Only do not forget, if I wake up crying
it's only because in my dream I'm a lost child hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands...
_____ Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets.
_______________________________________
When I woke up, I found myself on my bed, safely buckled under my duvet. Squirming, stretching, pulling my weighing body out of the safe comforter called my bed. A chill ran through me as I placed my feet on the ice cold woody floor and walked out of my room. Yawning, I reached the hall, there he was sitting on the couch.
"Morning." Wishing him, I slumped on the couch next to him.
"Morning." He acknowledged me a minute later. Then resumed back to his job. Thinking.
"Where is Nick.?" I asked him by rubbing my riotous hair, messing it further.
"Gone." His answer was a word, just a single word. What's with him??? I can't keep my mind from think over what he might be thinking, I'm hungry, I need to take care of my growling stomach, but I'm too tired to do soo. I simply rested my lazy self next to him.
"Did he said anything." He shook his head. There was a long pause. I took that time to make myself more comfortable, lied my back on the couch placing my head on the armrest. Flattening my feet on the soft material of my couch next to him.
"What are you thinking.?" I asked slightly kicking his thigh.
"About you," running his hand over his hairs, making me statue. "And Nick." His next word broke me from shell shock I resumed to gape at him. My usual doing.
"About what??" I asked as I made myself sit, my silly self made me to stumble back on the couch. Groaning, finally I own.
"He told me he loved you." He said not looking at me.
"He still do." I said as my eyes eyeing him closely.
Suddenly his head snapped towards me and "You didn't." asked, his eyes were on the floor before it landed on mine, gives no way for me to meet his. I nodded. "Why??" Because I love you!! My heart breathly whispered. But my lips it pursed out. "Is there anyone?" I flushed, I want to dig a hole in my floor just hid there for the rest of my life. What am I supposed to say. Yeah that's you. That will be too lame, he'll laugh at me. "Is what happened five years back." I kept mum. I don't want to say anything to him to make the situation worse and I don't want to complicate my life, mostly I'm not ready for a straight rejection. "When I found you in park.?" I flinched at the memory of him and my ex friend. I gritted my teeth. "If you don't want to talk, I can understand." With that he walked away. Leaving me with tears.
~~~
I'm trying to forget the conversation that I had with him just an hour before, but failing miserably. So I decided to take care of my burning stomach instead of reeling with what happened, that's it, now I'm standing at the island with my growling stomach, preparing a sandwich with Nutella and some fruits for breakfast. I'm too tired to go for anything solid than this. I placed a layer of sliced kiwi over a Nutella spreaded bread, over that sliced strawberries and bananas, placing a bread with Nutella over it I finished with mine. Now I need to prepare for him. That's when I felt his presence next to me.
"Sorry if I crossed the untouchable zone." His voice was soo soft with guilt which stirred my stomach with own.
Without turning my head, "It's not like that." I said as I placed a piece of strawberry in my mouth.
"Can I ask you a question." I nodded again without turning my head to face him.
"Why did you helped me?" I stopped slicing banana. "Though we had a bad history.?" I closed my eyes.
"I know how it will be, heartbroken and left alone." I sighed. "I don't want you to go through what I ha..." I stopped. I didn't, can't able to continue it, it was so fresh, how I ran out of my country, how I spent my days starving and crying over my unbidden love. I can't deny it, it made me strong. But not so strong to acknowledge him about my love.
"So you accept that you have been in love." I nodded and handed him his sandwich. We both walked towards the table. Wishing he'll stop digging about my secret love for him.
~~~
Days were moving like clouds, it's been five days since I told him about me being in love. Though I never said who it was. And he never asked. Now I'm doing my routine work eating popcorn and watching movie. I lifted my head as I heard his foot steps, I smiled at him and offered him some popcorns. He smiled back and took some popcorns and slumped on the couch next to me. We watched movie in pure silence. It was amazing having your love and watching a horror movie. It's different. I'm immune to horror, he knows that. So getting scared hugging him, won't happen here, like they show in the movies and even in some serials.
Why I'm like this?? I secretly scolded me as I sighed and an exasperated exhale left my nostrils.
