Chapter 19

Chapter 19

We are nothing but the captives of our past. Captives of a horrible reality that has scarred us beyond healing…

Riya

Shree has never dared to question you like that Arjun!

It wasn’t her accusations, but the person who was associated with the statement that mattered the most. 

Shree has done enough. 

Shreekant Sen was no angel in my life. Nor was he my saviour. But he was no lesser either. I know what hurt him the most. It wasn’t because I left him. It was because I never told him before abandoning him. I broke that promise I made him years ago, that I wont leave again. Not without telling him. Of course I knew he would be there for me. He always was. But six years ago, I wanted that time for myself. There was enough chaos in my life that I forgot who else stood beside me.

I wasn’t always the happy girl ETF saw me during my initial days in the team. Nor was I the girl who would care enough who wants a coffee or chai when stressed. I was never the girl who’d smile at a person for no reason, let alone spare a glance. Socializing was a tough job for me so was trusting people. I was an emotional wreck. I always had issues. But somehow Shree had managed to change that for me. He always had those skills which get him to people, unflinchingly. Whereas, I was made for staying at the corners, far away from human interaction. Even though Shree didn’t literally dragged me out of the corner, he made me believe that stepping out willingly could be a nice step as the world might not be what I presumed it to be.

And Shree accepted me the way he saw me all his life. He even tried to shape me better cause he cared enough. I don’t know what made him so protective for me, but I was at least happy that someone is there who actually looked out for me.

Shree is mad at me not because I left. Shree is mad at me because once again I became the person he once tried to fix for better. Shree is mad because yet again, I am back to the reserved mode of not giving a f**k about anything. This must have maddened him. My changed attitude might be a surprise for others. But not for Shree who knew me inside out.

In ETF, I tried to be happy. Tried to trust people. But people weren’t happy with me. People didn’t trust me.

And today when he stopped me from meeting Mohit I knew what he thought. I will again take shade in sublime things. Ignoring what is real and what is not. But did he forget, we aren’t anymore in school? 

Deep down I know he still cares, but I have presented disappointment for him from my side which he couldn’t ignore. He must be feeling like he failed with me again. And who doesn’t hate failure?

Swiping the screen aside, I tried again to call him again but without any success. I was tired, too tired to do anything for the day. The exhaustion is wearing me out. When exactly I thought about giving myself some rest for the day, Anshu called me. 

There wasn’t any hello from his side nor was any greeting. He only said one thing that thrilled me, excited me to no boundary. “she’s up”! I closed my eyes as a relief washed over me with satisfaction. She’s up! Tasha is fine. “then what are you doing here calling me? Just go, get the hell out of here”, I laughed into the phone when I noticed how excited and relieved he sounded.

“thought we will go together?” He asked sadly.

“should have thought before deciding to give into ETFs request boss. Who will handle the case now? Other than that we are just a little away from getting our culprit. I want a full closure Anshu, I don’t want to return”! Then I revealed about the ID of the person and he sighed again, though I could imagine the blaze of his eyes when he heard about it.

“you know, just go and meet her. Tell her how worried you were for her and for heavens sake, think about Anjali. She needs to spend more time with you”! I said. He will definitely be a bit touchy about Anjali but he cant always run away from her. 

“we’ve had this discussion about Anjali.” He started arguing.

“I won’t call it a discussion Anshuman Kashyap. It was just your decision. She is going no where. She will stay there with you and that’s final.” I said cutting the call before he starts another argument. 

He needs to understand that with the job he has at hand he wont have time but Anjali is a just a kid who has lost her mother. It will be cruel to send her to the boarding school and deprive her from her father’s love as well. She’s only 10. I never knew what it felt to have a father. He never really had time. Neither for me nor for mom. But he sure did have time for other women.  And one day he abandoned us. He just left us without any word. Mom says, he’s dead for us. But for me he was dead, dead long before.

The last thing I would see is Anjali having the same childhood as I had, deprived of everything that a child needs to grow as an individual. I wont let Anshu do anything stupid that will degrade her childhood. It’s a been a while since I talked to this little devil. I dialed another number, but there was no answering from the other end. I will just surprise her by finally going back, when all of it is over. 

