Author's note: I didn't like the last few episodes of Ishk Par Zor Nahi, so I wanted to write a different ending to Ishqaan's story. And here it is. Read and tell me how it is, good or bad whatever. And also this OS is not beta read, so ignore if you find any error. Enjoy!!!
It has been three days since she left the Malhotra house. Three days since she left h.…no. Maine unhe nahi choda, Ishqi thought. Unhone mera saath chod diya.
"Tumhari toh apni koi family kabhi thi nahi, tumhe kaise pata hoga ki jab koi hume chod ke chala jata hain toh kaisa lagta hain." His words may have been hurtful but he was right that she never had a family and does not know what it's like to have one.
But she always wanted to have a family of her own. It was her dream. She used to say to maasi that if she got married, she'd marry in a big family; with dada, dadi, chacha, chachi, mummy, papa, bhai, behen, and she would love them like her own family and give them all she had.
My sasural will be my little family, she used to say.
And when she got married and became a Malhotra, she felt like her dream had finally come true, that she had found a family whom she could call her own, that she was not an orphan anymore, and for the first time in her life she felt like she was at home.
Until AVM told her to get out.
How easily, and how blatantly he told her to leave the house as if she's an outsider, a guest, not a member of the family. Granted, she has made a mistake; she should've told AVM about Savitri aunty a lot sooner. He may not have believed her without proof but at least then he wouldn't have accused her of playing games with him.
But does a mistake made by her give AVM the right to throw her out of the house? Wasn't his home, her home too? If so, then why was she made to leave her home?
If Kartik or Sonu ever did something wrong, would he, too, tell them to leave the house? She doubts it. They are Malhotras. They are his family. And she's not.
"Mayeka, mayeka hota hain aur sasural, sasural." Maasi would tell her. "Family har kadam par aankh band karke support karte hain, lekin sasural wale nahi. Galti karne pe sasural wale taane dete hain, maafi nahi." And she was right.
She held her hand aloft, to look upon the promise ring AVM gave her-- "Ye promise ring hain, Ishqi. Aaj tumhe isse pehna ke main promise karta hun ki main tumhara saath kabhi nahi chodunga." Jhoot, Ishqi thought. Unke saare vaade jhoote nikle. Ye AVM aur India ke politicians bilkul ek jaise hain. Vaade toh bade bade karte hain, lekin jab vaade nibhane ki badi aati hain toh palti mar ke nikal jate hain.
How stupid she was to trust him, to believe that he would keep his words and stand by her when she need him. When did he ever believe her that he would do so now? Jab se hum dono mile hain, woh mere upar ilzam ke upar ilzam dalte aaye hain. Kabhi car chodi ka ilzam, kabhi jhoot bolne ka ilzam, toh kabhi ghar todne ka ilzam. AVM ka bas chale toh woh pandemic ka ilzam bhi mere upar hi dal denge.
Still, somewhere in her heart, she hoped that once his anger fades away, he will come to her, and ask her why she did what she did.
He never came.
"Agar unhe mujhse baat nahi karna toh na kare. Mujhe bhi unse koi baat nahi karni," she mumbled with a huff.
She turned and pushed her face down on the pillow, "mat soch uske bare me, Ishqi. Mat soch. Tujhe koi fadak nahi padta." But as she tries to stop thinking about her naam-teen-banda-mean of a husband, a light rap on the door of her room roused her from her musings. She pushed on her elbow to switch on the lamp light, and checked the time on the table clock-- 10:30pm. Maasi aayi hogi, khana khane ke liye bolne, Ishqi thought. Maasi knows she hasn't eaten dinner, and she can't take her medicine with an empty stomach.
And there it was again, the knock, but louder this time.
"Haan, aa jao andar." She said, and she scarcely had time to push herself into a sitting position when the door creaked open and revealed AVM.
Khoda Maasi aur nikla AVM.
