Chapter 4

[MEMBERSONLY]

The one who says that Khushi knew she had fallen in love with him at the age of 13 would be wrong. She didn't know what love was back then. In fact, she had given up on every good emotion in the one year she had spent at the brothel where greed, lust and desire were the only emotions known to the people there.

After entering the safe cocoon of the Raizada house, her belief that goodness still existed started resurfacing when he had spoken to her for the first time. His gentle nature, calm countenance, soft brown liquid chocolate and hazel eyes and his assuring words had changed her perception of the world in that instant.

Nani had told her about their shared past but somehow she wasn't interested in her past anymore, except for her parents. Nani had shown her old photographs of Khushi's family including a young Shashi. Somehow even then Khushi had this strange yet keen interest to know about Nani's family too. Devyani had been unfortunate to witness the death of her husband, daughter and son-in-law. But she had remained strong for Arnav. Her husband had soon expired after the treachery while her daughter had died during child birth. Motherless, Devyani and her son-in-law had tried their best to fill in the void left by Arnav's mother in Arnav's life. When Arnav had turned 25, his father suffered from a fatal heart attack owing to his high cholesterol diet.

Devyani didn't mention anything about Arnav's love life and for some unknown reason, Khushi had felt relieved.

At the age of 13, when she was taken to the doctor to take care of the marks on her body, when she had met a counselor, when she went to school, when she made friends, when she went out with Lavanya or Aman, when he took her for a foreign trip for the first time, laying the world map before her, asking her to point her finger at any place and she will be taken there, every time he asked for her opinion, every time she looked at him her eyes shone with gratitude.

This gratitude had turned in to respect over her first year here. If someone asked Khushi when she started respecting him, she would say on her very first morning. But the truth was, when asked with this question, her 14^th birthday would play before her eyes when he had revealed the thoughts that he had put in when he had picked up the bracelet with the dove. He had told her that she reminded him of peace and purity. She had always been respected sans the one year with her uncle, but never had anyone shown this much respect towards her. Her respect for him then had increased manifold.

Looking at him, working day and night with acute concentration and focus, made a 15 year old Khushi regard him highly. She had picked up this habit of extreme focus on the task at hand from him and had always been rewarded with fruitful returns. The revelation of his charity work especially for street children and emancipation of women and children trapped in the filthy world of human trafficking had made her admire him like never before.

By the time she was 16, she hadn't realized when this admiration had turned in to an awareness she didn't know the name of. She had started noticing even the minutest of his actions, note the slight huskiness in his voice, how his Adam's apple would move up and down when he drank water directly from a bottle. She would even know that he was already home or was right behind her without any prior knowledge. When she would read a romantic novel, her brains would replace the name of the hero with his and the heroine with hers. All this had panicked Khushi and this was the period during which she had physically distanced herself from him and had refused to go on a family trip together.

When he had taken her to a party as his plus one and danced with her for the first time, she realized at the age of 17 that she was attracted to him because no matter what he did or where he went, she couldn't keep her eyes and mind off him.

By the age of 18, one morning when she couldn't get her mind off him ever since he had gone on a along business trip, she had started visiting his room. Since that day till today she hadn't let any servant enter and take care of his room. She did everything herself, including the dusting and changing of the bed sheets. While arranging his shirts and coats from darker to lighter shades, she had tagged these feelings as infatuation which would puff out in to a smoke soon.

But even after over a year of visiting his room when she still couldn't get her mind off him, while hugging his pillow to herself, caressing it and placing a small kiss on it, a 19 year old Khushi had realized that her feelings were something more than infatuation.

