Into The Rain

4 years ago

Nushrat

@Nush_Rat

Into The Rain

I lay, immobile, as I felt the droplets of rain pouring over my impaled body; excruciating pain being the only reminder that I was still breathing. The rhythm of the falling rain that used to pervade my being with a dreamy languor, today I could feel the caress of death in its ice-cold embrace. 

Ever since I was a child, I have been fascinated by rain. When the sky opened its doors and swamped the earth with its blessings, I felt it wasn’t just the nature that got cleansed but my soul too. As the first droplets of rain would touch my skin, I could feel my inhibitions drifting away with the stream. In that moment, I didn’t feel like the child who was abandoned by her father nor did I feel like the wretched soul who brought misery for everyone around her. I was simply a girl who wanted to collect the raindrops on the fringe of her stole and get integrated with mother nature. And there was my best friend who didn’t enjoy rain at all. Yet somehow he managed to tolerate it for my sake.

“It is said that when God Himself cries, His tears pour over us in the form of unseasonal rain…

And you know I can’t see anyone sad...”

That’s what he believed. Even when I used to make fun of him for being such a softie, deep down, I always wondered how could someone be so compassionate! He was the type of person who would bring a smile on everyone’s face even when he himself felt miserable. Like a candle, he would burn himself out but never stop from dissipating light into other’s lives. The myth of unseasonal rain being God’s tears, he believed in it so much that whenever I got excited seeing rain and ran out to enjoy myself, he would always come running and provide me with some sort of shed. He would apologize to God for my mischief. Even if he had to bear the wrath himself, he would gladly accept it as long as I was happy. However, it never stopped him from bickering. Nor did it stop me from playing with him or splashing rainwater on his face.

I never told this to him but I imbibed his belief. I wanted to die on a rainy day. What could be more poetic than the nature mourning your departed soul? I might be insignificant to others but dying on a moment when the Creator Himself cried - seemed fascinating to me.  

Never had I ever thought that one day my prayer would be answered. As I felt the downpour trickling down my wound and sending chills across my body, I realized death was not far away. Was God really crying with me today? Or did He unleash His wrath on me in the form of a cloudburst, for destroying the man who loved me unconditionally?   

Yes, I destroyed him. The man who loved me to death, I shattered his heart into a million pieces. He was my best friend, my husband, the love of my life. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. But the path I chose, brought nothing but destruction for him. When I should have spent my every waking moment assuring him about my love, I chose to wear a veil of pretense and crushed his soul with my indifference. I tormented him to the extent where death seemed more merciful.

His face flashed before my eyes. His warm smile that never left the corners of his mouth and eyes that radiated love and compassion, the way he captured little moments of happiness and shared that joy with others, the day when we got married.   

“Apart from you, my heart has room for a heartbeat only, so that I can live and spend my entire life professing my love for you.”

Ranveer Waghela! A man of his word. He kept his end of the bargain. I was the center of his world and he gave me the one thing I had always craved for - love. He loved me so much that an entire lifetime wouldn’t be enough to savor it.

“I love you! I’ll wait for your answer.”

He just wanted to hear those three magical words and I desperately wanted to tell him how much I loved him. How his mere presence lit up my world and gave my life a meaning. That day I was waiting for him as his bride. Unable to withheld my emotions, I confessed my feelings over phone,

“I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you so much!

I wish you were here with me so I could say this looking straight into your eyes!” 

“Baby! I know you love me a lot. You were just too afraid to say it out loud…

I hope you and Ranveer had a proper conversation before he left for the conference...

He is not gonna return to you Ishaani! After this moment, you’ll only have his memories to cherish.”

Chirag Mehta! That monster ensured my beloved’s destruction even in his death. But I couldn’t let that happen. Chirag was my mistake. If someone had to go down with him, it had to be me. I was the one who brought him into our lives and I couldn’t let his unholy shadow befall on Ranveer. He deserved to live. He deserved to rule. He deserved to be remembered as the boy who had risen from ashes like a Phoenix and conquered the world. But it wouldn’t be possible as long as he was tied to me. I knew he would never be able to move on from me. And I couldn’t leave him behind to suffer his entire life. I had to free his heart from my love, my memories, my very existent. I had to obliterate myself so that he could thrive. For a Phoenix to rise from its ashes, it has to burn first. And that’s what I did to him. I hurt him in the worst possible way, hoping he would finally let go off me. But he didn’t.

“Please Ishaani! Tell me that you love me! Tell me that you belong with me! I am dying, please save me! Why can’t you profess your feelings when you are in love with me? Give me that assurity, give me that security that you love me. Please! Tell me once that you love me. I’ll die otherwise.”

I clutched my wound as I recalled his tearful eyes. I had never seen him so broken before. Even in that state he was pondering over every possibility that could explain the sudden change in my behavior. He was suffocating with my cruelty and held onto those moments where I promised him a life full of love. For a moment there, I fell weak. Even though I knew he mustn’t know the truth, I had to profess my feelings before I died.