Ishqi drew in a breath sharply at the sight of him, and sat fully upright. "Aap, main-"
"Tum mujhe andar aane ke liye nahi bolti agar tumhe pata hota ki main hun?" He finished the sentence for her.
"Nahi," she replied. "Main aapse naraz hun."
"Janta hun." AVM stepped further into the room and pushed the door shut.
She studied him through the dim light; his face was drawn and tired, hair messy, shoulders sagged and his steps were slow and uncertain.
Just when she swung out of bed and stood up, she felt dizzy. Her vision blurred, and her knees grew weak. As soon as her knees buckled, she felt AVM's strong hands around her, keeping her upright.
As he always does.
"Ishqi, tum theek ho?" He asked, worried.
She blinked, then shook her head to clear the blurriness. When her vision became clear, she found AVM frowning at her, his eyes searching her face. His eyes, Ishqi noted, are red as if he had been crying.
"Chalo, baitho yeha." Still holding her shoulders, he pushed her gently to sit on the bed. He didn't join her, instead he bent down in front of her. He gathered her hands together in one of his, and the other cupped her cheek.
"Tumne phir se apni dawa nahi li na? Maine tumse pehle bhi kaha tha Ishqi; gussa karna hai toh karo, mujh pe karo, kisi aur pe karo, par apni health ke saath compromise kabhi mat karna."
"Bate toh apne aur bhi bahut kahe the, bade bade vaade bhi kiye the, par woh sab toh aapko yaad nahi tha jab apne mujhe apne ghar se nikal diya." Ishqi retorted.
Her words made him cringed as if she had slapped him. He drew his hand back from her cheek and looked away.
When he spoke again, it was not to defend himself as she expected. "Mujhe pata hai maine tumhe bahut disappoint kiya hain. Tumne hamesha mera saath diya, acchahi mein, burahi mein. Jab Rhea ki pregnancy ki baat samne aayi, toh tum mujhe chod ke nahi gayi. Balki mujhe samjha, mere saath khadi rahi. Par jab tumhe mera saath aur support ki zaroorat thi toh….I let you down." When he looked up at her again, she saw his eyes shimmer with unshed tears. "Mujhe sab pata chal gaya hain, dadi ke jhoot, maa ka sach, dad ka sach. Sab. Main tumhe bata nahi sakta ki main kitna guilty feel kar raha hun, ki maine tumhe phir se galat samjha."
But Ishqi was unmoved. If anything, his words only fuelled her fury. "Oh, toh isliye aap yahan aaye hain? Ab aapko sach pata chal gaya hain toh guilty feel kar rahe hain, toh aa gaye yeha maafi mangne." She pulled her hands from his grasp, nearly stumbling over him as she stood. "Aap apne galtiyo se kuch sikhte nahi ho kiya? Apne pehle bhi bina puri baat jane mujhe galat samjhe the. Aaj apne phir se wahi kiya. Aaj aapko phir se meri begunah hone ki saboot ki zaroorat padi. Kyu? Aap mujh pe bharosa nahi karte?"
"Aisa nahi hain, Ishqi…."
"Toh kaisa hai? Bataiye?"
But AVM stood still and said nothing. The strained silence went on until it was more than Ishqi could endure. She turned and walked away from him.
Her gaze fell upon the love list-- Ishqi ki love list-- that still hangs on the wall of her room. She made the list for Mayank, to find out if he had the qualities she wants in her future husband. But it was AVM who ticked all the points in her list. Not Mayank.
Now, as she looks at the love list, she suddenly realizes that 'trust' is not one of the points. Why? Was it not important for her to know if the man, with whom she was going to spend the rest of her life, trusted her and she trusted him? Maasi once said that a marriage without trust is like a car without an engine. Like a car needs an engine for it to work, a marriage needs trust for it to be successful. Ishqi didn't heed her words then but now that she's facing a trust issue in her own married life, she realized, for the first time, that all the points she wrote in her love list are meaningless if there's no trust.
