Chapter 38

So this is what it felt like.

To see the person you love engaged in a kiss with someone else. The whole scenario was Arnav's worst fears confirmed.

He saw Khushi's trembling hands reach up to splay out over NK's chest and that was it. Arnav could take no more. He shut his eyes and turned away from the window. He was overwhelmed by the myriad of emotions that mount up within him. Anger, hurt, pain, and regret...among other things he had no names for.

A small, nasty part of him, which surely hated him, sneered acidly. This is just one kiss...she's had the delightful chances to see you with a number of women...

The chasm in his heart widened painfully. It was bad enough having to see what he'd just and entirely another to realize that in the veil of his jealousy games, he had put her through this agonizing moment over and over again. Anger and remorse multiplied in enormous magnitude, leaving little room for hurt.

Fisting his hands by his side, he stalked away and out of the study and headed straight to his room. Without a second thought, he grabbed the urn from the coffee table and sent it flying at the wall. He watched, with an odd satisfaction, as the artifact splintered and then scattered to the floor.

"F***!!" He slammed his fist into the wall next to him, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through his hand and wrist.

He didn't know what he was more upset about. The fact that he would have to let her go again? The fact that he had to witness that kiss? The fact that he had just realized how much it hurt to watch the person you loved with someone else...or that she had witnessed this, experienced this pain countless times because of him?

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Khushi had frozen into stone the moment his lips had touched hers and the very next moment, her conscious screamed at her in protest. This was all wrong. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She needed to push him away...get some distance. But for the life of her, she couldn't move a muscle.

The shock of this whole kiss had paralyzed her senses, a dreadful numbness seeping through her. What was she going to tell Arnav?

As if his reminder had kick started her system again, she found her control over her muscles. Placing both of her trembling hands on his chest, Khushi pushed NK away as gently as she could as if that would cushion the blow.

His hands moved away from her face to her shoulders and Khushi was tempted to shove those off of her too. It was a friendly touch...nothing like the intimacy he had tried to evoke with the kiss but still...this innocent touch felt wrong. It made her feel like a traitor.

She looked up at him, not bothering to mask the shock she was currently feeling. He searched her face for a couple of seconds and then gave her shoulders a squeeze.

"Did you feel anything?" NK questioned gently, his eyes calculating her expressions, very aware of the fact that she had responded to his kiss in the slightest.

Khushi looked at him bemusedly, a slight tilt of her head accompanying her confusion. NK looked at her unwaveringly, grasping every expression of her face, finding clues in her body language.

"The kiss, Khushi...did you feel anything? Butterflies, fireworks...cloud nine...anything?" His eyebrows shot up higher on his forehead.

Khushi frowned slightly more confused than ever before. Was that a tinge of anxiety on his face?!

How was she supposed to respond to this question? Yes, NK...I felt like shocked and revolted...I wanted to push you away? She couldn't tell him any differently because that would be lying...and as far as they had concerned, she couldn't bring herself to lie to this man again.

"Did you?" She countered, side-stepping having to answer.

He bit his lip guiltily and hope flared within Khushi. Maybe they were on the same page, after all. His response confirmed it.

"Zilch." NK let go of her and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry Khushi! I...I didn't feel a thing!"

He turned away from her slightly, took a deep breath and began again. "I didn't feel anything the first time we kissed either...I was surprised, yes...but apart from that...there was nothing."

Khushi took a deep breath, trying to make sense of this conversation. What the hell had brought this on?! And just what the hell was going on?

"So being apart from me made you realize that there are no...um, fireworks?" Khushi raised an eyebrow.

NK cocked his head to the side thoughtfully but didn't answer her question right away. He utilized a few long seconds to organize his thoughts. "No...being away from you made me realize that I love you...I'm just not in love with you. Or rather...it made me realize that I'm in love with someone else."

Khushi's eyes widened in surprise. She frowned and replayed the sentence over and over in her mind, ensuring that she'd heard him correctly. "You...you what?"

NK nodded guiltily. "You heard it right...I'm in love with someone else."

"Who?" Khushi questioned before she could even stop herself.

NK took a deep breath to brace himself and spoke the word. "Lavanya."

For the moment, Khushi forgot everything else but the fact that NK was in love with Lavanya. Joy shot through her--not because now NK wouldn't be an issue in her path to Arnav--but because her friend, had found someone he was in love with! NK was in love with Lavanya!

