Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

INTROSPECTION

Monami groaned as sunlight shone on her face. She rolled over, burying her face in the pillow. Sunlight? She opened her eyes, turning her head slightly. The curtains were drawn open, sunlight filtering in through the window.

She shot up. She froze as the world swayed a little. Her head pounded and she gently massaged her forehead. She looked at the clock. 7:42. Her eyes popped out. “No. No, no, no!” She muttered. “Maine drill kaise miss kar di?” She moaned softly. “Mera sar!” She reached for her water bottle, pausing when she was the medicine bottle and a note. She picked it up.

‘Sar dukh raho hoga. Dawaai rakhi hai. Le lena. Drill cancel ho gayo hai. Toh chinta mat kar. -Sanju’

Drill cancelled? What the hell happened? She picked the bottle up, popping a painkiller in with water. Her nose scrunched up as she swallowed it. It was bitter. She took a deep breath.

‘Okay… Monu, soch, kal raat kya hua tha?’ She closed her eyes. ‘Party mein gayi thi. Bahut saara khaana khaaya tha. Kitna achha pasta tha. And that chocolate ice cream…’ She shook her head slightly. ‘Focus, Monu. Phir… Phir washroom gayi thi. Phir… Phir kya hua tha?’ She sighed a little. ‘Yaad kar, Monu. Kya hua tha?’

‘I like being carried. Aapko pata hai? Mujhe logon ko hug karna, unke paas rehna, kitna zyaada pasand tha? I… I miss that. Bina dare kisi ko zor se hug karna. I miss that.’

‘Jis din aankhein uthaakar, nazre milaakar, apna jazbaa dikha diya, na, achhe achhon ki aankhein neeche ho jayengi.’

‘Ek din log tumhe salute karenge aur dushman tumhaare aage apni aankhein jhukaayenge. Yeh mera vaada hai tumse. Main tumhe utna confident banauga, utna kaabil banauga. I promise.’

Her eyes snapped open. Did that really happen?

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

‘Aapko pata hai? Mujhe logon ko hug karna, unke paas rehna, kitna zyaada pasand tha? I… I miss that. Bina dare kisi ko zor se hug karna. I miss that.’

‘Par jo hua, jo… jo dekha, jo mehsoos kiya, use… use bhool nahi paa rahi. I want to forget. I… I want freedom. Iss darr se, inn… inn memories se j-jo mujhe h-hamesha haunt karti hain, iss… iss weakness se. I don’t want to be weak anymore. I want to be free.’

‘Yeh mera vaada hai tumse. Main tumhe utna confident banauga, utna kaabil banauga. I promise.’

Karan swallowed a gulp of his coffee. He tapped his bedside table idly, the words flashing in his mind over and over again. He pulled his phone out, keeping the coffee on the table. He paused to think for a second, his thumbs hovering over the keypad. He finally started to type. How to help someone with PTSD.

He opened up the first article, beginning to read. He grabbed a notebook, flipping to an empty page. He uncapped a pen, beginning to write in his scratchy handwriting.

Tips To Help:

1. Learn about her triggers and keep them in mind to make her feel safe and comfortable. Already known: people, touch.

2. Learn what makes her feel safe. Example- verbal assurances. Already known: coffee calms her down.

3. Encourage her. She can do anything she sets her mind to. She needs to believe she can. [Note- Get the thought out of her head that she is weak. Stupid thought.]

4. Appreciate her. She needs the confidence. Do NOT overdo it. She would not like it. She would feel weird and uncomfortable. Make it subtle. Make it genuine. A ‘good job’, ‘you did well’ would suffice. Do NOT do it in front of everyone. She would feel uncomfortable at the attention.

5. Pull her out of her comfort zone (example- talk to her) but make sure she isn’t becoming overwhelmed. She might start to feel worse and unsafe. (Tip- keep coffee on standby, if possible)

6. Be ready to listen. If she wants to talk, shut up and listen.

He paused, reading them over and over again. He tapped his fingers on the table thoughtfully. What else could he do? She seemed to have bonded with her team, at least to a certain extent. Would more team activities help it?