"Soo." I popped some pops in my mouth as his words hit my ears. So I raised my eyebrows, questioningly. "Boring right." I nodded coz again my mouth was filled. "How about story telling.?" I nodded this time out of excitement, just imagining itself I'm getting Goosebumps, him telling me a story. I mentally squealed. "You know about my love story." I don't know what made me to gap at him. Whether his smashing smile or the way I volunteered my head to his axe. Ohh hell no. "So enlighten me with your love story." His boyish grin and those waving hairs over his forehead make one impossible to deny his request.
I bit my lower lip.
"It's ended even before it could start." I said lowering my sight.
"He rejected you?" I shook my head without looking up at him. "Then." His inquisition killing me.
"I'm scared of rejection." I mumbled. I heard a loud exhale.
"You never spoken your love." I nodded. "I can't believe, that this impossible Swara scared of something." He exclaimed.
"And he already had his love interest." I said lifting my head. I never knew I was crying until I watched him move closer to me, wrapping his hands securely around me. I lied my head on his chest immediately felt his smell soothe me.
I heard him whisper some sweet words. "It's okay, he don't deserve you. You deserve better Swara." I snuggled over his shirt. Don't get me wrong, I still love him. All my life just now I got my chance to be this close to him. And I'm emotionally broken now. He won't care, did he. "He must be stupid and unlucky Swara for not having you in his life." I lifted my head to look at him, he looked down at me.
"Really?" I asked.
"Really!" He said. I smiled and scooted closer to him. "And he is this dumbass who don't know what he missed." I smiled at that he calling himself as dumbass good to hear. Keep telling something like that my inner soul pleaded him, he smiled back seeing my smile. I want this time to freeze for eternity.
"If you say so, then he is." And buried my face in his chest I felt a joker grin forming on my face. It's different in one sided love. Every pain and every joy only belongs to you. He didn't even know some crazy girl was loving him dearly.
"Why we have to fall in love and suffer.?!" His voice was shaky and thick.
"Yeah I know love is a big pit of shit, though we tend to fall into it over again and again, it's started from Adam and Eve, so it's in our gene. We can't do anything." I heard him sigh as I snuggled more in to him, yawning.
God only knows how I slept on his chest, hugging him. When I woke up, it was already mid night. He was asleep beneath me, this is what I was longed for all my life, him, only him and his love. Now he is here with me, but am I loved by him. No. I walked to my room to get a blanket.
~~~
SANSKAAR...
I woke up to the sound of whistling kettle. I found myself on the couch, then memories of last night flooded in me. Last thing I knew was lulling her to sleep. I don't know what got into me when I saw tears in her eyes it made me to forget everything almost everything, at that moment all I wanted to do was to wipe those tears out of her face and make sure they never return. Swara what are you doing to me??? I sighed.
"Sanskaar." My thoughts were disturbed by her magnificent voice calling my name. Do I ever get this opportunity all my life her waking me up by calling my name it was so energizing.
"Yeah!" I responded getting up.
"Freshen up your tea is ready." For the starter I'm mesmerized seeing her in her wet bouncy hair, and those maroon with dark blue checked long fannel shirt which sleeves where folded up, matching with a light blue pencil fit denim just goes well with her complexion. Thank God she was busy with her work otherwise I don't want her to catch me oogling her. Rubbing my hair I walked away to my room.
When I walked back to the kitchen, I found her busy in seasoning something. I took my seat in one of the chair in round dinning table. She walked and placed my cup of tea in front of me and instantly walked back and resumed to her work.
"Going out.?" I asked her by taking a sip of her tea.
"Yeah to attend a project with Nick. He needed me today." I replied with a 'Hmm'. "I'll be back soon." She said looking at me. I nodded.
I walked to clean my tea cup as I finished with my tea. I placed the cup on the holder. Then I found myself standing next to her. I can't hold my eyes from roaming on her. She looks beautiful. Her neck length jet black hair which was roughly curled adding to her look. Her hands were rudely applying peanut butter over a bread.
"Are you in a hurry." She nodded, "then here let me help you." I got the hold of the knife and bread from her hand. She smiled a thank you at me. She resumed to stir the gravy. "To whom is this for.?" I asked pointing the bread.
