Chapter 36
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[MEMBERSONLY]
love_iqbal_khan 2014-12-25 21:07:46
Previous Chapter: (Comment replies on Page 110, 111, 112)
Chapter 29: Insight Into Her Heartbreak
Merry Christmas Everyone! Hope you like this one...Happy reading!
Arnav and Khushi sat at the dining table. He sat at the head of the table while she took the seat on his right. They nursed their bottles of beers for a few seconds before Arnav sat back in the chair, fixing her with an unwavering gaze.
"What happened after our fight?" He prompted, hoping that this would get the conversation rolling.
"It's a blur Arnav..." She confessed, placed her bottle on the table and began twirling the bracelet on her hand. "From what I remember...I had busied myself with packing. The night before I left, the others took me out for dinner...I had started texting you from that point on. I wanted to see you once before I left..."
Arnav took a long swig of his beer and looked at her with a pained expression. "I know...I saw the texts afterwards. My phone was dead..." He paused for a second. "I think if we had met before you left...things might have been different today..."
Khushi looked at him and smiled sadly. "I know."
Arnav shook his head dismissively. This wasn't time of ifs, ands, or buts... "Go on..."
Khushi took a deep breath and began again. "I got to Australia and for the first week, when I was looking for a place, life felt...odd. I had gone from being surrounded by my friends in a familiar place to being alone in a new country...it was very unsettling. The people I lived with for a week were Amma's distant relatives and they were very quiet and kept to themselves...so that didn't help. A couple days before Amma got there, I moved into the apartment that I'd managed to rent out...it was the same day I got the butterfly tattoo..."
Arnav couldn't help but picture a saddened Khushi wandering in a new city, looking for a place she could call home. His throat closed painfully at the image and he put the beer bottle on the table.
"Until Amma got there...I'd controlled myself somehow...but when I saw her at the airport...I just broke down. It was almost as if my system chose that particular moment to catch up with everything that had happened." Khushi's gaze clouded with the memory. "I think I scared her...I remember crying on the cab on our way home and then well into the night."
Arnav's heart lurched when her voice cracked on the last word. He reached out and covered her hand with his. She smiled at him tightly and covered his hand with her other, holding on as if he were her lifeline.
"I was so confused, Arnav...even after everything that had gone wrong...I still felt the same way about you. I missed you more than any of the others...everything reminded me of you. Pet shops, cafes, malls, alcohol, food...everything! I wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice one more time." She paused and lifted her gaze from their hands to look up at him. "I used to wonder how you'd reacted when you found out that I left. I would check my emails every few minutes to see if there was a reply from you." A tear escaped her eyes and before she could reach up to wipe it away, Arnav's thumb skimmed across her cheek, doing the job for her.
"How come you never ask for me when you called?" He questioned.
"Because at the time I thought you hadn't replied to my emails. I thought...I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore." She swallowed. "And you know me...too self righteous to be the first to reach out to someone who was apparently ignoring me..."
Arnav watched her thoughtfully and nodded slowly. "Then what?"
With a sniffle, she went on. "In those few days that followed, I hated you...for turning me into this messed up, emotional wreck that couldn't go a day without crying over you. I felt absolutely pathetic and weak and I hated you because I didn't like feeling that way. It continued through the remaining days. It was the longest time of my life and I was so excited when there was only a week left until the start of classes..."
Arnav looked as if he had swallowed something unpleasant and she squeezed his hands gently.
"That's when I got Anjali's email saying how Shanaya had lied about the pregnancy..." Khushi scowled as she stared unseeingly at the far wall. "That's when I felt guilty...because I realized that I'd failed you...I didn't even give you a chance to explain yourself...In hindsight...maybe if I'd confronted you sooner, we may have figured out her plans. After I found out the truth, I didn't hate you but I went into my denial mode...I tried to convince myself that I was over you...simply because it was easier than acknowledging my true feelings..."
Silence prevailed and stretched for a few minutes and even as he absorbed her words, he wondered whether she would say anything more. When she shifted a little in her seat, he knew she would go on.