I am sure Saloni will make that call.

I groaned in pain, my arm twitched a bit and I realized I was putting all my pressure on the injured arm while resting. The pain is becoming an unbearable stance, too much that almost compelled me to knock on my neighbour’s  door asking for a dose of pain killer. Then I decided against it.

I have allowed him to invade me too easily lately. There shouldn’t be these bitter talks or cosy moments with him. What surprises me more is how can he hang around the perception of me being a relationship for that long? If not anything, his curiosity and impatience baffled me. Its difficult to see ACP Arjun Rawte hover over such issues to get distracted. He was visibly distracted from everything and I do not have an iota of implication that I might be the reason for it. No doubt he wants to fix things. What I don’t  understand is why now? Why is he conceding now? It couldn’t be just his guilt. It couldn’t be just a realization that I was right about everything before. What allows to make him agree to things more that he should after so many years?

Overthinking really wouldn’t reduce the pain I am feeling right now, would it? I still don’t want to go back and knock at his door. So finally I succumbed to the harrowing pain in my arm and pulled myself from the sofa to knock over my neighbours door. 

Keep it short Riya. Just ask him for a pill or two. If he compiles say thanks and leave immediately. Shree taught me this. How to act polite without offending anyone.

I knocked at his door. 

Once.

Twice.

And for the last time.

There was no response from inside. Maybe he is asleep. You are just disturbing him Riya. But I noticed something else. The door wasn’t locked. How irresponsible of a cop to leave his door open for invaders? Well in this case, I am the invader. He might have gone somewhere close. And I should leave. But going back inside my flat was the last thing I wanted to do.

The sky roared above my head as I realised its pouring mercilessly outside. I know where I have to go. I sprinted towards the elevator and took straight to the top floor, from there I took the stairs to finally open the door or the terrace. I always loved watching rain. It somehow comforted. I loved the power rain had over people. How it immobilizes everything.

Rain comforts me or maybe adds a ravenous sense to my sadness. But after all these years loving rain I realized one thing, that rain doesn’t make me happy. It just plays along, with my sadness. And now, as I am standing at the rooftop of my apartment, I am seeing sadness to all its transparency. 

Yet again I made a bad choice. I shouldn’t be here. I should have retired to my flat long before deciding to give into the peace endeavour. Because now I know there is no going back, not after what I am witnessing right now.

He wouldn’t realize I am looking at him. He wouldn’t realise I am just standing right behind him while he’s standing there, surrendering himself to the wrath of the sky. it is pouring in  mercilessly but he looks like it doesn’t affect him much. He looks like a clear picture of melancholy, too fragile to intrude as if he will morph into the furiously tapping rain drops. Standing there, way too closer to the edge and keeping both his hands on the boundary he stirred in me some emotions I have never cared to look back at. 

I found myself frozen in a time when it didn’t matter at all. I cant stop. Not now. Not when I am seeing the way his existence is shattering into droplets. I came out, from the roof shielding me and stepped into the furiously beating rain as I made my way towards him.

I hesitated for a moment, how I came this far to make a move in front of him? And looking at his current state felt like there is no going back from here. I don’t know the consequences of what I am doing right now but it is the only right thing that I feel I could do. There was an old lover inside me who always wanted to comfort this man. To take away all his pain. I didn’t realize how I could still give into those emotions, until now.

It doesn’t mean anything Riya. Remember how Dr. Mehra made you calm. You can do this.

I placed my shaky hand over his shoulder. The touch alerted every dormant nerve in my body and they responded the same way as before. Even if I forget this proximity, my body wont. He stilled in his position, not realizing who I am and then I turned him to face me.

Something implode. Something shattered right there. Those boundaries I have made around us, those thorns pricking my soul threatened to shatter right in front of me when I finally took a glance at the hollow face in front of me. It pained to see this much sadness in front of my eyes. My hands reached for his, when I tried to drag him towards the entrance. But he wont. He was frozen in his spot, his body too cold to be normal and his feeble breathing too slow to count. Nothing looked good about the whole scenario. 

