Lovezone or Friendzone

Please forgive me for my grammatical mistakes...

If you're reading this diary I'll tell you to stop reading it. Like other love stories, my story is different. I give the title Lovezone or Friendzone, let you decide which zone I belong to in this story. 

It's between me and my boy who was unaware of the existence of his lover.

Let me tell you about my perfect dream boy. It was 2005 when I met him for the first time. I was then sixteen years old. I still remember that early evening when I was on my bicycle 🚲 with my tuition bag on my back, my mother was shouting at me with her daily complaint about not finishing my meal. I didn't get the time to change my school uniform.

That day I had to reach my tuition as early as possible. We didn't have a class test that day, and not even I was the topper of the batch. Let me tell you about me, I'm Snigdha Ghosh, yes could guess right I'm a Bengali girl. I live in Kolkata with my parents and my younger brother Rishabh.

I was an average student with dreams in my eyes. I wanted to be an air hostess but my mother advised me to be a teacher and after that settle down with a suitable boy after marriage. Where My father told me to become a doctor.

Nobody in my family agrees with my dream, rather they laugh at me whenever I tell them about my aim. It broke my heart after hearing my body's skin colour was my strongest weakness in front of my dream. I was an average-looking girl at 5 feet 4 inches in height. I had fat on my chin. I wasn't the girl who was ever addressed as a babe in their friend group. I was from a conservative family so never came across any guy before, not even any guy approached me. I was studying at a girl school. Among my friend group except me and my friend, Rinki all had boyfriends.

Rinki was a cute chubby girl. She is 4inch shorter than me. Rinki told me yesterday she had a crush on a boy who had recently moved into their neighborhood.

Okay now moved on to my dream boy.

It was early evening as I mentioned before the last rays were about to kiss the horizon.

It was early April, Humidity in the weather was adamant at their place and goes ahead with the temperature in rhythm.

I was in a hurry to cross the main entrance gate of our building complex but suddenly stopped by a car that was halted 10 steps ahead of my pillu ( my bicycle) and me. I could guess peeking over the glasses at least 4 people were sitting inside. Suddenly I saw a man in his 50s come out of the taxi . I observed the man from head to toe, all flashes accumulated around his stomach. Two more people came out of the taxi followed by the man.

One was a girl, she was tall and fair, and her hair was tied by a handkerchief ribbon.

Another one was a boy. He was as tall as  that man.

The girl stepped to the man I presumed perhaps the man would be the father of both the girl and boy and they were siblings..

Following them, I noticed there outside a jumbo truck standing on the entrance side blocking the path.

I saw two men coming down from the truck to bring down the furniture. I understood they were newcomers to our residency.

The man was busy giving instructions to the workers .

I kept gazing at them,and noticed the boy had a light complexion. His hair was parted on one side, his lips were as pink as if someone pasted sweet cotton candy . His appearance hit my brain to remind me how I was with my friend's group gossiping about fair-complexioned boys in our recess at school. He can be a perfect example of our group discussion. 

My eyes fell on his cheeks which were full of pimples but he was still looking handsome that any girl's heart can flutter.

Tell you honestly Although I hadn't a boyfriend I had crushes. So I knew those feelings.

Suddenly the boy glanced at my side and caught me gazing at him.

Within those little moments of gazing, I felt like the detective from CID. The thing which grabbed my attention most was his eyes. How stupid it was I used to read in novels how the boys describe the eyes of their lady love romantically but I never had any idea I'd come across a boy whose name I didn't know but I got attracted to his eyes in the very first place.

His eyes were deep and expressive, yet very silent adding to the charm of his face.

I saw him throw me a nice to meet you smile, I gave him an awkward smile. It was the very first time any boy gave me that little attention. Suddenly nervousness engrossed me. I felt my heart running like Rajdhani express these things that happened when I was in the exam hall mainly. My eyes shifted back to the handle of my bicycle, and in a blink, I took the paddle and left the place.

The next two days passed and I didn't meet that boy. Nor do I remember him.  It was Sunday. I hardly came out of the house when there weren't any  tuition classes. Among my group of friends, only Rinki's house was 15 minutes away from my home . She asked me to come out in the evening. I was about to ask my mother who informed me that a new family had arrived at our residency. They are giving Puja. That's why they invited us. I asked my mother when she met them. She told me yesterday afternoon that she came downstairs to go to a nearby shop.

The puja would be held in the evening. They invited her, especially because my mother and the lady were from the same village of Bankura. That's why it didn't take much time for the ladies to become friends.