"I was on my way home from campus after my first day of classes when I noticed the tattoo parlor across the street. Every tattoo parlor reminded me of you." Khushi smiled wistfully. "I stood there like an idiot on the busy street, hugging the anchor tattoo on my hand to myself, looking at the small shop and giving myself a pep-talk. I made the decision there...on that sidewalk. I wasn't going to cry over you anymore...I was going to remember you as my best friend and forget all the other crap that had happened. Before it all got messed up, you were my primary source of strength and courage after Bauji passed away...your words from long ago drifted back into my mind."
He glanced at her and found her smiling gently. Before she spoke them, he knew what words she was talking about"the same words that were now tattooed across her ribs.
"Alis volat propriis..." she whispered. "You always told me that I was born to be independent...She flies with her own wings...and I decided to do just that. The emotional baggage that I'd brought with me was weighing me down and I needed to get rid of it...I didn't want my happiness to depend on anyone else...I truly did want to fly on my own. So I got the tattoo as a reminder of your words...as a reminder of you..."
Arnav swallowed to clear his throat, a tsunamic wave of love and some other emotion he couldn't place running thick in his veins.
She winced gently and went on. "I was only kidding myself, of course. You know how kids think that when you close your eyes, you can't see the world but they don't realize that that doesn't mean the world can't see you. Similarly, just because I'd turned my back on my feelings and made myself believe that I was over you...it didn't mean that I actually was. I didn't see anything different about me but Amma often pointed out how much I'd changed. I couldn't see her point, so I brushed her comments aside..."
"And that's where NK comes in." His voice was small as he spoke.
Khushi smiled fondly. "Yeah. I ran into him on the street and I recognized him from some of our classes and labs. He was pinning up flyers of a charity dance show. Needless to say, I went because it was for a good cause. It was a long show and it was the first time since moving to Australia that I was genuinely interested in something. In a time where I didn't even want to make jalebis, dancing was something that caught my attention and I was thrilled. All those dancers on the stage seemed so happy...so content...so...free. I wanted that..."
She took a deep breath and pulled herself back into the present. "I inquired NK about it and he told me about the dance classes that he went to...I watched a few of them and then on an impulse, I signed up for one of the classes and the rest, as they say, is history."
She looked at him smiled her gorgeous heart-warming smile, making his heart leap a beat. "Dancing was almost like meditation for me, in fact, it still is. It allows me to focus on a certain feelings and emotions, making it easier to push everything else to the back of my mind. I signed up for more classes and then I fell in love with it. I felt liberated when I was dancing and slowly, I began laughing and enjoying life again. I was able to sit and watch your interviews and read articles about your success without bursting into tears." She looked at him and grinned sheepishly. "I even bought a lot of your anchor-trademarked outfits..."
Arnav smiled, lifted her hands and kissed her knuckles gently. She waited until he had put their stacked hands back on the table again before going on.
"Although different...I was gathered, seemingly happy...and Amma was over the moon." Her expression slipped a little and Arnav instinctively knew that she was going to launch into the engagement story.
"Amma thought that the changes were because of NK. She wasn't entirely wrong. NK was the only friend I had for those years...he was funny and caring and accepted me without judgment like a true friend does. We took up teaching a zouk class and our comfort level just grew. When you dance with someone, you built a feeling of trust...you get to know them on a level that's not inexplicable. I guess that's what people refer to as chemistry. People often asked whether we were together because of our on-stage chemistry...I had no idea that we came across that way."
"You do." Arnav confessed. "I can attest to that. I watched your performance...I've never envied anyone as much as I envied him that day. I could see how much you trusted him with all those lifts...I could see the small glances and smiles you shared when a difficult step was done right...is that how the engagement happened? Because people pointed out the chemistry?"
Khushi shook her head. "No...Amma and his parents proposed it. His parents and Amma knew each other of course and they made the decision. Then they had the talk with us. It was dreadful. Both NK and I were taken aback...I was livid. I was so angry with Amma...It was pure emotional blackmail." Khushi frowned and pain flitted across her face momentarily. "She hadn't been keeping well those days and she was on a rant about how this was her last wish. NK knew I was torn and he suggested that we go ahead with it." She shook her head in exasperation.
