A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update. :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
Ps. Wishing each and every one of you a very Happy Diwali and a very prosperous New Year as well! <3 <3
26th October, 1996:
Home.
Finally after eight months, I'm home.
It's Diwali and Mota Babuji wanted Baba and myself to have a week's off, so we decided to come back home. Ofcourse it's not what we planned at first, but that's how plans always materialize. We wanted to call Maa over for the vacations, but she insisted that we come to the village because everybody wanted to meet us. Honestly, people have been treating me and Baba like some sort of celebrity, and it's downright unnerving.
Baba has spent most of these three days only talking about the city and its life. Oddly enough, he tells it in such a way that it makes our lives look grand. Although it isn't, but strange is the power of the spoken word, really. Maa, however, is smarter than the rest. She is undoubtedly smitten by all the stories just like all the others. But unlike them, she knows to draw the line between truth and exaggeration. And as uneasy as it makes me to admit this, she knows exactly what's going on.
It was barely a day when we returned back to our home when Baba accidently mentioned my ragging incident. Honestly, I've never seen anyone looked as batty and demented in rage as my mother looked in those few hours to come. Baba not only received a three-hour long lecture, but I'm sure that he received some pretty sustaining threats as well. But what baffled me the most was that even I got a three-hour lecture!
I was the victim over here, not the bully! And yet my mother lectured me like I was the latter! Ballistic between yelling and crying and hugging me and slapping me, I've not understood a single point that she's told me except catch onto a few things like 'I'd die without you', 'Do you have any idea what could have happened?!', 'How will I ever thank your friend and her parents!' and 'How could you do this to me?'. Never, ever have I been this terrified of my mother in my entire life!
After several more threats that involved not sending me back to Mumbai (which I opposed vehemently in spite of the fact that I don't really like the place), during which Baba and I pacified her tactfully, she finally relaxed. We kept our mouth shut about Baa's behaviour, only telling Maa that she's the 'typical' mistress that one can see in a high-class society. I did not feel entirely comfortable with the way she looked at us in that moment, but we silently let that pass.
We, however, more than compensated these two unfortunate memories with lauding praises for Mota Babuji and Ishaani, the mention of Falguni Maa popping up every now and then in tow. Maa looked considerably better by the end of it all although she astutely remarked that I spoke too much about Ishaani. Mothers. How they come to know about these things goes beyond me. This must have been the first time that I lied to her. That too, looking her right in the eye, about my feelings for Ishaani. And I did it reasonably well.
She's happy that I did find a good friend in Ishaani, even though a lecture accompanied alongsode. She tells me that I'm never to forget the fact that at the end of the day, they're our masters and loyalty should always be my first priority. I don't argue, but retain her piece of advice. She's always knowledgeable in such things and it's better to keep such things in mind instead of argue. You never know.
Speaking of not knowing, there's another funny thing that has happened. The dreams have stopped. I haven't had another dream since that cliff incident. It's like I broke free of the dream when I broke through those invisible bonds and I'm feeling much saner now. I don't know what those dreams in these past four meant, but I think it's safe to say that I'm done and happy to get shot of them. They were too creepy for my own good.
Even though it has got 99% pros, I cannot deny that I miss Love. Her company was something I loved having every night in spite of my bizarre situation and her presence was something which gave me hope and helped me pull on through the dream. She was eccentric at times, I admit, but there was something... loving, about her. I think I'm smitten with her, even though I have no idea what she looks like.
But there was something very personal and realistic about these dreams that clung on to me even though I was only too eager to let go. It was as though... they were a part of me. Something I was incomplete without, yet something that terrified me to the last pore on my skin. But still, even though I feel a little odd without the dreams, I'm much happier without them too. Waste not, want not.
If I were to ever mention this to Ishaani, I'm sure she'd have a riot time laughing her head off. It goes without saying that she never comes to know about this. Obviously not. But then again, now that the dreams are over, maybe it's safe to tell her. Or is it? Ugh, this is all too confusing. But never mind it now - I'll get to burning that bridge later.
