Chapter 10

It was very difficult on Arnav's part to know that Khushi had retreated back from their relationship because he hadn't been able to love her. He had hoped against hope that this wouldn't affect her much. He would hate himself if Khushi would break apart after things ended' between them. What he didn't know was that Khushi will never be able to forgive herself if she would be the cause of his distress. Hence, she pretended that she was absolutely fine and also maintained the charade before Nani.

It wasn't very difficult to keep Devyani under the pretense that they were still together. Devyani was on bed throughout her last days.

A perpetual gloom had settled over Raizada Mansion when Devyani had died 2 months later in Arnav's lap with her dying hands grasped tightly by Khushi. The dining table conversations were not sandwiched anymore between Devyani's jibes on Arnav and her constant and fond attention on Khushi and the gratitude with which she saw Khushi every time they both went out.

Khushi had stopped doing his room since the day they had broken up' saying that he needed his space and that she had intruded on his personal space long enough but continued to speak to him normally, otherwise. And since Devyani left them for the heavenly abode, Khushi was no more required to pretend before anyone and she didn't.

Only when Khushi had put an end to her visits to his room that he realized how much of her she had put in there. He remembered stumbling upon one of his shoes on return from his trip which he had thrown carelessly on the day he left for it - that had never happened before. He couldn't find his things in their place more often than not. Having known that Khushi used to assemble his clothes, he now always found the ensembles not good enough and would spend considerable time in matching his suit and tie.

After his room was not cleaned for three days in a row, he had asked one of the house-helps to start doing so. And even after his room was cleaned, he knew that it wasn't the same any more - it wasn't the way Khushi did his room. He missed her personal touch, her careful attention to his preferences!

But what he missed the most was her genuine smiles and her carefree laughter which she had more or less lost since she realized that he didn't love her truly and which had completely disappeared when Nani had died. She would now only smile at him politely, not awkwardly though, and would have her breakfast and dinner with him on weekdays and all meals on weekends.

But, she had stopped discussing her life with him and whenever he asked her if everything was going on fine in her life, her answer would always be in an affirmative. Khushi never let him know that seeing him everyday, sitting within touching distance and yet so far away was a torture worse than what she had endured in her short duration in the brothel.

Despite of all this, he continued to take care of her like he usually did. He will never give up on his responsibility that he felt towards her. But slowly and steadily he realized that she hardly needed him anymore. Since she started working, and this included their dating period, she never withdrew a single paisa from the bank account he had made for her. Also, after the break up, she even stopped sharing her problems with him. He missed her companionship.

And it happened for the first time in the past 11 years that she didn't use a birthday gift given by him. He had gifted her one of the most expensive phones available in the country and she had excused herself from using it by saying that she will use it when her current one wears off completely. After this, he didn't have the heart to ask her if she will like to go with him for their annual trip abroad.

He wasn't late to realize that Khushi had emotionally distanced herself from him and that he never felt as lonely as he did now - without his Nani, without his Khushi, without anyone for that matter.

*

And thus as he sat reading a book on his bed, late in the night he was pleasantly surprised to find Khushi in his room. It was more than a year since they had last spoken in her room. She stood hesitantly at his main doorway, not entering his room through the poolside glass doors like she did in the past.

He removed his reading glasses, rubbed his eyes, while gesturing her to come inside.

She sat at the corner of his bed, maintaining distance, holding a few papers in her hand. She had been meaning to approach him since a very long time. But only today, after talking herself into discussing this topic with him, did she finally manage to bring herself to his room. She hoped that he will at least give her this. She looked up at him and asked "A girl or a boy?"

"What?" his forehead creased in confusion.

"When I told Nani and you that we will adopt a baby together, I wasn't joking" she said as she passed the papers to him.

"Why do you want to do this?" he asked, after going through the papers.

"I want to make someone's life better just like you made mine. You don't have to make any commitments to me or the baby except for signing at the required places..." she stopped speaking abruptly as she noticed him sitting very close to her, the papers lying next to them on the bed. They were having a proper talk after a very long time and him reducing the distance between them wasn't helping her weak heart which was clutched in a tight grip, lest it faltered again.

