Chapter 11

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[NOCOPY]

Hey guys,  i am really glad for your lovely replies.

So here i am with the next update like i have said i will update soon

even though its not the chapter i mentioned in the precap this is very important.

the precap chapter will be up very soon.

hope you enjoy this chapter.

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Chapter 12

Riya

You don’t regret actions. But you do have some say about the moment you decide to give into that action.

“We lost him to XoraII outbreak...”. These words keep coming back for me. Even after I left the room. Just the mention of that outbreak made my muscles tense, my breathing heavy. I can’t focus on anything else now. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Don’t want to listen to anyone. I just need to forget. I just need the void to engulf me. I wanted to be far and far away from everything. I didn't have to come here. I didn't have to re-join ETF even if it's temporary. I have nothing left here.

It’s the fifth time I ignored his call and put the phone to rest. There is a lot many things in my life that I cannot change. My past and my family. Yet I can tolerate them. But that one situation will remain unchanged forever. It will suffocate me till I die. And I just know it. Nothing, literally nothing could uplift the burden of this guilt from my life. And it’s all because ACP Arjun Suryakant Rawte!!!

There was a knock on my hotel room door. That must be Anshu. What more would I tell him? That I am still not over with this! I ignored him for some moment. He kept on knocking. If he has something in his mind, nothing could stop him. Who am I? I slowly walked towards the door and opened it.

And it’s Anshu.  He rushed inside worriedly as I stepped aside to let him in. And then he turned to me. He was genuinely worried and I felt really sad to put him though this. He’s already too stressed about this case then about Tasha. This guy needs a break.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you okay"? He asked in a tensed voice. I acted to ignore his question and pulled the chair beside the bed asking him to sit. He shook his head, an expression of disbelief masked all over his face.

“I understand its difficult for you here with all of them but I think you shouldn’t let the past become heavy on yourself”, he said. And he’s right also. Like I said, I thought I was over with this but now. My mind still holds the bitter memories of that day and I am not seeing any single way to wipe it out from my mind.

“Also I can’t tolerate outsiders calling my teammate an irresponsible officer”! My head shot up in surprise even though there was nothing surprising in it. And I know who this outsider is. There is nothing new about this or his words. Because ACP Arjun Rawte has always considered me as irresponsible.

“Are you going to say something or not?” My silence doesn’t bother him much and he’s used to it but this time he is unrest. And so am I. I passed the glass of water to him,finally made myself comfortable on the bed and looked at him. He sure can read my eyes.

“the doctor... he had a son”! I started speaking.

“So this case is related to his son? What did you find out Ri”?

“I don’t know Anshu if its related to the murder...”!

“Then what is wrong”?

“ They lost him during the XoraII outbreak...”. I don’t know what else shall come out of my mouth. My throat felt dry. His expression changed from curiosity to concerned to despair.

“Look Riya,whatever happened that day wasn’t your fault. You tried your best... and for how long will you let yourself wallow in this guilt. I never considered you as the guilty one and you should do that too...”. Most of the things that he said was right and felt right to hear. But why the bloody hell I can’t do that?

“It suffocated me there Anshu. I couldn’t meet my eyes with Preetika. That’s why I left”!

“I think you should talk...”!

“Talk with whom?”

“Just talk with any of them and let it out. The longer it will stay with you, the longer it will cause you pain...”! I smiled at his words. Was I ever away from pain?

“I will talk to Shree”! I said. If there is anyone who could handle me with this that is Shree. How am I still expecting anything from him? I was blinded by my own problems that I didn’t see how it must have affected him. I broke a promise and I don’t really know if we can be back to our older selves.

“Isn’t he the angriest among them”? Anshu raised a brow. That almost cracked me, but I composed myself. Shree and angry? “You should have asked before flirting with his girlfriend . Other than that, he has every rights to be. I could only hope that he forgives me Anshu, I won’t ask for more!”

“And what about the other one?” I know who exactly he was speaking about. I myself don’t know where I stand with my emotions after all these years. What more would I expect?There was a time when I couldn’t see anything beyond him. They say when you love someone your world starts revolving around them. Had not I spent any day without thinking about him. There was a hope, that one day it will work between us. And I don’t know what hope sounds like with him anymore. I sneaked out of my love, thinking he didn’t see or didn’t felt. And I was right. How would he?He didn’t love me. He never loved me.