“I love you Ranveer! I love you so much! I can never think of loving someone else. Even if I spend my entire life loving you, it will fall short in comparison to the way you have loved me. When you are with me, I feel alive. You make me want to live life to the fullest. I belong with you. I love you!”

The moment I bared my heart to him, I saw tranquility taking over the restlessness in his eyes and he melted into my arms. How I wish time had stopped there and I could spend my entire life in his embrace! But I had to break his heart. As I pushed him aside, I saw how his eyes started losing its flicker again. He gulped at my words, his hands became shaky. I insulted him, mocked him for his loyalty that meant the world to him. The venom I spewed at him was taking over my own consciousness but he just stood there, devastated at the betrayal of the person for whom he had fought with the entire world. At the end of the day, she herself proved how foolish he was to believe a servant can ever be loved.

“You signed on the divorce papers because you hate me, right? I’ll sign these papers because I love you. If our separation brings you happiness, then I’ll do it. But I’ll always regret that you only considered me as your servant. I wish you had considered me as your friend. At least then you wouldn’t have hated me so much.”   

The only regret he had was that I didn’t even consider him a friend. Hatred was the only remaining emotion between us. Disbelief was finally replaced by submission as the last drop of tear trickled down his cheeks and he let out a dry smile.

“I’ll do whatever you say. After all, I am your servant.”

I had to hope that in my betrayal, he would find the strength to move on. God knows the pain I had felt when I uttered those words. God heard my silent cry when I saw my mother, hiding her face because she couldn’t meet my eyes and witness the monstrosity in her once so naïve daughter. I gasped as I recalled my mother. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out.

“You don’t care about anyone.”

She was right. At the end of the day, my one decision destroyed everyone’s life. In my determination to save his life, I didn’t care for anybody else, not even my mother. I was the living proof of my biological father’s infidelity. A burden that my mother could have gotten ridden of and moved on with her life. But she didn’t. She loved me and spent her entire life bearing the taunt of society so that I could thrive. But what did I do? I was so blind in my twisted idea of love and sacrifice that I didn’t even bother to think how my demise would affect my mother. And when I came back, I realized even my death had brought shame upon her. I was dying to meet her once, to sleep on her lap, to tell her that I didn’t kill anyone. But you have to reap what you sow. She was right in front of my eyes but I couldn’t bring myself to face her. And when she herself wanted to meet me, she died. Her face floated in front of me like a flash of lightning. Did she really hate me? Was she angry and wanted to curse me for returning? Or had she finally forgiven me? She was my mother after all. Would she take me in her embrace once I see her in afterlife?

“Ishaani!I don’t know how your belongings reached there. But I know you can never do something like this. Why are you silent? Why don’t you say something dear? Tell them that you didn’t murder anyone. Otherwise they’ll take you to jail. Please speak up! Tell them you are not a murderer.”

My eyelids became heavy with fatigue. All this destruction and for what? I kept pacifying myself saying I was doing this for him. But did I truly know him? I just made up in my mind that he would be better off without me. How could I not realize his life started and ended with me? He lost himself the moment he felt I chose Chirag over him. Death seemed more satisfying to him than hating me.

“In all these years if I have ever truly loved you, If God truly exists, then I wish instead of prolonging my life He ends it right away!”

Then how could I believe everyone but him? How could I even think that seven months was enough for him to move on from me and start a family?

“Ishaani! You are alive! You are right in front of my eyes! I knew you would come back for me! You don’t know how I have spent all these months without you. I was a living corpse. Today I got my life back. I kept waiting for you. That was my life’s only purpose. Now that you are here with me, I am never gonna let you go again!”

Even after everything I had put him through, he held onto my memories. And I squandered his hope all over again.

“Whoever loved you, whoever wanted you, they got death in return. First your father - Harshad Parekh, then that Chirag, and now your mother. Stay away from my son. Otherwise he too will perish in your companionship.”

I was so afraid of losing him that I couldn’t even realize I was killing him with my pretense instead. I was worried about the child who might lose its father because of me. I was worried about that so called friend who didn’t think twice before taking my place. I was hell bent on saving the man’s life who meant the world to me. But I conveniently forgot why did I fall in love with him in the first place. The man who lived for other’s happiness, who could never insult a woman, the man who could die for his beloved’s happiness even when his love was unrequited, how could I even think that he wouldn’t do the right thing? Was it because I committed the same mistake and felt he wasn’t capable of doing better?

“It might take you some time to realize that you are in love with someone. But if that same person starts hating you, an entire lifetime falls short to come to terms with that.”