I don't like puja but I like ladoos and sweets, which are my favourite. But I don't like to meet people much. Sometimes I think if I keep myself within a little world of mine then how would I manage approx 500-600 Stanger together in a flight? I took it as a challenge after talking with my Didi ( tuition teacher ). She was my inspiration. She only understood me and encouraged me for my dream .

Finally, I met the family this time with a proper invitation. There I saw the boy having charming eyes.

I got to know his name Mayukh Sanyal.

Mayukh was the youngest son of the family. He had two sisters one who was 25 years old , an MA in history still seeking for Job  . And the middle one who I met 2 days ago was in 1st-year BSC mathematics.

In the Puja, my Mother and Mayukh's Mom talked as if they were two biological sisters who had lost in Kumbh Mela.

My eyes were spun around the house  suddenly I saw Mayukh was looking absent-minded in between the conversation of the ladies

The things I liked most about Mayukh were in the same class as mine. His mother asked my Mom regarding tuition for him . He too wanted to be a doctor.

My eyes again shifted to the Mayukh who stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him.

… … … … ..

It was Wednesday when I reached my tuition classes after school. To my surprise, I saw Mayukh sitting at a corner of a bench.

He caught me gazing at him and I smiled back at him. I took a seat near Rinki, I forgot to mention she was my tuition mate too.

Being a newcomer Mayukh got more attention. He sounded polite.

Many days have passed. I was in my tuition class.

I noticed Mayukh had some new friends during the tuition class. His pimples disappeared gradually and his hairstyle changed too. He was busy in his new Friendzone most of the time. Although we meet but hardly talk even though it was a limited edition ‘Oh, hey, ‘hello’ or ‘bye’

I heard the whispering of girls. I remember that day, Rinki was absent and I was bored.

I heard Ankana whispering to a girl that yesterday Mayukh had sent her texts . Even they have a few chats.

Something shuddering deep inside of me. I didn't like the tone or even any girl talking about Mayukh.  I felt a knot in my stomach. I won't lie to you. I had a hidden wish to be loved by a guy but I didn't have the guts to turn this imagination into reality.

" So, Mayukh is interested in you ?" "The second girl asked

" I think so! " Ankana whispered with shyness

" He is cool and handsome.. go ahead you lucky girl "

Ankana blushed more.

I was mad that day, I shouted at my mother and I got slapped. I agree I deserve that. I didn't try, except to watch him from a distance. As If I was stalking my favourite film star from a distance. I thought to forget him and never give a shot to my stupid feelings to capture my emotions.

Even I swear to never fall in love. This decision made me laugh. How could a 16 years old girl decide to never give a second chance to live?

That night I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was turning my back on either side of the bed. Ankana was Mayukh's love interest. I was helpless. What should I do if the guy for whom I fell in love was interested in another girl?

I was broken, angry, angry with Mayukh again, angry at myself for why I didn't approach him. It had been 8 months. There was plenty of time to tell him how I felt about him but seeing his introverted nature and disinterestedness in girls I was relieved as I could get my time. But now, I realized, in matters of the heart, one shouldn’t wait.

Another day I noticed Mayukh and Ankana sharing a lovely smile. 

Our board exams were arriving. I was studying hard to make my parents proud just once. But I was determined when I would become an air hostess they would be more proud. I didn't give hints to tell Rinki about my disastrous love life.

Our tuition class test results had been announced, I got 38 out of 50 in physics, 40 in chemistry, and 30 in mathematics. I was happy I didn't come first though. But the things which gave me butterflies in my stomach, I got 30 marks more than Ankana in all subjects, and I started to do hidden competition with the girl who snatched away my boy .

I was looking for Mayukh when I saw him looking very disappointed. I came to him and asked at least, he replied he didn't do good. He left the tuition and didn't make eye contact with me. From his friend I got to know he had failed.

I felt bad for him. Even My mood was too spoiled. I saw Ankana talking with her friend " we had broken up. I shouldn't go into a relationship with him, his presence ruining my studies"

Suddenly my ear goes warm  "how could anyone spoil others if the latter isn't eager to ruin themselves too? She came into a relationship with her wish was it like Mayukh forced her to do"

When I reached home. Later at night, I have a habit of walking alone. It was the first week of December yet the weather wasn't that cold.

Only a lonely bulb was entitled to the roof.

At a corner I saw a figure, that was no other than it was Mayukh standing holding the railing.

My footsteps make him aware of the presence of someone there. I stood near to him, he was about to leave the place I gather some courage to talk to him

" How is your preparation ??

