Chapter 46

"Kushi." Arnav screamed as he jolted up from the bed. His heart was pounding against his rib cage and his breathing was ragged. He rolled his eyes everywhere taking in the surroundings and finally fixed his eyes on his sister who was approaching him with concern. "Kushi." He didn't say another word knowing well that single word was enough to get his answers.

"Kushiji is still in operation theatre. What happened to you, chotey? God, you are sweating so much?" Anjali asked trying to reach out for him but he moved away. Arnav wiped his forehead with his palm and heaved a sigh closing his eyes as he remembered everything. Kushi's labour; she becoming unconscious followed by him. He was admitted temporarily in the hospital.

He sighed again as images of his nightmare came in front of his eyes. This was the nightmare which haunted him every night for three months. It stopped after Kushi came back to his life. The fact that he got the same nightmare after so many months scared him with the possibilities; is he going to lose her again?

Shaking his head away from those thoughts, he dropped his legs down from the bed he was laying. He wore his shoes along with his 'i-am-perfectly-fine' mask. "Di, I will go and stand near theatre, in case if they need me..." his perfectly controlled voice trailed off as he noticed his grandmother. "nani, what are you doing here? Who is with prem and pia?" he spoke like a responsible head of family.

"Lavanya bitiya came home. She is with them." Devyani answered with a smile to which her grandson argued back. "Still...how will she manage three kids all alone? You..." Arnav was cut off by Anjali. "NK is with her chotey." Arnav turned to his sister noticing change in her tone; frustration. "You don't have to do this, chotey."Anjali said shaking her head.

"Do what, di?" Arnav questioned her sister watching her intently. "To act like everything is perfect when they are not! To act like you are strong when you are not!" There was anger in anjali's voice. She was tired of her brother's cold behaviour like he didn't care about anything when he actually did. She was scared few minutes before when he continuously mumbled Kushi's name unconsciously like he was having a nightmare. Now she is getting even more scared watching him act like those thing doesn't matter. Why can't he share what's in his mind and heart?

"Why are you behaving strange like this? Why can't you behave like normal people?" Anjali questioned her brother with resentment. "That's because I am not normal!" He chuckled at his own joke but his face turned serious as Anjali spoke again. "You are scared."He hid his face again with indifference mask. "Why should i be? Di, you are talking rubbish."

He turned to leave but stopped when Anjali began to speak. "I wish our maa was alive today. At least you would have not lied to her in front of her face like this. i always consider you as my first child, chotey. But now i understood that there is difference between real and consideration. I thought i was your mother but in reality you are not even able to share your insecurities to me."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL, DI?" Anjali stepped back hearing her brother's scream. "That I am scared because I have a strong feeling that Kushi won't be able to make it. I am scared because i get nightmares like losing her or i am scared because i might hate my child if something happens to Kushi or i am scared because i will not be able to live for a second if something happens to both of them. What do you want me to tell, di?" Arnav choked in anger as tears filled his eyes.

"chotey!" Anjali cupped his face and in next moment her brother was in her arms crying. She couldn't remember the last time when she saw his brother crying. It was always other way around. She would be the one crying on his shoulders. She felt so helpless. Tears were flowing out of her eyes involuntarily. She soothed him and then made him to look at her.

She wiped his tears and held his chin. Her voice was trembling. "Don't cry chotey. You are very good at heart. Only good things will happen to good people. Nothing will happen to kushiji or your child." Arnav sniffed and argued. "You are also good, di. But still jeejaji left..." He spoke without thinking but as his own words sunk on him, it shook him to the core. Anjali tumbled on the couch behind her. Arnav looked at his sister with new fears gripping his heart. Will what happened to his sister happen to him also?

He kneeled down and laid his head on his sister's lap. Holding her legs tightly, he cried. "Di, i am scared. Scared like hell, di." Devyani sat next to Anjali and caressed her grandson's head. "chotey, Anjali bitiya and you have gone through so much in life at young age. Now you both deserve happiness. Everyone will get what they deserve in life."

"I don't deserve Kushi, nani." Arnav's voice was low but firm. He continued "she is an angel, nani. And i am a bas****. This is what scares me the most nani. I don't deserve her in anyway. That's why i feel like she is going away from me." Arnav closed his eyes letting his tears wet his chiselled face. This time Anjali spoke. "Dont say like that, chotey. You and kushiji both deserve each other."