‘Aapko pata hai? Mujhe logon ko hug karna, unke paas rehna, kitna zyaada pasand tha? I… I miss that. Bina dare kisi ko zor se hug karna. I miss that.’

Karan heaved a sigh. ‘Kisi ka itna badha darr kaise nikaaloon? Aur yeh toh saare insaanon se darti hai Siddharth ke alaawa. Mujhse bhi.’ He tapped his fingers on the table again. His fingers halted. ‘Siddharth se baat karoon kya? Woh help kar sakega kya?’ The drumming started again. 'Par use bolunga kya? Jab khud samajh nahi aa raha ki itna kyun chahta hoon main yeh karna, toh use kya jawaab dunga?’ It paused again. ‘Keh dunga ki trainer hoon, aur ek commando ko hamesha confident hona chahiye. As a trainer, meri duty hai ki use ek achha commando banaoon and uska yeh darr use peechhe rokta hai.’ He nodded. ‘Yeh hi reason hai. I want to do this because I am her trainer, because she is my responsibility. Aaj… Siddharth se baat karunga.’ He nodded to himself.

He would fulfil that promise.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

“Maine suna hai Karan Sir ji toh jwaalamukhi ki tarah phat gaye the catering waalon par”, Bala said.

“What’s jwaa… whatever?” Sid asked.

Koel rolled her eyes. “Volcano. Agli baar bahar jaayenge, toh tere liye Hindi to English waali dictionary lekar aayenge.”

“#Alcohol toh strictly mana kari thi, na, Karan Sir ne? Phir kaise?” Chitra asked.

“Galti thi”, Prem ji said. “Catering waalon ko galatfehmi ho gayi thi.”

Suman ji moaned. “Suman ji ne aaj tak daaru ko haath nahi lagaaya tha. Inki galatfehmi ke chakkar mein Suman ji ne daaru pi li. Suman ji ko bilkul achha nahi lag raha hai. Aisa lag raha hai abhi sab kuchh nikaal dungi.”

“Sab kuchh already aap nikaal chuki hain”, Koel said. “Kuchh khaaya bhi hai uske baad jo aur vomit karoge?”

She moaned again dramatically. “Suman ji ko bilkul achha nahi lag raha hai.”

“Hume pata hai. Aap yeh subah se sau baar bol chuki hain”, Bala said. “Monami Madam!” The others glanced at the entrance, finding her walk into the mess with a lost expression. “Monu Madam!” She blinked, looking at him. “Kahan kho gaye the? Aa jaao.”

She nodded. “C-Coffee l-lekar aayi”, she murmured.

“Ise kya hua?” Koel asked. “Zyaada khoyi hui nahi lag rahi?” Suman ji lifted her head as well, turning to inspect her quietly.

“Hangover hoga, isliye sar dukh raha hoga”, Prem ji concluded finally.

Monami traced the pattern on the counter idly as she waited.

‘Ek sherni rehti hai aapke andar, Rani Sahiba. And ek sherni bahut kuchh hoti hai, par weak nahi. Sherni ki ek dahaad se sher bhi darr jaata hai. Aap apne andar ki sherni ko chhupa kar rakhti hain, apne paas, logon se door. Jis din aankhein uthaakar, nazre milaakar, apna jazbaa dikha diya, na, achhe achhon ki aankhein neeche ho jaayengi.’

‘And I know, ek din log tumhe salute karenge aur dushman tumhaare saamne apni aaankhein jhukayenge.’

She smiled in thanks as the helper passed her the coffee. She sat down next to Sid. Her fingers stroked the cup lightly, looking into the murky coloured liquid.

‘Main keh raha hoon time waste kar rahi ho, medicine practice karne par dhyaan do, par nahi, tumhe toh sunni hi nahi hai kisi ki.’

‘And I know, ek din log tumhe salute karenge aur dushman tumhaare saamne apni aankhein jhukaayenge.’

‘Kitni baar samjhaaya hai ki yeh military, yeh training, it’s not for you, baccha. Yeh tumhaare liye nahi hai.’

‘Jis din aankhein uthaakar, nazre milaakar, apna jazbaa dikha diya, na, achhe achhon ki aankhein neeche ho jaayengi.’