He turned to me, took paused then said " I didn't do good at tests " his voice tail low

I bit my tongue in mistakes I remembered he told me in the morning. I curse myself for such a stupid mistake and then thought to enlighten his mood

" Ohh. But it was just a tution test .. maybe next time you will do better I believe"

He smirked without looking at me " it's because you are good at studying that's why it's easy for you to say "

" Hey, I'm not that good.. I just try to give my best that's it" I try to sound as normal as possible

" You are doing hard work for something you want to become. You are lucky at least "

"What do you mean?? I can't get you ??

" You want to become a doctor that's why you took Science "

I laugh a little" who said that to you? " I wonder from where I got that spirit that night to talk to him without any hesitation

" What do you mean ?? ""

" No.." I kept my both hands clasping together on the railing " I have another dream .. I wanted to become an air hostess but my parents are against my dream ..they wanted me to be a doctor ..but One day I'll prove them wrong And I believe they will be happy someday "

Mayukh looked at her with a gap.

I glanced back at him, getting no response. " What happened?" I laughed then I thought perhaps he was too thinking about my body colour as like a family

" I know you are, it sounded strange .. because all the air hostess has flawless skin that's why it grabs boys attention " I didn't know how those things came out of my mouth was it because of frustration of all those repeated suppression by my closer one or I was wondering to know how he would react after hearing my thoughts.

Mayukh frowned then chuckled" who said that to you ?? Not all air hostesses need to have flawless skin. I think the thing that really matters most is that you should have good communication skills, you have to be dedicated, and duty full toward your job. And why are boys always hypnotised by external beauty? "

I looked at Mayukh with wonder. He continued

"One day everybody will get old and with age, your beauty features also take the beating. If beauty is more important then no person will love their aging parents. For me, love is respected if you can't respect your loved one. That means there wasn't any love. Respect comes from the person Inner beauty, the way they treat others, thinks about other, care for other, their honesty, a dedication that should be moral of their personality "

It was the first time I came across a different side of him. Never had any idea he was a boy with spirituality only at an age of 16.

I couldn't help but smile later asked him

" So what's your biggest dream??

Mayukh took a break and then with a deep breath said  " I wish to be an artist. I have a dream to be a painter, it's my biggest, biggest dream I have ever had.

I wanted to travel across the entire world,  to roam around the counties and draw paintings of every beautiful creations of Nature. I want to walk, run, live my life on my own, and want to capture all these amazing things in my  painting "

I am amused by his dream. I heard from my Friendzone that they had ambitions to become rich but for the first time came across someone who wants to live each moment in the present. I understood he had a different view of the world. Indeed he was a passionate nature lover too.

Then I understood why he left the room when his mother declared her son wanted to be a doctor. He didn't want to be a doctor anymore. It wasn't like that anyone could clear the entrance exams and get selection for Medical.

Again I

thought to ask him about Ankana but then thought back to let go of the matter. Perhaps it wouldn't look good to be more clingy.

Gradually, after that night,

Mayukh and I have become good friends. He was my first friend among boys except for my little brother Rishabh.

I asked him this time regarding Ankana and he replied that he wasn't interested in her. It was his friend, Amaan, who was interested in her . Amaan was from different batches.He was trying his best to shift to this evening batch but due to no vacancy, he couldn't get a seat.

I wondered how many friends he had .

Rinki always used to tease me in the name of Mayukh even when I caught him sometimes staring at me then I noticed him withdrawing his gaze from my side.

His action sometimes gave me goosebumps .

Finally

I confessed my feelings to Rinki who suggested that I should give a chance to my love life . It was another day I found Mayukh stayed mute at the trace . He avoided gazing at mine but later he gave up on my repeated insisting. His parents were angry and upset with his academic performance.

I could say he was controlling his emotions. I tried my best to comfort him . And motivated him one day everything would be in proper shape . I could understand same thing happened to me when my friends got more marks than mine how my mother shout at me .

I thought to he was already in pain so giving him extra bonus would become Diwali bumper sell . I buried my emotions for that day. Let  out the suggestions we would help eachother for the upcoming tests . He agreed with me at the end.

The exam finally arrived. Mayukh did his best this time. We both took help from his sister, a 1st-year mathematics  also excellent student . She could easily help us with portions whenever we had found any difficulty.

It was June 2006.. after returning to my school most of the time was spent with Mayukh. We shared many more things. He showed me his sketchbook. I couldn't help but be amused by witnessing his talent. No doubt he was a talented painter. And if he continued his work one day his work would be put in an exhibition.

All he needs is proper dedication, hard work, and passion.

It was Durga Puja Astami night. I was sitting alone in a chair looking at the children giggling and enjoying the event to the fullest. I saw Mayukh walking towards the pandal . He came and took a seat beside me. We talked and laughed. Joined in the dhunuchi dance together.