"That's for me and this for you." She pointed the gravy and Naan. I started to spread the paste over the bread.
Swara...
"Nick seems to be good guy, why you didn't choose him.?" I smiled thinking me and Nick together ohh man let him have a peaceful life. I thought to myself.
"Do you really think that my father would allow me to marry a white man." I laughed he knows about my dad's patriotism. And every Independence and republic day even for Gandhi jayanthi he'll hoist national flag in our house. And he still used to wear kadhar and khadi products. He smiled knowing those. I pointed a spatula at him. "Yeah!!! Right, he almost avoided me for the past years for staying overseas, he might disown me if I choose any white man as my husband." He laughed some more.
"Did I know him." My hand stopped abruptly hearing him, closing my eyes I cursed me knowing what was coming on my way. Come on my mind I need a cover up think something. If I say he knows him, his next question will hang me down.
"Nope." I turned to face him, "you don't." I tried to add a smile so that my lie looks like truth. An 'ohh' left his lips. I chanted a thank God to myself.
"So who is he? What's his name.?" My eyes desperately searching for some escape as he bombard me with his questions, a small sigh and a frown appeared on my face as I found a small hole down the shelf, I simply wanted to crawl over to that hole hid there and die.
"I forgot his name." I blurted out hastily. When I turned to look at him he was wearing this 'seriously' expression.
"No need to lie. If you don't want to tell me, I understand." He turned to face the hallway. "No one can ever forget their first love." I closed my eyes, not for the situation but for the desperation in his eyes. I wanted to be his everything. Now I doubt that I can ever be his everything.
I slowly mumbled a thanks. Next moment I felt a chillness and stickiness in my left cheek. I turned to look at him, his eyes looked back at me glinting with a mischievousness. I lifted my hand dramatically in slow motion, touched my cheeks scraped a peanut butter. "Hey what this for?" I screamed. He laughed out a boyish laugh. Ohh I died then and there. I totally turned rested my hip over the counter, he came and stood in front of me. "I hate wasting food." I inserted my index finger in to my mouth licked out that sticky butter out my finger. His face scrunched in pure disgust. Because my actions were totally unladylike. I wiped the rest of the butter out of my cheeks licked my fingers again. I watched him as I licked cleaned my finger. Suddenly the air around me got intense as he took few steps towards me and closed the gap, note looking deep into my eyea. I gazed up at him in horror. I know my eyes were wide like they're never before mostly I was paralyzed totally paralyzed as if I saw a grudge ghost standing diagonally in front of me. My hands found its place on the edge of the counter to hold myself on, I can never count on my knees, they were like made up of sand; when I need to cross a river, it won't stand. Up in here; he is the river. I'm drowning.
I watched his hand go in between the gaps of my hands and hip, rested on the counter beside mine. Blink, blink, blink my orders were futile, I just can't blink it out from my eyes, the image of him about to kiss me.
'It can't be real.. it can't be real.' I told myself. As my eyes watched him dip his head down, push him or run do anything but not this. Yeah! I longed to be in his arms, to feel his lips over mine, I did but not this way, without love just some other feelings which I never wanted to acknowledge. As his face inched me I felt a waves of tremors pass through me, waves after waves washing my nerves. A sharp gaps left my lips when I felt him just a few millimeters away from mine. Another gasp left me as his tongue lapped over the edge of my lip. My stomach stirred a broth, as his teeth slightly grazed my lips. I need to use a rest room badly. I felt my legs scrap the floor as I tried to stand for my dear dignity, I held the counter tighter. My hands gone slippery as my palm rapidly manufacturing the sweat. I'm losing my balance, it's my right hand lost it's hold, slipping, I was about to go down, just then I felt a warmness in my waist and a squeeze then a strong grip over my shirt. Those things just pumped more blood throughout my body. I didn't dared to touch him. I felt my ground moving around leaving me in an amiss as his tongue glided over my lower lip. My wide opened eyes watched every moments of his eyeballs under his closed lids. This can't be happening he didn't love me and I definitely don't want to be his rebound.
SANSKAAR...