Love without trust is like a river without water.
AVM loves her but he needs proof of her innocence whenever something goes wrong, because he does not trust her.
Had she included trust in her love list, would he have ticked it too? She does not know.
"Mujhe umeed thi ki jab aapki maa ki baat samne aayegi toh aap mujhe samjhenge, mujh pe trust karenge. Maine jab Mayank se apni shaadi todi thi aur sabne mujhe blame kiye tha, uss waqt bhi mujhe umeed thi ki koi mujhe samjhe ya na samjhe, aap mujhe samjhenge. Lekin aap mujhe kabhi samajh hi nahi paye. Na tab. Na aaj. Kabhi kabar sochti hun ki, maine aisa konsa paap kardiya jiski wajah se aap mujh pe itna shak karte ho? Aapko sachme lagta hain ki main itni buri hun ki main jaan bujh ke aapko hurt karungi?"
"Mujhe aisa nahi lagta hain...."
"Toh phir apne kyu kaha ki main aapke emotions ke saath khel rahi thi? Maa aapki hain, family aapki hain, atit bhi aapki hain. Aapko aapke maa se mila ne ke liye mujhe koi Nobel prize nahi milne wala. Isme mera koi fayda nahi hain. Phir bhi, main Savitri aunty ki madad karna chahti thi, aur kya bhi, kyunki kisi aur ko pata ho ya na ho, mujhe pata hain ki Savitri aunty ke saath jo hua woh galat tha. Maine unhe dekha hain mental asylum mein, bebas aur lachar, apne baccho se milne ke liye woh tarap rahi thi. Main kaise unse muh pher leti? Lekin usse bhi badi wajah ye hain ki, main aapse pyaar karti hu," she paused, her tongue and throat felt thick. She swallowed painfully, and when she spoke again her voice choked a little. "Main dekh sakti hun, aapke dil me Savitri aunty ko leke bahut kadwahat hain. Aur ye kadwahat aapko andar hi andar khaye ja rahi hain. Mujhe laga ki, agar main aapko aapke maa se milwadu aur aap dono ke beech mein se galatfehmi khatam kar du toh shayad aapke mann ko shanti milegi, aur aapke andar se kadwahat bhi dur ho jayegi. Isliye maine ye sab kuch kiya. Shayad mera tarika galat tha, par mere irade galat nahi the. Mujhe jo sahi laga maine wahi kiya, aur hamesha ki tarah apne mujhe hi galat samjha."
After a moment, AVM spoke, "mujhe pata hain ki tum mujhse bahut pyaar karti ho. Par…." He paused, and then he said in a trembling voice, "par dar lagta hain ki tum ek din mujhe chod ke chali jaogi, jaise maa chali gayi thi. Pata hain ki main galat hun, mujhe aisa nahi sochna chahiye. Lekin maine zindagi mein jin logo pe bharosa kiya hain, sabse mujhe sirf dhoka mila hain. Pehle maa, phir Mayank, ab toh dadi ne bhi…." She turned to face him and found him sitting on the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched and head bowing. He looked like a tired, broken man. "Aisa nahi hain ki main tum pe trust nahi karta. Main karta hun, sachme. Lekin mujhe dar satata rehta hain ke ek din tum bhi mera trust tod dogi, baki sab ki tarah. Aur jab Rhea ne bataya ki tum aur maa ek dusre ko pehle se jante ho, toh aisa laga ki mera dar sach ho gaya hain. Mujhe bahut bura laga tha, bahut gussa bhi aaya tha, aur gusse mein itna andha ho gaya tha ki maine nahi tumhari baat sunni, aur nahi tumhe samajhne ki koshish ki."
His confession took Ishqi so utterly by surprise that her anger fled, she stood there in silence and motionless.