"His parents were on his case to get married...Amma was on mine...and everything he said made sense. We were friends, we understood each other, he didn't know what my story was but he had an idea...if he suspected anything between me and my best friend whom he had heard a bit about, he never asked me anything about it. I used to feel lighter when I spent time with him. The comfort level I share with him is the same as what I share with Akash and Rohan. A girl could get used to that all her life. And I agreed." She shrugged.
She sat there quietly for a long minute and Arnav gave her the time to collect her thoughts. When she went on, her voice was small, almost guilty. "I suspect that it had to do something with the fact that I was supposed to attend Anjali's wedding, which meant that I would see you again. My theory was that if I was engaged, it would be easier to keep denying my feelings for you."
She lifted her guilty eyes to look at his pained ones. "Clearly, that didn't work. When I saw you again...it felt like that void in my life had been filled again. And believe me, I denied my heart then too...but it was useless. I was suddenly caught up in the storm of feelings that I'd ignored for so long. By the next morning, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. All it took was seeing you in front of me, talking to you, that hug...that dance...the walls I'd built around my heart crumpled like a castle of cards..."
"And now we're here..." Arnav whispered huskily, his voice choked with emotions. "And I know that you're still holding back."
Khushi's eyes widened in surprise. How did he know?
Arnav's lips lifted in a very small smirk. "I may have been away for three years but I still know you to an extent...I know that you're hesitating because you haven't spoken to NK. And that's okay. For now, consider this as you being trapped in a farmhouse with your best friend..."
Khushi gave him a hesitant smile and the two sat for a few long minutes, hand in hand. Khushi gathered her scattered thoughts and cleared her mind while Arnav processed all the information she had provided. He was surprised that she still felt the same way for him after all these years but after hearing what she had gone through and how NK had brought her back...he was more surprised than ever that she had chosen him over NK.
For the first time, Arnav felt nothing but pure gratitude towards NK. The gratitude also came with a tinge of guilt because of what was happening behind that man's back. If NK takes the news well, Arnav was certain that they could be good friends afterwards. He hoped that once NK found out the truth, he would still remain in Khushi's life as a friend. He would forever be guilty if Khushi lost a dear friend because of him.
When Arnav looked at her after what felt like an eternity, she was watching him nervously, her eyes tinged with guilt. The expression seemed all wrong and Arnav subconsciously braced himself.
"What is it?" He urged, his thumb stroking across her knuckles encouragingly.
"I...Er...Do you remember that day when you'd cornered me after the Mehendi?" Khushi bit her lip.
Of course Arnav remembered. It was when he had confessed to her that he loved her. It was when they had kissed for the first time. That day was clearly etched in his memory. Where is she going with this?
Arnav nodded at her cautiously. She averted her gaze from his and focused on their hands for a second. She raised her eyes to his again, the emotions raw in the depths.
"After our...er...encounter...I...I kissed NK." She confessed guiltily, watching him wearily.
His impassive expression betrayed nothing. Inside, his blood was roaring with jealousy. Would that sentiment ever go? He took a couple of deep calming breaths. It's in the past. It's in the past. He repeated the mantra over and over in his head and finally sighed.
"Why are you telling me?" Arnav took a deep breath. "I mean...why now?"
"I don't know..." she murmured bemusedly. "It didn't feel right to keep it from you."
He was quiet for a long minute and Khushi searched his face for any hints but his poker face was in place, giving away nothing. He held her gaze determinedly. "Are you expecting me to respond?"
"Maybe." She muttered quietly. "Don't you want to know why I did it?"
It was an act done out of guilt. She had kissed NK because somehow, by some twisted logic in her mind, it would make up for the fact that she had kissed Arnav.