It took her an entire year, a lot of reading, a lot more of observation, a small indirect talk with Lavanya about Aman which made her finally realize that she was in love with him. Instead of shying away from that realization, Khushi had embraced it with open arms and had felt at the top of the world. That day, thanks to the on-set of the monsoon winds, Khushi had gone running up to the terrace where she had soaked herself in the rain while dancing in uncontained excitement. The wind had carried her message wherever it blew -I love you, Arnav'

Her love, over the next three years had turned in to something she would never have named - obsession. Living with Arnav from the past 8 years was experience enough to know him in and out. She had noticed that he would pick up the first ensemble from the right. Hence, every time he went inside the shower, she would tip-toe in to his room to pick up a suit for him, of her choice and place it on the extreme right of the wardrobe. Her eyes would then drink his whole persona as he would sit eating the breakfast made by her at the table. Nani had been surprised to see Khushi, who had never stepped into the kitchen, take a sudden interest in the culinary department but she had simply shrugged it as a phase of life'. She had learnt all the dishes that he liked but presented those on the table only when she had excelled at them.

She had then slowly started adapting to his schedule, waking up before he did and sleeping only when he went to bed. She would always switch on the AC in his room at a perfect temperature so that he always entered in to a cool room. Instead of filling her collection with more colours, her apparels' bills leaned considerably towards shades of black, white and blue - the colours he often wore.

It had been very difficult for her to control the different arrays of emotions she felt for him around him and others. She had to be particularly careful around Lavanya as she was quite observant. When she had the love talk' with her, Lavanya had looked suspicious but Khushi too had been on her guard around her. She didn't mind them or anyone for that matter to know what she felt for Arnav. What she wanted was that he should be the first to be privy to the most intimate secret about her. It was difficult, not impossible.

She hadn't realized the depth of her own feelings until he had suggested to her that she could leave the country for pursuing higher education to take her career forward. But all she had heard was to go away from the country, away from this house, away from him. Her heart had painfully constricted at the thought of going away from him voluntarily for a long stretch of time, unknown to her when she would see him next.

Living with him from the past ten years had built in a sense of certainty in her which she never had even when she lived with her parents. With her parents, she didn't know if they will be able to fill in the ration for the next month, if they will be thrown out of the house for the delay in paying rent, if her mother would survive the TB bacteria that refused to evacuate her body and if the promise they have made to be with her always had a life time guarantee.

She was sure, very sure, for the first time in her life - she was sure, sure of him.

Hence, she had given the lamest excuse available in the books of students and she had smoothly lied, for the first time to him, that she wanted a break of one year from studies. Like always, he had agreed. The thought of going away from him had finally given her the courage and the much needed push to express her feelings for him.

Sitting before him right now, with their hands clasped together, she was looking him in the eye, trying to reflect every particle of love that she felt for him in her eyes.

Her eyes had instantly misted when he slipped his hands from between hers and had stood up from the bed as if he was stung by her words.

He stood clenching and unclenching his fists on the side, while Khushi continued to sit on the bed, motionless except for the tears that now made way from her cheeks and dropped on to her lap while some slid down to the hollow of her collar bones. She had cried for the first time since she had come here.

He noticed it instantly. And in the next second he was sitting next to her, again holding her hands in his one hand while he held her chin with the other, forcing her to look at him in the eye.

She looked back at him with the same unfathomable pool of love that she had just revealed to him, his unspoken rejection not wavering her resolve even a bit.

"Khushi, please don't cry" he pleaded while wiping her tears. He had no idea why she was saying all this to him suddenly and where and how she had developed this idea. He had been too stunned at her confession and had not been able to understand the meaning behind it until comprehension had dawned over him coupled with the evidence of an A now resting on her wrist. He wanted to reject the thought outright, blaming his tired mind for the same, but he couldn't deny the look that she had in her eyes for him, as if nothing existed except for him, as if nothing mattered in the world except for him, as if she would be nothing if not for him.

"Don't make me cry" she too pleaded back as she held his hand over her cheek, holding it there, feeling the touch of his hard hand over her soft, wet cheek. He slipped his hand out from between her cheek and hand and turned around from her.

Khushi felt an immense sense of loss when he looked away from her.

"Khushi, you don't know what you are talking about. Go to your room" he said in a strained, curt voice - a tone he had never used on her.