"Since when did you have to be so formal with me? The Khushi I remember demanded whatever she wanted and never hesitated" he took her hands in his, noticing how cold they were.

"I have realized that coercion is not always a good option, rather asking is" she answered honestly, pulling her hands away. Her heart still fluttered at such innocent gestures from him.

"Why me?" he asked curiously, tilting his head.

"Because I know you will be a very good father even if you stay on the periphery" she answered without any hesitance, bringing her hand forward to cover his "Nothing but the best for the baby"

Arnav wanted to laugh at the irony of the situation. One woman broke all ties with him just because he couldn't be a father whereas another woman was ready to form at least one bond with him because she thought he will be a good father!

*

During this past year, many a times he had thought about Khushi and her wish and he had tried his best to feel for her the way she did. This is what Khushi wanted, so wouldn't he try for it even if she had given up? But every time he looked at her, his selfless guardian instincts would take precedence over anything and everything and he would brush those thoughts away, never completely though as they would surprisingly creep up again.

One day as he sat pondering in isolation, with his room engulfed in darkness he had felt a hint of resentment towards Payal - along with her, she had also taken away his liberty to love someone, especially the one who truly loved him. And he felt sad for Khushi - she loved someone who couldn't reciprocate her feelings. He felt wretched - because he was giving up on something beautiful, wallowing for someone who never really cared for him.

Was Khushi the one meant for him and Payal was just a phase of life, leaving behind many experiences for him about relationships and people? Because of her he had learnt to not-love anyone like he loved her. He now wished that instead he could have adopted her selfishness. And probably instead of feeling like the only, lonely person in the whole world, he would be treated like someone else's world. At that moment, his eyes on its own accord moved over to the room beyond the pool and stayed there for a long minute...

He shook his head in astonishment at how his thoughts wandered off to Khushi.

As he lay down to sleep on the cold bed, he realized that Payal got what she wanted - a happy marriage and children. But did he get what he wanted?

What did he actually want?

Didn't he want someone to spend the rest of his life with? Didn't he deserve to be loved? Didn't he want someone to kiss him good morning instead of waking up alone every day? Didn't he want someone to tell him on a regular basis that there is someone who loves him? Didn't he want to have a person in his life whom he can tell every day that he loves her? Didn't he wish to be happy and have a contended smile on his face every night and before he dies?

Yes, he too wanted that and probably much more. Was he causing self-misery' to himself by not granting himself this pleasure in life?

Was he wrong in being selfless and doing what was best for Khushi, although it was something she didn't want? Will he be in error if he turned selfish towards her, gave her what she wanted and in return found his happiness too?

The first option was a Lose - Lose situation for both - He being selfless had caused her enough pain and an equivalent to him as well - he was used to being lonely. But after having been loved by Khushi, loneliness had gained a different meaning altogether. Along with this he felt guilty for never fulfilling his promise to Devyani - embracing happiness in life, thereby leaving her wish unfulfilled.

If he were to go with the second option it would be a Win-Win scenario for both. They will have a better future, something that Khushi wanted, something that he would want too and something that Nani had hoped for them. If something had happened to Khushi that day, she would have left this world with an unfulfilled wish because of him. If he would just break the wall he had created around him, he could still give her what she wanted and may be find his happiness too.

Should he try and reach out to his happiness? Was there any harm in trying? And thus around two months after Devyani died - he tried to love not for her but for himself.

He knew Khushi was a stunning woman who never failed to gain compliments on her beauty from both the genders alike. But can she be his woman?

When he brought his emotional guard down he started taking notice of her long hair which fell smooth and straight behind her back, her flawless skin tone, her remarkable features and those soulful eyes. He often found himself looking at her from the corner of his eyes, every time noticing something about her which he hadn't before. Without realizing, he slowly started seeing her even without being cognizant about it.