"I don't waste food." I said as I gazed down at her, her wide eyes and half opened mouth told me how frightened she was now. I don't know why, but I was suddenly captivated by a strange, unfamiliar need a need to have her, completely mesmerized by her. I'm stared at her exquisitely sculptured mouth, mesmerized, and she is looking up at me through her lashses, which reflected a pure innocence. I felt my breathing getting harder than usual, and she was stopped breathing altogether. I knew I can't hold myself today. So I licked that tiniest bit of peanut butter. Then I can't stop so I kissed her. Her lips tasted more sweeter than the peanut butter. I withdrew as my kiss was not reciprocated. I was welcomed by her even more paranoid face. And those were my last word to her before walking out of the kitchen. And I don't even have a slightest bit of regression about that kiss. I'm happy that I finally did.
SWARA...
After leaving me there in a frazzled state he didn't show up and it's not like that I had a courage to meet him and confront him about his act. I have successfully avoided him for the two days, I made some lies and end up with Pete and Amanda. But today Pete and his new girlfriend Amanda a twelve year old kid who has a brain tumor was visiting their doctors. So I end up here in my house without anyone to help me. Currently now I'm in my room prone on my bed. My legs were up. As I checked on my insta posts.
"Are you avoiding me.?" I lifted my head in shock which left me to made a dramatical roll on my bed ended up in falling on the floor blanket twisted over my legs.
"Clumsy as ever." He laughed.
"You can't just run into me like that, after knowing how jumpy I was." I scowled at him as my hands found each other's elbows, massaged over it.
"I'm going to watch a movie, wanna join." I nodded.
And here I'm sitting on the couch next to him, trying hard to forget what had happened two days before. I never understand metaphorical love. And mine is not like that. It need some respect some responsibility, some commitments. Does he wanted to hook up with me like how he did in the beginning.
"Is that about the morning the other day?" I stayed quite. I can never compromise when it's come to love that I have developed for him more than the decade. "I'm sorry if I crossed my line." He did crossed his line. But I don't want to be a bitch.
"Yeah you kinda did." I said fixing my sight on television.
"I never knew that it'll terrify you." He said like just like blowing a candle.
"And it's not like that I kiss everyone I meet, almost everyday." I spat, yeah now I'm a fully grown bitch.
"I can't believe you haven't kissed before." I sighed.
"Why it surprise you? Why?? you can't live with your dignity when you're away from your family." I spat again, he was my first everything, my kiss, my hook up, my love does he knows that. Does he even know how much he is hurting me by treating me like that.
I felt a kick on my leg then "hey!" I turned to look at him. "If I hurted you, I'm sorry." He said as guilt and hurt flashed over his goddamnly handsome face, Ohh my bad! I can't even stay mad at him. He is not using his charm, though his gestures allure me. Does he knows how I feel for him. What he'll do if I say to him. He'll reject me. I turned my face towards an electronic machine which is trying to entertain my despondent self.
I clearly knew this was not his fault, he never knew my hidden love for him. I can deal with this feeling, I can console my heart that he never knew that you're living for him. But I don't think that I can ever be able to live with a rejection. That way I'm safe now, at least I can live. I turned to face him who's eyes were closed, I wanted to maintain what I have with him now, it was stuck in an oblivion. For that I have to be cool so I threw my legs over his lap making him to yelp from his yoga. "Come on massage it. I'll forgive you." I said in a boss tone leaning my on an armrest crossing my hands behind my head. He smiled and stared to massage my legs.
And thus my day ended by having a movie marathon with him.
~~~
When our life is smooth it'll get worse, that's the universal truth. Same thing is happening with me. I had ran out of money and my stockings, my savings everything gone, I spent every penny. I can't ask Nick, he'll give me some money, but I can't allow him to pay me for nothing. But when you have a father, then why worries. I rushed to the living room taking my laptop with me. Placed it on the coffee table. Then I rushed to my room, pulled a salwar over my head, wrapping a shawl around my head leaving my face. Rushed to my dresser, picked a red liquid lip color screwing the lid, placed a red dot in between my brows. I rushed to my laptop.
Placing myself neatly on the couch, covering my shorts and my bare thighs. I called my dad through Google duo.
A somber Shekar attended my call. "Papa paranaam." I said as I bend myself down as if gesturing as touching his legs.
