Chapter 33

[MEMBERSONLY]

Chapter 33: The Broken Monster

Finally I'm back... Thank you for all the support and good wishes for my mother... She is well now... I love you all for waiting patiently and being by my side...😊

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Sometimes the one who gives the pain is much more hurt than the one who has to bear it. It is easy to commit a mistake, it may be even easy to realise your mistake and repent for it. But how do you recover when the guilt breaks you? How do you live with yourself knowing that you have hurt an innocent?

Arnav Singh Raizada had been a monster once. But today he was broken, broken by guilt, broken by pain. He was broken not just by his pain but also the pain of the one he had hurt.

And the person who he had hurt was right now standing a few feet away from him witnessing his pain. Khushi stood like a statue staring at Arnav's trembling form as he sat on the recliner with his face hidden in his palms. She had seen him stand tall, oozing confidence, arrogance and pride. So it was somewhat disturbing to see his sagged, defeated form. He had apologised for his deed, numerous times. But for the first time it felt like he had meant each and every letter of the word 'Sorry' that he had spoken.

It felt strangely good to know that she hadn't been the only one suffering. The cause of her pain was also suffering equally with her. She realised that the reason, so far he hadn't tried to get intimate with her wasn't because he had promised her or just didn't want to hurt her. It was because he couldn't get himself to be close to her THAT way, just like she couldn't. For the first time her heart went out for his pain because she now knew that it wasn't just a show. She felt calm. She closed the door of the room and came forward and sat on the bed, staring at the floor, facing away from him.

"Why Arnav? Why did you do it? Look what you have done to me. Look what you have done to yourself." She barely whispered as tears still flowed down her face.

There was no reply for a long time. For a moment she thought that he hadn't heard her. She was about to speak again when his raspy, dry voice interrupted her.

"You remember that day you had fever and I forced you to come to work? You fainted in my cabin. I cursed myself for being so harsh on you. But that day I felt my heart beat for the first time. You lay unconscious right in front of me and I could only stare at you. And after that I could never stop thinking about you." Arnav started speaking as if he couldn't stop. "No matter how bad a boss I was, you never complained. You patiently handled all my tantrums. I was drawn to your goodness, your innocence, your beauty... Everything about you pulled me towards you. I could never digest the fact that I would feel that way for anyone and you... you were a mere PA. How could you affect me so much? I fought hard with myself to keep you out of my mind. But every day I would see you and my attempts to distance you would seem like a mockery. My self control finally broke when we were in Mumbai. That day, when you had wandered away alone, I went crazy with worry. I thought I would lose you. The thought scared me so much, like a lunatic I ran through the streets looking for you. And in the evening when we went to that party, I just couldn't stop looking at you. You were so beautiful, so pure, just like a goddess. When that other guy asked you to dance with him, I felt like pulling you in my arms and hiding you away from the eyes of the outside world. How could anyone else even look at you, let alone admire."

He was speaking as if he had to get all of it off his chest, "When we returned... It felt like I was drugged. You were in my entire system, intoxicating me. I... I came to your room and then we... but I didn't know how you would react afterwards and I was so confused about my own feelings too, so I left. After we returned you seemed so aloof as if you didn't care. Somewhere deep down I did realise it was my mistake. What would you be thinking about a guy who knocks your door, kisses you like crazy and then walks away without a word? I was getting restless by the day. Your indifference was causing so much frustration to build up in my chest. Every day I would see you talking to Akash, Karan and others happily but with me you would just behave like a PA, as if nothing had happened between us. I would feel jealous even of my own brother and that... Shyam..." Both of them flinched at the mention of his name. "I could never stand to see him with you." He paused breathing heavily, his fists clenched tightly.

"He used to keep coming to my cabin trying to make advances. I hated him... I hate him..." Khushi spoke suddenly, her voice filled with repulsion.

"I wish you had told me about it. I had no idea he was such a pervert. Only after you left, the rest of the female staff told me about his shameful conduct." His jaw clenched. "That... that day..." Khushi gripped the bed sheets tightly on hearing him mention what she feared. At least both of them had their backs towards each other. It was so difficult to relive it again but Arnav and Khushi, both knew that it was now or never. If they wanted even a fraction of peace in the future, they had to face this. "That day, I realised that I felt something for you, I didn't realise then that I loved you but I knew that it was definitely something stronger than attraction. I wanted to talk to you, maybe take you out for dinner and try to know you better. Spend some time with you, just the two of us. I waited for the whole day and decided to visit you in the evening to ask if you would like to go out with me. But... but when I came there... what I saw... I couldn't believe it. And then... he... he lied to me. He said you were always trying to hit on him, even Akash and Karan. I went mad with rage and then he said that maybe... maybe... you... even with me..."

