Chapter 33

In truth, she didn't know how to react. So many emotions were stampeding her heart, that she wished someone would just yell out which one to feel. Should she be hurt? Angry? Sad?

And even with the muddled mess her heart had become, she couldn't help but remember Arnav's desperate attempts to pacify her. The jalebis, the flowers... did all of them mean nothing? Did he simply seek her forgiveness and nothing else? Was she foolish enough to think and hope that maybe she was something more than an assignment for him, meant to be completed and filed away into the cabinet of memories for the rest of his life?

 

She heard her phone buzz from the depths of her purse, thrown carelessly across the room, but she didn't move. She simply gazed out of her window, wishing that she were left alone.

 

You are alone...

 

The thought struck her hard as flashes of Arnav and Ayesha raced to her eyes. Everyone had deserted her... her parents left her behind, her adopted family never caught up and the people she considered her own couldn't accept her. Most important of all, the girl who taught her to live again, also seemed to forget her.

 

You deserve it... all those times you pushed him away...

 

Khushi closed her eyes, as her mind whizzed away with its devilish thoughts. She had pushed him unceremoniously away, too caught up in her rage to realize her shortcomings. So, wasn't it only fair that he moves on? He never vowed to live with his past, like she unknowingly had.

 

But even with that thought, she had a hard time accepting it. Wasn't he telling Ayesha just a few days ago that he would never be able to stop caring?

 

It doesn't matter if she picks me or not... it doesn't matter if she forgives me or not. Because I picked her already. She can stay with me or without me, but it won't change the fact that I care for her. And even if she finds another man tomorrow, I won't stop caring for her.

 

Khushi gritted her teeth as the memory wreaked an angry havoc inside her. And it was with a small relief, that she finally understood the ache her heart was plunged into.  

 

She was betrayed.

 

He had so earnestly convinced her of his innocence, of his regret for not trusting her, that she thought somewhere, he returned the feelings she had so preciously harbored for him in the past two years. But like always, she was wrong. And she felt foolish for falling to the trap she tried so desperately to avoid, though the warning signs were right there, in front of her unseeing eyes.

 

Didn't Arnav himself say that they wouldn't be together had Shyam not interfered and wasn't the simple fact that he chose to carelessly dance with Ayesha on what could possible be their last night together, enough for her to believe that she had indeed meant nothing to him?

 

So, when he had made it obvious every step of the way, why did she have a hard time accepting it? Didn't she always know that she wasn't the type fit to be Arnav Singh Raizada's wife? Why did it have to hurt so much to finally see it played out in front of her?

 

A painful sigh escaped her mouth as she looked out the window overlooking the city of Pune, seeing not the spectacular view in front, but memories of the past. How was it that the sting she felt upon finding out the truth about her contract marriage was nothing compared to what she felt now?

 

"Khushi?"

 

Khushi froze upon hearing his voice carry softly across the room. She was so caught up with her thoughts that she didn't ever hear the door opening behind her or the sound of approaching footsteps.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

She didn't reply, not trusting herself enough to speak. She had no intention of turning this into a showdown of sorts.

 

Arnav continued to talk, edging closer to her still frame, regardless of the lack of response. The look on her face before she disappeared was burned too sharply in his mind to ignore it. "You left the party so unexpectedly. I was... worried."

 

Khushi heard him walking closer, the sound muffled by the plush carpet and felt the caution he was throwing into the air. But it did nothing to calm the rage, steadily building up inside her.

 

"Are you not feeling well?"

 

He was directly behind her now, just an arm's length away.

 

"Do you have a headache? Should-"

 

"I know you know what I saw. Please don't insult my intelligence Mr. Raizada... again."

 

Arnav felt the blow weaved into her words before he heard it. She had made him into the hated Arnav Singh Raizada in a matter of two seconds.

 

"Me and Ayesha are just friends," he said simply. There was no other way he could explain what had happened.

 

Khushi didn't reply.

 

"There is nothing between us... okay? We were just-"

 

"Just what?" she asked, no trace of contempt in her voice, and yet the sting quite obvious. "It was a spur of the moment?"

 

Arnav was taken back. What had she assumed upon seeing them dance together? Surely, it couldn't have looked real, not when his eyes didn't leave her for longer than a minute!

 

"No, it wasn't a spur of the moment Khushi. It wasn't anything!"

 

A sarcastic smile spread up her face. "Is that your way of breaking the news to me?"

 

"News?  What news?"

 

"I don't mind you know... Ayesha is after all my best friend. I would be happy for her."

 

Arnav's patience was reaching its limit. He didn't understand her unnaturally quiet voice and more so, her facade of indifference. "What's your point?" he asked bluntly.

 

"That you don't need to hide whatever you have going on with Ayesha."

 

"Which is nothing but friendship!"

 

She didn't appear to be listening to him.

