Chapter 12
A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
11th May, 2008:
And finally everything's back to normal between Ranveer and myself!
We had a nice long conversation just now, and I think it was hands down our best one in these seven months. He clarified things from his end, I clarified things from my own and we both apologized to each other and made it up. And I know that I was just being stupid about the whole thing, but well, sometimes you can't help it. Chirag sat me down last week and made me understand this that everyone has got their priorities in life, and Ranveer is no different. He just doesn't have my own needs to cater to but he has to see to everyone's, starting from his parents.
Chirag was pretty blunt with me and I won't say that it didn't prick, but he was right as well. He told me how selfish I'd been by always putting my needs above Ranveer's and how I was being so unreasonable and was still being an obstacle in his way emotionally by behaving like a five-year old child. He also told me how I had to let Ranveer become independent so that he could achieve what he wanted to in life without having to look back every two days and find himself bound by me, who just keeps making his life more and more difficult for some reason or the other.
Chirag says that the only way that we can give each other some space is if we stop being so overly dependent upon each other because it's not healthy for emotional development. I wanted to tell him 'codswallop', but the word just froze upon my tongue as something just hit me suddenly. I knew that what Chirag was saying was right because I knew how much all this must have affected Ranveer. I may have been selfish enough to ignore his feelings back during my birthday, but now that I recollect all those pleas for forgiveness and the despair in his voice, I actually realize how much hold I have upon Ranveer.
Chirag was right - we couldn't continue like this.
And I knew what was to be done, yet I was so afraid of phoning Ranveer up. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was cowardice. I don't know, but something kept coming in the way every time I landed upon Ranveer's name in my phone. And then two days ago, Ranveer finally called up. It was awkward at first, because... well, our last conversation was just plain messy and it wasn't even nice to think about all the things that I must have told him in my ire and grief. But still, he was Ranveer.
Like always, he understood mr and he forgave me.
And the moment apologies were exchanged, our conversation slowly got back to normal. We talked about each other's studies, his new job at the stock exchange and about life in Sydney and Mumbai and about all of the latest developments. Somehow, Chirag's name never left my lips even once even though there were so many things that I wanted to talk to Ranveer about him and take his advice upon. There were so many things that I couldn't understand when it came to what was going on between Chirag and myself and I needed answers. And I knew that Ranveer would have them all.
And yet I didn't say a single word about Chirag to him. Why I couldn't, or rather didn't, I don't know. Maybe I was just afraid to voice out my thoughts because they sounded stupid. Or because voicing them out loud would mean that they were true. Or may be because I know that it would just rattle Ranveer up and make him get worried about me again and I didn't want to do anything of the sort when we'd just sorted things out between us. Chirag is right - I've gotten so dependent upon Ranveer that I feel like a puppet without a puppeteer without him. I just don't know anything!
I don't even know whether I just see Chirag as a best friend or whether I actually have a crush upon him!
There, I said it! You're the only person who I have the guts to admit this in front of, because I sure as heck couldn't do it in front of Ranveer. We must have spoken about everything, and yet the biggest confession went unsaid between us. The only thing that I might have spoken related to Chirag was for both of us needing to stop being this dependent upon each other and to give each other that freedom to live our own lives upon our own terms for the next three months with a phone call once a month since the letter system clearly wasn't working at all.
Ranveer gave it good thought and did seem to agree that I'd be best for both of us to maintain that distance that'd help us both focus upon our careers and our lives till he returned back. And it's been seven months already! Just another year and five months and everything will go back to normal. Both of us warmed up to this and reminisced about the old days with our stargazing sessions and it was a pleasant nostalgia. I haven't stargazed in seven months and neither has he, and we both agreed that it'd be the first thing that we'd do together once he returned back from Sydney.
And throughout the conversation, there wasn't even once where I brought up Chirag or even missed talking about him because it was so satisfying talking to Ranveer like this after so long! And it made me realize that even though I had all these deep and meaningful conversations with Chirag that I absolutely loved and looked forward to, it wasn't the same as with Ranveer. Those conversations missed the essence that Ranveer would give me, the solace that his twinkling eyes would give me with all those pools of chocolate in them.