‘Tumhe hi pata hai yeh training wagera tumse nahi hoga.’

‘Yeh mera vaada hai tumse. Main tumhe utna confident banaunga, utna kaabil banaunga. I promise.’

Monami took a big gulp of the coffee. It was… overwhelming. Was that the word she was looking for? She was overwhelmed. She was used to hands that extended to push her down, not hands that were held out in offer to help her up.

It overwhelmed her. But not the kind that would make her want to crawl under her bed, cover hear head and sob her eyes out. This was the kind that made her want to crawl out from under her bed, wipe her tears and hold her chin up.

It was unfamiliar. So different. So new.

But she wanted to hug this unfamiliarity.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Sanju rested her chin on her hands, staring at the small figurine. Fierce eyes of the boxer girl stared back. She smiled slightly.

She picked up a rag, and the spraying water bottle. She sprayed it with some water, before cleaning the crevices out with the rag. She blew on it gently, inspecting it. It should be clean. Spotless.

Her tongue poked out in concentration lightly, as she rubbed the dust away. She kept it down on the table again after a couple of minutes. She frowned in dissatisfaction. It wasn’t shining like the time it had been when she had gotten it.

‘Siddharth ne diyo hai’, she thought. ‘Chamakna chahiyo.’

She cracked her knuckles.

Time for some deep cleaning.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Sid sighed, looking around the gym. It was empty. It shouldn’t be empty. Where was she?

He laid down on the bench, staring up at the ceiling. He stifled a yawn. His head still buzzed a little from the alcohol the night before. He was only thankful there were no physical classes today. He would have dropped and gave up in 10 minutes. If he lasted that long.

His eyes slid close, and he relaxed slightly on the small, narrow bench. It wasn’t too bad. He could sleep here too.

Sanju mentally scolded herself as she half-jogged to the gym. She was late. She was supposed to meet Siddharth. He must have left. She slowed her pace down a little, sighing. She should have kept an eye on the clock.

On the good side, the figurine was shining brighter than ever. It had taken giving it a bath, some vigorous rubbing with alcohol wipes and a whole lot of time, but she was finally satisfied.

She pushed open the door, pausing mid-step. Siddharth was lying on the bench in the middle of the gym. His limbs hung off the side and he was clearly asleep. Uncomfortable would be the word she would call his position. She crossed the room, hovering over his sleeping form.

What to do now? Should she just let him sleep? He wouldn’t feel so good when he woke up. His neck, especially would be sore. She glanced around the gym. She should, at least, get him a pillow.

She turned away from the gym, jogging over to the closest room where there would be pillows. It was a spare room. They were often left unlocked for cleaning staff. She grabbed a couple of them, before jogging back to the gym.

He hadn’t twitched. She gently lifted his head, slipping the pillow underneath his head. He groaned a little, turning to his back and she held her hands out in case he rolled over and fell off. But he didn’t. He buried his face in the pillow. She pushed another bench closer to the one he was lying on, lifting his legs a little and letting the bench slip down. His arms were still hanging off. But there wasn’t much she could do about that.

She took a step back, keeping the spare pillow aside. Blanket. That was missing. It was chilly with the rain that had poured down the day before, and the gym windows were open. She jogged back to the spare room, grabbing a blanket. She draped it over him. She nodded in approval.

He snuggled into the blanket, relaxing on the hard bench. She smiled slightly.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan’s fist hovered over the door. Was this a good idea?

‘Yeh mera vaada hai tumse. Main tumhe utna confident banauga, utna kaabil banauga. I promise.’

He took a deep breath. He was going to fulfil that promise. He rapped his knuckles on the wood. His hand fell back to his side. He shoved his hands in the pocket, waiting.

The door opened. Bala stared at him in surprise. Siddharth peeked from his bed, shooting up to his feet when he saw him. “Karan Sir ji?” Bala said. “Aap…” He trailed off, looking at Siddharth in confusion.

“Siddharth, mujhe tumse baat karni hai.”

“Sure. Kahiye”, he said.

He glanced at Bala. “Akele mein. Bahar aa jao.”