 

"Seriously," he continued, watching her stare out the window into oblivion. "I don't know why you even think me and Ayesha are together, when you know perfectly well that-"

 

Arnav broke off, not being able to continue. He didn't know why she was being particularly so difficult, especially on their last night together. Didn't she know that he can never think about an another woman, forget dancing with her in public?!

 

"You should go back," she said, when he made no attempt to finish his sentence. "It's not nice to keep people waiting."

 

And that was the breaking point - frustration surged through Arnav, as he angrily grabbed her shoulders and spun her around to face him.

 

"Can you just drop it?!" he growled. "I don't know what your problem is, but locking it up inside you is definitely-"

 

"THEN WHAT SHOULD I DO?!" she roared suddenly, stunning him into silence. "TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO SEE YOU DANCING WITH MY BEST FRIEND?!"

 

Arnav hastened to clear the misunderstanding. "It's not what-"

 

"I THINK?" she finished. "THEN TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD THINK!"

 

He let go of her, as if she was a piece of hot coal.

 

"So this is what I get?" Khushi bellowed, watching him furiously. "Your infallible answer?"

 

Arnav kept quiet.

 

"How many times? How many times do I have to go through this? You threaten me into marrying you for a contract. And all I get in reply is silence. You treated me like vermin for six months. The reason I get - your silence. You show up here after two years and take me back to your house. When I ask why, I get your silence. And now, when you decide to spend our last night dancing with Ayesha, all I get is your silence."

 

He listened intently, each word hitting him like a dagger.

 

"Don't I deserve more? Don't I at least deserve an explanation after all that we have been through?"

 

"I told you," he said. "Me and Ayesha are just friends. You are misunderstanding us!"

 

"Misunderstanding?" she asked incredulously. "Then tell me, what should I make of you disappearing for a week? And finally, when you do show up, you ignore me... all day, I have been waiting for you. You didn't bother meeting me before the show and neither after in the party. Aren't you avoiding me?"

 

He pressed his lips, not wanting to confirm her speculations.

 

"See?" she said, knowing his intentions too well. "Even you know that I'm saying the truth. You keep running away... but you never stop to think that I'm here too and that maybe, whatever decisions you make, affects me too!"

 

"So what Khushi?" he asked, suddenly losing his resolve to keep quiet. "So what if I avoid you? Why should it matter to you what I do?"

 

Khushi stared at him aghast. It was a few moments before she found her voice again. "So what?" she repeated, disbelievingly. "Why do you think I wore this sari today?"

 

She held up her hands and continued in the same tone, "Or why these bangles? For that matter, why do you think I kept your mangulsutra and even your name?!"

 

Arnav gazed at her, not daring believe what she so blatantly expressed. Only, his silence enraged her even more.

 

"But you won't understand, right?," she said, shaking her head. "Fine. But I understand now. I always was, is and will be an annoyance in your life."

 

"Khushi-"

 

"No, I get it," she interrupted, her heart getting heavier with each passing moment. "It was there all along, since the day I fell into your arms actually... but I never saw it, not until now."

 

"Saw what?!"

 

She turned around to face the window again in answer, all the rage she felt a second ago vanishing into despair.

 

"You are getting this all wrong!" Arnav exclaimed, quick to make himself heard now that she stopped shouting. "This isn't me ignoring you... it never was. I'm just trying to make this easier for you!"

 

He paused, hoping to see a flicker of expression on her face, but she maintained her stony silence.

 

"This is not what you want Khushi," he continued. "Or need. I'm not someone who can handle a good morning kiss, a love filled lunch or a romantic walk on the beach. You know that... better than anyone. So, how do you expect this to work?"

 

Khushi was confused to hear his explanation. Of all the reasons she thought of, this was definitely not one of them. "And who told you that I need all of that?"

 

"You did," he said. "Remember... that day in the boutique? I didn't understand then, but I do now Khushi... I'm not good for you. You deserve someone much better... someone who can fulfill your dreams. Someone, who doesn't need proof to believe you."

 

She stared at him, her mind filling up with images of the day in question, when he realized she kept his name... she had definitely accused him of not understanding her, of not loving her.

 

But things were different now.

 

She knew much more than what she knew then. She learned enough in the past few days to know that he changed, that she misunderstood what was his defense mechanism to be his attitude.

 

And it was with blinding realization that she suddenly comprehended that she didn't care anymore. She didn't care if he understood her or not, because she loved him anyway. And she will love him regardless of all the faults he had, and all the incompatibilities they shared.  

 

"Well I don't need someone to do all that," she said, looking into the eyes she dreamed endlessly about. "Because they won't make up for you."

 

A sad smile spread across his lips. "You are saying that now, but-"

 

"But what?" she fired. "But when I wake up tomorrow morning, I won't feel the same?"

 

Arnav didn't reply, knowing that she was repeating his words. "Khushi-"

 

"Forget it," she said, turning back to the window in defeat. "Just forget any of this happened."

