Chapter 5

Part 4

Raavi looked at the man sitting beside her and eating all the chips. Prafulla had brought those for her, but she refused and Shiva took it instead. She still didn’t understand why he was here with with her, but she would be lying if she said that she didn’t like his presence. After Dhara had left, he took up more than half of her bed and sprawled out to eat chips. She tried to push him away but he was too strong to move. Finally, giving up, she got up and sat on a chair instead. 

“Tujhe koi aur kaam nahi hain?” Raavi asked. “Humesha yahi para rehta hai? Bechare Gaumbi ko saara kaam khud sambhalna padhta hai.”

“Gaumbi ne khud mujhe chutti di hai. Aur Mama ne mujhe teri duty pe laga diya hai.” Shiva said.  

Raavi rolled her eyes. She was feeling light and calm. Dev and her problems felt very distant suddenly. Anita came in coffee for both of them. Raavi herself took the tray and served it to Shiva with four spoons of sugar. She knew he hated coffee because it tasted bitter, he would say. Anita left them alone. He took a sip and didn’t wince. That told her he liked it. She began sipping her own coffee silently. 

“Yahi hai teri woh famous waali diary?” Shiva took out her diary from under her mattress. “Mujhe toh hazar gaaliyaan di hongi isme.”

Raavi gasped and snatched it out of his hands, but she lost her balance in the process and fell on top of him. He held her by her waist, but immediately removed his hand. Raavi was disappointed. It felt nice and warm for the brief second he touched her. She felt supported. But as soon as he removed his hand, it was cold and painful. She got up, went to her own place and sat down. It was all getting tiring. She wanted it to stop. Shiva suddenly spilled the coffee into his hand and Raavi forgot everything else when he winced. 

She went and looked at his hand. It was slightly burnt. She immediately went down and got some ice cubes. Everyone was shocked to see her, because she hasn’t stepped out of her room in four days. Prafulla started crying with happiness. Raavi rushed up again and applied ice to the burnt area. He kept wincing so she began to blow at the wound, hoping the pain would leave him. After than, she applied ointment on his hand. 

“Tera dhyaan kaha hota hain, gadhera kahi ka?” Raavi scolded. 

“Maami ki behen ki beti, bakwaas mat kar. Dhyaan na dene ka record abhi bhi tera hi hai.”

“Tu rehne de. Tujhse ek kaam bhi dhang se nahi hoga. Meri hi galti hai jo tujhe bed pe coffee diya maine. Tu iss layak nahi hai.” 

Raavi saw Shiva smiling and was irritated. Not only had he hurt himself, he spilled coffee on her bed. He was about to say something but a knock at the door got both their attention. Raavi’s heart froze when she saw who it was. She stepped closer to Shiva instinctively. Dev came inside and Raavi felt her tears coming back. She made fists out of her hand, and she felt like curling up in some corner. Her fingers were digging into her palm and it hurt. But this pain was better than the pain she was feeling inside her heart. Why was Dev here? She wished he would leave. 

“Raavi, I’m really sorry. Mera tumhare saath aisa karne ka koi iraada nahi tha.” Dev said. “Saari galti meri hai.”

She felt ashamed. Raavi clutched Shiva’s sleeve, stepping even closer to him. It was getting difficult for her to breathe. Why should she have to go through such pain? Didn’t Bholenath love her at all? No one really loved her. Raavi didn’t even realise when she eventually hid behind Shiva. She heard Dev apologising again but she didn’t want it. 

“Dev tujhe abhi jaana chahiye.” Shiva said. 

“Shiva I’m really sorry. Mujhe khud samajh nahi aa raha tha main kya karu. Aur itna guilty feel kar raha tha ki sorry bolne ki himmat bhi nahi bachi thi mujh mein.” Dev said. 

Raavi saw Shiva taking Dev outside. When they left, Raavi slid onto the floor and cried hard. It was a struggle to keep breathing. She had made a fool out of herself. Shiva came in only a minute later. He sat beside her and pulled her into his chest. Raavi clutched his collar and cried. She only wished to die. It was too painful and very embarrassing. It was impossible to live this way. Why did Shiva have to save her? Did he want to torture her like this? 

“Raavi bhul ja jo kuch bhi hua.” Shiva said. 

Raavi pushed him away. He didn’t understand her pain either. She couldn’t forget this in seven lifetimes. Dev was always gonna be in front of her with the girl he loved. What about her? She could visualise Dev and his girlfriend looking at her with pity. That’s what she saw in Dev’s eyes just now. Pity. She was just someone to be pitied. They all felt sorry for her. Even Shiva was here because he felt sorry for her. To them, she was just a silly girl who got her heart broken. 

“Get out.” Raavi shouted with all her might. “Jaa yaha se Shiva. Please jaa.” She broke down. Shiva tried to touch her but she swatted his hand away. She got up and pushed him out of her room. 