When I was at the backseat, he kept staring me all the way. His eyes told me he held emotions I have seen never before. His eyes always had a sort of void. But today I saw something else. I saw things I have always craved to see in them. I don’t know what to do with those emotions. But is he aware? Is he aware about what he wants for himself? I know all sort of emptiness that life presents. And he’s going through the same. I just don’t know where I stand in his life or does it even matter to him? The greater question remains. Does it matter to me?

“ what about the other one means what? It never started between us.” It doesn’t pain anymore to say that.

“what? You never told him that you love him?” he asked in disbelief.

“do you believe drinking and talking gibberish as confession?” I asked sceptically.

“You didn’t really drink your ass off to get the courage to confess to him?” now he is laughing.

“No I didn’t get drunk intentionally. There was case and we were undercover. It’s weird not to drink when you’re in a pub.” I remember that day. That only day in my life when I was too drunk to remember what happened in the morning. “All I remember is I woke up in Ravi lodge. Where Arjun Sir was staying those days. Maybe he took me with him because I was too drunk to even walk all by myself.”

“And you don’t remember what you said while you were drunk”?

“No I don’t remember ,but I know what I have said that day.”

“How so”?

“all of us had bugs and recorders in our assets, so when shree was analysing them he found interesting recordings that he didn’t chose to disclose. He send those recordings to me.”

Flashback

I woke up to the heat of sun ray’s piercing my face. My head felt heavy and I wasn’t yet ready to open my eyes. I heard heavy footsteps at a distance, but I couldn’t decipher the direction of the sound. So I forced myself to open my eyes. This isn’t my room. Everything felt different, the walls, its colors, the window, the curtains. My head started spinning heavily and as I couldn’t gather what has happened. How I managed to land myself in this unknown place. Through the blurriness of my visions I saw a figure moving closer to me. My defensive instincts kicked in the moments I sensed something was not right. But my muscles felt too weak to even lift a hand.

“Have this.Everything will be clear...”. I heard someone say. The voice was too familiar to forget. So I blinked several times forcing my eyes to open and see the person. Clad in a grey t-shirt he was standing with a glass of some kind of drink. It looked like lemonade to me.

He came closer,sitting at the edge of the bed, and placed the tray and the glass on the bed. I noticed the logo of the some kind on the tray and realized it’s not someone’s home. It’s a hotel room.

What the hell am I doing here? That to with Arjun Sir?? I tried hard to remember about last night.But all I could remember was asking for another drink to the attendant. So this is what looks like the aftermath of a hangover. What have I done? How I ended up being here? I am left with nothing but questions only. And Arjun sir? What he must be thinking about me? How did I really behave with him last night?

“Sir...” I tried to speak, but nothing came into my mind. He raised his hand stopping me. Then he handed me the glass. Without having anything to do, I took the glass and gulped the lemonade without any stop. Last night he was a little bit protective in the pub, but today he’s totally back to his previous self. Same indifference and same ignorance. What did I do last night? I have to find out.

When I looked at myself, I was in the same outfit as last night, just my heels were missing. He was staring at me. The whole situation became awkward.

“I can see you are really not aware of what happened last night”. He said. What happened last night and why does he sound so grave? I don’t know what to reply.

“How much you really had to make you have a hangover like this?” his voice had a sense of disbelief.I am not a drunkard. I had only a few shots.

“Sir I think someone has spiked my drink”. He shook his head, his lips curled. I couldn’t say he smiled. “I didn’t expect you to be this lame Riya.” He said. “I saw how you were asking for more drinks.” And I was caught. I closed my eyes , breathed in and looked at him with a little clarity now. “I am not used to drinking sir.Last night just...happened, I am really sorry I put you through all this.”

“Think before you drink and who you are with. I won’t be there always with you.” He said sharply.

“But you were there with me...” I said. He simply had no reaction to whatever I just said.Instead he stood up and turned to leave. He couldn’t go just like that. But what am I really expecting from him? Isn’t he so clear about what he wants? And he doesn’t want you in his life Riya. Then why would he care enough to bring me here with him. He should have just left me with Shree.

“Where was Shree last night?” I asked hoping for a reply that finally won’t disappoint me.

“ Rathod needed some technical assistance at the head office, so they left”!

“And left you with me?”

“what do you want to hear Riya?” He finally asked.

Something you will never say to me.

“What?” He his eyes held surprise more than curiosity. Was I really so loud about what I just said.