There were times in those painful six months of her life, when she had wondered why AVM reacted so angrily, so violently, when she broke her marriage with Mayank. She assumed that it was because Mayank was his best friend, then uncle's sudden heart attack, Suman aunty's distress and Mayank's fake suicide attempt must have taken a toll on him, too. So he took his anger out on her because, to him, she was the cause of it all.
But now, it seems there's more to the story than that.
AVM, at that time, may have compared her actions to his mother's and concluded that she, like his mother, had destroyed a family for her selfish reason.
And he hated Ishqi for being selfish, like his mother.
This also explains why he, after his confrontation with Suraj uncle, asked her if she regrets her decision to marry him. His question had perplexed her then but now, when she puts Savitri aunty in the equation, it makes more sense. Dadi had told AVM that his mother was unhappy, that his father was unable to fulfill her wants and needs, so she left them. Left him. And AVM fears if he couldn't give Ishqi the happiness that a husband gives his wife, then she, too, would leave him.
They say, time heals all wounds. But AVM's wounds from his past seem to have gotten worse with time.
The web of lies dadi has woven around him, the taunts, humiliations and mental trauma AVM had to suffer as the consequences of those lies, have turned him into a bitter, angry man that he is now. How could dadi put her own grandson through so much suffering, whom she claims to love the most?
Her heart aches for him and she wants to comfort him, but a part of Ishqi also feels offended by his confession. He has been comparing her to his mother for God knows how long, instead of seeing her as she is, her own individual. He judges her, mistrusts her, and even doubts her love sometimes, all because he had a bad childhood.
She had a tough childhood too. At least AVM has a family; a sister, brother, chacha and chachi who loves him endlessly. But Ishqi had no one to whom she could turn to for comfort. She was only a little girl of four when her mother, who used to be her whole world, died in an accident along with her father, and she found herself in the care of an abusive mausa, and a weak, helpless maasi. It took more than a year for her to accept that her mother was gone, and she's never coming back.
While she comes to terms with her parents death, the situation in maasi's household begins to worsen. At first, it was small bickery between mausa and maasi, then their bickery turned to argument and argument turned to insults, and then it came to violence.
Whenever something goes wrong, he would take out his frustration on maasi by beating her cruelly and mercilessly. Even Ishqi herself had taken a blow or two, once a while, when she tried to defend maasi. Soon, mausa ji lost his job because of his bad behaviour, and as a result they went through a financial crisis. Maasi had to sell her jewels to feed her and pay for her education but it wasn't enough. There were times when Ishqi had to study and take her exams on an empty stomach. She would always avoid her classmates during festivals and pooja, refuse invitation to parties because she didn't have any proper dress for function or money to spend. Situation got so bad that Ishqi had no choice but to step up to take the responsibility, and so she took her first job in the same old age home where her mother used to work. She was nineteen when she became the sole breadwinner of her small family.
She has seen a lot, heard a lot, and suffered a lot but she never let her past affect her present, like AVM does.
Perhaps because, unlike her, AVM is still holding onto his past, not knowing how to let go.
But how long will he keep holding onto his past? How long does Ishqi have to suffer his insecurities? Or will this go on forever and ever, in a circle, until she has enough and decides to separate herself from him? She trusted him when he said he won't repeat his mistakes, but he repeated the same mistake and broke her trust, along with his promise. There's no guarantee that it won't happen again.
Ishqi sat close to AVM on the bed, so close that their shoulders were brushing. "Main aise nahi reh sakti, AVM. Main Sonu nahi hun. Main Sonu ki tarah aapse dar dar ke jeena nahi chahti. Par agar aise hi chalta raha toh hamara rishta zyada din nahi tikega."