My efforts were all gone with the wind with his expression, he would have put Hitler to shame, "what do you want?" He spat.
"Shekar you can't yell at your daughter like this who is calling you after ages." I scowled at him as I adjusted my salwar top to cover my shorts properly.
"Yeah!! A father who was totally forgotten by his daughter." His frowns are clearly visible, now he is slightly looking like Mussolini.
"Who said you've been forgotten. I was checking on you. Ask di and sharmi." I said defending myself. How can he think that I don't care about him. He was the one who avoided me.
"What do you want Swara.?" He voiced tiredly.
"Shekar you lost some weight. You have to concentrate on your health." I said seeing his 80kg of frame diminished to 75.
"What do you want Swara?" He nearly bit his laptop.
"May be... Some money." I trailed off, "from my share." I finished by adding it purposely. But his reaction was expected he plastered his infamous scowl on his 47 old face. And how can I omit that glare.
His immediate question was "You're jobless?" Ohh no. I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not."
"What about that white man? He didn't pay you?" His mockery was clearly evident in his coarse voice.
"He won't pay me when I'm on my leave." It didn't registered what I said until his next question bombard through the speaker.
"Why you're on leave.?"
"Just send me my money Shekar. Which my grandfather specifically left for me." You see my grandfather left some amount of money for me and my sis. I'm just asking from that.
"You won't able to touch that money unless you're married." And this revelation shocked me. Okay I need money but I can't get married either.
"Then lend me some money papa." It's time to use the tramp card, "otherwise I'll die starving." I forced a tear in my eyes. And I know how to get into my papa's heart. I watched him as his face softened.
"How much do you want?"
"5 lakhs." He nodded.
"Next time use sketch pens, liquid lip color is too shiny." He laughed, making me shock. "I'm your father." He laughed some more. Ohh!! good I'm still on his good side. I don't know what he'll do if he get to know about Sanskaar staying here with me. Smiling wishing him I cut the call.
~~~
SANSKAAR...
I shuffled over my bed coiling a blanket over myself. I didn't sleep after hearing her conversation with her father. I walked out of my room to get water. I stopped hearing her father's voice over the speaker. It pained how she asked him money. She was jobless because of me. An hour later I dialled my brother informed him about my journey back to India. It's over, my stay here with her. I'll be going back to my home. But something tells me it'll never be the same. My life.
Deciding myself to reveal this news to her I walked out of my room after finishing my morning routine. I found her on the table sipping her tea. I walked to her. Seeing me she poured tea for me.
"Swara." She lifted her head. I died seeing her smiling face, I doubt that I ever see that smiling face of her ever again.
"Sanskaar?" She called me as I was totally zoned off.
I inhaled deeply in a means of getting some courage. "I'm leaving Swara." She almost spilled that tea out of her mouth.
"Where?" Her eyes were desperately searching mine, "Why?" She finally asked.
"Home." I told her, her eyes looked me with shock, I roamed my eyes throughout the house which held some horrible and sweet memories. "I don't belong here Swara." I said finally meeting her eyes. It was glossy, "I can't stay here."
"Okay!" She nodded unsure of her words and walked away. I didn't get a chance to talk.
I walked out of the house made myself comfortable on the portico stairs. Minutes passed. Doing nothing just thinking about my future.
Half an hour later I felt her presence next to me. And an exhale, I dare to look at her, I know I'll broke down this is my time, I need to stay strong. For everyone and myself.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to walk out on you." I nodded my voice were just sulking like me. "I'm soo used to having you with me. And this is kinda.." she stopped I turned to look at her, her eyes were puffy and red and her nose too. She cried. "Hmm.. kinda carried out." She finally turned to look at me. I can see brewing tears. "I'm happy for you." She smiled with those tears, she looked angelic. "Come here." She scooted closer me to have a hug, I moved into her as she pulled me in a bear hug. "I'm proud of you." Her shaky voice sung in my ears. Leaving this place doesn't mattered to me but leaving her makes me sick.
"How many days I can have you.?" She asked my by parting from hug.
"Three." I said.
"A lot. So don't want to waste time." She rubbed her palms together, "Where do you want to go?" She asked with excitement.
