Chapter 8

[MEMBERSONLY]

     Life is teacher, it teach us, test us every now and then, sometimes we will be forced to behave mature than we are, thus have to see beyond everything, must learn to look our life with all possibilities to pursue our happiness. Thereupon, we have to give up on those things which weigh us down. Like I said, I gave up on my chance to be with him and it's not that he loved me, he never did, never tried. After all what he think of me, a hookup. My heart clenched at the mere thought. So I saw beyond what I feel and what I want. I need to be happy whether it's with him or on my own. I deserve to be happy. And want him to be happy. If I have accepted his proposal it would have been in a different format, our life, may be waiting for the judge to grant us our divorce. Or may be living a life, pretending to be happy, fooling ourselves. Neither him nor I deserved that. I'm heartbroken though I'm happy. I hope he is happy too.

   It's been nearly one and half years, Somehow it feels like nothing has changed right now, my heart is beating the same way out loud if anyone taken his, I'm going breathless whenever I think about him. I'm still moping in my love. Regardlessly; I can never move on from my love like I did with him. I have nurtured it with care, nearly for fourteen years. I'll always love him no matter what!. He contacted me in the beginning, we shared one or two words, later I purposely avoided him keeping myself busy. I can't do that to my heart. It's impossible for me to pass a fake smile, a meaningless hand shake or a 'hi' at him as a friend killing my love on the way. My heart and my love needs some respect. 

   Those passed days have been unforgettable days of my life, somehow I learned to live without him, but not to think of him, its impossible. He always there in my mind almost every minute in every ways and actions of my life. I take a deep breath. It doesn't begin to fill the void in my chest, a void that's been present since one thursday morning, a painful hollow reminder of my loss.

     In every part of your life a relationship, a friendship, a job, whatever there's a single worst moment of the whole experience, where everything is as bad as it's going to get, and nothing is ever quite the same after that. The thing is, you never really know what that moment is until its gone. Pete, he is no more, his death brought unremovable grief to our heart. Taken my love's memory briefly out of my system. It's only lasted for three months, again his memory flooded me like a tsunami. I can never get rid of those memories, and I'm afraid I never wanted to.

   As for now my life is empty and blank, there are lot of blanks to be filled, for some no replacement required. Pete and him they both were irreplaceable elements of my life. 

    A low beep sound brought me back from my trance as the elevator slowly came to an halt, I watched the metal doors of the machine mechanically slid open for me to walk out. So this is another normal boring day of my life.

~~~

    I've always thought the best stories,  made the happy ending hard for the main character, though they find their happy ending. In my life; I wish I could rush through all the worst moments, those moments that makes the fictional stories so interesting. But in real, conflict and obstacles were unavoidable some were unsolvable, not that much easy as it's depicted in the serials. 

    Now my unsolvable problems is I'm heading to my home in Kolkata. To flim a Common Wealth Conference which is going to be held in Delhi. It was Nick idea to come here using that as a chance to request his father. Sometimes he can be a pain in the ass, like stubborn five year old, he put my endless conflicts and arguments to futile. Now I'm walking out of the Netaji subash chandrabose international airport with my team of six members excluding me and Nick. It's just 'wow' right. 

   Collecting my bag, I shrug on my jacket and head for the double gate. Out in the early evening winter air of Kolkata or the boiling broth in my stomach makes my spine chill as I walk through the pavement staring ahead contemplating what might come. And him. I shut the door on that thought immediately. No. Don't think about him. Pressing the calling bell I waited for an impact of mount Etna, my father's fury.

~~~

     "Get out." A loud roar resonated throughout our mansion as we stand nervously in front of my father. I peeked down as I felt a hold on my hand. Was welcomed by a shaky hand of Nick. Rolling my eyes, I gave him a assuring blink. 

   "How dare you to touch my daughter?" He thrown his hand hastily away from mine out of pure fear, "you filthy white man." My father spit with venom. This pricked me.

   "You have no reason to talk with my friend like that," I hollered, "you better watch your boneless tongue Shekar." I spit back at him. "This is your hospitality." I decided to use his weakness against him. "This is how you treat your guest. India is well known for it's hospitality." I tried to sound sincere and I did. "And I'm ashamed of calling you as a Indian." I looked at my mom who is trying hard to stifle her laughter. Ignoring her I looked at my father who has his head down. 

   "They aren't my guest." He snapped.

