Chapter 67

CHAPTER 67

THE CALM BEFORE

"Chachu!"

Karan barely had time to brace himself before a small mass hit his legs, hugging him tightly. He smiled, hauling his niece up in his arms. "Hi, Baby", he said, kissing her cheek as he carried her inside.

"Karan?" Barkha said, walking out of the kitchen. "Kahan the tum? Kab se wait kar rahi hoon main tumhaara. Mujhe laga tum Param ke saath hi aaoge."

"Haan, woh... thoda kaam aa gaya tha", he dismissed.

"Haan, haan", Param said, narrowing his eyes. "Pata hai kaisa kaam tha. Monami ke saath tha, na?"

He rolled his eyes, setting Baby down. "Maybe", he admitted. "Par... only because she was upset. Uska kal psychological evaluation hai and she was worried. Main bas uska mood theek karne ki koshish kar raha tha."

"Monami?" Baby piped up. "Yeh kaun hai? Aapki girlfriend hai? Aap unko pasand karte ho?" Her eyes lit up. "Meri Chachi banegi? Mujhe bhi milna hai Chachi se."

Karan shook his head. "Aap toh, Baby, apne Faizi Chachu se bhi aage pahunch gaye ho. Chachi nahi hai, Didi hai", he corrected. "Meri dost hai bas. Aur aap apna dimaag inn baaton mein mat chalao. Thoda sa hi hai. Homework mein chalao." She opened her mouth, huffing when he narrowed his eyes in warning. He looked up at his brother and Bhabhi. "Aur bas. Ab Monami ke baare mein koi baat nahi. Main yahan relax karne aaya hoon."

Barkha shook her head. "Achha, theek hai", she said. "Chalo. Haath dho lo. Khaana lagaa deti hoon. Tumhaara manpasand khaana banaaya hai maine." He smiled. His Bhabhi's food and then sleep. Sounded perfect.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Koel chuckled, watching him happily eat the cake. He swallowed the last bite, looking at her. "Chahiye?" She asked, chuckling again and extending her own plate.

He shook his head. "Tum khao", he said. He eyed her. "Tum... bore ho gayi, na? Weapons exhibition mein?"

She looked at him. "It was... different than I had expected", she admitted. It was a lot more like a museum, if she was being honest. The 'cool' weapons were lethally dangerous, and his 'explaining' was a classroom lecture. There were some people who apparently were high level and he was well behaved, almost like an agent. All in all, the exhibition was far from romantic. But she didn't hate it. His excitement and happiness was worth it and she did get to learn some things.

He sighed. "Sorry", he said. "Hume tumhe lekar nahi aana chahiye tha. Isse achha tum cadets ke saath hi reh leti. Humne tumhaara Sunday bhi barbaad kar diya."

She smiled. "Tumhaare saath hoon toh Sunday kaise barbaad ho sakta hai?" She clutched his hand. "Waise bhi, abhi toh 2 hi baje hain. Bahut time hai. Kuchh aur karte hain."

He gently lifted her hand to his mouth, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. "Bataiye, mahutarma. Kahan jaana hai aapko?"

She hummed in thought. "Well, ab hum Naasik mein hain hi toh thoda yahan hi ghoom lete hain. 3-4 ghante ghoomte hain aur phir waapas Deolali chale jaayenge." She bit her lip, searching some places. Her eyes lit up. "Yahan waterfall hai, bahut mandir hai, dam hai, caves hain."

He smiled. "Naasik ke toh Ramayana se bahut links hai, na?" He asked. She nodded. "Decide kar lo kahan jaana hai."

"Tumhaari koi preference?"

"Hum almost sab hi jagah gaye hue hain", he admitted. "Toh tumhe jahan bhi jaana hai, hume koi dikkat nahi hai."

"Waterfall?" She asked hopefully. He nodded, smiling. A grin spread over her face.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Taiyaar?" Sanju repeated. "Taiyaar hono padego?"

Monami sighed. "Ma'am... d-date hai", she explained patiently. "Taiyaar h-hona ch-chahiye. Plus 5 s-star r-restaurant mein hai. U-Underdressed hoge toh aa-aapko achha n-nahi l-lagega."

"Hum koi ajeeb se kapde nahi pehnenge", she warned.

"S-Suit hi p-pehen lo?" She offered. "Par achha sa, aur th-thoda bahut d-dress up h-ho jaana. That's e-enough."

She sighed, sitting down on the bed. "Yeh kaa hogo? Taiyaar hona zaroori hogo kaa?"