Arnav shook his head slowly. "I ruined her life, di. I used her to take revenge on his father and brother. I used her love. How much it would have hurt her when i asked her father, cost for using her that too in front of her. How much she would have suffered when she came to know i didn't love her. How much pain she would went through when her parents died. How much she would have cried in those three months when I was not with her. i was responsible for all her tears. Then how come i deserve her?"

Anjali and Devyani sat quietly in shock trying to take in the information's. They couldn't believe their chotey can do something so low. Arnav let a dry chuckle. "But even after everything she forgave me just like that, nani; so easily. I knew the mistake i committed. I also knew that best punishment i could ever get or punishment which will hurt me most is separating Kushi from me. i was ready to accept it nine months ago but not now. I can't live without her even for second now; not even for a second."

Anjali spoke in disbelief tone. "I can't believe you did this all. If you had loved Kushiji like you claim to, then you would have never left her that day, chotey. Your love would have never allowed you to do. Never." Arnav watched as his sister shook his head and sat on floor with his hands wound around his knees. "i left her because i loved her di. I left her because i wanted her to be happy." Arnav answered making Anjali more perplexed.

"You are not getting it, di." Arnav swallowed the lump in his throat. "I am cursed, di. And people i love also get cursed because of me, di. Knowingly or unknowingly i am reason for their unhappiness. I am the only reason, di. I..." Anjali cut him off."What are you blabbering chotey?"

Next instant Arnav got up to kneeling position and held Anjali's both hand firmly. "Di, you know how much you mean to me. i dont even remember our mother's face. You are my mother, di. You are my everything, di. There is nothing in the world which makes me happy like seeing you being happy. I will do anything to make you happy. I will go to any extent to see a smile on your face. You know that, right?"

Anjali nodded still not getting why her brother is reacting so anxiously. "But... I am the only reason for your grief, di." Arnav sobbed burying his face in anjali's hands. Silence filled the room until Arnav composed himself and began to talk again. "You know that jiju always wanted to become professor but started managing fashion house because his dad was not well. When i was in my final semester, he and his dad decided that i will be the apt person to manage their Fashion house."

Anjali looked taken back. She had no idea about it. "It was a surprise for you from jiju. He wanted to see your reaction when i take position of managing director in his firm. I was so excited, di. In my excitement i didn't think that this decision might anger his cousin, Sandeep, to such an extent that he might kill jiju and his father for that. Four years back, when he was in prison Sandeep confessed to me the reason why he killed jiju. I was the reason di."

Arnav held anjali's hand close to his face. "i wish i was never in your life. i am sorry di." It took few minutes for Anjali to digest all the facts. She cupped his face."shhh... it's not your mistake chotey. You didn't do anything. Why are you thinking like this?" Arnav shook his head. "i didn't do anything. But i am the reason, di. I am reason for your state. I am the reason for prem and pia being fatherless."

Anjali closed his mouth with her trembling fingers but he removed it. "i loved Lavanya, di. She was next important person to me after you. But i was responsible for her state; for her father's death." Arnav wiped his face and took a deep breath before speaking again. "Arjun Gupta was two years senior to me in college. Once i saw him using drugs in campus. I complained about it to higher authorities ignoring his threats. He was suspended for a month."

"He told me that he will make me pay for it. But i didn't give damn about it. Two years before, until Lavanya told me everything, i never knew that he actually did it. He chose Lavanya because he knew that i love her. He knew that it will hurt me when she is hurt. After spoiling her, He told her that he used her only to take revenge on me. pratiek uncle's death and her child death were just side effects. Lavanya didn't blame me. She will never do it. But still i knew that i am reason for her sufferings. My love is the reason."

Arnav moved back from Anjali massaging his throbbing temples. "I promised myself that i will correct everything in both of your lives. I decided to be best brother to you, father to prem and pia and husband to Lavanya. But whatever i did, i couldn't redo effects of the past. I could sense sadness behind laughter. It made me frustrated. I wanted take out my frustration on someone and i chose wrong person."

"Kushi." He breathed her name in low voice. It felt so good even to say her name. Arnav smiled sarcastically as he looked up at Anjali. "i was so conscious that i should not fall in love with her. When it became hard, i even tried to stay away from her. But i couldn't, di. That night..." He stopped rubbing his chest as if his heart was aching. "That night i couldn't stop myself from loving her. It felt so right like i was born only to be with her; like she was my only salvation."

His eyes which were fixed on ground grew distant. "I know she will hate me as well as her family if she comes to know the truth. I wanted her at least to be with her family if not with me. Because i know i deserve her hatred. I left her and earned her hatred. I know her mother will help her to recover from this. But when her mom died, i couldn't stay here."