“Main jaa raha hu. Okay?” 

He left. She went and lay down on her bed crying her heart out. Anita came up just a minute after he left her. Raavi asked her to get out too, but she didn’t budge. So she covered her head with a blanket and pretended Anita wasn’t there. Raavi curled up inside and tried to focus on the darkness inside the blanket. It made her feel safe from the outside world. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted back into sleep. 

***

Shiva was woken up by his phone ringing. It was Anita. His heart started beating loudly. It was 1:30 AM. Surely there was something wrong. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if something happened to his chipkali. Dev shouldn’t have gone to see her today. Whatever progress they made, he ruined everything. Raavi broke down in front of him and he couldn’t help her. He picked up Anita’s call and heard loud noises in the background. Someone was shouting. 

“Shiva, please aa jaa yaha.” Anita was crying.

“Kya hua? Raavi thik hai?” 

“Nahi Shiva. Usne wapas khudkhushi karne ki koshish ki. Shiva tu hi sambhal sakta hai.” Her voice broke. 

Shiva immediately got up and got on his bike. He drove to Raavi’s place in full speed. It was difficult for him to even think about Raavi trying to kill herself again. He would die if something like that happened to Raavi. Anita was already waiting for him at the door. He rushed upstairs and went to her room. Raavi was standing in the middle of the room shouting and crying. Her hand was bleeding profusely and Prafulla was holding the bloody knife whereas Mausapa was crying to control her.

His heart froze. Mausapa dragged him inside and asked him to stop Raavi. Shiva still couldn’t react. He was frozen to his spot. Prafulla almost pushed him towards Raavi and that’s when he was gained back his consciousness. Raavi had cut herself but luckily the knife didn’t hit her artery. Maami was saying something so he focused of that. 

“Yeh Anita ke sone ke baad niche se chhuri le aayi. Achha hua ki maine dekh liya aur isse pehle ki woh kuch kar pati, maine cheen liya. Par yeh mujhse ladne lagi aur apna haath kaat liya. Shiva kuch kar.” Prafulla cried. 

Shiva pulled Raavi into his chest and held her tightly until she stopped struggling and shouting. She eventually gave up and hugged him back instead. But Shiva was furious. How dare she do this to herself? He pinned her to the wall by her shoulders. She tried to struggle and free herself again, but his grip was too tight. 

“Raavi, tera dimaag kharab ho gaya hai? Bandh kar yeh sab.” He shouted. 

“Mujhe nahi jeena. Marr jane de mujhe.” She cried. 

“Raavi hosh mein aa.” Shiva shouted. “Kya bakwaas kar rahi hai? Itna aasan hota hai aise marr jana. Yaha sab ko dekh. Inn sab ko chorr ke chali jayegi? Sab sirf Dev ke liye? Hum sab ki koi value nahi hai tere life mein? Dev ko kya farak parega. Guilt hoga thoda phir bhul jayega. Hum sab ka kya? Arrey iss maami ki taraf toh dekh le. Zindagi mein sirf ek sahi kaam kiya hai isne. Tujhe apne paas le aayi. Aur tu ise chorr ke jayegi? Haalat dekh iski, teri chinta mein dubli ho gayi hai. Yeh Mausapa tere, har waqt bas aasu bahate rehte hain. Anita, chaar dino se tere paas se hili bhi nahi. Waha Gaumbi teri fikr mein pagal hoye jaa rahe hai, aur Dhara bhabhi, kabhi bhi ro padhti hai tere baare mein soch ke, Krish din raat tere baare mein puchta rehta hai. Aur main... Mujhe chorr. Tujhe kuch bhi hua toh hum mein se koi yeh bardasht nahi kar payega.”

Raavi calmed down. “Bohot zyaada takleef ho rahi hai Shiva.”

Shiva felt that pang. He could feel how much pain she was in. “Toh hum sab hain na. Apni takleef baat le humse.”

Raavi put her arms around his shoulders and held him tightly. Shiva asked Anita to get the first aid box. He made her sit down on the bed. She had stopped crying. Anita got the first aid box and Shiva bandaged her hand. He made her lie down on the bed. Mausapa took Prafulla away. Shiva was also about to leave when Raavi caught his hand and stopped him. He sat beside her for a moment. She held his hand. 

“Shiva mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha main kya karu.” She said. 

“Tu bas yeh suicide ka khyaal chorr de. Baaki sab main sambhal lunga.” He said. “Promise kar tu wapas yeh nahi karegi phir kabhi.”

“Promise.”

Anita came back to the room and Shiva left Raavi. He really didn’t want to. Atleast he got her promise. Anything else, he could handle easily. Shiva rode back to his home and got into his bed. He would have preferred to have Raavi with him, so he could see she was fine. He would’ve slept better if she was by his side. Why was he thinking that? It was wrong. Her hadn’t slept properly for four days, and perhaps it was just his sleeplessness messing up his mind.