But that doesn't mean that I don't get the feels with Chirag. Oh, I so do because those conversations with Chirag are another level altogether, just like they would be with Ranveer. Sometimes, it's as though I'm talking to Ranveer itself. And this is exactly why I need to stop being so dependent upon Ranveer because I keep trying to find his essence everywhere, even where it's not required! And honestly, Chirag's been so terribly patient with me because I don't think that any other guy would have taken it.
And that's why I like him so much!
There's something about the way Chirag is that's just... perfect! He's just like the dream guy that I've always dreamt about - smart, funny, caring, loving, humble, grounded, sensitive, and protective of me. A hundred adjectives would fall short to describe him and how truly astounding he is. My classmates tell me that I've gotten the look of a love-sick puppy these days and how I talk so much about Chirag all the time. They say that I have a crush upon him but I rubbished it all out.
I can't have a crush... I mean, I've never had one!
And yet... it's different, what I feel for Chirag because I've never felt anything like this. Especially the butterflies that I get at his name and the embarrassing dreams. Oh, the dreams are just plain embarrassing. In a way, it's definitely better than watching Ranveer get murdered in cold blood, but they're definitely embarrassing, especially the stupid smile I wake up with. There's nothing wrong with the dreams... Just the two of us holding hands and taking long walks in the park or along the beach line, like we often do in real as well.
My dreams feel so real at times that it's just plain surprising. But in them, there's a tug I feel in my heart every time he smiles at me that's both exhilarating and strange. It's like as though his eyes had a story of his own to tell as he'd cup my cheek and gaze at me relentlessly, the power of it making my soul shiver as I felt my senses tingle. And then I wake up abruptly with the tingling in my heart and the butterflies in my stomach and it's all so silly. But I've never felt this way before and it feels so strange!
I've even tried Google for this and a couple of books from the library and they all seem to tell the same thing - classic signs of a crush, normal for teenagers to feel so. Hormonal changes. But I'm not normal now, am I? Ranveer knows how... different I am from the rest of the girls. Then how can something like this happen to me?! And to think that all my life I've scoffed at people who've 'crushed' on others. Everybody must be having a good laugh at me now. Had Ranveer been here, he'd have helped me out with all this. But even that option isn't there for me now.
Damn it, why did everything have to happen when he wasn't around only!? And I don't even know what to do with this 'crush' as well. Should I tell Chirag? No, that'd just be stupid, especially since I'm sure that he doesn't feel anything like that for me. He smiles like that at everyone, then why would I be any different? But what about all those lingering handshakes at times that's just... different? He doesn't do them with others, it's just our thing. No, it must be a friendly gesture only. I'm thinking too much.
Argh, why is all this so confusing and why did this have to happen with me out of all people? I was so happy being such great friends with him and now I had to just go ahead and come out with this stupid crush thing. But wait... Didn't they also say that this crush thing is a phase that passes off as well eventually? Not always, but most of the time, yes. Maybe it would happen with me as well. Yes, that's it! It's just a phase! A very stupid one albeit, but it's just a phase! I just need to remain cool about it and it'll pass off. I need not have to tell Chirag anything. It'll go away on its own.
The dilemma of unknown feelings surfacing... It feels like a winding path down a wild forest in the dark where I don't know where I am headed towards or what I'm heading into. I'm just walking towards nothing and everything, hoping that with time, I'd learn to find my own way through the wilderness and into the arms of where my solace lay. Till then, it's a dark, never-ending journey of discovery and self-discovery of all of my unexplored emotions.
Did I just write this paragraph?
Oh my God, for the sake of my own sanity I hope it's just a phase!
-x-
16th July, 2008:
It's not a phase!
Damn it, it's been five months since all these squishy-squashy feelings and its all still there, only getting more and more with every passing day! They say that an average crush lasts four fours months at a minimum, but this does not even feel like a crush anymore. Instead of passing off, it's only intensifying more and more until I think that my face will remain permanently red now!
Even Sharman bhaiyya was saying the other day how 'love-struck' I look these days around Chirag where I just end up zoning out whenever I stare at him. Honestly, this was so embarrassing coming from him, especially since he's always been like the older brother I've never had. But he's been pretty cool about it. I didn't have to tell him any of this and he understood it all. He told me that it was a part and parcel of life and it had to happen some time or the other. He even asked me whether Chirag knew about this but well... I think he knew the answer even before I shook my head.