"Nahi. S-Sid will l-love spending t-time with y-you a-agar aap n-night suit mein bhi ch-chale gaye toh. Aa-Aapka sach m-mein b-bilkul mann n-nahi toh koi b-baat nahi. It's just... d-dates, e-especially first d-dates special h-hoti hain", she explained. "Aa-Aap taiyaar h-hoge, effort d-daaloge, toh a-achha l-lagega. Aapko bhi aur S-Sid ko bh-bhi."

She nodded, sighing. "Madad karegi?" Monami smiled, nodding.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Sanju glanced around nervously, inspecting the fancy things. It wasn't her first time in a fancy restaurant but even that wasn't as fancy as this. And it was for a mission so she didn't really pause to take in the décor. It was so extravagant.

Sid smiled at her, pulling back her chair for her. He sat down opposite her, sitting down. She looked up when a waiter came, handing them a menu card each. "5 minutes", Sid requested and he nodded, walking off. He looked at her. "Kya chahiye tumhe?"

She awkwardly flipped through, looking up. "Hume naa pato", she admitted sourly. Why were the names so weird?

"Do you want me to order?"

She shrugged, nodding. She sipped the water, trying to understand what he was ordering. She scrunched up her nose. So complicated. Street food already had a point.

It was a little awkward, too... controlled. Everyone talked quietly, everyone ate with forks and knives. How... restraining. "You don't like this, na?" Sid asked midway through their dinner.

"Aisa naa hai", she said, eating a spoonful of her pasta. The service was fairly fast, at least. "Khaana achha hogo. Tu hogo. Itna bura bhi naa hai." She glanced around.

"But?"

She glanced around again, before glancing back at him. He had really wanted to come here. It wasn't that bad. She smiled. "Achha hogo. Bas."

He smiled. He reached over, gently clutching her hand and intertwining their fingers. "Next date... street food ki kar lenge, okay? Tumhe woh hi zyaada pasand hai, na?" She smiled, nodding slightly. "But..." He grinned. "Khaana kiska better hai? I know you don't like the ambience, but khaana? Isn't this better than your gol gappe?"

She scoffed in disbelief. "Gol gappe ke aas paas bhi naa hai", she said.

He shook his head. "Tumhaara taste hi kharaab hai. Kaisi pasand hai?"

"Tu humaari pasand hogo", she pointed out.

He paused. "Khaane mein pasand kharaab hai, ladkon mein achhi hai", he rectified.

"Naa, naa, hume lag raho hain tu sahi keh raho hain. Humaari pasand hi kharaab hogo. Har cheez mein."

"Sanju", he protested. "Date hai. Is mein toh beizzati mat karo." She laughed, shaking her head.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Bro", Monami said. "Date kaisi thi?"

Sid smiled. "Bahut achhi", he said. "Hum logon ne bahut saari baatein kari, phir humne walk kari and then hum log waapas aa gaye." His smile faded, inspecting her. "Monu... tujhe kya hua? Tu pareshaan lag rahi hai?" He sighed. "Uncle se baat hui kya?"

She shook her head. "Kuchh nahi hua. Tu... Tu date ke baare mein bata, na?"

His frown deepened and he straightened up. "Monu... kya hua hai?"

She sighed. "I have to take a mandatory psychological evaluation", she admitted. His eyes widened. "Kal subah. Agar... unhone mujhe fit deem nahi kara, toh woh mujhe program se nikaal denge." Her eyes welled up with tears.

He sighed. "Monu..." He gently pulled her closer, and she buried her face in his chest. "Tune mujhe subah kyun nahi bataaya? Poore din tension mein baithi hogi." He pulled away, gently wiping her tears. "Arey, rone ki kya zaroorat hai. Woh kahenge tu bilkul fit hai training ke liye."

"What if they throw me out? Main kabhi Mumma jaisi nahi ban paungi. I'll... I'll fail. I can't fail!" She threw herself in his arms again, and he sighed, gently rubbing her back. He hoped the psychological evaluation went well. He wasn't sure if he would be able to handle her if it didn't.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"It was a good date", Koel said quietly, resting her head on his shoulder. He smiled, pressing a kiss to her head. She smiled, looking up at him. "Did you like it?"

"Hume nahi lagta hai aisi koi date ho sakti hai tumhaare saath jo hume achhi naa lage", he said.

She smiled, leaning up and kissing him. She pulled away when there was a fiddling with the lock and then it opened. Karan paused mid step, taking them in. He sighed a little. He closed the door behind him, walking over and sitting down on his bed. "Hi, Sir", Koel said. He nodded in greeting, kicking his shoes off.

Faizi chuckled. "Tum toh ghar jaakar sone waale the", he said, gently snaking an arm around Koel. "Phir itne thake hue kyun lag rahe ho?"