2 months passed after that. Still I wasn't aware of how I should tell Mayukh about my feelings. We were both busy in our study, and our parents become more strict and tough with time . We had only eaten , studied, slept, and repeated our routine.

In the middle of our military training

Mayukh had a fever for the past few days. We talk with their family. They consulted with a medical practitioner, and in the blood report chart it came - he had dengue.

Their family told us rashes were appearing on his chest, stomach, and elbows,  Pain in back of eyes, joints and abdomen.  His platelets have gone down too .

They had admitted him to a private hospital. Gradually he became weak … So much so that he even had problems talking properly.

Mayukh's condition was continuously deteriorating. The doctors did all they could but their efforts fell short of the desired result. He had become weak, and pale and had not talked at all since the last twenty-four hours. He opened his eyes for a moment.

I was worried and dying to catch a glimpse of him. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I wished for him day and night. I never prayed so much to God before. But this time I asked for nothing but only Mayukh's life. His healthy, long life. Only one name was on my lips that night. " Save him God ... please Save Mayukh" "..

I was waiting for them to meet him. Both families had good friends. Finally, we reached there. It was before twilight . I recalled when I met Mayukh for the very first time it too was evening .

When the taxi crossed the entrance gate of the private hospital, I could feel like floating in the air. As if there was no energy left in my body.

We came down from the car and took steps ahead.

My father called Mayukh's father who came down 10 mins later. He was looking very tired and torn , there was no life remaining in his spirit.

As soon he clutched my father tightly as if he was the little son who lost in a game with his friends and return home in agony

"Why.. why… why… this happens to us ??" "

My father has nothing but comfort.

My breathing stopped suddenly . I felt there was no existence of mine . I regained my consciousness when someone came and clasped me tightly. I glanced at the person, it was Mayukh's younger sister. She bursts into tears. Everyone was crying. With heavy feet, I drag my foot toward the cabin. My head was spinning,I felt strangled , and I was unaware of my surroundings. I wanted to scream but my lips were tight by an invisible knot ..I was turned into stone.

I saw Mayukh lying on the bed . His body was covered with white clothes.

I heard someone whimpers

"Mayukh is no more… we lost him"

… … … …

2 days had passed, It was difficult to believe My Mayukh was no more. I avoid meeting with my friends. Rinki came to see me. She took me to a trace to remove the burden from my chest. There is Lonely place where I burst out in her arms. Rinki tried to soothe me.

It was then we felt we weren't alone on the roof.

Suddenly I saw someone. It was Mayukh's younger sister, and she came to me . Understood she heard our conversation. But I didn't care , I couldn't save my love. That was more shameful.

She stared at me for a long then said only two words

" I think you have more right on this "

I saw her extend a book toward me.

She patted my right cheek with her left hand.

" Take care"

I took the book. It was a sketch notebook.

She took a sigh and left the spot.

When I opened the first page I saw.

A girl was on a bicycle, she was in uniform.

I recognized the girl was me, it was our first meeting.

Then I saw a picture of our tuition classes.

Gradually there was another picture when I was caressing my hands through the beautiful dahlia flower in the building complex garden.

All the pages were filled up with pictures of mine.

It was Maha Ashtami Night when I along with Mayukh were enjoying our Dhunuchi Dance in the pandal.

Tears rolled down my cheek.

I was hardly able to breathe.

On the last page, it was written…

The specialty of my story is that she is my heart. Nobody could have snatched her from there . I know you love me and it was enough for me . I couldn't stand beside you . You are so perfect and beautiful both inside out . You are determined and rigid.

When you get someone perfect it's very difficult to win them .

I couldn't fight to get you . No I'm not a coward but I couldn't let you suffer for my happiness. My family has huge expectations from me . I have already loaded of responsibility on my head. I have to become a Doctor so I could give my family a better and wealthy life . I had to take all the expenditure of the marriage of my both sisters. I love my both elder sister they are my reason to breathe in the family. Unless I don't know what I will do.

I couldn't give you false hope. I couldn't be the chain of your leg to drag you behind from your dream as I could never live mine . How much you motivated me. Your company nourished my mood.  Your cute smile is enough to make my day better.

Mayukh means Glorious Light of the Sun.But why do I feel when she blinked and smiled at me, a light would flicker in the darkest corners of my heart as if someone had enlightened a candle stick.

We know we're in each other's love zone… But in reality let's leave it in Friendzone.

Take care, Singdha.

I'll always be waiting to see you become my gorgeous Air hostess.

A drop of tears fell on my name , it scatter in a blink of an irregular circle.

                           ..................

THE END