“One minute”, he said. He grabbed his shoes, slipping them on quickly. He stood up, gesturing him to lead. Karan shoved his hands in deeper, walking to the garden outside. He opened his mouth open and close a couple of times, unsure of how to phrase it exactly.

“Thoughts organize kar rahe ho?” Siddharth asked after a few minutes. Karan looked at him. “Monu bhi yeh hi karti hai. Bolegi baat karni hai, phir ek ghante tak sochti rahegi.” He shrugged. “It’s fine. Aapko jitna time lena hai. I am used to waiting.”

“Woh… woh mujhe… mujhe actually, Monami ke baare mein hi baat karni thi.”

Sid frowned. “Kya hua?”

“Monami itna darti kyun hai?” Karan asked. His face dropped. He glanced away, his jaw clenching. “It’s… it’s okay. Personal hoga. But…”

“But?”

He sighed. “Dekho, Siddharth. Monami meri cadet hai. One of my best cadets. And yeh meri duty hai ki main woh sab kuchh karoon jisse woh ek achhi commando bane. And ek commando ko apne par bharosa hona chahiye, confidence hona chahiye.”

“Aap uska darr khatam karna chahte ho, and you want my help?” Sid said.

Karan nodded. “Haan.”

He smiled a little. He sat down on a bench, gesturing him across. “I’m sure you know ki mental health se deal karne ka koi ek way nahi hota. But Monu ke saath deal karne ka number 1 step. Usko yeh pata hona chahiye ki aap use hurt nahi karoge. She should believe it. It’s not that hard to win her trust, but… koi koshish hi nahi karta. Sabko yaa toh yeh lagta hai ki worth nahi hai, ya yeh lagta hai ki woh chahti nahi hai unse baat karna. It’s not true.”

“Aur… main yeh kaise karoon? Koi advice?”

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan stared at the notebook. The tips he had written from the internet were written on the left side. He grabbed a pen, uncapping it and beginning to write the ones Sid had given on the right side.

Step 1: Earn Her Trust

1. Make sure she’s comfortable. Do not go too close. Do not try to touch her. Do not poke her about topics she doesn’t want to talk about. If she’s overwhelmed, back off.

2. Talk to her. It can be about anything. Training, food, family, random things. Make her feel she can come to you if she has a problem.

3. Tell her the good things about her. She can feel when someone dislikes her and accepts it. She doesn’t quickly accept that people like her, even when they do. Make sure there are plenty of verbal cues.

4. Assure her I believe in her. [Different that her believing in herself.] Assure her that she could do it, and that I’m there to support her and she can fall back on me.

He capped the pen, nodding. ‘Siddharth ne kaha tha ki jitna zyaada logon ko trust karne lagi, utni jaldi apne fear ko control kar paayegi. Abhi uski life mein sirf ek Siddharth hi hai jispar woh bharosa karti hai. Baaki cadets ke saath at least, pehle se toh zyaada ghul mil rahi hai. Par Siddharth ke alaawa koi aur ho naa ho, main zaroor honga jo iske saath khada rahega. Meri cadet hai woh. Trainers haath pakad kar har problem nahi paar karate, par agar cadet gire, toh haath dene ke liye zaroor hote hain. Aur kisi bhi cadet ko iss baat par shaq nahi hona chahiye.’

He nodded to himself, leaning back on the chair.

‘Monami Mahajan, zindagi mein kabhi bhi mushkil hogi, toh main hamesha rahunga. Jahan support ki zaroorat padegi, wahan support karne, aur jahan protect karne ki, wahan protect karne ke liye. Aur uss time bhi, jab tum khud cheezen handle kar paogi aur sirf appreciate karne ke liye koi chahiye hoga.’

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Koel turned in her bed, clutching the blanket close. She stared at the ceiling. A small smile played on her face.

‘Special Agent Major Faizuddin Siddiqui. Hume sab Faizi bulaate hain. Aapke trainer hain hum, mahutarma.’

‘Hum tumhe apna dost maante hain, aur tumse milna hume achha lagta hai.’

‘Humaare dil ki bahut fikar hai aapko. Hume achha laga.’