"It doesn't matter, Khushi." Arnav shrugged. "You must've had your reasons. By any means, that doesn't change the fact that I don't like hearing it. At the end of the day, I'm a man, Khush...and a possessive one at that. The thought of you and him is...it's a horrible feeling. But the fact remains that I, of all people, can't say anything to you about it...not when you've had to endure the same situations with my exes."
Khushi couldn't help but scoff lightly. "Fair point well made, I guess."
"I'm sorry that you had to see all that..." Arnav murmured, his turn to feel guilty.
Khushi simply shrugged seeming nonchalant but otherwise provided no response in words. He watched her for a couple of seconds and when she provided no more gestures, he decided to move on from the topic.
"Tell me what a day is like in Dr. Khushi Gupta's shoes." Arnav mentally pat his back when her eyes lit up with excitement.
She launched into a detailed review of the hospital where she will be doing her residency in general surgery. He listened intently as she opened up about her plans of completing a fellowship in Cardiac Surgery. Her eyes glittered with excitement as she discussed her career plans and for the first time, Arnav realized just how passionate she was towards her occupation. He continued to listen, offering words when necessary while avoiding the big rock that had settled on his heart: A fellowship after her residency will keep her in Australia for a total of three years. Three years...why is it always that wretched number?
_____
For the first time since they had come to the farmhouse, Khushi felt as if everything had travelled back in time as they sat together and chatted about anything and everything. From sports statistics to the global issues. From Movies to politics. For the remainder of the day yesterday, after their conversation, they were just two best friends catching up after a long time. An argument about consistency in a movie series had eventually led them to another movie marathon"halfway through which, both had fallen asleep on the couch.
When she woke up close to noon the next day, she was on the bed and she immediately drew the conclusion that he must've carried her in. They'd had breakfast in companionable silence this morning as Arnav worked away to clear the rest of his day for Khushi while she continued to shoot angry birds on her phone.
Despite his best attempts to finish all his work so that he didn't get bothered, Arnav had been interrupted just after their late lunch with a call from Aman regarding some issue that required his attention. Apologetically, he had excused himself and walked into his bedroom while Khushi had volunteered to clean the kitchen so that she had something to do.
As she cleaned, she couldn't help but note how much lighter she felt after having shared all of that with Arnav yesterday. She felt liberated. There was nothing that she was worried about him finding out because he now knew everything. So this is what it feels like to have everything voiced out with nothing kept secret. Why they hadn't always done this would forever remain a mystery to her. Despite that, she knew they would get through just fine.
She was in a good mood"in a better mood than she had been in for a few days now. She was smiling to herself as she listened and related to the various songs that played in the background on the portable iPod docking station. Just as she turned the tap off over the sink, Adele began crooning lovesong' to the soft melody.
Absentmindedly, she picked up a plate and began drying it with the dishcloth, a small smile playing on her lips as the words of the song penetrated through her heart. She was gracefully oblivious of Arnav, who stood on the other side of the island counter, watching her with his elbows resting on the counter as she worked in a daze.
The corners of his mouth lifted in a smile when she began swaying softly in time to the music. Inspired by a fleeting idea, Arnav stalked around the counter with a predator's footsteps, graceful and quiet. He reached her just as she placed another recently dried plate on the counter. Before her vacated hand could reach for another utensil, he snaked his arms around her waist, startling her.
She squeaked and whirled around to face him and relaxed instantly seeing the teasing smile on his face. Keeping one arm intact around her waist, he reached up with the other, pulled the dishcloth out of her hand and carelessly tossed it onto the counter behind her.
She raised her eyebrows at him in confusion. Smirking in response, he took one of her hands and placed it on his shoulder and then took hold of her free hand. Being a trained dancer, Khushi adjusted her stance to make it more correct and Arnav rolled his eyes in response.
"I'm no professional at this..." He muttered almost apologetically and then gently led her into a slow-dance rhythm.
Khushi giggled and joined in leaving traces of her experience in artful sways of her body. Together, gazing into the depths of each other's eyes, held possessively in each other's arms, they completed a full circle around the kitchen counter before he led her to the open space by the dining table as the song neared its end.
