Satisfaction

Satisfaction

“It’ll be over soon…”

I closed my eyes as I heard the whistle of the train. A few more seconds and then….. Suddenly I felt like laughing at my own thoughts. How did it  even matter? My life ended the moment I looked into his eyes and realized that he was telling me the truth. He didn’t feel anything for me anymore. It almost felt like poetic justice that once I had severed the last thread tying us together. And now that his heart was finally free of me, it is I who lost herself in the crowd.

How did we come to this point? The man who lived for my happiness, when did he become so indifferent to my silent cries? The one who could read my thoughts like an open book, why did he choose to become deaf to my pleas? Funny, how he couldn’t stop himself from showing me one last act of kindness. He did give me an answer. Only if I knew I would rather prefer to live in ignorance than knowing what set us apart! 

A lone tear escaped my eyes as I recalled our last conversation. He was right. Indeed, beyond a point one became too numb to feel anything. He didn’t just love me. He gave our relation his all until I decided to shatter his heart into a million pieces and walk all over it. I did to him what I wouldn’t wish for my greatest enemy.  All for one reason - my twisted sense of love and loyalty. 

I knew I deserved every bit of humiliation that was coming my way. Yet, somewhere deep down I wanted him to care enough to give me the benefit of the doubt, to understand the duplicity of those who surrounded him, and perhaps to take a stand for me one last time, giving me some hope that we still had a chance. It didn’t hurt as much when they called me names or hurt me physically. I would endure a thousand such wounds just to see a flicker of emotion in his eyes. Annoyance, anger, frustration, pity - anything. But the sheer indifference that stared back at me every time I looked into his eyes - how could one fight that? 

I was well aware of what people were talking behind my back. A homewrecker, a two timer, a sl*t - there wasn’t any dearth of slangs for a woman like me. And still, I stood there and performed every single ritual on his bride’s behalf. When he circled the holy fire with her, his smile said it all. Today was the day he got to undo his biggest mistake by marrying the one destiny had chosen for him long ago. Why should he care if I was suffocating to death? After all, it was my decision to be a part of his new beginning while whatever little was alive inside me died in a slow, painful death. 

Was this how I made him feel all these years? My skin crawled reminiscing all the time I tormented him through no fault of his own. I never understood why did he love me so much, or what was it in me that made me seem worthy in his eyes. But now with our pain binding us together, I could finally see where he was coming from. 

He was happy simply being a part of my life. Reciprocity never held any importance to him. If the man standing before me was completely oblivious to my suffering, it wasn’t because he gave up on us, but because I tainted our relationship through my deception. He wasn’t lying or being dramatic when he said I ended him. I of all people knew how it felt to be dejected by the one you loved the most. If only I could turn back time and do what’s right by him! Perhaps it would have saved us both from a life of misery. But now everything seemed to be lost. 

As the train started to move, suddenly I felt this strange calm that numbed all my senses. My life began the day I fell in love with him. Now that his heart had finally stopped beating for me, there was nothing left for me as well. It was only a matter of time before this emptiness devoured me from within. And I for one, couldn’t wait to get it over with. I leaned back on my seat, almost exhilarated at the thought of my impending doom and muttered to myself what Baa had told me earlier with absolute satisfaction….. 

“It’ll be over soon…”

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