“We need to get you down to your flat.” I said when I tried again to drag him inside. Then something froze me too. His hands touched my arms as his chin slumped over my shoulder. His touch shook me to the core. My nerve endings didn’t help me much as I felt ripples broke over my skin. His effects on me weren’t new. But it didn’t feel the same the way it did when he cornered me in the elevator. This felt even more intimate, too intimate to be described in words. And then something laughed at me. It was my subconscious, and it screamed at me, calling me out for how unguarded I am right now.

“Its too difficult Riya… too difficult knowing it’s over and knowing I have nothing to hold onto… too difficult to realise I have impaired things because of my own selfish reasons. And too difficult because I cant fix everything”, he said in a low voice. I didn’t need to look at his face to realize the tears brimming in his eyes that is now blending with the rain. Slowly I saw his body sliding down as I felt him wrapping his arm around my waist, his face pressed to my tummy, his knees touching the ground. The hold around my waist tightened, he let out a gasp and cried uncontrollably. And I was clueless as to what I should do?

I didn’t know when my hand travelled to rest over his shoulder as I snaked my other hand around his nape, hugging him closer than I should allow myself to. But he needs to be pulled out from the sadness he is letting himself to drown. “Everyone have something to hold on to ACP. You will find too”. I said, trying my best to console him.

“But what if I already have lost the chance”. He said between the sobs.

“You never lose a chance. Its human stupidity and tendency to make bad choices. Maybe you made pretty bad choices. But that’s okay. That’s okay if you cant fix things. We as human beings do a lot of mistakes without thinking about consequences. But then do we always let our mistakes define us?” I told him everything I could to pacify him. I untangled his arms around my waist and crouched down to his level. His head still hung below, a devastating sight I never intended to witness but I am here facing it all. 

I placed both my palms over his cheeks and pulled his face up making him look at me. He looked too void to have any life in him. He looked no less than a person who is emotionally  paralyzed. 

“We both know what loss feels like ACP, and we both know what it made us. But  what’s  worse is to let this loss define us too. Just like our mistakes”.

“Then why are you doing the same to yourself?”

“Maybe I wanted this change in myself. It’s not loss. You can call me a hypocrite for that. But it’s not the change. I was always this way. Before I knew you. Before anyone in ETF knew except Shree. You know, I tried enough to blend in, to care enough. But that was pretty difficult for me. I don’t think I can ever go back to that. You are never same you know… after  everything. And who knows this better than you…” I said. I didn’t intend to bring his past up. But it’s a mutual thing. He nodded in agreement. What made this cold hearted ACP agreeing to me more than he should?

“so shall we go?” I asked him calmly and got up dragging him along with me. We got into the elevator after going down via the stairs. I noticed I was still holding onto his shoulder when we finally reached our doors. My mind said to leave him there. My heart said to make sure this guy doesn’t slump himself to hypothermia. 

I opened the door and let us both into his flat. I wasn’t surprised by the look of his living room though. It is a mess, just like his thoughts right now.

“I hope you just keep your essentials in all the right places”. I said more to myself when I walked towards the sofa and made room for him to sit, keeping aside the open files, papers and small tea cups made of paper. I stared at him while he sat on the sofa. 

“I am not that of a regular cleaner you know. Not like you.” He said, “I clean whenever I feel like.” I entirely didn’t need to what cleaning habits he has now owing to the fickleness he has right now I listener. It took entire five minutes to find a towel which was surprisingly dangled over a chair on the dining area. A layer of dust covering the table was enough for me understand that this man doesn’t have a great appetite. 

When I got back to the living room, he was sitting there like a statue. Without wasting any time, I rubbed wet hair with the towel as he flinched at the sudden touch. “I will do it.” He said and I vanished into his bedroom. I found a black vest and a grey tee shirt, to match it with I found a pair of black trousers and then brought it back to him.

“You should go and change.” I said, placing his clothes on the armrest of the sofa. 

“I think you should go and sleep”. He shot back. And for the first time after I came back, I saw his retreat. 

He knows that there is no point in staying over here after the case is over. I didn’t know what was pulling me but suddenly I was contradicting everything I have decided before. Now I wanted to stay here even though there is nothing left for me here. Suddenly I didn’t feel like taking this farewell. This time I am getting a closure. A closure from  this  city. A closure from the people of this city. This  should put me to the calmness I always craved. But as I stood here in the messy flat of my not so dear Mr. Neighbour, I was far away from that peace.