"Anywhere you want." She smiled a sheepish one, which make you to doubt about her every action.
~~~
After having a wonderful day out with her to a long ride nothing special just her and me. We spend some lone times near river bank fishing and swimming. Now we are here, just us. She looked angelic in that white lengthy button up shirt. And the messy hair of hers were perfect. I'm getting a weird feel a certain pull towards her, I can't point it whether it is because of the separation or anxiety or I'm attracted towards her or that I'm going to have her only for two days in my life. I don't know. All I want is feel her in me, want to hold her, kiss her and make love to her. I decided to hit a shot.
SWARA...
"Swara." I turned my head at him.
"Yes." I said while smiling at him.
"I want you now." He said his self was quite stiff than before.
I turned to watch movies as I casually "Yea I'm here now. What.?" Said without taking my eyes off.
"Swara... I want to have you." I was too engrossed in the movie as I didn't get him well.
"Yeah. You can." I said as I took sip of a cola.
"Are you getting me or not." He asked me by pulling the can. Which pricked my anger. No one comes between me and my thirsty.
"What's you're problem Sanskaar.? What do you want.?" I yelled at him and grabbing the cola can from him and took a sip.
"You're my problem. You're looking damn..." he ran his hand over his hairs, "hot to my eyes. And I want to have sex with you now." He yelled back at me. Which made me to spill the cola which I had sipped all over his face, followed by a cough. We shared our beds, we kissed once or twice. And of course had a sex. But this, his statement and sudden revelation made me to choke. I watched him like a ghost, I can feel myself, like a horrified child, my heart beat hiked up, my popped out eyes watching him as his hand slowly scurried over his coke painted face, his eyes catch mine as his finger squeezed the liquid out of his lashses, damn good, I heard my own gulp it was so loud, without saying another word he got up and left to his room. I spent sometimes sitting on the floor. A small part of me wants to ran from there, never wanted to see him again. But a big part of me wanted him to show up clear things to me. Nevertheless he didn't show up. I retired to my room. And now tossing on my bed to get some sleep which seems to be an impossible task for now. My curiosity is at peek not allowing me to sleep not even allowing me to close my eyes. I wanted to know why he asked like that. Why all of a sudden, I'm looking hot to him. Why??? Why????.
SANSKAAR...
Now I'm lying on my bed by keeping my hands behind my head. my eyes were fixed on the ceiling, feeling utterly shame. I don't know why I asked her like that. She looked hot to my eyes. Definitely not all of a sudden, its a long term process may be from the moment I dropped here in her house, her every moves for me to feel better. Her efforts to make my life good. I loved Kavita. I expected these from her. I want her to be with me in my ups and downs. Want to make me feel better and want to make her feel amazing about our relationship. But my dreams all shattered. But when I got those things from an unexpected person, who supposed to be my enemy, Swara. I was confused, I don't know what I feel for her.
Some part of me pushing me to go and knock her door. But another part of me stopping me from doing so. I know things in between us never going to be soo cool. I took a deep breath. I felt that my throat went dry as my nerves were burning high. I walked out to have some water.
When I opened the door. I glanced at her room door which is on other side of the hall and opposite to my room. It was shut. I left my door open and walked past the hall and reached the kitchen. I found a shadow in dim light. Pacing.
I walked without making any noise. I reached there found her with a wide eyes.
"What are you doing here.?" I asked her.
"Uhh... Just." All she said. "You." She snapped. "What are you doing here?" She asked me by resting her hands at her hips.
"To have water." I took a deep breath. "Look! that was a mistake." Her eyebrows knitted together above her nose.
"What was that for??" She asked, I can sense the fire in her words.
"I'm sorry, I can't stop myself from asking you." I ran my hand through my hairs. Repeatedly.
"You're saying that you're sexually attracted towards me." She almost mumbled if it wasn't silent here I wouldn't have been able to hear those words.
"I can't deny it." I said bluntly, my emotions were at peak. I want her nothing more. And I don't want to hide that from her.
"Wow.." all she trailed off. I watched her face which shows a sense of disgust. Over me. I can understand that and it's reasonable. But I'm not ashamed of anything I do now.
