger which I had for him had slowly worn out, was it hesitation then? I never felt hesitant to reach out to him, not even after the dice hall incident, he was a regular visitor to my husband; often he was called into our room. I ensured to pay all the courtesy that should have been paid to a royal guest or the king of an ally kingdom.
I didn’t know what exactly should I say, was I here to mourn for Vrishsen or to comfort him, and by which relation exactly was I here. His wives, his best friend all have tried their level best and failed, what expectation did they actually have from me.
“Yuvraj has just left”, Karna’s voice, suddenly broke the chain of my thoughts.
“I know”, I replied, “just saw him leaving while I reached here”
“It’s pretty late Yuvaragyi”, he said, “I don’t think it’s advisable for you to stay here”
“Wise words from the man who once felt nothing wrong it pulling my uttariya”, not sure why but these words just blurted out of my mouth.
“That’s not true, I had immediately apologized to you for that.”, he said rather defensively. Suddenly his words didn’t feel as melancholy and dead as they were sounding.
“Oh come on you only apologized because swami entered the chamber”, not sure why I continued the discussion on this topic, “else you were actually laughing when my necklace had broken.”
“That was simply because you were not accepting your defeat”, he said “I felt that it was some kind of a divine justice that the same necklace that you had lost to me in the game, broke when you denied to concede your defeat”
“And you couldn’t accept a girl not conceding her defeat.”, I replied with a sigh, “Somethings never change”
He looked upto my eyes, probably for the first time in the entire conversation. There was silence in the chamber for the next few minutes, but this time his eyes spoke a lot. His eyes were always expressive, but this time I couldn’t decipher them, there were multiple emotions floating in them, I didn’t understand which one was predominant.”
“It was just a fluke!”, I replied after a pause. “I didn’t mean to offend.”
The statement definitely was intentional, but somehow I couldn’t bear the wrath of his eyes anymore, especially not when the mutilated body of his son was laying a few inches away
“Nothing offends me anymore.”, he replied curtly, “Anyhow, it’s really very late, I need to relax before tomorrow’s big combat.”
On any other day, I would have left him at this, but today, I just didn’t feel like leaving, it seemed to me that I have to finish our entire conversation this very night.
“Although that was ironically “right””, I said after a pause, “It took me years to understand why it happened, you had simply ordered her disrobe because she refused to concede a defeat, because she challenged the rules you men made for her, because she raised the points which no one in that hall filled with intelligent men could think off. Because you didn’t have anything to counter her. Was it just that Vasu? A simple male ego?”
I had called him by his real name after fourteen years, and even in gloomy atmosphere, I couldn’t miss the brightness of his eyes which had appeared on his face for a moment.
“Nothing is that simple Bhanu”,he said, “even the simplest of things have multiple reasons, some are apparent some are not.”
He kept mum for a moment, to watch me looking at him with surprise.
“Maybe her non acceptance was the predominant reason,”, he continued, “but so were my anger issue, my hatred for them and maybe a secret desire just to better them.”
“That my friend was never a 'secret’”, I formed the statement as cheerfully as I could.
“Are you really here to recall that day?”, he said sternly, “more than a decade has passed, life has moved on for everyone. And please don’t say that this war is happening because of that incident. That is just an external cover, multiple reasons are contributing to it.”
“Hmm Agreed”, I said, “probably for the men, for women it’s still stuck back there.”
“Will you always blame me for what happened that day?”, he asked, after some time.
“I know things might have not escaladed to this level if it wasn’t for me”, he continued after seeing me quite for some time. “the war however was still inevitable”
“Maybe it was.”, I said while taking a seat beside him., “But without that scar, it wouldn’t have had become an attempt for justice. I think it’s serving its fuction. Just that………………”
“It took much more than it could ever deliver.”, he completed my statement.
I nodded, not knowing what else to say.
“I think I should leave”, I said while standing up.
Karna just looked at me, nodded for a second and then put his gaze down.
