Tadap Tadap ke - OS

"I am pregnant". I had been expecting "I love Maan". So long I have been asking her to tell me. Always with asking her "Bolo Geet". Today, as I gazed across the priest to her, all I could think of was that today was the ending of this separation for us, that today finally would be the realization of the dream which I had dared not to dream in a long time. Finally there was someone to love me, someone that was my perfect, whose honesty and trust I could rely on, I could see. Someone who would not let me down, never let me down in things that mattered. I was wrong. "I am pregnant". Such words, three little words. Yet they shattered my world. I wanted her confess her love first. Before she said those words, before anything was said, I was so sure she would confess her love, I wanted her to say it first because there was still a little fear in me that what if I said "I love you" and she did not say it back. She did not say them. I stand her unable to move, holding onto her hands, hands which were not mine. Hands which were not going to be mine. She did not want to tell me she loves me, she was pregnant. Why? I should have not thought of love, not when I know disappointment and pain is the result. Had I not seen it before, had I not felt it before, then why? Why? Why do I not learn from my mistakes? Are my smiles so hurtful to you that you would take them away. I have to release her hands, ones that I had hoped to hold forever because they don't belong to me, they belong to someone else. How could you not tell me?


Releasing those hands, I turn and walk away. I cant look at you now. I cant bear it. I cant break down. I cant allow myself to break down. For all that you have taken from me, I cannot give you my pain. Geet, Geet, Geet. That's all which was echoing in my soul for such a long time. Maybe even before I realized that I love you, no loved you. No, I love you still. I love you still but I will forget. I will forget, even if I have to forget myself in the process, I will forget. Is my love such a burden to the fates, that they keep on breaking these lines. So delicate these threads which I leave in the hands of destiny, and still I end up empty handed. No, not empty handed, with hands filled with despair and misery. She was pregnant, Pregnant, with another man's child. My Geet was pregnant with another man's child. Who? No, it does not matter. Whoever it was. Another man had given rights to her, someone had gotten her love. Someone not me, and she did not tell me. Oh God, she's pregnant. I am so angry, I cant say at whom, is it her, is it me, or is it fate. What is it that they say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Should I not have learned to not let fate fool me. Why was I wrong again when it comes to love? Why me?

Oh god, I cant breathe.. I cant breathe. These emotions inside, choke me. I can feel their hands choking me, squeezing me from the inside. I cant breath. Finally screaming my pain, away, far away, from anyone that can use it against me. I draw in a breath. Even still, I cant feel the life, the breathe inside my soul. Did she take it with her, when she took away my hope. Should I have let her take me in so completely. If I could feel anything, I would laugh at my fate, was it just a few hours, I told her I could see her honesty so clearly in her eyes, in her face. What a bunch of crap. I could not have seen this. This was her truth. She was pregnant with another man's child, she had been in love with someone else, she had belonged to someone else and she was carrying the proof of that in her. Sitting in my room, I cant even recall how I got here, once again lost in the thoughts of her. So much I wish to bleed this out of me, whatever this is. This cannot be hate yet it is not love either, I cant let it be, not now. I will stop thinking of her. I will not think of her. I will not think of her. Try as I might I cannot stop, I cannot sleep, I cannot do anything. Even exhausting my body does not work. Neither does the pain. I see the blood flowing from my hand now and yet I cannot feel anything. She is here again, and I register that I still exist because I fell my soul tearing, rendering me broken in more pieces. I walk away again, leaving more trails of me behind. I wonder will I ever find them again, its probably a good thing that I don't. No, this time I will learn my lesson. This time I will shut myself so tight that nothing will enter into this soul again, into this heart again, she has taken what was left of it either way, so I have nothing else left to give.


