||ShiVi OS Recompense||
She felt like her throat was closing up and breathing was getting more difficult. This was the third one and they all said the same thing. She was pregnant. Raavi focused on her breathing as she felt the panic grow within her. Inhale. Exhale. She was pregnant.
She slumped into a corner of the room and hugged her knees close to her chest. Then, she immediately put them down and sat up straight. Could she sit like that? Would it be okay for the baby? Baby.. instinctively her hand went over her currently non-existent belly. There was a life growing inside of her. A life that Shiva and she had created together.
The thought seemed to unleash some kind of a storm within her and she started to sob. She couldn’t scream out loud, because she couldn’t risk anyone hearing so she let out a silent, anguished scream. What was happening? Why was this happening?
About two months ago, Raavi and Shiva had gotten into a rather ugly fight, they’d both riled each other up to the point of explosion and then one thing had led to another and they ended up kissing… and doing a lot more than kissing. She didn’t know if she could call it lovemaking. It was more of them trying to get at each other. Like they were trying to find some kind of escape from the hell they’d found themselves trapped in. A release. That would be an appropriate way to put it, she thought. They had consummated their marriage in the heat of the moment, desperate for release from all those barriers and shackles that had cut into their flesh holding them apart. And it had been just that. A heat of the moment thing. If anything, it only made things worse. Because now it felt like even engaging in the physical act did not bridge the distances between them emotionally. They’d drifted apart, barely speaking to each other beyond the bare necessities. He worked at the store all day and she kept herself busy at home. Whenever they could they avoided each other.
And now.. Now she was pregnant. It surely was some cruel twist of fate that Dhara di and Gaumbi who were so hopelessly in love and desperately craved a baby still did not have one while Shiva and she.. there was no sign of any love in their relationship. Their relationship, if it could be called that, stood on shaky ground, ready to fall apart with the slightest gust of wind. And now, there was a baby. She felt almost guilty for getting this blessing when her Dhara di and Gaumbi had been devoid of this blessing for so long.
How would she tell Shiva she was pregnant? How would Shiva react? Would he feel like he was trapped now? Would he even want the baby? The thought scared her. No! However bad things were between them, she knew that Shiva would never ask her to get rid of the child. She had never seen Shiva around babies. Did he even want babies ever? It was the kind of thing they would’ve discussed and planned about if they’d been a normal couple. But they were not. What if Shiva thought that since his Gaumbi and Dhara di couldn’t have a child, he didn’t want one either? What if he asked her to give her child away to Dhara di and Gaumbi? She hadn’t hoped, prayed or wished for this child, but the moment the realization sunk in that she carried a tiny life within her, she already felt such a strong emotional bond to the child, it was incredible. Could she tell her Maasi? Her Maasi never approved of Shiva. What was the likelihood she’d approve of his child? Also, she’d take this as an opportunity to taunt and humiliate Dhara bhabhi and Maa as well. No! She wasn’t ready for all that muck yet. Wasn’t there a single person who she could share this news with?
“Raavi!” She heard Dhara bhabhi call out to her and she quickly wiped away her tears. No! No one would get to know that she was pregnant. She couldn’t tell anyone. She would wait. She knew she couldn’t wait too long but she would delay it as much as she could. She wanted to process all that was happening. “Aayi Dhara di!” She called out and headed to the kitchen.
“Raavi please yeh orange cheelkar Maa ko dede. Woh kabse intezaar kar rahi hain aur mera kaam hai ki khatham hi nahi ho raha,” Dhara said, passing the plate of oranges to Raavi. As soon as she took the plate, the strong stench of citrus overpowered her. Goodness! When did the smell of oranges become soooo awful? She wondered as bile rose up in her throat and she felt like throwing up. Dropping the plate like hot coal, Raavi ran to the bathroom and started retching.
Dhara di was waiting for her when she came out. “I’m okay di. I think it’s just some acidity,” Raavi quickly explained. “I’ll bring you meds. You go and rest,” Dhara said, concerned. Raavi didn’t argue, but as she stepped to go to her room, the world titled around her and she almost lost her footing. Dhara caught her in time and walked her to her room. “Tu ruk, main Gaumbi se kehkar doctor ko bulvaati hoon,” but before Dhara could turn away, Raavi caught hold of her hand. “Nahi di! Doctor ki koi zaroorath nahi. Main theek hoon,” Raavi tried hard to keep the panic out of her voice. “Please Dhara di! Please! Doctor ki koi zaroorath nahi.” Dhara looked at her confused, “Achcha doctor nahi tho Shiva ko bula doon?” “Nahi!” Her response came out a little too curtly. “I mean, dukaan pe kaam hoga na. Main thoda rest karoongi tho theek ho jaoongi.”