 

"I know you are hurt-"

 

"Really?!" she asked scornfully. "You know how I'm feeling? How about I tell you what I'm thinking?"

 

"Please Khushi," he said impatiently. "Stop being irrational and just think, for one second - can you ever forget our contract marriage and forgive me for it?"

 

"Yes and I have! I have forgiven you for everything that happened! But you won't believe it, because it goes against your decision."

 

"What are you talking about?!"

 

"You are lying! You are lying that it's better if we are not together, but the truth is you don't want to be together. And you never did... I was the stupid one, who-"

 

"Trust me! It's not like that!"

 

She gazed at him, a sudden lump constricting her throat and without knowing why or how, she burst into a speech with a shaking voice.

 

"And why would I do that? Why should I trust you when all you have done is prove over and over again that I'm not worth being with you? First it was Lavanya and now this... even if it's not Ayesha, it will be someone else, right? Some other high class, pretty girl, who wears short dresses and high heels. Or some model who knows how to make the front page with you everyday. Or maybe when you get older, a woman who can run a business with you... but it will never, ever be me."

 

Arnav gaped at her, her words taking an unbelievably long time to sink in. But when they did, he found that his misery was lost as his inhibitions abruptly balled up into white, hot rage. "Is that what you think? About me? About us?"

 

She didn't answer, a lone tear escaping her restraints.

 

He stepped forward, covering the small space between them and angrily grabbed her arms once again. "Answer me dammit!"

 

"I-I... it's-"

 

She never finished her sentence, for Arnav had suddenly cupped her face and pressed his lips to hers. She froze in astonishment, her heart thudding at the sudden contact.

 

He slowly broke away, and whispered, "Do still think all that?"

 

Khushi couldn't reply, not when she felt his body pressing against hers, or his muscular arms caging her. She stared transfixed into his muddy brown eyes, feeling his breath on her face as he continued in the same voice:

 

"It will never be Lavanya or Ayesha or some model in short dresses and high heels who will make the front page with me everyday. It will always be you."

 

And he was kissing her again, and this time she responded. She kissed him back fervently, ignoring her conscience and it's screams for rationality.

 

"W-wait," she spluttered, when they broke for the briefest of seconds for air. "You didn't come back... all of last week..."

 

He didn't reply, choosing instead to seize her lips once again. At that moment he didn't care that he owed her an explanation or that minutes ago, he was trying his best to stick to his resolution of letting her go. But now, when he had her in his arms at last, there wasn't a single excuse in the world good enough for him to leave her.

 

Khushi didn't object to his advances. She wrapped her arms around his neck as his mouth began to trail down her neck on to her shoulders. Despite the protests her mind was giving, she couldn't help but give in. After months of longing, she finally gave full reign to her desires - it was time she stopped trying to change the course her life, not when it was determinedly heading to one single destination.

 

As his hands began to roam across her petite figure, Arnav felt his phone vibrate urgently in his pocket. He unheeded it, continuing to place kisses on her exposed collarbone, his fingers trying to undo the numerous pins of her saree.

 

"Your phone," Khushi murmured finally, when it could no longer be ignored.  

 

He didn't answer, pretending not to hear her.

 

She tried again. "Arnavji, it might be importa-"

 

Arnav jerked up to look at her face, illuminated only by the streaming moonlight through the open window. She stopped mid-sentence, caught off guard with the blazing look on his face.

 

"Arnav," he corrected. "It's Arnav..."

 

Khushi didn't answer, knowing that he was right. It seemed very foolish that she was still clinging on to the niceties she was once taught to be used with strangers, when in reality he nothing short of family; the closest she ever had or could have.

 

"The phone," she reminded softly.

 

Arnav unwillingly dug into his pocket and pulled out the still vibrating phone. Keeping his eyes trained on her, he threw it carelessly in the air and heard it land on the bed with a dull thud.

 

"It could-"

 

He silenced her with a finger on her lips. "Not today," he said. "Not now..."

 

A blush crept up her cheeks, as she understood his intentions. While her heart picked up its race once again, she was surprised at how calm her mind remained. It almost felt surreal that all her worries fled in one night, or rather with one kiss...and they were blissfully replaced with the unexplainable joy that only dreams could bring.

 

Arnav continued to gaze at her, his hands encircling her waist once again. He wanted to know her feelings, her thoughts... sure she had wanted him, but it was only fair that she truly understood what that meant.

 

"Arnav," was all she said in answer to his unsaid questions.

 

But it was enough for him to understand.

 

He pulled her into his arms, knowing that she was his and he, hers. And it was only that one thought which ran in their minds as they finally claimed each other without any resentment or guilt or despair... it was just the two of them, wrapped completely in a world of their own where there was nothing but joy. Joy at finally being able to love each other without any inhibitions whatsoever.