“I have to make sure you are not collapsed in a battle with hypothermia ACP. So go and change. I  will wait here”.

“can you stop calling me ACP. Can you not call me Arjun”? He said out of no where. Having a breakdown can have jittering effects on your brain. He was no different. 

“Does it matter to you what I call you or not?”  I asked.

“Yes. It does.” He’s being stubborn now.

“okay well AC… Arjun. Now go and change”. His stiff posture softened and he finally disappeared in the hallway towards his bedroom.

I replayed the events of the day in my mind. This is too bad. I should just leave.

I was brought back from my thoughts to reality by a husky voice. I turned to look at the source of the voice. I walked back to him as he looked clean and fresh. I placed my palm over his head and I was welcomed to a fuzzy warmth of his body. Hypothermia probability zero.

“I think I should go and sleep now”! I said and finally turned to go.

But then I felt him dangerously close to me when he dragged me towards the sofa and made me sit there. 

“What are you doing”? I asked puzzled.

“Making sure, you don’t die out of blood loss ACP.” He said as his hands reached for my right arm, where I was shot last night. I took a look at the horror in front of me. How the hell I didn’t notice the loose bandage and the blood that oozed out after that which now looks a horrifying image of a brutal massacre. My white shirt made it look more exaggerated. And then I remembered something. Everything got out of hand in quest of a stupid pain killer.

He didn’t wait for me to do anything as his fingers already started working on my sleeve. He rolled it up to reveal the wound and stared hard at the blood oozing out. Giving me a gnawing look he reached for the drawer and pulled a first aid box.

As much I tried, it was nearly impossible to ignore the tingles that run in my body when his fingers grazed over my arm. I found myself surrendering to the feelings that once had made me too vulnerable. His complete focus was on my arm, when he unwrapped the old bandage. 

The raw flesh of the wound with a hole in it gaped at me for attention. He pressed the cotton soaked with antiseptic over the wound and I gasped due to the burn I felt. My good hand automatically reached to his shoulder while he was kneeling beside me. Suddenly he flinched at the touch. Embarrassed, I removed my hand immediately.

It’s true that he was weak a moment back and could have leaned onto anyone close to him who would have offered comfort. You just happened to be there Riya. Don’t overthink.

“Its done”, he said and snapped me out of my thoughts. I stared at the neatly bound bandage over my arm.

He cleared his voice as to say something. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“It’s late. I should go.” I said letting out no response from me and got up from the sofa.

“Won’t you ever forgive me”?  His voice was weak again. He was desperate for a closure.

“I have already told you AC… Arjun. But I can’t forget. Even if I try to, they always come back to me asking me for justice. And no matter how much I try, I can’t keep you out of the picture. That you still had a chance. We still had a chance at everything. What changed that day?” I didn’t want to start it again. Not after the breakdown he had just encountered. But I guess think I should give him a closure…so let’s face it already. 

For both of our sanity.

“It was true that I didn’t trust you that day.” He said. I knew it since the time he decided to pull that trigger that killed Dr. Shukla. But having him say it right in front of me felt no less than a tight slap on my face.

“I know that. But why? This why has been  bothering me since very long Arjun. Why?” I asked finally hoping to get an answer. Finally seeing a way to get both of us from this misery.

“I… I didn’t trust you enough to save yourself from the doctor!”

“You trusted me with your life when you ran out of bullets. Don’t give me the bulls**t that you still had any doubts on my capabilities.” I said sternly. “I repeatedly told you to stop.”

“I never ran out of bullets. I just wanted you to shoot”! He said. What he said stunned me to react. How could he do that?

“You don’t know how it looked like Riya. Even though the guilt of not saving those many people will still haunt me, I don’t regret shooting that doctor”! He said unflinchingly. His words enraged me.

“You know what? I thought now you are different. You are at least realizing what should have been done that day. But no, I was all too wrong. You are just as adamant as you were before. But it was my mistake… I thought we could talk this out. Get ourselves a closure. 