His perception of Khushi took some time to change, of course. A beautiful woman like her had loved me, despite of everything! Her beauty had several layers, at the core of which lay her pure heart. He was surprised at the fact that he was loved by her. Can he love her too?

He wasn't sure if he loved her or not in that sense. But he would be lying to himself if he said that he didn't miss Khushi. Although she was around him most of the time, he missed her affection for him, her care for him, her love for him and before he knew he started developing a yearning for her - something which he had felt never before.

Previously, if she was ever late from college or a party or work, he would be worried and would often call up the guard to know if she was fine. The same happened even now with the only difference that he couldn't go to sleep without seeing for himself that she was fine. He remembered staying up till 12 am, doing nothing but waiting for her to return from a work related party.

He often felt miserable at the fact that happiness was just a touch away yet he was shying away from it. He often wondered whether he can take away a familial future from her and give her a memorable present? Can he love her enough to cover up for all his deficiencies? Was he capable of loving someone to this extent?

And he did get an answer for that. This happened one day when he was going through a file, he dropped it on the table, got up from the recliner and just walked towards Khushi's room while she was still in her office. He slid open the glass door to her room and was surprised that her room was actually messy - something that he had never seen before. Khushi was always so meticulous. May be today she was in a hurry.

Thus, although he had an aching back, he had cleaned her whole room - something that he had never done even for himself! He had then sat exhausted on her pink bed and involuntarily smiled as he looked at Khushi's photograph in a pink floral frame on the table besides her bed.

"Look, you have made me a cleaner!" he said fondly, still looking at it. His smile suddenly slipped and he immediately got up and walked towards the glass doors. Keeping his back to the pool he said to the empty room "Great! Now, I am talking to myself!"

He so wanted someone to be with him as he walked alone from her room to his and he instantly wished it to be Khushi. Only she accepted him with all his flaws and only she deserved to have that special place in his heart. His loneliness was getting to him and he selfishly admitted to himself that day that he wanted someone like Khushi. Heck! He wanted Khushi! He needed Khushi.

He was tired of being lonely and he knew that only Khushi can fill that void like she had done during their dating period. He wanted that back.

But he hadn't told her about his jumbled up feelings thinking that probably she had moved on. He wasn't that selfish yet to now pursue her when she was over him.

*

But her presence today in his room, her faith in him, the fact that she had chosen him as the father of the child they would adopt, his hopes flared back to life. He would tell her that the feelings were no longer one sided.

"You are a wonderful woman, Khushi" he admitted, cupping her face with one of his hands, leaning towards her.

"No, please" she requested, closing her eyes tightly "It will hurt me, later"

"Do you think I will hurt you, now or later?" he asked her, forcing her to open her eyes to look at him. She shook her head, dumbfounded at his sudden proximity. Caressing her cheek with his thumb, he tilted her head and asked "Do you trust me?" She nodded her head infinitesimally.

"Thank you" he said before he pressed his lips over hers. He smiled over her lips as he felt her cheeks and neck turning warm under his hands and sighed against her lips when he felt her hands going around his neck.

He had kissed her before with care, he had kissed her before with respect, he had kissed her before with duty, he had kissed her before with worry, he had kissed her before with admiration but right now, as his lips memorized the curves of her lips, his tongue teasing hers, she knew that he kissed her with love though he had not said it in so many words.

Pulling his lips slightly away from hers he asked "Do you still love me?"

"Do you even need to ask?" she questioned back bringing her lips over his.

*

"He told me that he loves you" he said after a moment of hesitancy.

"Really? He told you that?" her eyes turned as wide as saucers and hope spilled out of them now in happy tears. He nodded in response at which she pulled her hands out of his hold, crossed her hands under her breasts and sulked while she said "Why doesn't he tell me?"

"May be because he wants to make it special or is assuming that it is more than obvious and doesn't require any words?" he offered and got a mere hmpf' in return.

"How many flowers will it take to make him say those three words to me?" she countered back, linking her fingers together.

*

Arnav and Khushi got married two months later in a court waiting for Devyani's one year death anniversary to pass.