And then another memory rushed to the forefront of her mind. She was instantly worried for her friend because Lavanya liked Arnav...

"NK...since when?!" Khushi questioned, desperately wishing that NK didn't have to deal with this heartbreak.

"I think it was at first sight...I just didn't know it then. I'm so sorry Khushi, I--" He clamped his mouth shut when Khushi made an impatient gesture with her hands.

"Stop apologizing!" She scolded simply because his apology made no sense to her. "Have you told her?"

"Yes." NK spoke gently, worrying about Khushi's reaction.

"And?" Khushi pressed, praying to her Devi Maiyya that NK wouldn't have to experience the pain of unrequited love. She knew what that felt like and she wouldn't wish it upon anyone...least of all NK.

NK sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Khushi...let me start from the beginning okay..? Do you remember the first time you kissed me? After the mehendi?"

Khushi nodded slowly. How could she forget? The guilt of having kissed Arnav had driven her to kiss NK. In her mind, in a twisted way, that was supposed to balance it out. How foolish...

"I...I'd kissed Lavanya that night." NK confessed. "I was attracted to her and I knew it was wrong. I was engaged to you and I shouldn't feel that way but...I don't know why it happened that night...we were just talking and out of nowhere...I felt so guilty. When you came to me that night, I wanted to tell you what had happened but then you kissed me and...and I thought if I kissed you back that would somehow even it out? I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

Khushi took deep calming breaths. He was saying everything she wanted to tell him. She was supposed to be confessing these things to him but instead, he was the one sharing his own secrets. She knew she had to let him know that she hadn't been loyal in the engagement either. She needed to alleviate his guilt...let him know that ultimately, they were two peas in the same pod.

"NK...I--" Khushi began but NK cut her off.

"No. Let me finish." NK hurried on, wanting to let everything out in the open before he cowered away. "After that night...Lavanya and I constantly struggled to keep distance but we always somehow ended up in compromising situations. So we decided to leave for a bit to see if this was just a fleeting attraction that would fade with time or something else..."

"What do you mean you decided to leave?" Khushi's brows knit together in confusion.

"Lavanya had those workshops she was attending...and I accompanied her there. We were together this entire week." NK went red in the face and averted his eyes from her. "I am so so so sorry Khushi...We found out about what happened here with Akash and Payal so we rushed back. I know this is the last thing you needed on your plate right now but I can't go on like this anymore. You're an amazing person and I truly do love you...you're my best friend...I may not have that spot in your life but that doesn't matter. You need to know that you're important to me...I don't want to lose you, Khushi. It kills me to know that I'm betraying your trust and I--"

"I've done the same." Khushi blurted, his kind words slashing through her guiltily, reminding her that she hadn't exactly been as great as he was making her out to be. "I've betrayed your trust too."

NK did a double take, replaying her statement in his mind. "What?"

"Damn it NK...I was going to tell you these exact same things!" Khushi didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this ridiculous situation. "I...I'm in love with someone else too."

An odd kind of relief washed over NK. He was relieved that Khushi wouldn't suffer another heartbreak. Though guilty for getting involved with Lavanya behind Khushi's back, it helped somewhat to know that Khushi would understand his reasons if she had done the same thing. The selfish part of him couldn't help but rejoice that he wouldn't have to spend his life berating himself for breaking this engagement with Khushi.

But the question remained who this someone was. NK had an inkling about this guy and he decided to voice it anyway. What's the worst that could happen if he was wrong? At most, they would just laugh it off. Besides, in the middle of this absurd conversation, his guess being wrong would be the most normal thing.

"Arnav?" He questioned coolly, a hint of humor in his eyes.

Khushi's eyes widened in surprise. She opened her mouth to say something but not being able to articulate any words, closed it again. She stared at NK blankly for four beats and then her brows knit together once more as she finally found the right question.

"How...?"

NK smiled. "If one pays attention...its fairly obvious. Well...the fact that he feels something for you is definitely pretty obvious. His reaction to our engagement was a loud explanation."

"But you didn't say anything to me about it..." Khushi twisted her fingers guiltily.

"You were oddly nonchalant about it all...I couldn't tell for sure whether it was just one sided on his part or if you felt the same way..." NK shrugged. "Does he know how you feel?"

Khushi nodded guiltily, offering NK an apologetic expression. She told him the story in a nutshell--from her and Arnav's confrontation about the last three years to Anjali and Payal's interference, to their short getaway to Akash calling off the engagement.