"I know what I am talking about" Khushi stood up, as her cheeks heated up in to a shade of red, for mocking her love for him as a sign of ignorance and lack of thinking "I know that I love..."

"STOP!!! Stop right there!" he yelled, as he stood up from his place, glaring down at her - something he had never done before. Before Khushi could say something, the phone rang. Giving one final look to Khushi, he walked over the dressing table to pick up the phone and answered "Yes, Nani" his voice sounded normal, as if the girl he had been taking care of since a decade, as if the girl he had seen growing up before him, as if the girl who was now standing behind him had not proclaimed her love for him.

"Chotay, is Khushi bitya in your room?"

Glancing in Khushi's direction who was staring back at him with her hands folded under her heaving breasts, he answered "Yes, Nani. She is"

"Good, I am coming over" she informed and before he could say anything she had disconnected the line.

Walking over to a still Khushi, he ordered "Fix yourself up. Nani is coming here"

He was surprised when Khushi obligingly walked over his dressing table, picked out a few tissues from the tissue box and started wiping the kohl mixed tear stains off her face. By the time Nani came to the room, Khushi's face was wiped clean of any sign of make-up or tears.

Devyani sat herself comfortably over the bed, asking Khushi to sit next to her while Arnav stood leaning against the pool side door. It was better to handle this situation on his own, thought Arnav deciding to not involve his Nani in this matter.

Devyani cupped Khushi's face between her palms, bringing Khushi's face forward to place a kiss on her forehead while a small fond smile played on her lips and her eyes glistened with tears. Devyani didn't speak for several moments as she continued to caress Khushi's face, staring at her with warm, caring, affectionate eyes. Arnav continued to stand against the door, his ankles crossed, glaring down at the floor.

"Khushi bitya, are you happy?" she asked, unaware of what happened in the room a few minutes back.

Khushi was happy that was true. But she wasn't entirely happy. She would be only when Arnav would accept her proposal. She smiled at the lady who had attended all the events with her, filling in the place of her guardian and replied "Yes, Nani. I am happy"

Devyani smiled back and then spoke "I hope I don't have to remind you how precious you are to me, to us" she looked at Arnav who refused to look at them, still interested in the floor while Khushi looked at him with a mixture of hurt and love. Khushi tore her eyes away from him and nodded in acknowledgement.

"I am more like a friend than your Nani, right?" she asked holding Khushi's hand.

"Yes, Nani. What is it?" Khushi asked.

"I will not beat around the bush and ask this to you directly. Bitya, are you ready for marriage? Or do you wish to study further?"

"I do not wish to study further" Khushi declared, looking down while Arnav's eyes snapped to face her.

"So bitya, do you wish to get married?" she asked, her smile turning wider. Having daughters was a pleasure only a few had the opportunity to experience but seeing their daughters with a partner who would cherish them for life, was even better.

"Nani, I do not mind marrying, if I get the right man" Khushi said, looking at Arnav, who was looking at her with a confounded expression.

"That is wonderful news" Devyani clapped her hands once in excitement "My friend, Subadhra's grandson has shown an interest in you and I am sure he will keep you happy" looking at Khushi's crestfallen face, Devyani added "Of course, if you like him that is"

"Can I go now, Nani?" Khushi suddenly asked, getting up from the bed "I am very tired and I think I am getting a headache"

"Sure, sure. Arnav take Khushi to her room. I will ask Jai Prakash to get her a glass of baadaam milk" saying this Devyani patted Khushi's head once before she left, leaving them alone in the room.

Arnav slid open the glass door further and stepped on the side to let her exit his room. He walked her to her room, opened the glass doors for her, but didn't enter her room.

"It is better that you listen to Nani and meet NK" he said to her back. Just when he was about to slide the door shut, she spun on her heels and asked "Why should I go for something better when I can have the best?"

Arnav shut his eyes in frustration and left the room while Khushi fell on the floor in a pile, crying.

That night neither Khushi slept nor Arnav, one thinking of her happiness and the other, not surprisingly thinking of her happiness too.