If Sharman bhaiyya wasn't enough, then even Devarsh has joined the bandwagon with all the sly looks and the unnecessary coughs whenever Chirag is around. The fool will get me into big, big trouble some day with all these antics of his. And these two just keep asking all sorts of things to Chirag the whole time he's here and half of the questions are so ridiculous, it's as though they're actually interrogating him to see whether he's worthy of being my crush or no. Brothers. But Chirag's been so sporting and Sharman and Devarsh are both pretty impressed with him.
Sharman bhaiyya and Devarsh will both be leaving next week and might come around September I guess for the Ganesh pooja like every year. They were both happy hearing about Ranveer and asked me about how I was coping without him since we were inseparable, and I think my answer surprised them. It surprised me as well about how well I was taking it now. But Maa tells me that's how life is - long and detailed letters turning into shorter ones day by day until the gaps turn from days into weeks, weeks into months and finally into years until it stops entirely. Phone conversations keep decreasing in length until a time comes when seeing the caller id is in itself a sheer surprise.
It wasn't a nice feeling when Maa told me this six months ago, but I think I see her point now. That's life. You eventually have to move on and keep running ahead because going back or remaining stagnant isn't an option. And both Ranveer and I are doing the same thing - running towards our goals and dreams that we'd seen to accomplish one day soon in the future and make Papa proud of us. Yes, it's been a quite a long time since I've spoken about Ranveer, or even thought about him to this extent, I guess. I've been so occupied with Chirag and these new feelings that everything else has just been a haze, I guess.
Both of my cousins are surprised that I managed to make a new and such a close friend so quick given my nature, but well... there's a first time for everything. Just like this stupid 'crush-like' phase. But honestly, how is it possible not to like Chirag? He's just so giving and helping! Just yesterday only he and Sharman bhaiyya were discussing the latter's assignment on five corporate law case studies globally with regards to major scams in this decade carried our primarily by the internal control of an organization and Chirag was just giving Sharman bhaiyya the indepth analysis on the $8 billion Paazee Forex scam that's just come into light.
It was just mesmerizing, the way he kept talking about it and the amount of knowledge he had upon the same. I always thought that Chirag was one of those guys who was more of an academics person than an application one but he proved me so wrong. And his knowledge doesn't even just remain bound to stock markets and corporate law. Two days back, he and Devarsh were having some kind of weird discussion of splenectomy or something and the breakthroughs that were happening. I mean seriously, how much can he know?
And then just the other day only, Papa was having trouble deciding upon which company's shares to invest in given the slight crunch in the markets. Chirag so readily gave him advice in spite of his father being Papa's biggest competitor in the market like that. Papa has been going through a slight crunch himself ever since Ranveer's left, but then again the two of them discuss things related to the stock markets once in every twenty days now I think. But Chirag just so readily helped Papa that even I was surprised. And not just helped, but the advice was spot on. Papa managed to churn a good profit of around thirteen lakhs from it.
Be it anyone, Chirag is just there for everyone over here. Even Baa, in spite of whatever happened between the two of them. But more than everyone, he's always there for me. Ever since that argument with Baa, she hasn't dared to speak another word against me or even make my life miserable anymore. She's just left me to be. And not just at home, but even outside, Chirag stands up for me every time someone is on the verge of telling me something mean or unwelcome, and God forbid they do, well, he just rains hell upon them.
And it's not just for me that he stands up for. Even his helpers at home and his drivers. Just a month ago he gave them all bonuses as well since I think Uncle and Aunty had not given them sufficient ones in Diwali. And even though he had to fight with his parents for it, he managed to convince his parents and make them give all of their helpers their rightful bonuses as well. I would have thought that Chirag was exaggerating had I not seen this with my very own eyes because this whole scene happened right in front of me as I watched him fight heart and soul.