"Baby ne sone nahi diya", he said. "Aur usse chumbak ki tarah chipakna band kar, besharam, main yahin hoon."

"Toh jao, na? Apni waali ke paas chale jao."

Koel straightened in surprise. "Apni waali?" She repeated. "You have a girlfriend, Sir? Itna brave kaun hai?"

"Nahi", Karan said, glaring at Faizi. "Ise bas bakwaas karna pasand hai. I don't have a girlfriend."

Faizi looked at Koel. "Karan denial mein hai", he said seriously, making her chuckle.

"Hai kaun? Do I know her?" She asked. Monami sprang up in her mind but she refrained from asking. She wasn't sure what sort of relationship they had and while she was pretty comfortable with Karan now, she didn't want to test waters.

"Faizi, nahi", Karan said before he could open his mouth.

"Baad mein bataate hain", Faizi whispered, comically loud. He laughed when Karan shot him an annoyed look, shaking his head. Koel chuckled, smiling in amusement. They were really like brothers.

'I j-just m-meant... ki... ki woh i-itne b-bure bhi n-nahi d-dikhte.'

'They are n-not d-dates. B-Bas... hum d-dost hain.'

Koel rested her head on Faizi's shoulder, listening to the two banter. She wasn't sure what Monami felt for Karan, but he was special to her. Definitely a crush, if only a tiny one. Her gaze lifted to the younger agent. She hoped he didn't break her heart.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Monami shoved her hands in the hoodie, nervously bouncing on her feet. The door opened. A middle aged woman smiled at her gently, opening it wider. "Monami?" She asked. She had a soft voice, matching the kindness in her eyes. The cadet nodded. "Come. I am Dr. Vamika Goyal. I'll take your psychological evaluation aaj." She closed the door behind her, locking it and then gesturing to the couch. "Sit."

She walked in further, looking around the room. It was big, spacious but cozy. She sat down on the couch, nervously wringing her hands in her lap. She didn't particularly like psychiatrists and therapists.

"Make yourself comfortable", she said. "You can take off your shoes, lie down. Koi dikkat nahi hai." Monami shook her head. "Do you want anything? Coffee? Hot chocolate? Paani?" She shook her head again. Vamika nodded. "Okay. Let's start. Are you ready?"

Monami nodded. "I am r-ready", she said softly.

Vamika produced a recorder, keeping it on the table and switching it on. "Tell me about yourself."

"I am M-Monami. I am... I am 25. I am a d-doctor", she started hesitantly. The older woman nodded encouragingly. "I l-love novels a-and pl-plants and n-nature."

"Monami, can you tell me why you want to be a soldier?"

"I w-want to s-serve my c-country", she said. "I w-want to be l-like my M-Mumma. I... I w-want to be s-strong and... be r-ready to d-defend myself a-and... and pr-protect my p-people."

"Tum apni Mumma jaisi banna chahti ho. You were close to her." She nodded. "What do you think of when you think of her? What do you feel?"

Monami paused. "It... d-depends."

"On?"

"Mera... m-mood uss t-time par a-and the s-situation", she said. "S-Sometimes... I th-think of h-her and I... I think... ki M-Mumma h-hote toh woh... woh y-yeh karte and I f-find s-strength in that. And s-sometimes, I th-think of her a-and I think of m-my time with h-her and I am r-really h-happy. And then s-sometimes, main unke b-baare mein s-sochti hoon and I r-remember her l-last moments and it... it m-makes me s-scared and s-sad and... k-kabhi kabhi... really angry."

"Do you want revenge on the terrorists that killed your mother? Is that one of the reasons you joined this program?" Monami blinked, tilting her head. She... hadn't really thought of that. Revenge? As a reason to join? "It's okay. You can take a minute to think about it."

"I... I would l-love to c-catch them", she said. "I w-would love to g-get them their d-due p-punishment and m-make sure ki w-woh k-kabhi kisi aur ke s-saath woh n-naa karein. B-But... no. That's n-not one of th-the r-reasons to j-join the a-army. I am n-not ac-actively l-looking for r-revenge."

Vamika scribbled something on the notepad. "It says on your file ki tumne almost ek saal therapy li thi and your therapists diagnosed you with PTSD and anxiety." She nodded. "Why did you leave therapy?"

"M-Mujhe achhi n-nahi lagti thi", she said softly. "I h-hated being w-with st-strangers in a cl-closed room and... m-mujhe bas... zyaada d-darr l-lagta tha. They w-wanted me to t-talk about it and I d-didn't want to. I... I c-couldn't."

