Castle Of Hope

2 years ago

Tardis

@DreamOfEndless

They were playing with sand, building castles, when I saw them for the first time. From my bedroom window, I watched two boys laugh and giggle as they shoveled sand into their pails. They were carefree and wild, with nothing holding them back. I longed to join them, to feel the gritty sand between my toes, and to create something beautiful from the grains. 

But would they play with a boy like me? Bullying at school had instilled a fear of making friends in me. I was around 8 when I understood I really was a boy trapped in a girl’s body. One of my “friends” had discovered my secret and there was no end to taunts from both boys and girls. In the end, I just tricked them into believing that they had misunderstood. However, the bullying still continued. 

Now at 12, I still long for freedom from acting like someone I was not, and watching the two boys having so much fun only reminded me of what I did not have. I would watch them play with sand and build castles every chance I got. One day, however, everything changed. I had forgotten to keep my spare key. So, when I returned from school and searched for my key, I did not find it. My parents were still at work. I called them and informed them what had happened. 

“Don’t worry Vedee!" I winced at my name, "I am leaving the office right away,” my mom said from the other end of the phone, “Don’t go wandering, it’s not safe. Stay put like a good girl. Mumma will be right there!” 

I did not tell her that I wasn’t a girl, let alone a ‘good girl’. I could be a good boy though, and like a good boy, I sauntered off to the playground, this time determined to make a castle myself. I walked towards the playground and then halted in my steps as I spotted them in their school uniform. I was wearing a skirt! My school uniform made my stomach turn, as I did not want them to misread my gender. I had no idea that I had decided to come out to them, but it seemed I did not want to lie about my gender identity to them. The boys were about my age and seemed good natured while playing. 

It’s now or never. I drew in a breath and set out on my quest. I felt the sun on my face and the wind in my hair telling me not to run away from myself this time. My legs were shaking with nerves when they turned and saw me. 

For a moment, I thought they would laugh or mock me, but to my surprise, they welcomed me. They still thought I was a girl, so I still didn’t know if they would want to play with me if they knew I was transmasculine. 

’Hey, want to play with us and build a sandcastle?" one of them asked, holding out a pail and shovel. 

‘Hi! I am Ved. My pronouns are he/his. I will be happy to join you in your game if you let me join in,” I said innocently. I had no idea what had gotten into me that I came out abruptly to a pair of strange boys. For all I know, they could beat me, mock me, bully me. But they did nothing. They stared at me for a second, and then one of the boys smiled. 

“Hi, Ved. I am Pooja. My pronouns are she/her. And this is my best friend, Adi,” she said. It was then I noticed how Pooja’s hair was slightly longer than how boys normally wear their hair. 

“We would love to play with you, Ved. My pronouns are he/his. Do you want to compete to see who makes a castle faster?” asked Adi. He had a good-natured countenance. 

We laughed and talked, sharing stories, hobbies, and dreams. We even competed to see who made the tallest castle. I couldn’t say who won, but it turned into a sand bath. When my overprotective mom returned with the keys, she wasn’t pleased to see all the sand in her ,"daughter’s" clothes and hair. But I didn’t care, because I had never felt so free and alive before.

Just like that I became friends with the two. Before walking into the playground, before accepting myself, I didn’t even know how much life I was letting slip through my fingers. But afterwards, I had a dream, that despite the grueling dark truths of life, it was possible to find friendship, love and acceptance.

Someday soon, I am gonna tell my parents too.