Chapter 49

By the time she had entered his room, her throat was aching so much she felt dizzy. She gulped her tears down, breathing convulsively while her eyes searched for him. And she found him in the little living room, perched on the low coffee table, with his back to her. Pavitra had pulled the heavy curtains open and he appeared to be staring out of it. He didn't move at all but for the subtle rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathed. She settled her eyes on him, forcing herself to calm down and then resumed walking until she stood next to him.

She sucked in a gasp when he looked up at her, his eyes wide with surprise, as if he had expected to remain alone. He looked so vulnerable. She had never seen him like that. She hated herself for doing that to him.

"Khushi?" he sounded almost scared as the whisper left his lips. Blinking her stubborn tears away, she lowered herself next to him.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, but it backfired on her. She realised with a wince that it sounded more like an insult. Sorry' is for when you break someone's favourite vase, not their heart.

He frowned at her. "For what?"

"Everything..."

He shifted slightly, looking away. "You have every right to be angry at me..."

"No-"

"Khushi..." his hand twitched, she noticed, as though he was going to touch her but then decided against it. "The way I had treated you was not right. I gave my work more importance, I gave... Varsha more importance... I didn't want to see that you were right until you weren't there and then... I... I ignored you again... and now, I'm hurting you again..."

"I hurt you too! And I know you didn't ignore me..." she whispered hoarsely. "Why didn't you tell me, Arnav?"

He sighed, looked at her and gently placed his hand on hers. "It doesn't matter, Khushi. I know Ma thinks I'm... I'm going back there... but I am fine. I needed some time to think. Khushi, I love you... Even when you are not there, it keeps growing. But that doesn't mean you should love me back... It's okay if you hate me. I won't hurt you or trouble you anymore, I won't expect you to take me back. What I did remains horrible and you don't have to forgive me. I will leave from here today itself and give you your space..."

Her lips parted with a soft gasp. It was not at all what she had expected. The hammering in her chest only increased as she fixed his defeated expression, while he stared at the ground. She felt his skin slide over hers only slightly and she immediately realised he was going to pull away. Without thinking, she turned her hand to catch his tight and he looked at her, frowning and startled. Khushi blinked, no knowing at all what to do next. His eyes held a question and her heart was screaming its answer but she could not find a way to formulate it in words.

An exasperated sob left her lips. She squeezed her eyes shut for a second to rid herself of the troublesome tears that blurred her vision. "How can you do this to me?" she choked, finally. He opened his mouth but she vehemently shook her head to stop him. "Again, Arnav? Will you just shut me out again?"

***

"What do you mean?" he asked, leaning closer to her. He hated to see her cry more than anything else and somehow, he never knew what to do to stop it. Somehow, he was always the reason behind her pain and her tears. He tried to lift his free hand from his lap, wanting to cradle her face and dry her tears but he knew he had himself lost that right.

Her grip on his hand tightened, almost cutting the flow of blood. But she didn't care. He didn't think he cared either. "What if it's not what I want?"

His heart was pounding, lurching, somersaulting, all at once. He felt nauseous. He didn't know what to think anymore. "Then, what do you want, Khushi?" he whispered and a whisper was all he could manage for the ache that was building up in his chest. It felt like someone had shot him in the heart. He was going cold all over.

Her mouth twisted as she closed her eyes again. "What I want is you, Arnav! I was so angry at you because I thought you had forgotten all about me. I thought that this one year had been easier for you because you really never tried to contact me and ignored me. And all this time you... I am even angrier right now because you didn't tell me but... Can't we just ignore it, forget about it? Can't we just go back to how we were?"

***

Arnav's frown deepened. He stared at her, awe-struck. Minutes ticked by and she waited for one sign from him. Eventually, he smiled at her. But it was nothing she had expected. It was a sad smile that broke whatever remained of her heart and at once, she knew he was not going to agree with her.

"What if that's not what I want, Khushi?"

Her heart sank. She felt dizzy suddenly, as though someone had cut off her air supply. She needed to get out. Everything was lost for her. With the sound of a wounded animal, she tore her hand off of his, scrambled to her feet and started to make her way out. But the room swam before her and she had to support herself against the furniture.

She had barely walked a couple of steps when he caught her by the waist and, turning her around gently, steadied her. Weak, she folded her arms between their bodies and pushed, hoping to free herself. "Please, just let go..."

"Will you always keep misunderstanding my words, you crazy woman?" she heard him hiss viciously. Her head snapped up involuntarily to catch the anger and irritation in his dark eyes. "You never listen to what I mean, you just hear the words and then you leave me and I... Khushi, why are you so stupid sometimes?"