"Tumhe kya lagta hain, Ishqi, ki mujhe nahi dikhta ki kaise mera past, mera aaj aur aane wale kal ko barbad kar raha hain? Mujhe sab dikhta hai par samajh mein nahi aata ki kya karun, kaise karun. Main chah ke bhi apne past ko bhula nahi pata." He shifted on the mattress to look at her then. "Jab tum chali gayi ghar chod ke, tab mujhe ehsas hua ki maine kitni badi bhul kardi. Lekin taptak bahut der ho chuki thi...hamesha ki tarah. Main tumse baat karna chahta tha, tumse maafi mangna chahta tha, par himmat hi nahi hui. Kis muh se maafi mangta main? Tumhara pati hone ke naate, tumhe pyaar aur khushiyaan dene ke saath saath tumhara samman aur izzat karna bhi meri zimmedari hain. Lekin maine kya kiya? Tumhe beizzat karke ghar se nikal diya." He bowed his head, "main iss duniya ka sabse bura pati hun."
"Aisa na-" Ishqi began to say but AVM held up a hand to silence her.
"Nahi Ishqi, yahi sach hain. Main ek saccha pati nahi ban paya. Maine tumhe dukh aur dard ke alawa aur kuch nahi diya. Aur inn saare dukh ka wajah main hoon, aur mera atit hain. Isliye maine thaan liya ki main iss wajah ko hi khatam kar dunga."
"Toh apne kya kiya?" Ishqi asked in anticipation, her heartbeat quickened.
"Main chala gaya maa ke paas. Unse baat karne." He said.
"Kyu? Aap toh unse nafrat karte ho na?"
He kept his eyes on her as he drew her hands out of her lap, his long fingers closing almost completely around them. "Meri nafrat mere pyaar se badi nahi hain. Mujhe apne pyaar pe pura bharosa hain. Tumhare saath reh ke itna toh jaan gaya hoon ki tum bina wajah kabhi kuch nahi karti ho. Koi toh wajah hogi ki ye jante huye bhi ki main maa se kitna nafrat karta hun, tum ne phir bhi unhe meri zindagi mein wapas le aayi. Bas, main woh wajah pata karna chahta tha."
He trusted her, Ishqi thought, and she got a lump in her throat as she tried to fight back tears. He gave his mother a chance, despite all the lies and allegations, only for her. Because he trusts her. All her doubts about him, about them, vanished, and her heart was filled with hope.
Her grip on his hands tightened. "Savitri aunty ne kya kaha aapko?"
"Sab kuch. Dad kaise the, unki maut kaise hui aur phir dadi ne kaise bees saalo tak unhe mental asylum mein rakha. Pehle maine unki bato pe yakeen nahi kiya. Kaise kar leta? Agar maa sach bol rahi hain toh iska matlab dadi…" she watched the roll of AVM's throat as he swallowed hard, "dadi ne bees saalo tak hum sabse jhoot bola. Mann nahi maan raha tha lekin dil mein dar baith chuka tha. I needed assurance ki maa ne jo kaha woh sab jhoot hain. Toh maine chachi se baat ki, unhe woh sab bataya jo maa ne mujhse kaha. Chachi ne bola ki maa ne jo bataya mujhe woh sab sach hain. Lekin chachi nahi janti ki dadi ne maa ke saath kya kiya. Unhe sirf itna pata hain ki, papa ke marne ke baad maa bina bataye kahi chali gayi thi. Sirf dadi janti thi ki maa kaha hain. Jab maine poocha unhone mujhe ye sab pehle kabhi kyu nahi bataya, toh chachi ne bola ki woh batana chahti thi, par kahi dadi apne aapko kuch kar na de iss dar se woh chup rahi."
"Chachi ke bato ne mere dar ko yakeen me badal diya. Mere mann mein ab koi shak nahi tha, lekin main ye sach dadi ke muh se sunna chahta tha. Isliye maine aur Kartik ne mil ke uss doctor ko dhund nikala jo dadi ke saath mila hua tha, aur usse dadi ke samne le jaa ke saara sach bulwaya. Chachu, chachi aur uss doctor ke samne dadi aur jhoot nahi bol saki. So she confessed. Dadi ne kaha ki unhone jo kiya woh sab hamare family ko protect karne ke liye kiya," he snorted. "Khud hi apne ghar mein aag laga ke bolti hain ki ghar ko bacha ne ke liye aag lagayi."
