The First Nail In The Coffin
16h April 2021, Friday
10:20 PM
Dear Diary,
You know, off late I get asked this question a lot, 'What is it that really went wrong?' Now, I feel that is a question that is too plain and simple to put forth but too too tough to supplement with an answer. Because, there are way too many massive, agonizing things that went wrong. I can think of one instance though, one instance that kind of rashly drove into existence all the other events involving things going so horridly wrong. That afternoon and everything that happened that afternoon, I will never be able to corner them out of my memories. It was like the first nail hammered into the coffin in which we had laid our relationship to rest.
I had a meeting that afternoon, a very important one. I was to present a project proposal to the client and finalize a huge deal. I had been working devotedly on the presentation for several months. I sat there adding finishing touches to the slides about half an hour before the meeting was scheduled to take place when I got a call. It was Ved's teacher on the other side. Ved had only started kindergarten a few months before and the teacher was concerned that no one was there to pick him up and hence, the boy had been crying over it, inconsolably. I remember panicking badly. Siddhanth had promised he would go fetch Ved from school that day! The teacher had added that she had contacted Ved's father before me and he had informed her he was caught up somewhere and couldn't make it.
Without letting my mind think at all, I had grabbed my car keys and set out to get Ved. I was too worried for my little boy to worry about the presentation.
When I got there at last, Ved was bawling just the way the teacher had described. I had hugged him so tight with all my love. I got him into the car and we were preparing to head home when boss called me up. We had lost the deal afterall. In my absence, the presentation could not happen and the client representatives had been furious of course and had gone on to cancel the deal. It had been a weighty loss to the firm and the boss blatantly held me responsible for it. Not taking into account the circumstances and not acknowledging how hard I had worked every single day to polish everything to perfection, he demanded I sent him my resignation in a day or two because he couldn't tolerate incompetence.
On our drive home, I felt something or the other in me falling to the floor and getting reduced to bits and pieces continuously. I had tears flowing down my face, I did nothing to wipe off and I had a running nose. I was glad Ved had fallen asleep in the car and didn't have to see me in a state as miserable as that.
Getting home, I put him to bed, then went and locked myself in the washroom and kept sobbing for about twenty whole minutes. I was feeling so maddeningly tired, so distraught, so devoid of all will and hope.
When Siddhanth came, even before allowing him in, I practically threatened him to tell me where he had been and why he didn't keep his promise of picking up Ved. He had apologized, sincerely. Said he was really caught up. He tried to offer an explanation but I, I wasn't ready to listen. All of my understanding and consideration stood defeated before my burning, uncontrollable fury and frustration. I held my head in my hands and told him I didn't want to listen. Told him to leave me alone. As I started to go inside, he grabbed my hand and asked me what had happened, his eyes filled with concern, a concern my rage wouldn't let me discern. That was it, that was IT. My anger took the form of a ravaging storm. I shouted at him, accusing him of never understanding, never caring, never loving me enough, never keeping promises. Spat out that he was the one who had caused me to lose everything including my job. Told him he never could see how hard I had been working to juggle work and take care of the house, of the kids, of him. And in the end, I basically just told him to shut up and go straight to hell.
I remember well how hurt and horrified he looked at that. Maybe, maybe if I had listened to him that day and had been more accommodating of him, things wouldn't have taken a turn as steep as this. Starting from that evening, everything between us has been going off the rails constantly and we did nothing to get them back on. Nail after nail was hammered into the coffin and we did nothing to pull those nails out. Now only the final nail remains to be hammered in and once that is done it will all be finally, gruesomely over.
Meghana.
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