“Never mind. Umm... do you know where is my phone? I need to call Shree.” I asked considering our conversation about last night has no point as I don’t remember anything and he won’t divulge anything.

He reached out to his pocket and pulled a phone, then stretched his hand to finally give me my phone. “ I put it on silent. The ringtone was irritating.” Did he just really say that my ringtone is irritating? How dare he? I don’t need his opinion about my ringtone.

“ I didn’t expect you to like it anyway.” I said narrowing my eyes. I was never this audacious before and somewhat he found that intimidating. I could clearly see him thinking of a reply but he shook his head instead and behaved as if he didn’t hear me. Sure I don’t remember anything about last night. But something had happened. Otherwise he won’t be this silent about it. He looked calm which is very unusual. I have to find out.

I took my phone and I was sure I will have loads of messages in my WhatsApp. My call log was filled with missed calls from Chotu and Shree.

“Get ready. I will drop you at your apartment”. He said.

“Why didn’t you take me there last night”? He knows where he usually drops me and he could have asked my exact address from shree. Yet he chose to bring me here. Is there more to his actions or am I just looking in the void for impossible probabilities?

“Enough with your questions Riya. What do you think we were doing there? We didn’t go there for a party. We had a case. But as usual you are just irresponsible enough to get drunk... and just forget it okay. We still have to solve the case. Shree will brief us about the deal that happened there last night.” I know exactly what he’s doing. He’s just pushing me away like always. And I am just helpless. Ihave nothing but to wait... is there any hope with him Riya? I always find myself with such question and the answer, I never want to know. After saying that he left, shutting the door tightly.

I looked at the room. It wasn’t a mess like a boyish room but it also lacked the aura of someone living in here. I saw papers and case files more than any furniture. I took a closer look at the files. They demanded not to be touched. I did that mistake once. I am no way repeating it. I quickly found the washroom. It was clean much to my peace. I just fixed my hair, tied it in a knot and wiped my make up. I found my heels at one corner near the nightstand. I noticed they were Then I picked my phone and went outside. I realised it’s the same lodge he stayed during the Sheen kidnapping case. And he’s still staying here?Surprisingly the manager at the desk was cordial. I expected strange looks and hushed remarks owing to my party wear dress up. But nothing there. When I asked at the desk the manager just said, “Sir is in the parking. That way.” He indicated to the right, where I can see the SUV parked. I silently walked ahead, finally reaching the SUV. He looked so eager, to get rid of me? I climbed into the passenger seat as he started the SUV. My head was still spinning so I kept my head at the headrest and closed my eyes. He was silent throughout the journey. I realised after some 30 minutes the SUV stopped. He took us exactly where he drops me usually. I opened my mouth to say something,but as usual he just raised his hand to shut me. That’s my cue. I need to leave. So I got down without looking back and headed towards my apartment.

I unlocked my flat with the spare key I keep under the carpet and took a long shower to get rid of stench of alcohol emanating from me. When I finally came out drying my hair I heard continuous alert tunes from my phone. When I checked shree was sending me some messages.

I picked up the phone, swiped all the notifications and dialed Shree.

“Hey Riya?” what has happened to him? Why does he sounds so cheesy and fangirly?

“What’s wrong Shree and how did you just left me with Arjun Sir last night?” I was not furious with him but in a situation like this I would only count on him and would Arjun Sir.

“ I left you with him for better”. He said, again with mischief in his voice. I could already feel him smile against the phone.

“what do you mean?Will just clearly say?” I am done with his games now.

“ okay don’t get mad. Just check your WhatsApp.” He again smiled. I cut the call without any reply. When I opened WhatsApp, I received at least 10 audio clips from Shree. Along with a wink emo in the end.

I played the firstone. Whatever I heard froze me on my track. Did I really... no!!! My voice wastipsy. His was gentle.

Clip 1

“you are not leaving me tonight are you?”

“something like that?”

“can’t you stay with me forever?”

“There is no forever Riya.”

I could already sense where this conversation is heading.

Clip 2

“ You have had enough.”

“I want more. So that I can forget.”

“What do you want to forget Riya?”

“You... Arjun I want to forget you. It’s too painful to love you.”

“ I know.”

So he knows that I love him. Is that why he reacted the way he did in the morning?

Clip 3

“ Careful... no not there. You know just sit there and let me take off your heels.”

“why do you care so much?”

Long silence.

“Just put your arm around my shoulder and we are heading out.”

“You are doing all this because I won’t remember this in the morning right.”