Khushi's eyes were wide open as she stared at the floor unseeingly and tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I don't know what took over me. I had never felt so drawn towards any girl, like I felt towards you. I felt betrayed. I know I should have waited and verified your side of the story too but I couldn't think straight at that time, I don't know what mad rage had taken over me and... and then..."

He couldn't speak anymore. Khushi had buried her face in the pillows crying uncontrollably. Arnav shut his eyes tightly. "I... I am not giving excuses for what I did. There's simply no justification for what I did. But all this had become so suffocating that I had to just say it to you... Khushi I know what I did was wrong and there is no forgiveness for it but... I'm not a Rapist Khushi; I'm not a Rapist..." He again covered his face with his palms as tears escaped through the corners of his eyes.

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"I'm not a Rapist Khushi; I'm not a Rapist..." Khushi woke up with a start gasping for air. She looked around trying to figure out where she was. It was very early in the morning and the light was dim. She saw Arnav's dark form, curled up on the recliner. She realised, both of them had fallen asleep in the same positions they were sitting last night. Wanting some fresh air, she tiptoed to the poolside without making a sound and sat down on the floor hugging her legs close, staring at the still water of the pool.

His words kept echoing in her head again and again. She had once accused him of being a Rapist, she didn't know her words had such a deep impact on him. All that he had told her last night was running through her head.

And she could think of only one conclusion for why he did that to her... and it sounded absolutely crazy... It would only mean that Arnav had loved her even then and he loved her so much that her every action, affected him very deeply. So much that he couldn't bear the idea of her with someone else. She could imagine how he would have felt when he was about to ask the girl he loved for a date for the first time and instead he saw her with someone else and was told that he had been cheated. And anger was the only way Arnav would react to anything, then and now. But could you love a person so much that you could hurt the one you love? Well the Answer was obviously 'Yes', she and Arnav were living examples of it.

One thing she appreciated about him was that he wasn't using his love as an excuse for hurting her and taking full responsibility of his deeds without expecting forgiveness from her. The only thing he asked of her was, not think of him as a Rapist.

She thought about it for a long time. No, she decided. He was not a Rapist. He would never have stopped where he did, if he were one. She could give him that much, a dark lover maybe... a shiver ran through her body... A dark lover who could cross any limits for her. Khushi wasn't sure if she even understood his feelings for her.

She wondered how life would have been today, had Shyam not been in her cabin that fateful evening. And Arnav had just come to her and asked her out for dinner. Things would have been so different. After all back then she too had some feelings for him, if she was being honest with herself. And maybe that was one of the reasons why she couldn't hate him completely. Hating Shyam was easy, he had always disgusted her but hating Arnav was something she hadn't managed even after what he had made her go through over the past one and a half year.

"KHUSHI!!!!!"

She came out of her thoughts, hearing Arnav call out loudly. She got up and ran inside the room to find Arnav looking around the room frantically.

"Arnav?" She said softly and a little cautiously.

He turned around and looked at her shocked. "Kh-Khushi..." He whispered, slowly moving towards her. "You... You are here..." He said softly touching her shoulder, as if making sure, she was really there.

"Yes, I woke up early and needed some fresh air, so was sitting by the poolside." She said looking at him calmly.

He looked as if he was recovering from a shock. "I... I th-thought you left me."

She looked at him worried. She had just walked up to the poolside and he thought that she left him. He was so insecure, it scared her. Hey Devi Maiya... How would she ever handle this? She remembered what Akash had told her.

"All you have to do is, just convince him that you are not going anywhere. Once his insecurities are uprooted from his mind, I'm sure he'll be fine."

She decided to give it a try. If she wanted to come out of this darkness, the only way was, take him out of it as well. It wouldn't do to have him jump and freak out every time she was not in front of him.

She gave him an innocent, confused look, "Left? So early? Arnav it's 6:30 in the morning. Why would I leave so early in the morning? The Studio doesn't open until 10:00."

Arnav looked at her trying to understand what she had said, "Studio?" He asked bewildered.

"Yes, Emerald Design Studio. That's where I work right? Where else would I go?" She asked trying to sound nonchalant. "You freshen up and go for your jog then I'll have my bath." She said and moved away to tidy up the room.

He kept looking at her for a minute and then moved away to the bathroom. He was thinking about what she just said. When he woke up and saw that she wasn't around, he had thought that after last night she must have left him. He had instantly panicked. But she thought it was something else it seemed. So easily she thought that he was talking about just going to work.

Did that mean that she wasn't going to leave him even after what he had told her last night? Was she really not even thinking about leaving him? It all sounded too good to be true and Arnav wasn't sure how he felt about it. But the thought that Khushi wasn't going to leave him was so comforting that he felt like a huge chunk of the heavy weight that was on his heart was taken off...

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Chapter 34: That Smile On Your Face

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shraddska2012-08-19 15:46:59