How can I not respect him a little more with every passing day after this? How can I not like him a little more after this? And it's only getting difficult day by day to keep my emotions in check when all I want to do is confess to him how much I really like him and admire him. Why is it so difficult to really? And then Sharman bhaiyya and Devarsh have to go ahead and make it all the more awkward for me with all the weird and funny advises they keep giving me about how to go forward with it. No wonder both of them don't have a girlfriend. Boys are such idiots, I swear.
And Chirag is the biggest one of all. Argh, why does he have to be so... I don't know, perfect? I so want to get out of this phase and go back to the way I used to be - carefree with a simple life and a simple friend just like I'd be with Ranveer. Wow, how long has it been since I last spoke about him over here? I need to turn back the pages and check. It feels so odd, not having spoken about him, or to him for such a long time and yet it doesn't feel so wrong somehow now that Chirag is there. It's like I've found my way to cope with Chirag, and he's found a way to cope with that Australian friend of his.
Maybe I'll talk to him the next month (as was our decided date) and tell him about my confused feelings for Chirag and take his advice. Maybe not, I don't know. I don't want to tell him about all this because I know that it'll distract him, but I don't know what to do either. I really wish that I had an answer as to how to go about with this from this point forth, but I've drawn up to a blank. I wish that I'd atleast even be able to paint, but I can't even bring myself up to do that. It's like I've just... lost interest in doing those paintings after my birthday and even though there's just one last one left about where I want to see Ranveer in life, I just haven't been able to bring myself up to paint it. It's as though I've lost inspiration.
How I wish my life hadn't gotten so complicated.
-x-
6th September, 2008:
AAAHHH!
Finally, the torture comes to an end today! I don't know why I blurted it out to Chirag, but I'm glad that I did because his response just... well, he likes me too! Oh my God, you don't know how good it feels that I didn't make a fool of myself and that it wasn't a heart breaker! I honestly cannot even imagine right now what I'd have felt had he told me that he just saw me as a friend and nothing more.
Fine, I'll tell you everything! So you know how the house has been on fire since the last two months with Gauri di's marriage preparations going on in full swing. Today was the engagement and needless to say that it's been such a hectic day, that don't ask. Well, there's enough complications and politics going on as it is around here (as is to be typically expected) but the worst of all is Gauri di's own problems to which I don't know how to help her out.
She finished her and was working as a Maths teacher in Pune itself when she fell in love with this guy, Pranav. He was one of her students' older brother who'd come to pick his brother up from school regularly. And somehow the two of them became friends and from there they fell in love. But the worst thing is that the moment Gauri di returned back to Mumbai to tell us all about Pranav, she got the shock of her life when Baa had already called over a family to meet her the next day for a prospective groom.
Gauri di didn't tell anyone about Pranav except for me, and even that too because I caught her crying in her room and she was forced to tell me all about it. I've been trying to convince her since two months but she's just so afraid, especially since she knows that even if her mother will agree for it, Baa never will because the woman is dead against love marriages. And nobody in their right mind would go against Baa and try to convince her otherwise (well, excluding Chirag since he's a specimen), and since then seeing Gauri di suffer in her love like that has been breaking my heart every single day.
During this two months, Baa finally decided upon a boy for her. Romil Shah. Decent family, decent background and decent wealth. Just what Baa is only ever interested in. Neither did Gauri di nor Kaki have a say in this but who's bothered anyway? The house is run by Baa so naturally all the decisions lie with her itself. We are all just puppets in her hand anyway. I wonder why she doesn't herself get married to Romil herself since she loves deciding everything on her own. *rolls eyes*
Er, never mind. Where was I?
Oh yeah, Gauri di.
In these two months, I've met Pranav several times and its evident that they're madly in love with each other, but there's no chance in hell that Baa is going to allow for it because not only would this be a love marriage, but an intercaste one as well. I even told Gauri di to elope and get married if things got to the worst, but she just won't listen! She's mad! She says that she'll marry Pranav only after convincing everyone at home, and Pranav has the same thing to say. His parents have already accepted her as their daughter-in-law so it's just our family now.
I think maybe it was because of Gauri di and seeing everything that's happening that I must have blurted it out to Chirag. But well, what he did today was kinda unbelievable so maybe it was that too. And you know what did our Sir Chirag do today? He became a valet parking driver today! Honestly, the things he does just makes me marvel his capacity to go to all lengths just for my happiness and for my family's reputation.
