Chapter 5

Pulling out the scarf from his neck, Arnav irritably looked at Khushi who sat morosely on the couch of his living room with her head down. The girl was taking all the sweet time in the world to tell him why she ruined his life, apparently for his sake.

Yes. Ruined was the word. She ruined his dreams that day. Dreams of having a future absolutely different from his past. Dreams which he had anchored around her. Dreams of having a family of his own. A legal family. A wife who he would honor and cherish and children who would have his name. Not bas***ds like him.  A family that his mother would have been so happy to see from up above. But THIS girl never let him have that for she refused to leave his mind, or heart for that matter. Over the years, he searched for her in every girl and returned empty handed. The shackles of her memory never freed him. He never moved beyond that first love of his life. In his hatred for her, she stayed with him. He had tried very hard to do NOTHING but hate her. And he did not know how miserably he had failed at it until four months ago!

His state was that of a mass of jumbled emotions at present. From downright hatred for her in his mind to a flickering hope in the corner of his heart. From an urge to grab her from her arm and shove her out of his apartment to a nervous curiousness to hear out what she has to say. And the fact that in last fifteen minutes that she was sitting there, other than requesting a glass of water she has not opened her mouth, hasn't helped his faculties. He was growing impatient. 'SPEAK UP. I don't have whole night for you to gather your precious thoughts' he spat.

Khushi looked up startled. On the edges of her huge hazel eyes were two sparkling tears, waiting to roll out at at slightest of provocation. And in all likelihood his voice proved to be that provocation for he saw them make their way down to her cheeks and drip off into the oblivion while her lips trembled in an effort to produce a sound. He gulped down a labored breath. Shuttling between vulnerability of her face and enigma of her silence, he could not decide whether to yell at her some more or console her right now. 'She will be the death of me one day'  he conceded, tearing his eyes away from the picture she was making.

REMEMBER? f**king remember does not even start to explain how deeply that LAST meeting was ingrained in his mind. Like a scripture on a stone tablet. Eleven years could do nothing to fade that memory. It was fresh in his mind like it happened yesterday.

It was a bright sunny morning in Lucknow, the day when she had brutally snatched away the very land beneath his feet without warning. He had invited her to his room, for breakfast, because he wanted to surprise her with the news of securing an internship in a law firm of Mumbai. But alas, he was the one who had gotten a surprise of a life time that day.

She had been acting strangely since a few days. A little pre-occupied, a little aloof. And however much he tried to pretend otherwise, it was scaring him. Her trying to avoid meeting him. Her looking at him strangely. Her smiling at him with expressionless eyes. He was not very vocal about his feeling but he knew, she was all he had. He tried to probe, directly and indirectly, but she was not very forthcoming as to what was on her mind. 

His 21 year old mind could conjure only so many reasons of this withdrawal. Owing to his personal complexes, her being unhappy about his financial or social status were the top most. So he had intensified his job search, so that she does not feel bad about being with him. He was a practical person and he knew that coming from such a rich family, this was not an entire impossibility that this thought would cross her mind sooner or later. And he wanted to prove himself worthy of her in every sense. But she did not give him a chance. He had pleaded, begged, grovelled, did everything in his power to hold on to her that day, but she had made up her mind. She left him by the end of their last meeting, nothing deterring  her from the decision she had made, leaving a crater of pain in his heart. Flinging his past in his face, which he had trusted her with. Her words stinging the wounds life had inflicted on his lonely being, leaving him lonelier than ever before.

She closed her eyes. Ofcourse. How would he remember when she had made sure that he does not get any inkling of the impending doom, buying some time with him. But he has to know now. He has the right to know why their beautiful world crumbled. She opened her eyes with a determination shining in them, along with tears.

It had been a year and a half years since their young love blossomed, when the storms gathered on the horizon of their lives. In the last few months, since he had shared his cruel past with her, they had come very close emotionally. 17 and 21 was a very young age to make plans for marriage and family, but that's what they did in their leisure. Arnav reveled in his dreams for future, for his past was something not worth thinking about. He could never change it. But planning about future made him happy and his happiness was of paramount importance to her. Marriage, a small warm house, few kids and a happy life together. That was all they wanted from life. But life did not give any of these, to either of them.