Even when I thought I was going to die, I was at peace. I knew he loved me. We had so little time together but it felt epic. I closed my eyes with his picture in it; satisfied that I was dying for him and prayed for him to find love again. Yet when I saw my own prayers to be answered, it hurt. It hurt to see him with another woman. It hurt when I got to know that he was going to be a father. It hurt to enter into the same room which once belonged to us. Everything remained the same - the cupboard, the mirror, the bed. Nothing had changed except for me. The mirror that had once witnessed our silliest of arguments, in its reflection I saw the shell of a person who had lost her everything but had no one to blame but herself for her misery. The bed that was once an object of dispute and his favorite tool to annoy me, that same wooden furniture reminded me of someone else’s presence around him. Every inch of that room was filled with our shared memories but all I could see was, how I got replaced from his life.

“Tapti Zameen Pe Bahaar Lane Ke Liye Baarish Ki Pehli Boond Ko Bhi Faana Hona Padhta Hain!” 

“To bring spring to the parched land, even the first drop of rain has to be eliminated!”

I wanted to become that first drop of rain in his withered life. I found salvation in my annihilation as I felt it would give him life. But I could not be more wrong. My departure was the reason he became lifeless in the first place. He was a simple man, indifferent to the treachery of people but firm in his own belief. He wasn’t interested in the twisted tales of love and companionship. He stood true to his belief and kept waiting for me. Perhaps it was easier for him to believe that at some point, I did love him genuinely than to accept the truth that I had deserted him.

“I wish you a happy married life!”

Tears blurred my eyes as I recalled him. Despite my innumerable attempts, he never let go off me. When we were young, he would often feign playfulness to hide his sorrow. Years passed by, but his habit didn’t change. Everyone saw the shrewd businessman, the obsessive ex-husband who didn’t know how or when to let go and came up with different tactics every alternating day to defame me. For them, I was the damsel in distress and he was the soulless monster. But when I looked into his eyes, all I could see was that little boy who was waiting for his best friend to comfort him. He might spew venom at me but I saw desperation in his eyes; as if he was trying to get a response out of me. God knows how much it hurt to see him in that condition. But it was too late. I took a decision and he moved on. So many people were linked to us and I couldn’t let them down. I knew he could never love someone else the way he had loved me. But I also knew he deserved happiness and misery was the only thing our union had brought upon him. He deserved to have a loving wife who would never leave him. He deserved to hold his own kid and experience the joy of fatherhood.  

The day when he came to apologize to me and Shikhar, I felt like dying. The man who had never bowed down in front of anyone, came and sought forgiveness for a mistake that wasn't his to begin with. When he folded his hands, it felt like someone had squeezed my lungs and there wasn’t enough air in the room. He kept stammering and couldn’t look into my eyes. And when he finally did, I saw yearning in his eyes. As if he was silently praying for a miracle that I might say something. All he needed was one nod from my side and he would go against the entire world. But all he got was more humiliation. As he wished us for our future, I saw the last bit of hope leaving his eyes. Everyone was dancing in the wake of a new beginning when I saw his end, along with mine, as he walked out of the house.

At the juncture of life and death, when I was lying on the lonely road, I tried to open my eyes one last time to make my final prayer. Love, hatred or my mere presence, whatever it was, I was the reason for his agony. Perhaps it was only fair that I was taking my last breath when he was about to start afresh.

I failed. I failed as his best friend who let people throw him to vultures, I failed as his wife who brought nothing but darkness in his life and I failed to be his beloved as I witnessed how I ruined his life with my impulsive decisions.

If there was a God, I deserved punishment. But why should he pay the price for my lunacy? He deserved all the love in this world. He deserved to know the truth. Even when I was losing my consciousness, a part of me still urged me to wake up and fight for him. With great effort, I mustered the energy to shout for help. I don’t know how much time had passed before I heard someone screaming my name.

“Ishaani!” I opened my half-closed eyes against the heavy shower and saw him. There he was! Indescribable dread plastered on his face. He was running towards me like it was the end of the world. Even in the pouring rain, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

“Whenever I feel upset, I come here to read books.”

“So, if I can’t find you anywhere else, I’ll just have come here, right?”

“Yes! But don’t reveal this secret to anyone.”

“Okay! But how will you hide from me?”

He found me! As the distance seemed to be getting shorter with each passing moment, my whole body trembled in an undeniable desire. May be I was fortunate enough to die in his arms after all. The pain subsided and the world became silent. My lips curved into a final smile. My life began the day I had fallen in love with him. What could be more satisfying than ending it on his lap? My tired eyelids finally gave up as I was sinking into the abyss of oblivion.

Perhaps this was our destiny, destroying ourselves in our burning passion. It's a pity we could not unite in this lifetime. But I wish in every other lifetime, in every alternate scenario I found my way back to him. I wish my love hadn’t become the end of him. With his name on my lips, I closed my eyes with a strange serenity - "Ranveer!"

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