But no…

I think you should’ve just let me have my way with the doctor.

Or you should have just shot me before you shot the doctor.”

“riya…

I … I was trying to save you.” He finally said as his voice staggered. Then it hit me hard.

He was trying to save me.

He was trying to save me.

He wasn’t acting anyway rational. 

He wanted to save me?

He didn’t care enough to listen to me.

And he’s saying he wanted to save me.

How dare he? 

“No Arjun, you were just trying to save yourself. Because it always haunted you. Didn’t it? How dare you think I could be the rebound to your relentless guilt?

It’s not because you wanted to save me. You killed the doctor because you couldn’t save her. You wanted to save me cause you couldn’t save her. But at what cost? Have you ever realized the consequences?” His eyes shot up instantly as his nostrils flared up in what looked like anger.

“Yes!” he screamed. 

“Yes! I did that because that time when you were meddling with the doctor I didn’t find a way you could get out.” He inched closer, putting both his hands on my arms. This time it hurts. I felt the rage underneath his expression as his hands pressed onto my shoulders. “Everything blurred for me Riya… I felt like I saw her, stretching her arms out and asking for me to save her. I felt like I was losing her again right in front of me and I couldn’t do anything about it because of my helplessness. But then I felt the strength in my body and I just pulled the trigger. That was a helpless sight for me Riya. I just desperately wanted to save you… I didn’t want to lose you”! What he said afterwards was a mere whisper.

“but you didn’t look like you were afraid of losing me in that trial. How could you just stay this impassive about it? How could you not speak a single word that should have given me a slightest hint that you just wanted to save me.

I hate myself to say this Arjun, but I don’t believe that you didn’t want to lose me. 

In reality, you couldn’t let her go. And in some surreal moments

You 

Didn’t 

Want

To

Lose

Her.

I just happened to be there for your absolution Arjun.” I know what I have said. I know I have crossed the boundary. I can never take those words back to me. But then was I ever at fault? Looks like now I am, because the hollowness of his eyes gaped at me with a piercing sensation. And I can never fix it. You never gave him chance to hate you. But now you did. 

“how could you say that? You don’t know how it feels. You don’t know…”!

“don’t you f***ing start with that now ACP Arjun Rawte.” I throw his arms away that were holding onto me till now.

“Don’t.” I stared hard into his hollow eyes seeking any faint sign of regret for what he just said, but there were none.

“What had you said? The ones who have lost their love are the only ones who can understand the pain of losing it? 

Didn’t you? 

You called me out to have it realise myself.

And I did Arjun.

I did.

I fell in love.

But you know what’s worse?

You had your love…

I never had mine.

You say your story remained incomplete.

And Mine? Mine never started.

You talk about pain and remorse? What would I talk about? 

Desperation for a little emotions that people say feels eternal. Or hopelessness of my own desires that gave me nothing but heartbreak?

I got no f***ing right to blame you for feeling any of this because it was all about me.

But you got no f***ing right to tell me that I don’t know or that I  don’t understand.” Saying so I turned to leave. 

“Riya… wait, I didn’t  mean to…”! He started.

“you don’t have to feel sorry about anything.

You wanted to explain. You did.

I wanted answers. I got my answers.

And I am done with this now.

You asked me if I will ever forgive you?

Fine Arjun, I forgive you. Just never ever bring this up again.

I’d try to forget.

I’d try to keep you out of the picture.”

I sprinted out of his flat. Screw the pain killers. I have added enough agony for the night to pass already. I opened my door and shut it with a thud. My legs didn’t allow me to go further as I felt dizziness swept across my body, my steps tumbled and I leaned back on the door. Even then my legs didn’t feel like they have enough strength to keep me standing.

I was falling apart.

If not love? Then what else will you make vulnerable?

There are many things you know…

Loneliness.

Waiting.

Hoping against hope.

Nonreciprocal feelings.

Falling dignity.

Tattered self respect.

Above all, being helpless about every of those things. 

My body slides down across the door and I slumped on the floor right there. My visions blurred, I couldn’t see anything because an shaggy dampness clouded my vision. And what felt like after years, I found myself crying uncontrollably…