Although nothing had changed between them, their house was the same, they spoke to each other like they did, ate together, went out for cinema and parties and yet everything between them had changed. Firstly, Khushi had shifted to his room saying "I would like to step out of a strawberry trifle in to a black forest sundae for a change"

Since our couple are a little unusual than others, Khushi had told Arnav to decide the pace of the relationship because she was definitely ready to take it to any and many levels, in fact more than ready and willing. So although they slept on the same bed, with Khushi resting her head over his arm, they hadn't made love yet.

It was only a few weeks after their marriage that they had finally taken that step. Although they made out almost every night, taking one baby step at a time, reveling in each other's arms as the night worn on, Arnav always put their making out sessions to a premature end.

It was during one such night of exploration and sudden discontinuation that made Khushi speak out. She was ready to wait as long as he wanted only if she knew the reason behind his reluctance.

"What holds you back every night, Arnav?" she asked while worshipping his back with open mouthed kisses as they sat on the bed, his bare back to her equally bare front, one of her hands hooked under his arm while the other drew lazy circles over his torso.

"Am I not appealing enough?" she bit at his earlobe suggestively making him groan and pull her to his front so that her legs were now wrapped around his waist.

"Have I left any chance to tell you how appealing you are?" he asked, kissing the valley below her neck, as he ran his hand over her back, bringing her hair to the front while caressing her thigh with his other hand.

"You haven't. But I want to know something new today" she said as she bit at his shoulder, splaying her hands over his bare front, feeling the muscle move under her hands. She pulled back from his shoulder, lifting his head from her breast to stop his tongue from its ministrations, held his face between her palms and asked "What's the matter? Don't say nothing! I know there is something. There is nothing you cannot tell me about" she probed him to speak and saw his head falling over her shoulder and said "Khushi, I am 40"

"Arnav, I am 25. This is really not the time to discuss our age" she remarked, running her hands through his hair in a gentle caress.

"It actually is. I haven't been with any woman in a long time. What if I am not able to satisfy you? What if you don't find me good in that way? What if...why are you laughing?" he asked, as he raised his head from over her shoulder and glared at her as he saw her suppressing her laughter by covering her mouth with her hands.

"What is so funny?" he asked furiously but his hands traced his name over her hip bone, gently.

After a few chuckles and sniggers, Khushi confessed keeping her face as straight as she could "I am the inexperienced one and you are worried! I won't even know if it could have been better because I have no experience to compare it with. Also, I have no intentions to test it by experimenting this with someone else" Her laughter had subsided and sobering up she said "You might not find me as good as your previous partners...We both are unsure. So why not try it out rather than wasting time on speculations?" A naughty glint had now entered her eyes as she pushed him on his back, straddling him.

Because of Arnav's medical history, they never used protection while making love neither during the act nor after it. They had decided to enjoy their married life to the fullest and then adopt a child. Khushi wanted to adopt a new born baby, wanting to experience the keeping awake in the night, changing diapers, making the baby burp and watching the most astounding creation grow and develop before her.

They didn't have to wait long for that though. Three years after their marriage, they were now ready to complete themselves by extending their family.

Miracles do happen and fruits are granted to those who are patient.

And Khushi had been patient for years now.

Arnav woke up lazily, his hand patting the space next to him. Finding it empty he yawned and stretched on their bed, knowing that Khushi was awake and in the bathroom. He had just pulled his t-shirt over him when Khushi came out of the bathroom with a saucy smile on her face.

"Seems you are tired after last night" she teased as she knelt on the bed and kissed him generously on his mouth.

"With you, never" he replied while rubbing his nose with hers and kissing her back while she removed his t-shirt with her now expert hands.

"We are so compatible, aren't we?" she asked several minutes later, looking at him lovingly from over his chest where she was sprawled.

"Without a doubt" he pulled her closer, taking her lips in a slow kiss as his hands roamed over her bottom.

"And didn't I tell you that miracles do happen?" Khushi got off his chest, sitting bare-front before him, not bothering or shy to cover herself.