Without any female guidance a mother-less Khushi realized a bit late that not starting with your menstrual cycle by the age of 17 means that something is wrong with your body, quite wrong. She had deduced that from the talks of her friends about that time of the month. And thus after a lot of hesitancy and pondering, she got herself an appointment with a renowned gynecologist of the city. Ofcourse she kept it all a secret from her father, her brother and her boyfriend out of inherent shyness that such taboo topics warrant from young females in Indian society. She had friends, but none so close as to involve them in this private matter. So till her appointment date with doctor, she was apprehensively alone, and then waited alone with a bated breath till her lab reports were back. All alone in her nervousness and fear. Although her doctor was a nice lady and was extra helpful towards her when she came to know the reason as to why no other female accompanied her to her appointment.

Pain had seeped like acid into her veins when doctor read her reports. It had confirmed her doubts. Khushi Gupta, aged 17, underdeveloped ovaries with some uterine malformations. Not only was there no treatment for this problem, she would never be able to conceive. Her world came crashing down. It was too much to take in for a girl who was born with strong maternal instincts. And as if that was not enough, the only thing that brought a smile on the face of love-of-her-life was talking about family, KIDS and a future together. Helplessness crawled and clenched her whole existence. She was INCOMPLETE. And will always be. One thing Arnav expected out of her was a family life, and she was incapable of giving him just that one thing. She sobbed as the kind doctor consoled her. Khushi accepted her kindness for she did not have a mother or a sister back home to lean on. 

She cried many a nights and died a thousand deaths before deciding the fate of her relationship with Arnav. But what else could she do when the solution was glaring her into the eyes. Like his idea of cheering her up, when she met him with her ashen face that afternoon, was to take her to mela and discuss their future sitting atop a Ferris wheel. He always came to life when he talked about them, away from the dark place he normally sulked in. She realized that she was THAT dark place now, where his simple, normal and obvious wishes & expectations from life will stay unfulfilled, like they had been all his life. His personal life was a mess since ever, and will always be if she stayed in it. As soon as the second medical opinion regarding her condition came forth with same results, she started thinking of ways to break-up with him. Sooner the better. And however much she felt rotten at using his past or his financial status as a basis for it, those were only things that could go against him. Else he was PERFECT.  

Hurt of being a bas***d was very profound on his psyche and only thing that could salve it was living a honorable life with his own family. He wanted to bring up HIS kids in a loving respectable environment. A family she can not reproduce. Her young mind had reasoned a million times with her to go and tell him, but her heart always stopped her. She knew his answer. He will throw away everything and choose her. He will choose the girl with underdeveloped ovaries and a malformed uterus in a snap. He was THAT nice. Did she not say he was perfect? And he deserved nothing less than perfect. And that took her off the list automatically. She had Keshav, she will live. Arnav will move on in some time, he will have to. What other option does he have? As for her marriage, it was something she always dreamed of with Arnav only, and that would have to stay a dream. She will make her peace with it, somehow. She wanted to think practically for once in her life, for his sake!

She looked at him listening to her intently, but then she had stopped speaking a while ago, and he was yet to react. He was looking at her with something akin to disbelief, and a little fury as well if she was reading his eyes right. After what seemed a few light years, he spoke. 

'I did, OKAY? You won't understand... I was all of 17 and scared. My world had turned upside down and I did not know what to do anymore. But I knew that I wanted you to be happy in your life. I wanted you to have a perfect life atleast. I did what I thought was best for you' she retorted, her voice gaining octave as well.

'NEWSFLASH. You CANNOT. I, of all available women on the face of this earth, cannot give you a child to carry your name forward. The legitimate DNA holder of your mother, I CAN NOT give that to you. Why is so difficult to understand?'  she was loosing her patience as well.