“Will you never forget those haunting memories Bhanu?”, I heard his voice as I was nearing the exit of the tent
“Will you ever be able to forget having seen this?”, I said hinting towards the body of Vrishsena
“I saw it happening.”, he replied with a dry smile
For a moment I felt like cursing myself for saying such statement, for reminding him of something he so desperately was trying to forget.
“You?...”, I said
“Yes”, he replied, “I saw everybit of it. They ensured I see it and ensured that I can’t reach out to him. I saw his bow being cut, I saw his hands being chopped, I saw his legs fly away.I saw his head…………”
He suddenly stopped and started sobbing.
“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to!”, I said while trying to sit beside him.
“I know.”, he replied while trying to compose himself, “But you succeeded in doing what your husband failed at.”
I gave a dry smile
“I guess the divine justice happens”, I said more to change the topic, “I got the news that Bheem killed Sushashan today”
“In the most brutal way one could.”, he replied, “I was not near the site of his death, but just hearing the narrative made me get Goosebumps and then I see the death of Vrishsena by my own eyes, again filled with brutality. I really hate the very thought that you people share the same family.”
“They might be thinking the same”,I replied, “To be honest, I am sure your extended family definitely would have similar opinion about you”
“You know what I had been waiting for this one interaction with you”, he said, “No one not even Suyodhan can be so blunt and clear about my wrongs.”
“Really! Now you are underestimating my husband”, I replied.
I knew this was a very bad attempt to make such comments. We were in the midst of a war, my only son was dead three days back, he had lost five of his sons and the body of his favourite son was lying just inches away, but for some strange reason this was soothing me. A feeling like some big load is finally off.
“I can’t dare do that”, he replied, “but I am serious, else he would have punished me for leaving him die at the forest in the custody of Chitrasen”
“I don’t think he ever blamed you for that.”, I said, “although sometimes I do wonder why he didn’t.”
“I guess he feared that you might not have an answer, any response for his allegation.”, I continued after a pause,“He just didn’t want you to be unable to defend yourself”
“Didn’t you ask him to blame me?”,he enquired.
“Why would I?”, I said, “Both of us know you well to understand that even if you don’t have an answer, you never had wrong intentions”
“Tomorrow is the big duel for me.”,he said, “probably my last night on this earth, would you just allow me to ask for something?”
“How could I deny anything to someone who doesn’t deny anyone?”, I said with a smile.
“So give me a promise that whatever happens, or whatever had happened wouldn’t make you judge me wrong”,he said
“What kind of demand is this?”, I asked
“I never regretted what I told for Krishnaa”, he said ignoring my statement, “But I always hated the fact that my actions that day did hurt you. Just promise that you would forgive me for that after my death”
“Why are you being so pessimistic”,I said being unaware of what else to say
“Remember to forgive me if I am not able to win victory for you”, he continued as if he never heard what I said.
“Just remember to forgive me if, if ever you find out that I had betrayed you or your side.”, he said with tears in his eyes, “Tell Suyodhan that I might have made mistakes, in fact blunders that caused him heavily, but never in my life have I treasured any relation more.”
“Are you still thinking about that instance?”, I asked him once he was quiet, “No one has ever thought it to be your mistake and no one would. The Gandharva instance was just a misunderstanding”
“I don’t want an assurance Bhanu”, he replied, “I just want your promise. Tell that you would Forgive me”
“Please promise him whatever he wants”, I heard the voice of my husband. I still don’t know when he had come, or what all had he heard.
“You have no clue how stubborn he has been behaving lately.”, he completed his statement.
“Well the promise indirectly cascades to you as well”, replied Karna, “probably that’s why she is taking time.”
“Well I thought I already have”,I said, “But if it pleases you, then I do promise.”
He didn’t say a word, but his eyes had the glitter which I had not noticed since the day he had lost his armour and earrings..
“Thanks of agreeing to Forgive Me.”, I heard his last words as we left his royal tent
A month has passed since the war is over. I am a widow with no son for past one month. My daughter had been with me since the day I returned from Kurukshetra. I have got the information that Karna was the son of Kunti, and had promised her the lives of four of her sons.
I never knew fulfilling the promises would be so tough, his last words still echo in my ears, “Forgive Me”
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