"But you said-"

"Yes! I said I don't what to go back to what we were! I don't want it, dammit! Do you? I don't want to be in a crappy relationship with you, where I don't have time for you and give you the impression I don't care about you. I don't want you to be my last priority, I don't want to sacrifice you and time with you for something completely stupid. And above all, I don't want you to be my girlfriend. I don't want any of that! I am sick of it! It ruined us!"

Her head fell to the side and she slumped against him, as if she were physically exhausted. He tightened his arms around her protectively. "Then?" she gulped.

"I want us in a relationship where we mutually respect each other and take time for each other. We won't ever ignore or distrust each other. We won't hide anything from each other. You will be my first priority. You and any of the children we might have. You will come before anything and anyone else. You will be my only real family, you will be everything to me. I will never do anything without tell you about it and if you have doubts about it, I won't go ahead with it unless they are cleared. And this girlfriend-boyfriend thing just doesn't work for me. It sucks. And it's not something you deserve either. We'll have to do better than that."

Her breaths uneven, she swallowed another wave of tears. "What do you suggest?" she tried to say, but her throat was hurting so much the words came out without a sound. He understood her, however, and smiled, hopefully this time.

"I was thinking about marriage, you know... You could... you could be my wife... Maybe? If you wanted?"

The hope on his face went to shock and confusion very quickly when her face crumpled into relentless tears, making her hide her face in his chest to cry. And she cried quite loudly, without even trying to make it more aesthetic. He desperately tried to pull her face away so he could see her, try to calm her down but with no result.

"Khushi... Look, I'm sorry... If you don't want to marry me, it's fine... just... just stop crying... Khushi..."

She lifted her head and opened her mouth, trying to say something but it was too difficult. So, she merely nodded and he grimaced in confusion. A giggle burst through her tears and she stopped crying to sniff and wipe her face, accepting a paper napkin when he grabbed one from nearby and offered it to her.

Smiling, she shook her head, her eyes riveted on the carpet. "It's just... just that I... I have been wai-waiting f-for so... so long t-to hear th-that from y-you..." Another ugly sob rose while he processed her words.

Guilt hit him square in the heart as he realised what she meant. It must have been hard for her all along and he had not even bothered to think about it once. He hugged her, burying his face in the crook of her neck and holding her tighter against him. "I'm sorry..." he begged shakily. "I am so sorry, Khushi... I have been such a blind idiot."

She tilted her head closer to his silently, her sobs starting to recede as she swayed in his embrace. And as soon as she was calmer, he sprung away from her. His eyes were wide and bright as he grinned delightfully. "Wait for me, I'll be right back, okay? You wait for me right here. I'll just... There's something I need to do."

He disappeared through a door before she could react and reappeared seconds later, looking completely disoriented because of his happiness. He strode to her almost impatiently and lifted his hand from his side. Her mouth fell open.

"When did you-?"

"I don't remember... Perhaps about a month before you left, or was it more? I can't say... I just... I don't remember..." he explained excitedly. "I had been thinking about it, you know? Since then. We had just secured a deal with an important client and I was heading back to the office but then I saw this jewellery shop and I remembered I had really been ignoring you too much so I thought I could buy you a present or something and this ring was on display and I saw it the moment I went in and... I just didn't want anything else. It was like the first time I saw you, Khushi... I... I knew this was something you would love because it's so much like you... Simple, very simple... and yet so unique and so beautiful... I bought it. I just took it. I didn't think, I went and bought it. But then I started thinking about giving it to you... It's an engagement ring, so it brought all the nerves. I didn't know if I could do it... if I should do it... I was confused so I just hid it and then you left and... and I realised I should have done it ages ago... I always kept it with me, I was hoping you-"

"Stop talking!" she giggled, eliminating the fresh tears with the heels of her hands. "At this rate you will break my record!"

"Sorry," he laughed nervously. "Should I get down on one knee?"

She bit her lip and shook her head. "Just put it on, Mr Raizada."

He raised an eyebrow. "Sure, Miss Gupta?" She nodded as she gave him her hand eagerly, only to pull away abruptly. He stared at her, alarmed.

"Wait! There's something..." A frown appeared on her face as her voice faded away, but only for a moment because she was looking at him decisively, next. "We cannot not hide anything from each other."

"What?"

"Yes! See, if I'm planning your birthday, obviously I cannot tell you about it, right? And if there's something that could potentially hurt you, I cannot tell you that either, until I've done something about it or until I'm sure that you will be fine with it. And I think it's not so different with you..."

He chuckled. "You are right... Okay, we will not hide anything from each other unless it's absolutely necessary as in the cases you mentioned. Happy?"

"Happy!" she gave him her hand back.

[The ring]