I don't know what happened but there was a shortage in the valet staff at the last minute because of some internal tiff going on between them and the management that ended up with just six of them on the job to cater for more than four hundred guests. Well, things were getting out of hand with the guests getting irked and annoyed with their cars being treated so carelessly and them getting so delayed that the guests started a little raucous of theirs outside the venue. Papa, Chirag and I went outside to see what the commotion was all about when the head of the valet came and told us about the problem.
It wasn't even two minutes after the valet started speaking when Chirag asked him to give him the keys. The valet looked rather taken aback but he handed over some of the keys to Chirag and pointed out the cars to him on the latter's insistence. Without wasting another second, he shooed all the guests into the house and quickly organized the valet drivers to take the cars as soon as they could while he himself took charge and began parking off some of the cars.
I followed his lead and did the same thing as I sent Papa inside. After forty five minutes, we finally managed to get some semblance back into order. I got down from one of the cars when I notice Chirag parking away one of the last cars remaining behind. He looked at me with surprise.
"Ishaani? What- what're you doing here? I thought you were inside," he added and I shook my head tiredly. God, this was such an exhausting job! I wonder how Ranveer used to do all this plus manage his studies as well.
"No, I've been parking away the cars too since the past forty-five minutes," I replied and Chirag shot me a reprimanding look. I'm sure that all the make-up that my mother had forced upon my face must have come off with the heat of the night. Atleast I must be looking human and not some sort of pale ghost.
"Ishaani, you should be with Gauri today. What're you doing here?"
"It's alright. Anyways it's not like anyone must be missing me inside. And I can't watch Gauri di be so sad on her engagement day. Besides, you needed more help," I added thoughtfully and he gave me a smile.
"Thanks. Would you like to give me some company parking away this one? It's been really boring," he added with a disgruntled sigh and I couldn't help but chuckle. He'd worn a nice cream sherwani but he looked rather stuffed in it because of the heat. But he looked good nonetheless.
"Sure," I replied as the two of us made our way towards the last idle car and took our respective seats.
Chirag quickly put the car in the last remaining slot and let out a sigh of relief as he shot me a quick grin. He was about to get down from the car when I caught his hand.
"Why'd you do this?" I asked, and he looked confused.
"Do what?" he asked in return and I gave him a deadpan look.
"Park the cars," I emphasized and he looked sheepish suddenly.
"Well someone had to now, didn't they? Besides, no work is small or big as long as its work. If I'd have kept the ego of being a rich guy's son and not parking the cars, the function would have gotten messed with all the chaos. Makes no sense now, does it?" he asked of me and I nodded my head as I remembered Ranveer telling me something like this just days before he left for Sydney.
"Ranveer would always do things like this. Thinking about others... putting their needs first upon his. He'd once even fainted in the parking area doing something like this when he wasn't well. And then there was you today, who didn't need to do any of this and yet you did. Why?" I asked suddenly as my eyes scanned his own beseechingly for an answer.
He gave me a startled look, as though my question took him by surprise.
"Because I didn't want your family to face any sort of unnecessary issue. A marriage-decked house is always brimmed with loads of things to be done with apart from all this nonsense," he replied, looking slightly uncertain even though he refused to break eye contact with me.
What was it about his eyes that just... sapped me of all my breath?
"Is that all?" I asked, suddenly feeling a tension rise in between us that'd arise whenever we had awkward moments like this since this past one month.
Well, these past two months alone have been pretty funny upon me with my own mood swings and fluctuating low phases that keep popping up suddenly for no good reason. But the tension was paramount between myself and Chirag in that moment, that much I was certain about.
"And well, I didn't want you to get upset or worked up because of this. I don't like seeing you sad, you know that," he explained and the affection in his voice didn't go amiss by me.
And it made me smile sadly. Oh how I wish I hadn't worn such a heavy lehenga with all the jewelry right now even though the pretty peacock colours I loved. It all just seemed to suffocate me in that moment.
"Why?" I managed to choke out, my heart suddenly beating uncontrollably fast, as though it would explode any minute. It was a surprise that Chirag couldn't hear it beat.