For the next few weeks, Dhara watched as what appeared to be Raavi’s health deteriorating. She finally raised the concern with Shiva one afternoon when he came to pick up something but he was clueless. He stormed into the room the way he normally did and the Chipkali was lying curled up on the bed. “Aye Chipkali! Kya hua hai tujhe? Yeh din mein kyun so rahi hai? Dhara bhabhi ko pareshaan karke kyun rakha hai tu ne?” He asked in his characteristic tone. She shot off the bed like she’d been caught stealing something. That’s when he noticed, Dhara bhabhi was right. The Chipkali did look pale and worn out. “Main.. main.. bilkul theek hoon,” she said before her eyes glassed over and she fell onto the bed. “Raavi!” The panic in Shiva’s voice was genuine as he crouched down next to her and tried to wake her up. He took the glass of water by the bedside and sprinkled water on her face. She slowly came to as he vigorously rubbed her arms that had gone cold. “Kya hua hai tujhe?” He asked. “Kuch nahi.. mujhe kuch nahi hua..” she said weakly as she tried to sit up. “Chup chaap leti reh!” He said angrily and to his utter surprise, she burst into tears. “Main.. Bhabhi ko bulakar laatha hoon,” he said but as he stood up, she tugged at his hand to stop him and cried harder. “Bhabhi… nahi…” she said between her sobs. “Theek hai, theek hai,” he said, sitting beside her, awkwardly patting her hand in an effort to calm her down. “Kya hua hai? Batha mujhe,” he used a softer tone this time.
“Main.. main nahi.. batha sakthi..” she sobbed. “Kya matlab nahi batha sakthi?” He asked. “Hum.. Main.. tujhpe bojh nahi banna chahthe. Maine abhi thak kuch figure out nahi kiya. Par main kuch na kuch figure out zaroor kar loongi. Aur kuch aisa sochungi ki kisi ko kuch patha hi na chale. Yahan se kahin dur chali jaoongi. Kisi ko kuch patha nahi chalega. Main kisi ko kuch nahi bathaoongi. Promise!” She mumbled while shedding copious tears. Shiva didn’t understand a single thing. What was she talking about? What was she talking about hiding from everyone? Whatever the matter was, it was clearly distressing enough for her that it had taken a toll on her physical health as well.
Shiva locked the room door so they’d have some privacy. He got her a glass of water and watched as she gulped it down. Then gently, he pulled her into his side and ran his arm up and down her back in a soothing motion. “Raavi, baath kya hai? Tu pehle mujhe batha ki baath kya hai. Phir hum decide karenge kisi ko batana hai ki nahi. Theek hai?” Raavi shook her head, “Nahi.. Tu nahi samjhega. Hamare beech aisa koi rishtha hi nahi hai ki main..” her voice trailed off. “Hamara rishtha?” There was some underlying hurt in his voice that she picked up on. “Haan.. Hamara rishtha.. Kaisa rishtha hai yeh, Shiva? Duniya ke liye hum pati patni hain par yahan, iss chaar divari ke andar, zaroorath se zyada baath thak nahi karthe hum ek doosre se. Aur hamare beech jo hua.. woh bhi humme paas nahi laa paaya,” she said as fresh tears pooled in her eyes.
“Tujhe sach mein aisa lagta hai Raavi ki hamare beech koi aisa rishtha nahi? You regret what happened between us?” Shiva asked. “No!” She was quick to respond, “No! I don’t regret what happened between us. I just wish it happened because you love me. Kyunki main tujhe pasand karne lagi hoon, Shiva. Lekin dekho na, uske baad bhi tho hum aage nahi badh paaye, Shiva.” “Tho tujhe lagta hai main bina kisi emotional involvement ke aise hi tere saath time pass kar raha that? Tu aisa sochti hai mere baare mein?” He asked.
Her eyes lit up with a flicker of hope hearing his words. What was he trying to say?
“Par iss sab ka teri iss haalath se kya lena dena?” Shiva asked, puzzled.
Raavi drew in a long breath and let it out before saying,
“I am pregnant.”
The silence between them was deafening. Shiva wasn’t sure he had heard her right.
“Kya?” He asked, his voice barely a whisper.
She took in another deep breath, “I am pregnant.”
And then she burst into tears again.
“Tu.. pregnant.. main.. mera.. matlab.. hamara..” Shiva’s words stumbled over one another.
“Agar tujhe yeh bachcha nahi chahiye tho main.. main samajh sakthi hoon.. main tho yeh bhi nahi jaanti ki tujhe bachche pasand hai bhi ya nahi.. tujhe bachche chahiye bhi ya nahi.. Gaumbi aur Dhara di ke abhi tak bachche nahi hain na? Aur phir Dev aur Rishita ki tho love marriage hui hai phir bhi unka number nahi aaya.. Dekh.. main nahi chahthi ki tujhe lage ki tu phas gaya hai.. main kahin dur chali jaoongi..” Raavi rambled on and on between sobbing.