   "So I'm not your daughter anymore." He gave me a helpless look. Crossing my hand over my ribs "Okay let's make it official Mr. Shekar Gododia. Inform this society that you disowned me."  Without spilling any other word, I watch my father walking to his room. Sighing, lowering my head I laughed. My mom joined me, leaving my colleagues and my boss to wonder about the reason. 

~~~

     So the night came, where I left alone in my purgatory. Trying hard to swim across the torturous memories flashing through my mind. The endless talks, holding hands, kissing, cuddling each other, his gentleness, his humor, his brooding sexy stare and his smile. I miss him. One and half years of agony that has left me with an eternal pain.

   I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself tightly, holding myself together. I miss him. I really miss him... I love him. Its simple, though it's complicated.

   I cry myself to sleep most of the nights, wishing I hadn't walked out, wishing that he loved me, wishing that we were together. How long will this ridiculous overwhelming feeling last? My heavy eyelids drooping down, closing my eyes I welcomed the darkness to take me where I want to be. His arms.

---

      I was startled awake by a really loud annoying sound of an alarm blaring in my eardrum. I hastily opened my eyes to see a bulky face of a female who looks like my sister just an inches from mine. I let out the loudest scream I could, she scared the crap out of me. Rolling down my bed fell off of it, landed my chest crashing on to the floor. She busted out laughing for my reaction.

   "That's what you get for not informing about your visit." She said. I managed a 'hiss' after I had getting up on my legs.

   

   "You should know by now that you'll never catch me off guard." With that I lunged at her but was stopped seeing her big round tummy.

     

   "Soo jiju loves to fill your tummy." I told her, winking. Her laughter died as her cheeks turning red, she blushed. 

   "Shut up." 

   "Okay, but before that." I managed to spell in between my snicker, jumping on her side making her off guard, "How are you? I Soo missed you" I hugged her. 

   "I missed you too. I'm happy that you decided to show some mercy on us with your presence." I pouted. 

   "Where is Mr. Funky?" I asked her by taking my place on the bed. 

   "To school." She responded by sitting next to me. 

   "School?.. you sent him to school even after knowing about me." She nodded. What a sister she is. 

 

   "I'm going to getting him back." I reached for my mobile to dial jiju. After reminding myself that I haven't changed my sim. "Give me your phone." Asking her I reached for her hand bag.

   "Why?" 

   "I told you"

   "They won't send their students in between classes, unless it's emergency." She said.

   "I know, that's why I'm going to fill them with the information of his great grandfather death," I said, "just few minutes ago." I added, fishing her hand bag for a mobile.

   "Seriously, Swara I can never expect anything better from your mouth." She scolded me. I'm not in mood to hear her lectures, I need to see my nephew.

    "He is already dead di." I reasoned her. 

    "I'm not allowing you to go with that hideous plan of yours." she grabbed her mobile from my hand. "Tell me about your life there." She asked me by putting her phone back in to her bag. Sometimes I see a bitch in my sister.

   "Okay." I said passively.

   A few minutes have been passed without a word just she looking at me, me looking my hands in my lap. 

    "What happened between you two.?" It was like something weight a ton fell on my shoulders. She sensed my hesitant "you know you can talk to me." Taking a deep breath I told her everything just omitting his invitation for legal sex. 

   "I don't know Swara, he is different now. He is more patience than before, he listens to his father, and he joined the company. And running it successfully." 

     "That's good for him." My voice was very low and dull.

    She took a deep breath. "He asked me about the man you loved." This got me off guard. When I was about ask her what she told him but was interrupted by our mom. Telling us to join the table for breakfast. Asking me to finish my morning stuff, di walked with my mom. Leaving me baffled in my frazzled state.

   When I reached the table, was welcomed by my father's scowl face. 'Not again,' whispering I took my seat, pulled my chair behind me, making a creaking noise in motion. Getting a teeth kiss from my father. Mouthing a sorry I made myself comfortable on the cushioned chair.

   A minute later my team joined us politely as ever, this scared me to death wondered they might got infected with T-virus, may be they became zombies, I laughed myself over my thought. My mom served us. 

    "There is going to be a party around this evening." I sputtered my Kheer allover my plate of food as my father's voice pierced the thin air. This means only one thing that this is not just a party but my suyamvar. Wiping my mouth I looked at my mom, she held an apologitic look on her eyes. I looked at the man who once was my thick friend now behaving like a commander. There was this stern look plastered on his 'getting old' face, demanding me to offend him.

    "Do you have any thing to 'say' about this Swara.?" He locked me with his eyes as he  finished his last word, emphasizing the say. My eyes fell on my sis, with a slight shake of her head she shut my mouth.

    The whole idea of that party thing just sounded crazy. I took a deep breath. Unsure of what to do, I looked into his eyes. They seemed soft, and I could feel my father looking at me. He is definitely going to rub my nose in it. "Uhh... No." I continued with my food.

    Leaving my friends to help my mom with the arrangements, I decided to tour my house alone. Walking around my house reminiscing the old days was the best thing about this trip. Nothing has changed since I've last been here. I had lot of sweet memories and I missed being here with my family. I held the rusted handle of my old bicycle. This was the one of my dearest. I fondle the handle bar, wiping the dust out of it. 

    "I still remember how scared you're to ride alone in that." I found myself nod my head for my father's word. It was still green in my memory how my father asked me to drove it on my own. I was terrified learning that he won't be pushing me. I fell down after few meters. His encouragement had me to drove fast and safe.

    "I missed you papa." The minute those words left my mouth I felt my father's hand on my head, I swiftly turned and hugged him. 

   "I'm proud of you." Was all he said. I nodded. The morning had been passed with our talks. Though that hasn't ended like I expect it to be.  

   He asked me to think about my future. He wanted me to get settled that means marrying someone. How could I?, I can't fool another person. Biting my lips, though I nodded. If I like it or not, I have to do this, at least try this. So it's time for me to find a man who can love me.

  After having a heart to heart talk with my father. Nick showed up to mess my day further. His request to help him find an Indian girl of his like. Despite my protest he fixed my appointment for him. A perfect boss to annoy you.