"Because you're my best friend, that's why," he replied instantaneously and both of us gasped together at his answer.
"Best friend?" I asked, my voice hollow with disbelief.
I didn't know that he saw me as his best friend. I always thought that I was just a normal friend. It felt good to know that I meant as much to him as much he meant to me, if not more so.
"Well, I certainly see you as one. I've never had any before," he added lamely, and I don't know what got into me when he gave me that sad smile. The next five words left my lips even before I could actually fathom what was happening.
"I really like you, Chirag.""What?" he asked after five whole minutes of thick silence.
He looked shocked, the colour gone from his face as though he clearly did not believe what I'd just said. I had half a mind to leave the car than sit in this unbearable silence, but I decided to repeat my statement anyway again.
"I like you," I repeated, slightly louder this time. He just looked surprised.
"Err, as in?" he asked, his brows crunching in bewilderment. Honestly, I just felt like smacking him in that moment. How could someone as smart as me be as stupid as this?!
"No- nothing," I said stiffly, the urge to leave the car even more so than usual. This was so not going the way I expected it to and I could already feel it break my heart a little. Assumed too quick.
"No, it's okay. You can tell me," he added kindly and I gave him an irritated huff as I repeated the same thing for the third time.
"I like you," I emphasized, and this time his eyes finally widened with a more appropriate reaction.
"Like a 'crush with feelings' sort of like you?" he asked and I nodded my head half-heartedly. Before he could say anything further, I plunged into speech once again.
"Yes. Look I know that you don't even like me that way and you just see me as your friend, but I just wanted to get this off my chest so I let you know. I hope things don't get awkward between us," I explained and he gave me an unfathomable look as his eyes were beyond my level of deciphering. What was going on in his mind, I really don't know.
"I don't know what to- coming!" he suddenly yelled out as Shweta Aunty had just entered the car parking area in that moment, calling out his name.
Snapping out from the moment, both of us got down from the car hurriedly and made our way towards the hall behind Shweta Aunty in silence till we reached the entrance. Apparently everyone were waiting for Chirag and I to come back to start the ring ceremony. I was about to walk in when Chirag gently caught my wrist and pulled me to the side.
"Chirag, I-" I began as he looked at me with an apologetic look.
I didn't know what he was about to say but the look in his eyes did certainly amnage to melt my heart into a pudding. How did he always manage to do that?
"I really like you too, Ishaani," he said finally, and the passion in his voice stirred something within me as we both stared at each other in silence. I was so sure that a 'but' was coming somewhere.
"But-?" I asked hesitantly, not wanting to get my hopes up. He let out a small chuckle, shaking his head.
"No buts. I do like you too. A lot. And had you not told me about this, I was planning on telling you about it after Gauri's wedding," he whispered quickly and I flushed. Well, I hadn't thought about what was to happen from here onwards.
"Gee, this is embarrassing," I said awkwardly, but all he did was give me a loving smile.
"Is it?" he asked, interlocking his fingers within mine and pulling it up for both of us to see.
I swear it wasn't as he held my hand firmly and we walked inside the hall together. Almost all eyes fell upon the two of us and our interlocked hands that quickly separated underneath their scrutiny but I think I didn't give a damn for the first time. I was genuinely happy after a very, very long time and I would not let anyone take that away from me today. Maa and Papa gave me a small smile before I separated from Chirag and made my way towards them, Baa looking rather annoyed with my happiness.
The ring exchanging ceremony began and with it the Gujrati folklore and garba, along with the chatter of the crowd who'd now joined into the happiness of the now-engaged couple. Oh, the rest of the party seemed to glow extra bright for me (in spite of Gauri di's somber mood) with all the dance and laughter and food and music. But mainly because Chirag was right beside me throughout the party with that same loving look in his eyes that made me heart flutter in joy.
There was no weight upon my chest anymore, and it did feel rather empty, I must admit. But I guess this is what the experience of life means. You have to experience everything some time or the other. Maybe it was my time now to experience these things on my own - to make my own judgments and take my own decisions. Without anyone's help, especially Ranveer's. I'm sure that he'd be proud of me. And that's why now, I'm certain for the first time when it comes to Chirag.
I definitely like him a lot more after what he did today.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 91
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