"Were you scared of your therapists?"

She nodded. "I was sc-scared of e-everyone. I was s-scared all th-the time. Th-Therapists weren't an ex-exception. I tr-tried it for s-sometime b-because my Dad w-wanted me to but ph-phir... I c-couldn't take it."

"If I deem it necessary, you might need to take therapy to manage your triggers", she said. "Do you think you can handle it?"

"Yes", she said. "I c-can h-handle it n-now."

She scribbled something else on the notepad. "What do you feel when you see a gun?" She asked.

"G-Generally, zyaada k-kuchh nahi. Usually, a g-gun is a g-gun. But... k-kabhi kabhi... I look at th-them and I r-remember... M-Mumma. Jab... Jab unhe m-maara g-gaya tha." She took a shaky breath. "C-Can I h-have some w-water?"

Vamika poured some water in a glass, offering it to her. She took a sip, clutching the glass tightly in her hands. "Do you consider guns to be your trigger?"

"Yes."

She scribbled something. "What else do you consider your triggers?"

"P-Param Sir", she said hesitantly. "C-Can people c-count?" Vamika nodded. "Ch-Chains. Being... B-Being locked s-somewhere." She closed her eyes. "T-Touch but th-that's r-rare now. It's... It's n-not a tr-trigger an-anymore but it m-makes me really un-uncomfortable. E-Especially un-unexpected." She opened her eyes, and a tear dripped down. She brushed it away, taking another sip of the water. The cool liquid soothed her dry throat and she took a few more sips.

Vamika jotted down a few more details. "You said Param. Param Shergill?" She nodded. "Why do you think he's your trigger? I understand that ek point par he was close to you and your mother."

"He r-reminds me of th-the cell and that t-time and..." She swallowed. "I... I th-think of h-him and... I r-remember him leaving. J-Just... J-Just like woh itne s-saal pehle ch-chale g-gaye the. And I d-don't know wh-why but m-mujhe aisa l-lagta hai ki woh m-mujhe... m-mujhe uss... uss c-cell ke an-andar chhodkar jaa r-rahe hain."

"Are you scared that he'll hurt you?"

"No. He'll n-never in-intentionally hurt me."

She jotted down something else. "Tell me about Sid. Would you say tum uss par dependent ho? Would you say you can't live without him?"

"S-Sid meri f-family hai. I c-can rely on h-him and he m-makes me f-feel safe and c-comforted. B-But... M-Mumma ke j-jaane ke b-baad, mujhe yeh s-samajh aa g-gaya hai ki... no m-matter how c-close you are to s-someone, jab aa-aapke ke p-paas koi aur op-option nahi hai, you do e-end up l-living w-without them. Toh no, I w-won't say I c-can't live w-without him but... I don't w-want to live w-without him."

"But you would do anything to protect him." She nodded. "Tell me if you were in the same situation you were 9 years ago. Tumhaare Mumma ki jagah Sid hai. He is going to be killed but you can stop it. You have to tell them some secret that's imperative to the nation's security. Will you choose to protect him?"

Monami stared at her. "Let me th-think", she said softly.

"You don't have the time, Monami. You have to decide. Sid's life or the country's secrets." She leaned forward, her tone steadily rising and every word spewed faster. "You have 5 seconds. They have a gun to his head, they have their finger on the trigger. And they are asking you to give them the location of your safe houses. You have no way to escape. No time for another strategy. No hidden cards. No bluffing. You have to make a choice. What will you choose? What is your answer? What-"

"I'll let them pull the trigger", she said, staring at the ground. Vamika paused, leaning back. Her teary gaze lifted to hers and she took a shaky breath, holding her gaze. "I'll... let th-them k-kill him. There is n-no choice. B-Betraying my c-country is n-not an o-option." Her eyes overflowed and she sniffled, wiping the wetness away. "I am s-sorry."

"It's okay. You don't have to be sorry", she said softly. "Do you want a little break?"

Monami shook her head. "I am o-okay."

Vamika nodded. "I understand that you are close to Karan?" She looked up, wiping the traces of the tears that had leaked from her eyes. "You are friends, na?" She nodded. "Karan is a special agent. Has it ever occurred to you ki abhi aisa hoga ki woh kisi mission par jaaye aur waapas naa aaye."

The younger girl stared at her, sniffling. "Woh ek c-commando hain. Of c-course I know th-that but it's n-not s-something I a-actively th-think about. I d-don't wanna th-think about that! He's my f-friend."