~~~

 

     In the mirror of my mind, I contrived Sanskaar face the last time I saw him as I left the airport. His tormented expression haunts me. I remember how he wanted me, in a very opposing way than mine, which was odd. Turning on my side, I hug my pillow, filled with an overwhelming sadness. He thinks he can't love again. Why does he feel that way? Why I have to feel this way?

    

    The day drags boringly I spent most of my time on my bed. Feeling the numbness in my muscles I decided to give my muscles a little walk. My legs automatically led me to my closet, opening, my hands pulled a chest from the bottom shelf. Kneeling down, my fingers worked on numeric lock, pulling the lid open, was welcomed by his things which smelled just like him. I felt my heart fleeting, an amused smile crept on my face as I go through those momento of mine. Was deeply consumed in my thought that I didn't notice sharp stares of my father daggering me. Turning my head, I saw him strode towards me. His eyes partly shifting to the chest in front of me. He was crystal clear about those so no words needed.

   "I wanted you to wear this." I shifted my eyes to the box in his hands. "For the evening." in no mood for any argument, I simply held that box. Putting his hands in his pockets, he saunters through the double doors. I frown at his retreating back. The little did he knows that I miss my father. 

 

  The pain in my heart reminded me that the day has finally came. Can I see him again? Could I bear it? Do I even want to see him? I close my eyes and tilt my head back as grief and longing lances through me. Smiling face of him danced at the back of my mind. Of course I do.

~~~

    The evening came along with my nephew, spending some valuable time with him, it was time for me to get ready to face my crux. Gasping, my eyes gawking at the piece which was buried in the carton box, a silver simmer saree with a heavy designed full sleeve closed neck blouse flattened me. 

   Changing, In the large mirror on the wall, I take a long, hard look at my face. I am in my usual pale self, with some add on, dark circles around my too-large eyes. I look forlorn and haunted. May be some concealer will do well with that bags, some eyeliner, a colour of scarlet over my lips, some mascara made me look presentable. Without any parting, I twisted my hair into a bun at my nape. I take a deep breath glanced the mirror once again, the woman who looked back at me was looking beautiful and lost.

    The thought of seeing him had me nervous and overwhelming. What I'll do? Do I cry? Do I ran away? Or do I hug him and tell him that I've changed my mind. No, no, no. I cannot be with someone who can't love me. Oh my. I'm going to see him, and for the first time in 556 days exact, my spirits escalate as I allow myself to ponder how he's been. Has he missed me? May be not. Has he found a new girl who can give him what he wants? The thought is so painful that I dismissed it immediately. 

   Constant bang on my door vandalized those thoughts which overthrown me to my limit. Adjusting my saree. I walked to the doors. Opening, had my face smashed over something, a chest, a chest which belongs to I'm-pain-in-the-ass boss. 

   "Ohh my.. my.. beauty looks really beautiful." He chortled showing of his perfect white teeth. "And you'll have him wrap around your finger." I would have rolled my eyes if I wasn't sullen, I silently walked in to finish with my make up marathon. He followed me to my dresser, leaned on the drawer facing me. 

   "What do you want Nick.?" I literally bit him, though I need to remain calm. And my shaky hands dropped my big white gold with diamonds stud on the dresser.

   "My princess is nervous." He snickered.

   "Nervous?!" I said, "I'm hell scared." Saying, I dropped my weight on the dresser stool. "I don't want to face him." I know my eyes were turning glassy, in my life I never thought that I'll be in this situation, not once. I'm totally stuck here. 

   "Hey Juliet." I lowered my eyes, "look at me." Placing his index finger under my chin he forced me to look at him. "You know you can do this. I'm going to be with you, throughout the party." I nodded. "And you got to help me in finding a perfect bride for me." I shook my head in no, only he can take no as yes. With a big grin he walked out. I shake my head. I have a handful evening to get through first. How am I going to do this? I hurry into the restroom to make last-minute business.