"Yes, I can see one sitting before me" he replied as he tugged at her hand but she asked him to sit up on the bed while saying "Two, if you do the math correctly"

He looked at her quizzically as she placed his palm over her stomach saying "One plus one is equal to three"

His eyes turned wide in surprise and disbelief "No, this cannot be. Are you sure?"

She got off the bed, pulling her night gown over her, dragging him with her towards the bathroom. The floor was strewn with different, ripped wrappings and as he moved towards the sink, he saw a few sticks in it.

"Almost 600% sure" she approximated

"Unbelievable!" he exclaimed as he took her in a gentle hug.

*

For a minute, he stood there looking at her with his hands inside his pant pockets before he turned to the couple looking expectantly at him from the top of the staircase leading inside the house. He shook his head in the negative at them.

The man looked at his wife and said "She is so your daughter"

"And he is so your son" she replied, smiling indulgently at him and helped him inside the house.

If one looked at Mr. and Mrs. Raizada's children no one would ever be able to guess that one of them was not of their blood.

*

While Khushi was in her second trimester, she had managed to surprise him yet again as she carefully settled on their bed, drawing his attention to her as she asked "A boy or a girl?"

Arnav looked away from the television to her and pointed out "You were determined to not ask the sex of our baby, then why..."

"I am talking about the baby we are going to adopt"

"I thought you had dropped the idea since our baby..."

"I never intend to and will not drop the idea" She looked up as he joined her on the bed, kissing her fervently while being careful of her swollen belly.

"What if we end up differentiating between them?" he asked her after thinking it over.

"I have an idea for that..." she smiled thoughtfully.

3 months later when Khushi gave birth to her baby, she still didn't know the sex of the baby. As she waited in the hospital room post her surgery, she was rewarded with two babies - one boy and one girl.

Arnav and Khushi had found out that many newborns were abandoned by their mothers by choice or compulsion, leaving the totally dependent creatures at the mercy of the cruel world. Hence, they had decided to adopt the one which would be born and left on the same day as their baby in any of the hospitals in Delhi, their influence and name allowing them this one favor. They would see both the babies together only, the birth certificates of both would contain Arnav and Khushi's names as parents, both would bear the Raizada name.

As the babies were placed in her arms, she kissed both one by one and fed the boy first when he started crying. Aman and Lavanya had helped them through all the procedures, reading the forms and agreements and various other papers, leaving only the signature part for them.

*

"If he wasn't Aman and Lavanya's youngest son, I would have clawed his face for making my daughter go through so much. Why can't that idiot just say it?!" Khushi exclaimed in frustration as they walked hand in hand towards the entrance of the house, the dove and A' on her bracelet clinking against each other.

"My daughter is just as impatient as her mother" he teased her, getting a gentle nudge on his rib from her.

"Choose your words carefully, Arnav. However, your son plays his role of the patient one very well" she remarked as they stepped out of the house to the porch.

They settled on the porch swing, happy to note that their son had finally brought their daughter from the backyard to the front lawn to play a game of badminton. Although she had been reluctant when her brother had pushed a racket in her hand, she had now started enjoying the game. They observed them for several undisturbed minutes when Khushi spoke up

"Do you think anyone can make me love one more than the other if I ever come to know who is of our blood?" She turned to look at him, not failing to notice the grey dominating the black of his hair and how handsome he looked to her even now.

"No. And even if you do, the answer will still be a no" Arnav replied, looking deep in to the now bespectacled eyes of Khushi, tucking a strand of graying hair behind her bun.

"Do you think anyone can make us love them less if one of us discovered that they are not our parents?" He asked his sister, bringing the net down while they both looked at the couple that their parents made.

They looked at each other and shook their heads in the negative, smiling fondly at the couple named Arnav and Khushi who were still so madly in love with each other.

While their daughter thought about her beloved, their son thought with part curiosity and part longing, Will I ever be able to make someone love me as they love each other?'

Italics is the present where Khushi is 50 and Arnav is 65 :)