‘Teri aur Faizi Sir ki toh bahut achhi banti hai. Tujhe woh pasand hai kya?’

She bit her lip, hugging the spare pillow close. She smiled.

‘Do hafte pehle puchha toh laga tha ki nahi, woh aur main sirf dost hain. Par ab, lag raha hai, dost nahi. Dost se thoda sa zyaada hai hi. Thoda sa nahi, thode se thoda aur bhi zyaada.’ She sighed happily. ‘I like him.’

She sat up in bed. ‘Ab kya karoon? Date par puchhoon? Waise bhi hamesha flirt karte rehte hain, haan kar denge? Par chaahe flirt kare ya na kare, hain toh senior. Agar bas nature aisi hui, toh?’

‘Puchh toh nahi rahe the par agar haan hai, toh hume koi problem nahi.’

‘Sach mein interested hain ya bas aise hi? Flatter toh sabko hi karte rehte hain. Puchh loon date par? Agar mana kar diya, toh? Kitna awkward ho jaayega.’

‘Hum tumhe apna dost maante hain, aur tumse milna hume achha lagta hai.’

‘Par agar dost hain aur sach mein milna pasand hai, toh sorry bolungi agar mana kar diya, aur kahungi bhool jao. Itne achhe toh hain hi ki mujhe zyaada awkward nahi karenge.’ She nodded to herself. ‘I will go tomorrow and ask him for a date.’ She took a deep breath.

She smiled, falling back on the bed. Her smile faded slightly. She turned on her stomach, staring at the wall.

‘Nikhil se baat karni padegi pehle. Agar usne mana kar diya toh? Nahi, nahi, mere bacche ki approval sabse pehle. Jab tak Nikhil dating ke liye haan nahi karta, no date.’ She deflated. ‘Yeh realization kal nahi ho sakti thi? Ab agle Sunday ke liye ek poora hafta wait karna padega.’ She let her head fall back. ‘Permission ke bina date ke liye nahi puchh sakti, aur Sunday tak permission lene ke liye call nahi kar sakti. Usi ka call aa jaaye kaash, warna toh koi yahan se call karne dega nahi.’

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Faizi watched the clock tick by slowly.

“Aankhein bahar gir jaayengi”, Karan said. “Ghoorna band kar. Aisa kya kar diya clock ne?”

He turned his head to look at him. “Hume abhi abhi kuchh realize hua.”

Karan raised his eyebrows. He kept the laptop down, watching him expectantly. “World peace ka solution mil gaya kya tujhe? Itna serious?”

“Hume toh kabhi samay milega hi nahi.”

“Kis cheez ke liye?”

“Koel ko date par lekar jaane ke liye. Kuchh na kuchh kaam toh hamesha lag hi rahega. Agar hum aise hi wait karte rahe, toh hum Koel ko puchh hi nahi paayenge.”

Karan stared at him. He closed his eyes, covering his face with his hand. “Seriously?”

“Kya hua?”

“Faizi… tu…” He shook his head. “Itna serious tha mujhe laga kuchh dhang ka socha hoga. Yeh? Yeh socha hai tune?”

“Hume use sach mein bahut pasand karte hain. Aur tum hume encourage karne ki jagah yeh sab bol rahe ho.”

His eyebrows creased into an affronted expression. “Main encourage nahi kar raha? Saale, tere hisse ka kaam tak karne ko taiyaar hoon taaki tu uske saath date par jaa sake, aur main encourage nahi kar raha? Tu… tu baat mat kar mujhse. Maine goli maar deni hai tujhe.”

“Achha, Janaab, gussa mat ho. Hum… chodho aap. Hum keh rahe the ki hum Koel ko date par puchhte hain, na?”

“Tu pehle puchhkar aa, phir baat karna. Tu jaata hai, us mein kho jaata hai aur phir duniya jahan ki baatein kar leta hai, par jo baat karni hai, woh nahi karta. Jab actually puchh le, toh aana bataane.”

Faizi nodded, turning back to glare at the clock.

“Clock ko ghoorna band kar, Faizi! Kar kya raha hai tu?"