   Nervously I walked out of the washroom seeing my sister waiting for me, I joined her. "Ready?!" She sounded more charismatic. I nod losing my ability to form a word. I looked around as me and my sister walked down the hallway to the stairs which lead us to the hall which lead us to the party hall near the pool.

   We arrived in front of two tall white doors which had symmetric golden flower patterns on each. When I saw my sister hand reaching for the bronze knob, I suck in my breath and the sound of my pumps click on the marbled floor screeched as I came to a sudden halt. "Are you okay?" No, not now and never will be, I said in my mind voice as I found myself horrifiedly looking at the doors, with an arduous sensation breaking through me. Closing my eyes I chanted to myself 'i can do this.' releasing the carbon dioxide out, intake the oxygen to refresh my cells in my brain.

  "You ready?" I looked at my sister and nodded my head once. A feeling of thrill and terror shot through my body. It's going to be a long evening. She smiled as she grabbed my hand, squeezing it slightly, ensuring me about the hypocrisy which about to happen.

   Both doors began to open, revealing a room full of fancy dressed two leged mammals called humans. I chugged an empty mouth as we began to walk in, as uneasiness flood through my blood with the way we were receiving the stares. Well, I was the one to whom those stares were thrown at. The noise which was there before was completely died as we continued with our walking, they just swung their head in my direction to stare at me, how rude. My eyebrows slightly furrowed as I looked around the room. Almost everyone stopped what they were doing to just stare at me. Some sensation called embarrassment shot through my blood. My mind was distracted from those educated mammals as my father walked to us accompanied by jiju. I found my all sensation washed out as my nephew Ryan ran to me with his full smile, I bend a little just to carry him in my hands. 

    "Maasi.. you're looking beautiful." He said meeting his lips with my cheek. I kissed a thank you. And he jumped down and ran away to join his friends. When I turned to my left was welcomed by my father's beaming face. 

   "You look beautiful just like my mother." Trust me I'm not her doppelganger, she was more beautiful than me even in her 60, I narrowed my eyes at him. Then I heard a snicker from my jiju. They all enjoying my Crux. How I hate to be here in this moment. Then my father dragged me along the coast of the hall to introduce me to the eligible bachelors and to their parents. I don't have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want none of it. I have become my own island state, as I stood there with a fake smile and a very bored look. All the while my eyes, they were searching one specific person, yearning to get a single glimpse of him. All praise goes to my lucky stars I never found him in this ocean of peoples. 

   "How is everything going on.?" I heard my mom behind me. I turned to look at her. 

   "I'm not dead yet maa. I think I can survive." I said sarcasm dripping with my every word. 

 

   "Buffet is set at the other bank of the pool." I beamed at her omitting the thought that I might look like a clown with that scarlet on my lips. Only a mother can sense the need of your stomach.

    I nodded my head at her and slowly turned around. I can see the buffet table on the other side of the pool stretching it's hands welcoming me to embrace it, only a small pool bridge stood in between me and my food, coz now I'm too bored to walk along the bank. I took a deep breath as I began, step by step, walking to the bridge. The different types of foods along with the aromas suddenly hit my nose as I closed  distance. Reaching the buffet, filling my plate as soon as possible, turning, was searching a perfect place to have my meal without any disturbance. I found one quite dark place other side of the pool near a big pillar. 

    I was almost there and my stomach gurgled, and I hope no one hears it. My feet suddenly completely stopped working, I couldn't move as I stared directly ahead of me. Unintentionally, our eyes directly met, I couldn't help but suck in my breath, I didn't understand the intensity of his now cold eyes, like a movie I felt everyone around us in the room disappeared, its just him and me, a smoky fog dancing in the ambience. There was this urge, something in me want me to walk to him and kiss him endlessly, Instantly my mind remembered everything from our past. I wanted to run but I was still frozen, he held me still with his cold eyes. I can't run. All this time I've been too scared to face this man, but with the sight of him making me crazy. My heart saying me to walk to him, just by a distance glance my entire body humming for him. But a distant voice in my head is screaming at me to turn away from him this very instant.