Vamika scribbled something else, before she looked up at her. "Monami... this life... ek commando ki life, it's incredibly dangerous. Tumhe toh pata hi hai how cruel and ugly yeh world hai." She nodded. The psychiatrist leaned forward. "You might end up in the same position jis mein tum 9 saal pehli thi. Watching someone getting tortured, watching someone die, getting tortured. Woh someone koi bhi ho sakta hai- Sid, Karan, your father, your friends. If you end up in a relationship, tumhaara husband. If you end up having kids, tumhaare bacche. Koi bhi. Knowing this, are you willing to be a special agent? Do you think you can handle it?"

Monami paused, her gaze dropping in thought. A moment passed and then another. Her gaze lifted. "M-Main uss s-situation mein d-dobara kabhi n-nahi hongi. E-Even if I e-end up in an e-enemy camp, in a c-cell, seeing the p-people I l-love getting t-tortured, it w-won't be the same. M-Main woh 16 s-saal ki l-ladki nahi h-hoon ab. I'll... I'll be s-strong enough to st-stare those t-terrorists in the e-eyes. Woh h-helplessness, woh... woh d-darr, woh h-humiliation when you are so d-desperate to g-get rid of the p-pain that you b-beg to d-die, woh... woh kabhi nahi hoga dobara. And, yes, jo bhi hoga, I can h-handle it."

She held the doctor's gaze, lifting her chin slightly. She could handle everything.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Monami leaned her head against the parapet, staring out at the city. The psychological evaluation was exhausting, to say the least. She sighed, rubbing her forehead.

"Hi", a voice said. She glanced up. Abhi. She straightened up a little, smiling slightly. "I didn't expect you here."

"It's q-quiet", she said. "I l-like it h-here." He hummed. He sat down in front of her on the parapet, quietly staring out at the city too. At a distance, the city seemed pretty. Her eyes drifted to him. "Are you o-okay? Aap... s-stressed lag r-rahe ho."

He hummed. "Just... work", he dismissed.

"A-Aisa kya k-kaam kar r-rahe ho? Main jab bh-bhi puchhti hoon, aa-aap yeh hi k-kehte ho. Maybe you sh-should t-talk to s-someone."

"I will", he assured. "Eventually. Par abhi nahi." He eyed her. "Agar tum busy nahi ho... can you sit with me for a little while? Tumhaare saath rehkar mujhe achha lagta hai." She nodded. "Thank you."

It was quiet for a few moments and Monami closed her eyes, feeling the cool breeze hit her face. When she opened her eyes, Abhi was staring at her quietly.

"You know", he said quietly. "Mujhe lagta tha ki meri feelings tumhaare liye isse deep nahi ho sakti par the more I spend time with you, the more I feel for you. I... I love you. I love you so much."

She looked away. "Sir..."

"I know", he assured. "I know you don't. Does... Does it bother you jab main yeh kehta hoon? I... I like saying it. Par agar tumhe achha nahi lagta, I can stop. I won't ever say it again."

Monami fidgeted with her hands. "Sir... I am... I am s-sorry."

"No", Abhi said firmly. Her eyes lifted in surprise. He had never been firm. "Kisi se pyaar karne ke liye sorry nahi bola jaata hai. Aur kisi se pyaar naa karne ke liye bhi sorry nahi bola jaata hai. Tumhe maafi maangne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai." He smiled slightly. "Tum jisse bhi pyaar karogi, woh iss duniya ka sabse lucky insaan hoga. And I hope he understands that aur tumhe waise hi treat kare."

She chuckled, shaking her head. "You d-don't know a l-lot of th-things, Sir", she said quietly. "There's n-nothing lucky a-about being with me."

"Yeh tumhe lagta hai", he said. "Par kisi aur ki nazar se dekhogi toh jaanogi... how absolutely beautiful you are. And don't say things like that, okay? Kisi ko apne pyaar ke baare mein yeh sab sunna nahi achha lagta." He smiled, tilting his head. "The first time I saw you... uss party mein, mujhe laga... you were a princess. I wanted to be your knight in a shining armor."

'Ek sherni rehti hai aapke andar, Rani Sahiba. Aur ek sherni bahut kuchh hoti hai par weak nahi.'

'Tumhe meri protection ki, meri help ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. You're strong enough.'

Monami's eyes drifted out to the city again. She... didn't want to be a princess. She was done being a princess. She wanted to be a queen. She didn't need a knight in a shining armor. If she couldn't even protect herself, how would she protect her country? Her eyes drifted back to him. He was so... not like the people she would ever choose to spend time with. Too loud, too animated, too persistent, too... too much. But also... a tad bit admirable. Could she ever accept somebody rejecting her love with as much class and gentleness as he had?