Cherishing the moment and the fact that she was here with him, like this, he snuggled her a bit closer. Smiling gently, she wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her head on his shoulder, her mind reeling in the memories of their prom dance...and then the dance at Anjali's cocktail party.
Another soft, slow song flowed from the speakers and the two continued to move in unison, in silence. Khushi listened to her personal remixed version of the song as Arnav's heart thumped against her ear, mixing seamlessly with the melody blaring from the stereo.
Even when the song finished and got replaced by an upbeat dance number, the two of them continued their rhythm, uncaring of the fact that it didn't match the music playing. The fact was, they were no longer moving to the music.
Khushi was moving to the sound of his heart while he moved to match her steps. As she moved slowly with her eyes closed, she could have sworn that she could fall into peaceful slumber right there, standing up!
It had been an eternity since this kind of peace had engulfed her. Granted, there were still a few wrinkles that needed to be ironed out but for now, she was too focused on the perfectly smooth part of the fabric.
"Khush?" He stopped moving but didn't try to break out of the embrace.
"Hmm?"
"Are you okay?"
"Hmm."
"You're really quiet." He noted softly.
"Hmm."
"Are you even listening to what I'm saying?" He smiled to himself.
"Hmm."
"Yeah? I think we should move to Hawaii and live in a straw hut."
"Hmm."
"And maybe then we'll save the world when a volcano erupts...wearing coconut shells and palm leaves for clothes?"
"Hmm."
His laughter finally broke her out of her reverie. He still held onto her waist as he laughed some more while she looked on bemusedly.
"What's so funny, Arnav?"
"You agree to go live with me in Hawaii...in a straw hut...and to accompany me in saving this world when a volcano erupts while being dressed in coconut shells and palm leaves." Arnav repeated with a teasing smirk on his face.
"No I didn't!" Khushi frowned and looked at him closely. As the wheels finally kicked into gear in her mind, realization dawned upon her. "I don't think I heard you..."
"No, you definitely didn't..." Arnav chuckled and shook his head before his expression became serious. "Something bothering you?"
"No...why do you ask that?" She raised an eyebrow.
Arnav shrugged. "Just making sure."
Smiling, Khushi reached up and brushed away a couple of hair strands that had fallen onto his forehead. "You can bet your entire business, Raizada, that if something were bothering me...I'd tell you."
"I'll hold you to that." Arnav fixed her with a look that told her that he truly meant that.
"Please do...and I expect the same from you." Khushi rolled her eyes. "I'll be damned if we let lack of communication come between us again."
Arnav was about to respond when the phone rang shrilly. Arnav frowned and looked at the phone mounted on the wall a few steps from them. Only one person could be calling this number...
With one arm still around her, he leaned across and answered the phone on speaker, wondering why Arvind was calling.
"Hi dad..." Arnav yelled over the music and reluctantly let go of Khushi when she wiggled in his arms.
Khushi rushed to the iPod docking station and hit the pause button.
"Arnav...I'm sorry for intruding. I know you two wanted some alone time but I need both of you to come home. Right now." The stress in Arvind's voice could not be missed.
Khushi frowned and began walking back to Arnav as they exchanged a confused glance.
"What happened dad?" Arnav demanded.
Arvind sighed heavily. "Akash called off the engagement."
Khushi froze in mid-step and Arnav's head whipped in the phone's direction.
"He what?!" Arnav couldn't help the exasperation from seeping into his tone.
"Yeah, you heard me right...he called off the f**king engagement!" Arvind groaned in frustration and Khushi cringed at the profanity. "I need you and Khushi to come back and talk some sense into him. So far only Anjali, Rohan, Payal and I know..."
"How's Payal?" Khushi asked, rushing up to stand next to Arnav, feeling a pang of hurt for her cousin. Arnav's arm automatically wound around her shoulders in a supporting gesture.
"She's...well...in shock." Arvind sounded apologetic. "You two might be able to help..."
"We're on our way dad." Arnav disconnected the call and together the two of them rushed to prepare to leave.