      Omitting all the chaos in my mind, my lips moved on it's own accord, it's like that I was compelled to whisper his name. "Sanskaar..." His eyes turned bit darker, his lips parted as he breathed through it.

   And I watched his perfect full lips moving "Swara." Whispered my name. The way my name vibrated on his perfect lips made my knees more weaker.

   I am dazed, standing like a mess with a plate full of food, my hands held the ceramicware for it's dear life. My knees were quite shaky over that five inches stilettos. My chest is heaving to get the oxygen to my lungs. I blink in the darkness, warily I saw as he taken a step towards me. My eyes became wide as he continued walking in my direction. Damnit, I could feel my heartbeat in my throat, along with my body heat increases with his steady pace. I'm a swearing mess now.

   Oh God. A long gasp left my lips as he came to an halt directly in front of me, towering. Even my five inches pumps didn't help me to reach his head, his overpowering Aura suffocating me. He had got total change over, he got some muscles which is taut beneath the Armani he wore, his silk black shirt had top two buttons undone, my eyes lingered on that curly hair under that silk for few seconds. I allow myself a brief moment to examine his godlike face: straight nose, sculptured full lips, hair falling deliciously over his forehead, dark black eyes shining with something which I'll never knew, an arched eyebrows. And with that slight stubble he looks unearthly divine perfect specimen for a Greek god, making me regret my decision all over again. Ohh God!! This perfect specimen is not meant for me, it hurts even to thing about that. And I immediately pushed those thoughts behind my head. 

   He stared at me, not once breaking eye contact. I looked up at him, so desperately wanting him to wrap me in his arms like a puppy, and my mouth goes dry with my constant gaping. Closing my mouth, Now what? That question was playing consistently in my mind. It's useless. I'm here, the man is standing here, what I can do. I know nothing than to be gape. 

    "Swara, can I take this plate?" Paul's voice startled me. After blinking a few times, I looked over to him and nodded. "Hey man, how are you?" I barely heard him ask, "good!" Sanskaar's voice was soo deep and thick as answered him looking at me. 

   

   Shit, he is clenching his jaws. His eyes held a coldness to them as he started down at me. What I did now? Does he becoming the Sanskaar who treats me like a trash. May be, his eyes held the same coldness. Suddenly I felt sick, what if he insults me like how he did it in our past. Ohh!!! It had to happen in any ways. How foolish of me to think differently. 

   Tilting his head, "Hello stranger." My ears clearly got the bitterness in his voice as he said through his gritted teeth. All those passionate thoughts about him gone with his words as I glared back at him. I thought he would walk away once I show my displeasure to him but he always prove me wrong, instead it worked opposite. Our eyes fight for the dominance, neither him nor me dared to move. Unless I felt hands on my shoulder, and watched his blazing eyes moved to my right with a annoyed look. Who is this man? The man standing in front of me is not the Sanskaar I know, I never knew him.

   "Hey baby," Nick slurred in my ears and I exactly know why? I turned my head and smiled at him for helping me in my worst time. Turning his head to face the man in front of me. "Wassup bro?" I watched him as he taken a step forward, pushing me behind, standing in front of me, hiding me from him. I'm really happy to have him as my friend. And I heard nothing from the man, may be he might have nodded his head. I couldn't see him, and I'm not worrying myself about that. 

    "You look different man." Nick said, "You look confident." Confident, man he is intimidating, and Nick moved aside so I can face him, Why?? Why?? Why?. May be he wanted me to see his reaction.

   "For the first time in my life, I know what I want." He said his last three words shifting his intense stare to me. Gasping a little, I gawked at him. A chuckle left Nick's lips as he walked away dragging me with him, I can't walk on my own... 

What I got myself into!!?? 

I hate you Nick.!!

To be continued...

Please share your thoughts about this part. And like this post if you loved your reading.

Love you all,

Kam.

[NOCOPY]