By the time she finished, there wasn't an ounce of pain or hurt on NK's face. There was no anger either but surprisingly enough; there was a sliver of pity and disappointment though his eyes were still guilty.

"Why are you looking at me like that, NK?" Khushi sighed.

NK shook his head. "You do realize there are other ways than emails to communicate, right?"

Khushi smiled sadly. "I know...but I think both Arnav and I had convinced ourselves that the other didn't want to keep the friendship going...neither of us could really move past the fact that the other didn't respond to the emails."

"I'm sorry that you two had to be at the receiving end of Anjali and Payal's interference but I can't say that you and Arnav aren't at fault." NK raised an eyebrow.

"Both of us know that we were as equally wrong...we've all made mistakes." Khushi sighed. "And for once NK...for once in my life everything seems to be working out."

"Except for one thing." An almost-smirk lifted NK's lips.

"What's that?"

"I need to apologize to you..." NK looked at her sheepishly.

"NK...no you don't..." Khushi shook her head, trying to make him understand.

"I do. I owe you an apology..." NK smiled gently. "Because you were still more loyal than I was in this relationship, Khushi." NK looked away. "You and Arnav confessed your feelings but that's it. Apart from that, you two kept a friendly rapport."

"So? That doesn't change the fact that I still played with your feelings! If Lavanya wasn't in the picture..." Khushi trailed off, not even able to bring herself to imagine how different this conversation would be in that scenario.

"Don't you see, Khushi?" NK chuckled sadly. "Even in solitude, you and Arnav kept friendly distance...Arvind Uncle and Aunty knew where you two were...that you would be together. Lavanya and I lied...we snuck away together...and...don't get me started on what happened while we were away."

Once again, Khushi burst into giggles despite the situation. "Oh, NK...trust me...I don't want to hear the details...that would be too much information."

"I know right?" NK chuckled and shook his head even as his cheeks burned slightly.

"Wow." Khushi reeled from the surprising conversation she had just shared with NK. Nothing that she had feared...nothing that she had expected.

NK tucked his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. "So where does that leave us?"

Khushi shrugged awkwardly, still disbelieving that this was happening. What if it was all a dream and she woke up to find that the dreadful conversation with NK was still pending? "I guess it's obvious, isn't it?"

NK nodded thoughtfully. "I'll talk to Aunty if you talk to my parents."

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Garima gaped at the two youngsters in front of her, unable to form a coherent sentence in her mind. She wasn't exactly unaware of the concept of a generation gap but this was beyond a simple gap. She truly worried for the kids of this era. From their mindsets to lifestyles, it was all risky and frankly frightening for a woman like Garima.

Raised in a conservative family and then having been arranged married into another conservative family, she didn't quite understand these new trends. She had tried to move on with the years, to keep up with the changing ways but when something didn't settle with her, it didn't settle with her. Simple as that.

She was a little guilty with the whole Arnav-Khushi situation behind NK's back but now to learn that NK had also fallen in love with someone else...? Sometimes she wondered whether the concept of love and the institution was merely a game of convenience for these kids. The selfish mother in her couldn't help but worry that her daughter might not be cut out for these twisted ways.

"Amma, say something..." Khushi pleaded.

"I don't know what to say, Khushi." Garima scowled. "Don't get me wrong NK...I worried for you when Khushi told me about Arnav but...I can't help wonder what would have happened if you two had realized this later in life?"

NK sighed. "I know Aunty...and I understand your hesitations too. But don't you think this is a win-win situation for everyone? Khushi and I have been lucky enough to realize early that the only kind of relationship we can share is friendship. We had convinced ourselves that we would be good life-partners...for the sake of our parents but we can't help who we fall in love with, right?"

"If you two have already decided...there's not much left for me to say." Garima smiled sadly. "But I do have to accept that I'm glad everything is out in the open now. I'm hoping these are all the twists and turns I'll have to witness with you kids. I think I've had my fair share in this life time."

"Then we have your permission to break the engagement?" NK questioned gently, not quite sure how to sugar coat those words.

"There is no point in forcing you two together when you have your hearts set elsewhere. As far as I'm concerned, I only want to see all of my kids happy...Not just Khushi...but you, Arnav and Lavanya included. I will leave it to you two to break the news to your parents..." Garima spoke sternly.

"That's my responsibility." Khushi spoke up at once. "I'll talk to them."

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