After hastily packing their bags and having Hari Prakash place the Snake's tank in the car trunk, they headed out of the farmhouse without a backward glance. In the moment, all their previous tiffs with their friends were forgotten and all that mattered was getting to them. When things had gone wrong between them, everyone were scattered but they wouldn't let the same thing happen to Akash and Payal.
As they rushed out the door, Khushi broke out into a string of curse words.
"What?" Arnav questions as he held the door open for her.
"My phone's dead! Just f**king perfect!" She plopped down on the seat and pulled on the seatbelt as if trying to punish it.
"Don't call right now..." Arnav spoke as he slid into his seat, starting the ignition and putting on the seatbelt at the same time. "We'll talk to him in person."
Nodding, Khushi put the phone in the coffee cup holder behind the handbrake, and stared out the window, praying to her Devi maiyya for peace in everyone's life.
She felt sadness, guilt, and anger.
Sad because when one thing went right, another went wrong. Would it always continue that way? Why was it so difficult to find the good camaraderie and happy moments they all shared years ago?
Guilt because she knew, deep down, that Akash's decision to call off the engagement had something to do with the truth that had come forth about the emails. In her attempt to find normalcy with the man she loves, she hadn't considered what might happen behind her once they left for the farmhouse. Did that make her any different than Payal and Anjali?
But more than that, she felt angry. At Akash. How dare he take such a stupid decision? Calling off the engagement over something that doesn't even directly affect his relationship with Payal?! How ridiculous?!
Even as he drove at a dangerous speed, Arnav reached over and took a hold of her hand, sensing her worries. "It will work out, Khushi."
Khushi glanced at him briefly, sighed, and turned back to look out of the window. "I sure as hell hope so, Arnav."
They drove in silence save the background music provided by the random radio station. Arnav didn't let go of her hand for the remainder of the drive, nor did she try to take it back. Both their minds worked to figure out how to fix this. A couple times, Khushi overheard Arnav muttering 'f**king idiot' under his breath, no doubt directed at Akash. The only words Arnav spoke to her were we're almost home' when they were a few minutes away from Raizada Mansion.
By the time Arnav pulled into the driveway, it was already late evening and the stars were slowly appearing on the dark canvas above. Khushi opened her door without waiting for him and as he walked around the car to fall in step with her, he noticed Payal and Rohan's cars in the parking space, and the fact that Manohar Uncle's car wasn't there. For a brief moment he wondered where they were but brushed the question aside as they both walked into the eerily quiet living room.
Anjali and Rohan sat on the couch, looking tired and worried while Arvind sat on the sofa chair, rubbing his forehead. He spotted Arnav and Khushi first.
"Arnav..." Arvind stood from the couch. Anjali and Rohan's heads whipped around to look at him, the frowns deepening as they saw Khushi walking next to him.
Arvind walked to Arnav and patted his shoulder in a greeting and then caressed Khushi's hair with a small smile.
"Where is he?" Arnav questioned, letting his annoyance drip into his tone generously.
"In his room." Arvind's shoulders slumped a little. "We've all tried talking to him..."
"We'll talk to him." Khushi reassured determinedly.
When Arvind nodded in approval, Arnav and Khushi both made their way towards the staircase. While Arnav rushed ahead, Khushi finally glanced at the couch where she had spotted Anjali and Rohan from the corner of her eyes. Only now when she looked closely did she realize that Payal was sitting in between them.
Her eyes were red and puffy, no doubt from crying. Fresh tears rushed into her eyes as she watched Khushi's impassive gaze. Khushi felt her gut clench. Payal's state was very familiar...too familiar to Khushi. She knew what it was like to be in this situation...she'd been there before. Rohan's gaze was expectant while Anjali's was pained and apologetic.
Keeping her expression impassive, giving nothing away, Khushi turned away and followed Arnav up the stairs with a resolve: Time to get everything back in order in all our lives.
I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! Khushi's hesitance and the reason for it is briefly explained here...and after reading her bond with NK, hopefully it gels with most of you.😳 I wanted to leave a mean precap of the next chapter but decided against it...considering this my x-mas present to you all!
Love,
Katie <3
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