"I always admired you Swara. You're one strong woman that I have ever met in my life. You always took the insult which was thrown on you as a challenge, and you won against them. I respect you for that, I... I salute you." I stopped to collect my self and be prepared for her assault, for my next word. "At the same time I can't deny the pull towards you which I'm experiencing for the past few months." I watched her closely as I finished my last word. Her face was ridden with emotions, anger, confusion, and an unknown one, I sensed a slight happy smile in her eyes.
Since no response from her I decided to ask her what was digging me for the past few hours. "Will you marry me." I asked abruptly. Her eyes widened with shock as a coat of sweat formed over her face. Making her peach color skin to turn a shade of red.
"Are you planning to kill me." She asked me with a frown. "Enough of the prank Sanskaar." She scowled.
"This isn't prank Swara, I'm serious."
"What is this Sanskaar? Why so.. so.." her stammer made her look even more beautiful, "suddenly.?" She yelled.
"I already told you that I wanted to live my life upto my father's expectations. He wanted me to marry you." I felt a disappointment with my words which wasn't there before.
"Ohh." She said blankly.
"And I want you to be in my life." I saw her face which was lit up with a bright color before it turning into it's normal.
"Is this love." I find myself shook my head.
"No. I don't think I can bring myself to love again." She dropped her face.
"Exactly, why you want me in your life.?"
"Because you're the one who made me the man that I'm now. You make me feel proud of myself, you make me happy and smile. I want you in my life as my wife. I'm not forcing you Swara. Take your time give me your answer before I leave." I said everything in a single breath, then I walked to my room taking a water bottle. Like nothing has happened.
~~~
SWARA...
Happily, two days had been melted from my hands without seeing him. It's like we both purposely avoiding each other. Neither him nor me dare to spend times together like usual. Rather I spent my times in my room, him in his. Though I hadn't decided anything about 'the matter'. Whether to accept him or not. And I don't have anyone to put some senses in me about 'the matter' in my hand. So I ended up with Nick, my knight armour. I told him everything, every bit of his words with my extra emotions in it. Finally confused him, now he is taking his own time to think about 'the matter'. Filling our table with white porcelain wares, rather called coffee cups.
"Yo man. I need to give him my answer tomorrow not decade later." I said sipping my coffee which was over the table, yeah!! Like a snake, I'm that bored, hoping it will be my last one. Now I'm planning on quitting it. My body had deposited a decade amount of caffeine in this one day.
"Wait! just its complicated you know that." I hit my head over the table spilling some coffee, while the empty cups jumped like they're over a trampoline. "It's about relationship baby, how can I?" He exclaimed.
"I should have asked anyone, not a man who didn't even dated in his life." I hit the table one more time.
"You should have loved me. You won't be in this situation." He started his flirting.
"Trust me man, I love you much for that I don't want to put your life in line." I said smiling at him, he raised his eyebrows. "My father would've placed a bit for your head in the mafia world." A chuckle left my lips as I finished with my words. "Okay give me some senses man."
"I would say that, Every love needs a fair chance. Unsaid love is a curse, Swara. That's what I saying. I don't want you to spend your life thinking over," I blankly looked back at him. "That you might missed a chance to have him in your life." He said confusing more, I blinked at him. "Tell your love to him. Let him decide the rest." I shouldn't have asked him, I can never find a courage to tell him that. I can still save a bit of dignity this way, I kept repeating to myself.
~~~
So its finally just me, I have to make decisions, I never thought that my fate will put me in this situation though I wished it to be in other way.. with little bit love. I tossed over my bed not having a mind to close my eyes which is begging to do so. It's finally happing.
~~~
Morning hit me like a jet, in all my life I never witnessed a light-year dawn. It was so soon. Finally I made up my mind about 'the matter'. I finished with my bath walked out of my room found him all ready in hall with packed up suits cases. I smiled up at him, he returned it back. No casual talks, all awkward minutes.
"Ready!" He nodded. We loaded his luggage into the taxi trunk. We clambred in. Our ways are beginning to part ways.
~~~
Taxi driver helped us to unload his luggage from the car to upload it in cart. Taking the payment, with a smile he rode off. Now it's just us. I lifted my head and smiled at him.
SANSKAAR...
