The Letter

The house was still and dark. Ansh left his bags at the door and tiptoed to his parents' room to catch the last glimpse of their sleeping form. As much as he wanted to hold onto the warmth of the night, the occasional chilly wind brought his senses back to reality. It was his last day in the house that he grew up in, the home that taught him friendship, love, and kinship, where he took his first steps and played his first cricket match, fought and cheered with his friends, cried on his mother's lap on his first heartbreak (his mother didn't know it was a boy), and sipped his first beer hiding from his father. When his father found out about his first drink, he wanted to share a toast with Ansh. They were always there for him, but not anymore.

Everything had changed the day Ansh confessed that he was gay. His ever-supportive father became eerily silent, and his strong, decisive mother sobbed as if her only son had died. Ansh was heartbroken and angry. His father had gone into a bizarre state, where he would either avoid talking to Ansh or speak about his marriage like the confession never happened. With a pang in his heart, Ansh decided to leave his parents' house before his parents forced him to leave. He packed his bags for the next train to Bangalore, where he could start afresh. Tears brimmed his eyes as he watched his mom and dad asleep.

Ansh faltered in his steps. An envelope addressed to him was kept on his father's table. He picked up the envelope and found a letter within.

Dear son Ansh,

If you are reading this letter, it means that I have failed to protect you as a father. You could be wondering why I am writing a letter instead of talking to you directly. Because, the courage that I find at the moment in entrusting you with the truth, I might not find later. Time has a weird way of changing people. I only want to say, no matter how I might be behaving at the moment, my heart always lies with you and your well-being.

I also have a confession to make, dear son. I, your father, am a broken man. What broke me bears its brunt to this day. When I was 16, I realized that I was gay. Your grandfather sent me for 'conversion therapy'; that was supposed to lure my homosexuality out of me. They locked me in a cellar for about 15 days without food, made me do hard labor, and bled my back with lashes of the whip if I happened to protest. I have no idea what kind of drugs they gave the other boys and me, but they made my head spun, and my fingers and limbs wouldn't stop twitching. After about a month and a half, I ran away from the 'therapy'; it completely broke my spirit. My father, however, was happy with the results because I no longer claimed to be gay. Three years later, when my fingers still twitched with fright, I was married to your mother without her knowledge of my truth.

At this point in my life, I have no semblance of hope except for you or your mother. Don't get me wrong. I do love your mother despite my sexuality, maybe more like my best friend and confidant. But she has no idea about my truth. Maybe, if I had told her, it would have been easier for you. But dear son, I am a broken man. After those dreadful one-and-a-half months, I could not forgive my soul for all the suffering. God forbid if I have to send you to such therapy under social pressure. Or worse, at your mother's request.

I set you free, son. I do not wish to hold you a prisoner of my life's sufferings. Wherever you go, you have your father's blessings and trust. Life is a beautiful journey. Discover yourself, visit places, learn, live your life, fight for living your life (if required, even against me), and love whoever your heart finds a home. I love you as you are. I wish you well-being and happiness.

Take care Ansh. I will miss you a lot.

With love,

Your father.

Ansh was sobbing when he ended reading the letter. He did not know his father was hiding so much pain and suffering behind his bright smile. He did not wish to leave his father broken like this, but he did not know how his mother might react if she knew another such truth. He decided it was best for both him and his father if he left. He carefully folded the letter with him, scribbled a note for his father and left quietly for the station.

The note read:

Dear dad, You are a very brave man, and you are the best father in the world. Love you a lot. 

Please forgive me for leaving like this. I hope one day I would be able to return home and be accepted for who I am.

I love you mom. I will miss you both.

Ansh.

AN: As per the current research, gender identity and sexual orientation are significantly influenced by events occurring during the early developmental period of the foetus, and not what genes are inherited. (Reference: Neurobiology of gender identity and sexual orientation (nih.gov))

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Beta read by: oye_nakhrewaali

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