"i went to her house after all media's fuss got over. I wanted to be there for her. It didn't matter whether she accepts me or not but i wanted to be with her. Arjun didn't allow me to meet her. Though i had informers inside their house, i couldn't contact her since she had detached herself completely from outside world. Only her father was allowed inside her room. Unsure of what to do, i came back."

"Few days later, i again went to Mumbai not for her but for me; because i was dying in guiltiness. I just wanted to see her once. I had only option, so I contacted Aditya gupta. To my surprise, he agreed. He said his daughter was in pain and only i can cure it. He said he will come to meet me in the evening. I was so excited, di. I thought everything will become normal in few hours."

"Two hours later, I got information that Arjun killed Aditya Gupta. I even got inside information that they were fighting because of me. Arjun was against Aditya Gupta meeting me. If i had not went there, it would have not happened. Once again i became reason for kushi's pain." Arnav closed his eyes letting his tears flow out. "This scared me di. I couldn't understand why i am becoming reason for my loved one's grief when i want nothing other than their happiness. It kills me to think i am reason for your sufferings."

"i went to hospital and saw her while she was unconscious. i thought if i love her, then what happened with you and Lavanya will happen to her also. It was ironic. Kushi's life was perfect until that night when i started loving her. I couldn't take what my love has done to her. I wanted her to be happy. So i decided to stay away from her."

"I even stopped contacting informers to know about her welfare. I convinced myself that i dont love her because i was scared to love di. i didnt want her to suffer like you because of my love. but my love for her is the reason why i convinced myself that i dont love her. i loved her, di."

"I stood outside hospital door until she became conscious and then walked out of her life. I didn't want her to get hurt because of my love. My love for her had stopped me from meeting her. But..." Arnav choked. "But if i had met her once, things would have been different di. I would have never allowed Kushi to have this child. My love stopped me that day. And look what my love has done to her, di. Today she is in verge of dying because of me; because of my love. I am the reason for it."

Anjali got down to floor and hugged her brother as he cried. She soothed his back repeatedly saying "no, you are not responsible for it. It's not your mistake, chotey."Anjali was shocked to know that he was blaming himself for every wrong that had happened in their life. He knew it for four years but didn't even say it to her. What he must have been going through but still he managed to put his cold mask on his face. Anjali felt ashamed that she couldn't understand what was going inside man who she claims to be her first child.

Anjali let Arnav cry because she wanted him to throw all the sorrow which was stagnant inside his heart. Arnav composed himself quickly than Anjali had expected. Towelling his face, he said "i will go and check on kushi. More than hour had passed..." He stopped as the room's door got opened and Dr. Mehra stepped in. Arnav held his breath as doctor began to speak. "Congratulation, Mr.Rai..."

Arnav interrupted the doctor. "Is Kushi fine?" Dr.Mehra smiled and answered. "Yes, Raizada. Both the mother and baby are fine. Kushi..." She was again interrupted by impatient Arnav. "Can i meet her?" Dr.Mehra looked at him stunned with his eagerness. "Yes, you can. She has been shifted to normal ward but still unconscious. Nurse is dressing your..." doctor stopped as Arnav already ran out of the room.

Arnav closed his eyes calming his racing heart and then opened his eyes. He once again looked at kushi through tansparent door and was about to open the door when someone stopped him. "Before you enter the room, i want to talk with you, chotey."Devyani's voice was steady and confident. Arnav looked perplexed and began to ponder why she was silent all the time.

"Both you and kushi bitiya had gone through a lot at such a young age. I will say that kushi suffered more than you. Betrayal from person you love is the worst thing which can happen to any girl. What you did to her is not a mistake but a sin. I feel even asking her to forgive you is unfair. But truth is she had already forgiven you. Five months back, i told you that she is a gem and she had proved it, chotey."

Arnav gave his full concentration as Devyani continued. "Like you told you dont deserve her. But she deserves to be happy for the rest of her life and her happiness lies with you. Even you deserve to be happy. I am sure you will keep her happy but for that, first, you have to leave your past behind. She had already done it, chotey. Now it's your turn. Forget everything, chotey. remove all your negative thoughts."

"They say giving birth to child is like rebirth for women. Let this be rebirth for you too. When you enter this room, i want you to leave all your past behind and think only about your wife and child and your future with them. Promise me that, chotey." Arnav nodded at his grandmother. "I promise nani." Arnav took a deep breath before entering the world where his past didn't mattered him; where he lived in present; where he looked forward towards the future with his wife and child.