"Dadi ne jo kiya woh galat tha aur koi bhi wajah unki harkato ko justify nahi kar sakta." Ishqi said.
"Dadi waisi nahi hain jaisa maine socha tha-- ghar ko jor ke rakhne wali," he admitted. "Woh tum ho Ishqi, jisne mere ghar ko jor ke rakha. Mere ghar ko todne se bachaya. Jab Sonu akeli thi, tumne uska saath diya aur maa ka bhi. Maa ne mujhe bataya ki tum roz mental asylum mein unse milne jaya karti thi, ghanto baith ke unse baat karti thi, apne haathon se unhe khana bana ke khilati thi. Aur jab woh coma mein thi, tumne unka kheyal rakha. Tumne mere liye, mere family ke liye kitna kuch kiya hain, main tumhara ehsaan kabhi chuka nahi paunga."
"Ehsaan paraye karte hain, apno ke beech koi ehsaan nahi hota, AVM. Aur sach bolu toh, mujhe nahi pata tha ki Savitri aunty aapki maa hain. Woh toh mujhe shaadi ke baad pata chali. Agar Savitri aunty aapki maa na bhi hoti toh bhi main unki help karti. Kyunki main aisi hi hoon."
He smiled. "Pata hain. Isliye toh tumse itna pyaar karta hun." Then the smile vanished, and he grew serious. "Kya tum mujhe kabhi maaf kar paogi?"
"Kis liye? Apne apni vaade nahi tode."
"Lekin ek accha pati toh nahi ban paya na main. Tumne hamesha mera saath diya, meri family ko apnaya, mere ghar ko apna ghar banaya aur maine kya kiya? Tumhe beizzat kar ke apne hi ghar se nikal diya. Woh ghar tumhara hain. Mera koi haq nahi banta tumhe uss ghar se nikal ne ka. Maine jo kiya woh galat tha. Bahut galat tha. Kya tum mujhe maaf kar paogi?" And he opened his arms wide for her, to accept him, to forgive him, to come back to him. "Please," he begged and Ishqi couldn't refuse. She melted into his embrace. As his arms wrapped around her, tears flowed freely. In that moment, there in his arms, she felt loved.
"I'm sorry too," she whispered in his ear. "Mujhe pehle hi aapko Savitri aunty ke bare me bata dena chahiye tha, aur main aapko batana bhi chahti thi, sachme, mummy kasam. Lekin nahi bata payi. Mujhe dar tha ki aap meri bato pe yakeen nahi karoge." She leaned back just far enough to meet his gaze as she said, "Main aapko hurt nahi karna chahti thi."
"Main bhi tumhe hurt nahi karna chahta tha." He said sadly as she felt his hands tightened around her waist. "Par na chahte huye bhi hum dono ek dusre ko hurt kar baithe."
"Galti toh sabse hoti hain. Humse bhi hui hain. Hume apne galtiyo se sikh ke aage badna chahiye."
"Jab tum ghar chod ke chali gayi thi, mujhe laga ki maine tumhe hamesha ke liye kho chuka hun. Dil tod gaya tha mera." He did fear it, truly, Ishqi realized; his eyes told her so. The look in them took her back to when she was in the hospital, fighting between life and death, and he thought he lost her forever.
She drew her hand back from his neck to gently caress the face that has become so dear to her, and she said to him, smiling, "ek hawa ke jhonke se tut jaye, itna kamzor nahi hain mera pyaar. Kaha tha na maine aapse ki main aapka haath aur aapka saath kabhi nahi chodungi."
"Promise?"
She leaned closer, so that her reply was a breath on his lips, "Pinky wala promise." And she kissed him.
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