I have to work, work and work. I have decided to forget about her, to not think about her and I will, I just have to concentrate on work. Keep my head focused, not give a chance to listen to this heart. It was better when it was dead, then at least it kept me from the pain, even as it kept me away from happiness. I think if the cost of happiness is this, I don't want it. But even there, when I decide to work, she once again shows up. I cant be in the office, in my car, in my house, there is no where I can that does not have her, her memories. Even this new project. This "Pyar ki nishani". What a joke, I cannot make this pyar ki nishani, not when the feeling is gone from me again. All that I am allowing to live is this hard shell, no feelings, nothing. How can I build something that I dreamt of with her, when I could see us there, this project was designed from them but made from us. If there is no us, then how can there be this house. In fact, the true nishani is the one she is carrying and its not mine, cannot be mine. I wonder did she ever love me, or was it all just my Brahm. Did I just imagine everything, all those glances, those eyes reflecting love, the pain there when she saw me hurt. She comes before me again and again, trying me fix me up, trying to talk to me, does she not see that she has broken me, and that this stone cannot be turned again, not without the pain, so I cannot allow this to occur. Why do I still think of you? I don't understand you, why do you run after me, why do you torment me so. What more can you tell me, what truth can you tell me, what is it that can take away from the fact that all those moments which occurred between us were lies. I cannot even ask you, "did you ever love me?" because the truth is you have never spoken to me about love. I have to walk away, what I am walking away from is my own pain. Because I cannot hate you and I don't want to hate myself for loving you. Why do you put me in this situations. Once again I am carrying you, once again, or still, you are trusting me, I cannot let go you but I never had you. Where does that put me? What fault, what sin did I commit? What does it mean, that you run after me, what does it mean that you still call me for, even in this condition?


I lay you down on my bed. Despite what my mind says, my heart cannot allow me to leave you. No matter how much I tell it, it does not turn to stone again so quickly. I will take care of you, and I will give it time, I will give myself time. You keep asking me if I will leave you like everyone else, that I had promised to stay by you always, that you don't want me to leave you. Even in your unconscious you call for me, but what can that mean. I want to stay with you, to never leave you, to love you, to take care of you always. I want to keep my promises, I had actually wanted to make even more promises to you but how can I. How can I? How can I? How do you have the power to render me powerless even when you are so unaware. I don't know what to believe. You hold onto to me as if I was so important but were those all not lies. Were those things not lies, if they were not lies, then what is the truth? I know that you are pregnant, but what is the truth? I leave her on my bed still tossing and turning, fighting ghosts in your sleep. Are they bothering you still? I know I need to change her clothes or she will catch a cold, and in her condition, she cannot afford to get sick but how can I. Finally deciding I have no choice, I choose one my kurtas. Propping her against my chest, I hold her with her back to my chest and close my eyes. Feeling and touches only the edges of her soaked kurta, I quickly remove it and replaces it with my dry one. Laying her down on the bed again, I open my eyes again. I tuck the cover against her so that she does not catch a chill. For a moment she looks so serene but again she starts tossing in her sleep, running I guess from imagined and remembered monsters. She again calls for me. I don't know what to me of this. I cannot think. I leave to change my clothes. When I come back again, it is to her whimpers and cries. Realizing that she needed me, I keep my mind, my hurt aside and go to her. As I near her, I hear the words she was mumbling. "nahi, veerji, mujhe marye mat, meine kuch galat nahi kiya, main galat nahi. Aap apne galti ki saza iss bacche ko nahi de sakte". she kept on repeating that over and over again. "apki galti", she kept on saying, "apki galti".
Trying to calm her, I lay my hand on her back. Only to have her cringe, cry out, and say, "nahi, mujhe chod do" again. Feeling aghast, I pull back my hand, as if burned. How did we come to this?. It takes me a moment to realize that she is still deep in her nightmare. I also know, she cannot continue like, we cannot continue like this. Laying down on top of the cover, next to her, I pull her back into my arms, hoping to calm her down and keep her warm. I am glad to see that it works, as she slowly relaxes. She melts into me and I am glad. I cannot smile at myself yet but yet I allow myself a moment of relief. She had not given me the time to turn to stone, and it looked like there was hope yet. There was more to this, and in my pain I was not seeing hers. Tomorrow, yes, as soon as we are rested, Tomorrow I will listen to what she has to say. Tomorrow we will talk. Tomorrow I will decide, we will decide, our future. Feeling too tired and heavy headed, I lay my head down next to hers, holding her close, I lay a hand over her stomach and go to sleep. 

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comments welcome and appreciated
inspiration song: Tadap Tadap ke. movie: Hum dil de chuke sanam
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Edited by blueangel13 - 13 years ago

awesome thank u for making my night lol

That was just WOW!!!!! Mind-blowing! Seriously......I am in love with your writing......you always express it all so beautifully......just perfect! Maan's anger, pain, dilemma and also his love and concern for her was wonderfully portrayed......I could feel it....gosh.....such an amazing piece! Loved the last bit especially.....so poignant! Keep them coming!

woww !!!!!!!!!!! so beautifully written..................................

superb dear very nicely written. its so emotional.

Nice write up...................... 🤗

Very beautifully written ! Today is the day wen this cn cum true bt guess we all knw its nt going to be like dis :(

it is really very beautiful......it is so well written

Beautiful .. nothing short of that!!

awesome os, beautiful.loved it.