Long silence.

“Come on answer me.”

“Yes! And I wish I could make you forget me when you are in your full sense Riya.”

“ You know you have to hit me hard on my head for that.”

Giggles followed by.

“ I won’t hit you.”

“then I how would I forget... I know i will have to be an alcoholic forever. Arjun can we go getanother drink.”

“ You have had enough.”

Clip 4

“Do you want to say something?”

Long silence.

“ I mean come on.You can say, as I wont remember it you know.”

“There is nothing to say Riya:?”

Didn’t he really say anything.

Clip 5

“Will you feel bad if one day I will go away...?”

“ You are not going away anywhere Riya”.

“then why don’t you allow me to go there.”

“Go where?”

“There, to your heart?”

Clip 6

“Will you ever let me after... after you know you kill him?”

“I don’t know.”

“then you want me to go away.”

Long silence.

“It doesn’t matter to you right?”

“It does...”

“Then what’s stopping you”.

“There are many things?”

“What many things?”

Clip 7

“You won’t understand.”

“ Hell I do... you said this is a different feeling. You will know when you will feel it yourself.I do feel it for you Arjun?”

“I don’t think so it’s that.”

“Then?”

Clip 8

“Then what Arjun?”

“ You cant love me Riya. Maybe you are just attracted to me.”

“No I am sure, I love you.”

“I was attracted to Mohit.”

“Mohit.”

“Ex... it didn’t hurt when we broke up?”

“So you had a boyfriend?”

“Are you jealous ACP?”

Giggles.

“ I had. School crush. It ended just like that and nothing to blame... we just broke up. Itdidn’t hurt. With you it hurts everyday.”

Clip 9

“that’s what the truth Riya. With me you’ll always be hurt”.

“I can handle that.”

Clip 10

“It’s not about me. Its about her right?”

“Her...”.

“you think I am taking her place and you feel guilty because you can’t do anything but lettingme in?”

“ I don’t love you Riya?”

“I don’t believe that you don’t.”

Long silence.

The clip ends. 

Holy f**king heaven. Did I just confess him? We really had this conversation? And not for a single moment he was annoyed or angry with me? Alcohol really does some illogical wonders that leads to unexpected blunders like this. But there was several things I noticed. He said he knows. He knows that i love him. I thought he will never know. Is he keeping me away because I will be hurt? But that’svery wrong. If I will be hurt or not that’s for me to chose and not for him todecide. And for how long this insecurity will keep us apart. I have to talk to him. And he will have to answer me, with full sense.

Flashback ends.

“I called Shree after that and he said he have erased all our conversation before submitting those recordings and so Arjun Sir never knew that i know what did we talk that night”. I said. Anshu has an unreadable expression on his face.

“Did you talk to him after that Riya?”

“I tried to but...anyway leave that. I will be okay Anshu. It’s just the case and my past. I promise I wont let it affect the investigation anymore.”

“are you sure?”

“Trust me!!!”

“Between there is one thing you should be aware of.”

“I don’t think you are going to like your neighbor.”

“What is it with everyone warning me about this neighbor. Is he any serial killer or what?”

“you will find out?” he said and stood up to leave.

“Anything else?” I  asked. He didn’t just came here to check on me.

“yeah. That’s all I guess.” He looked kind of lost somewhere.

“Are you thinking of Tasha.” He didn’t have to nod to reply as a yes.

“you know when she was there, during that fight there was a madness crept over her.” Anshu looked confused as hell.

“are still that stupid not to notice that?”

“It can’t be true?”

“Don’t be another Arjun Rawte...” that’s all I could say. And he understood. There was nothing much to explain. Tasha loves him for how long I don’t even remember. But this stupidone thinks he loves me because I look like his dead wife. How even such coincidences exist around this world. I never get the vibe from him. He’s more like a friend. A very protective and caring friend. I haven’t ever looked at him any other way. Its time he should understand where he belongs. And sure he doesn’t belong with me.

That night, he was the Arjun I always wanted to love me, other than that he just said he doesn’t. And now its believable because it didn’t matter when I left. It was his choice not to come after me. And it was my choice to leave. I couldn’t anymore see my self respect dissected in a wooden frame. I couldn’t work with a team where i am not trusted anymore. A team who considers me as a liability. I couldn’t become  someone who’d beg for love.

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 precap will be same as before.

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I am waiting for your likes and replies.

Love

Ankita