Shiva was still processing the news that Raavi was pregnant. Raavi was pregnant! There was a life growing in her womb right now! A life they had created together. He felt his heart squeeze. Raavi and he had created a tiny life together! This was so overwhelming. He raised a shaly hand and placed it on her belly. It wasn’t obvious yet, but when he touched her, he could feel that her belly had grown. There was a baby in there! Their baby!
“Raavi.. Main..” he didn’t know what to say. His heart felt so full, it felt like it was choking him. Unknown to him, tears slid down his eyes. “Tu.. Tu.. tension mat le Shiva. Main jaanthi hoon Tu mujhse pyaar nahi kartha. Mujhe bass thoda time dede ki main kahin aur naukri dhoond loon phir main chup chaap yahan se chali jaoongi. Main aur mera baby tujhe kabhi pareshaan nahi karenge,” she tried to reassure him.
What the heck was she even talking about? Where was she talking about going? That was when Shiva actually paid attention to what she’d been rambling non-stop. He couldn’t believe it! She thought he didn’t want the baby? She wouldn’t stop for even a second so he could interrupt her. So Shiva did the first thing that came to mind. He cupped her face and gently placed his lips on hers.
Raavi was mid-sentence when Shiva’s lips covered hers. To say she was shocked would be an understatement. His kiss was very gentle and soft, like he was afraid of hurting her. His warm hand still lay over her belly and try as she might, she couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.
He pulled away from the kiss and gently brushed her tears away. Then he hugged her close. “Gadhedi!” He finally said, his voice choking. “Tu ne itni badi baath mujhse chupaayi kyunki tujhe laga mujhe yeh bachcha nahi chahiye? Raavi.. maana ki hamara rishtha normal logon ki tarah nahi hai. Par iska matlab yeh nahi ki hamare beech koi rishtha hi nahi! Tu itni badi paagal hai? Hamara bachcha hai yeh! Hamara! Tera aur mera. Tu ne soch bhi kaise liya ki mujhe yeh bachcha nahi chahiye? Maana ki jab hamare beech mein woh sab hua woh ek jhagde ka nateeja tha. Par tujhe kya lagtha hai? Sirf gusse mein yeh sab kuch ho jaatha hai? Main bhi tujhe pasand karta hoon, Gadhedi!”
“Tho phir, uss din ke baad se tu mujhe avoid kyun kar raha tha? Seedhe muh baath thak nahi ki!” She pouted. He chuckled and pecked her lips, “Raavi, woh meri zindagi ke sabse khoobsurat pal the. Tere itne kareeb hona, aisa lag raha tha jaise koi sapna ho.. itne time se jo tujhe chahtha aa raha hoon. Par.. tujhe pata hai na mujhe bolkar jathana nahi aatha? Main darr gaya tha, ki kahin tu yeh na samajh le ki humare beech jo hua, galath hua. Nahi hona chahiye tha. Shayad woh sunne ki himmath hi nahi thi mujh mein. Samajh mein nahi aa raha tha ki kaise poochoon. Iss liye tujhse door bhaagtha tha.”
Raavi looked at him wide eyed as he confessed. “Waise teri bhi galti nahi hai. Maine kabhi tujhe ehsaas hi nahi dilaya ki tu, yeh shaadi, hamara rishta mere liye kya maayne rakhtha hai,” he admitted. “I’m sorry, Raavi. I’m really very sorry!” He apologized. She shook her head but unable to speak, she rested her head on his chest. He caressed her belly softly.
“Sab kuch theek hoga na Shiva?” She asked, looking up at him.
“Main maantha hoon hamara rishta normal nahi hai, Raavi. Par iss rishte mein bhi pyaar hai. Aur main apni saari zindagi tujhe, aur hamare bachchon ko yeh ehsaas dilatha rahoonga. Promise!” Shiva replied.
“Bachchon ko?” Raavi asked. “Haan! Tujhe kya laga ek mein kaam ho jaayega? Mujhe tho poori ki poori cricket team chahiye - 11 aur haan 6 extras bhi!” Shiva said, mischief gleaming in his eyes. “17 bachche?! Paagal ho gaya hai kya, Shiva?” Raavi asked, alarmed.
“Shhhhh…” he quieted her down. “Woh sab baad mein sochenge. Pehle gharwaalon ko khush khabri de den?”
“Par Gaumbi aur Dhara bhabhi?” Raavi asked, still uncertain.
“Tujhe sach mein lagtha hai ki unhe yeh sunkar bura lagega? Arey tu dekh lena, sabse zyada khush tho wohi honge!” He reassured her, rubbing her back soothingly and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
She gripped onto his hand tightly, drawing warmth and strength from him. They would be alright.
Shiva felt her hand grip his tightly and knew she had a lot more insecurities and fears and uncertainties lurking in her mind. But now, he wouldn’t let anything come in between them. Now, it was time for his recompense.
***
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