And that reminds me - today is Diwali! Ishaani wanted to celebrate Diwali with me but unfortunately, we couldn't. She was pretty sad and upset about it, but she also knew how badly I wanted too see Maa, especially after my birthday. I can't believe that even that was like a month ago! Time is flying by too fast and there's a lot more happening than I can process.
But all that can wait. Everything can wait, because even time has an empty pocket where everything comes to a halt. It's only fair that it should do so now. There is something entirely... bewitching about the aura of Diwali that makes everything worthwhile. Not just the historical aspect of Ram emerging victorious over Raavan and returning back with Sita Maa, or even the moral aspect of good always winning in the end. No. It's the essence of happiness that makes it all worthwhile.
This evening, I stood by the doorpost of my cottage for atleast an hour where I could see my parents, all my relatives, neighbours and friends bursting crackers and decorating their houses with rangoli and diyas and several other types of flowery decorations, making and distributing sweets wholeheartedly. But all that remained immaterial to me because I was too busy noticing something else on their faces. That something was a genuine smile, something that stemmed for real happiness.
In those few hours, I could not even see a single shred of pain or worry or even sadness in anyone's eyes for they were swarmed by insurmountable happiness - a happiness that brought along hope; a happiness that brought along love. In these days, all everybody can think about is good. All they can feel is happy. And this particular observation intrigues me every year.
People say that it is hard to find happiness in this cruel world. But the fact is that happiness is right in front of us all along - we just have to look within us to find it. We are our own light to the darkness we crouch and shudder underneath, our own hope for the despair we forcefully create for ourselves. It's something so easy to think about but equally difficult to remember when you actually need to do so. But that's just it - it is right in front of us but we fail to see it.
And I've learnt in these eight months that money or luxuries don't give you happiness always. Sure, it is more comfortable to feel content when you are sleeping over a plushy mattress than over a khatiya that literally hurts your back. It is much easier to wear clothes of much softer fabric than the rough cloth of your kurtas. And it is certainly much more comfortable to eat better and more varied things at a richer household even if it is their stale dahi, dal and rice for three days straight.
But none of these define true happiness.
My definition may differ from several others, but maybe we all believe in the same. For me, happiness is when I do my job properly and see Mota Babuji looking at me proudly. For me, happiness is when Falguni Maa strokes my cheek lovingly every time I do up her room properly. For me, happiness is when I manage to bring a smile up on Ishaani's face every time she is upset or sad about something. For me, happiness is when I see Baba look at me proudly every time Mota Babuji praises me. For me, happiness is when Maa smothers me with all the love the way she does. For me, my happiness lies in their happiness.
Sometimes, happiness does not need a reason to be felt. It's something that everybody deserves to feel - pure, whole and abundant. Happiness is something you do not have to pay a price for, but it makes everything worthwhile. Maybe that's why we light up diyas every Diwali - to remind us that even though happiness may be as strong as a wick flame, it's there nonetheless. Maybe that's why we make rangolis - to remind us that though we may see only black and darkness, there will always be those colours that will come to our relief.
Maybe that's why we use so many flowers - to remind us that no matter how bland your life may be, you will always have nature's fragrance to realize what you truly have. Maybe that's why we make sweets and distribute them around - to remind us that no matter how bitter we are, there is always a little amount of sweetness that can evoke that spirit of happiness. Myabe that's why we light crackers - to remind us that happiness can come sometimes in crackling sparkles.
And tonight as I watched Maa and Baba celebrating Diwali with that ecstatic smile on their faces, I felt my pains from the last eight months fade away. In that moment, I realized that everything kept aside, the happiness on the faces of the two people I loved the most in this world were all that mattered to me, afterall. I'd found my simple happiness in my parents along with a very striking thought that left behind a sweet flavor of its own.
Maybe, Diwali was not about good winning over evil always. It might simply be about happiness emerging victorious above all.Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 18
Rihana, yearning to break free from the predetermined fate of being a tawaif's ...
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