I never thought that I can be nervous too, now I feel like a kid who is waiting in a hospital for vaccines. I'm partly sweating. I looked at her face she was smiling at me that gave me some courage to my slurping soul. I didn't disturb her for the past three days. It's not like that I had a courage to meet her after my worst proposal. I almost addressed her as a fling. I looked down at my watch I just have five minutes before leave her, it's feel like the last five minutes of my life.
"Soo.." I said vanishing the smile which I had before.
"Soo???" She squinted her eyes. "Ohh I need to give you my answer." I nodded. "I'm sorry I can't. Not like you Sanskaar, I believe in love." She said hastily, her face hardly gives any clue to me. It's not like that I'm good in reading face expression. I know her first love failed her, though why??
"But you said love is a mistake." She nodded, she is confusing me more.
"I also told you we intended to do that mistake again and again. And for me I love to do that mistake again and again. Call me fool, yes that I am." She said with a grin. "It's about my love, it'll remain same Sanskaar, even for decades, it's about what I feel, for whom I feel. And I don't worry about whether it was recompensed or not, I still do. And I truly believe in love." Her eyes slowly turned glossy "And I'm sorry for turning down your offer." Her words sounded helpless, I felt a bang, like that I became soulless again.
"It's not an offer, it's my wish." I said gaining the strength. I admire her more, how one can love someone soo much, I wish I can be that man, and I'm happy for not him, I don't want to be that unlucky.
"Okay... sorry for turning down your wish." She extended her hand for me. "Friends forever." I nodded and took her hand for a shake. I heard an announcement. "And I think that's for you my friend." She titled her head to the speaker. "I wish you all the best and good luck with the every plan of your life." She hugged me for one last time. I walked in as soon as we parted. I wish I'm in love again, this time a right person in a very wrong time. I turned to look at her for the one last time, she was already gone.
~~~
SWARA...
All I can hear was the loud noise, some honking, some cheering, distant beat of my heart and how painfully it clenched. It doesn't matter anymore, everything is finished with my love after all it was one sided. Only I have a every right to decide about it's fate.
Thinking about the way he thinks of me gets my blood boiling, but not strong enough to retaliate so I saved myself, little bit selfishness is no cruel. I pulled a shade over my eyes as a drop of tears rolled down.
Carrying on walking forward, as the best course of action for me to find a way to walk away and not to give my sulking soul to pity myself over my decision. I feel distant and hollow, forgetting all happiness and excitement I had had before.
I feel empty.
Stepping out of the gate I smiled weakly at Nick who is waiting for me, leaning against his 63'corvette door. "I said no to him." He nodded with a knowing smile.
"What happened? You wanted this, him." His chin pointed the airport where I dropped him few minutes before.
"He wants me, not for me, not for him. But to satisfy his Father." I said blankly, I almost lost all the senses and emotions in me, and I have to admit I'm started to feel the side effects.
"What's wrong in that.?" He asked me.
"I would have accepted his proposal if I haven't loved him." I said, my voice was blank. "I can't do that to me.. to my love." I said. "And... everything should be reciprocated in a relationship, that's what I think, and that way a relationship will work out. He is not ready to give me what I want. So I'm not either." I smiled despondently with a shrug, I felt a tear over my sun kissed cheeks. I wiped it swiftly.
"Want a lift." He asked tilting his head towards his car.
"Of course." I said with a wide grin. He ruffled my hairs. By messing it more. May be this is my fate, live my life without him in it. I need a diversion. "What about the rodeo.?" I squealed.
"It's all the way baby." He screamed slamming his hand over his Corvette's bonnet. I can run away from anyone, but me, my heart and my soul, is withering in pain. I can live my life like this, away from him, knowing and satisfied that he never loved me. It's peaceful here. Than to be with him, knowing him loving someone, living a life with him for the custom. It's horrible isn't it. So I chose myself this time, saving my heart from the lifelong brokenness. Is that wrong. Being selfish. It's called an act of self protection too. But will miss him. Hope will never meet him again in my life.
So I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache.
______ Pablo Neruda, 100 sonnets.
THE END
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Hope you like the end of this book. Like I said before I launch the sequel soon.
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