A Song in the wind
It's been two days since that fateful night since she had told him, for her there had been no greater trust she could show him. How could their relationship last if they could not stand with each other in these points in their life. I am standing in my room, looking out the balcony as I have for the past 2 days. Neither have I gone to the office nor have I gone away from home, waiting here for him. That night I had prayed that I would have the strength to tell him this truth in one breath, and truly, after being alone with him, with the words he was saying, his hold on me, my breath had left me, so rapidly but still I had told him, and God his reaction, he had let me go and turned his back leaving me. I don't know how long I stood there with my hands extended waiting. I was so numb. Oh, Babaji, the look in his eyes when I had said that, the pain, the anguish, the surprise. I don't know if I was glad he did not say anything or become angry that he let go of my hands when I needed for him to hold on the most. At that moment, I had wanted to become mad, to become angry but it had held no sway in front of my despair. I was in anguish and nothing else had room in my heart. Still, standing rooted there, I could bear no though but to still go to Maan and make him listen to me, to my truth.
I went after him, to find him nowhere. Reaching home, I again looked everywhere for him, only to again not find him. But what I did find that night, I can't say it took away the anguish but it did give me the strength to let it lessen, to let me think. Also, it gave me reason to not give in to my anger when it came to Maan. I was looking for him, running everywhere, when I came across the back patio, the same place where he had asked me if I loved him, and I had agreed to his fiance. The sight that I saw there made me catch my breath and brought with it the urge to cry. From his behavior and the way we had been at the weeding, I knew he had wanted to speak to me about his love, our love but even I could not have expected this. The place had been transformed from a plain room to a paradise, full of flowers, candles, and a romantic table set for two. The site which would have been truly breathtaking was marred with shards of glasses, plates, and flowers strewn about on the flower. Oh Maan, giving in to the tears, I can only look on. Unable to take the site anymore I run away from there, once again to see if I could find him. It is only as I reach Daadimaa's room do I learn that he had left for camping and would not come back for several days. Barely composing myself, I answer all of Daadimaa's questions as much as I can and leave for my room. Since then I can only wait.
All I do is wait and think, I think now, it's a good thing he did not say anything at that point. When I had been going through all this in my life, I too had needed time to think on as to how I wanted to handle the situation. I was glad he did not say anything negative, the bonds we have still needed time before they became unbreakable, and any harsh words then would have damaged us, not beyond repair, but to such a point that any decision we would have made would have been tinted by those harsh words. I could understand then, that maybe he needed time but still my heart, it beats hard every time I hear a car near the house, hoping that it's him.
Jhonka Hava Ka Aaj Bhi Zulfein Udaata Hoga Na
Tera Dupatta Aaj Bhi Tere Sar Se Sarakta Hoga Na
Baalon Mein Tere Aaj Bhi Phool Koi Sajta Hoga Na
As I stand at the balcony, I gaze out at the world with unseeing eyes, how odd it seems that a person who was always able to see the world so clearly, now cannot see beyond their own shadow because I could not see beyond this moment. I was so used to seeing him everyday, to feeling his presence, that these past two days have been pure torture. At the time, the first time when I had thought he had left me to go to overseas, I had not felt as I do now. Then I was still fighting my self, now when I can see my soul so clearly, I see only him and the past two days, my soul has been missing. Everything else is just the same, all the life normal around me, same as it was a few weeks ago, everyone still had the same routines, the same personalities, the same everything, but yet everything was not the same, because I was not the same. Now, I am in love, and with my heart and the fate of my heart in his hands, I wait here in hope and agony. I wonder what he has been doing in the past days and I pray frequently to Babaji for his safe return.
Thandi Havaein Raaton Mein Tujhko Thapkiya Deti Hogi Na
Chaand Ki Thandak Khwaabon Mein Tujhko Leke To Jaati Hogi Na
Sooraj Ki Kirnen Subah Ko Teri Neendein Udaati Hogi Na
Mere Khayaalon Mein Sanam Khud Se Bhi Baatein Karti Hogi Na
Main Dekhta Hoon Chhup Chhupke Tumko Mehsoos Karti Hogi Na
Jhonka Hava Ka Aaj Bhi Zulfein Udaata Hoga Na
I hope he is taking care of himself, as caring as he is for me, he seems to not look after himself. Thinking back on the incidences where he was hurt or unwell, he still kept on working, kept on moving. I knew my words had hurt him and I knew he needed time to think but I hope he was taking care of himself. I once again can only complain to Babaji about this man, and beg him to care of him when I am not there to do it. As I wrap my arms around me against a suddenly chilled wind, I only worry that he would catch a cold in the open atmosphere. Everyday, I have taken to watching the weather, I look at the skies and pray that the rains don't come, I don't know where he was camping but I did not want him to fall ill. As I lean against my window, I pray for his safety and return before moving away from the window. I am again not going to the office today, first I had not gone because I could not face the world in that emotional state, and now because what use did I have in an office when he was not there. No, I had to wait for him here, for some reason my heart keeps telling me wait here for him, so I wait. As I move around my room, I feel a tug at my dupatta, and for a moment my heart stops, "is it him" "is he here", all that my mind question. Quickly turning around, I find that it had gotten stuck to the dresser. With a disappointed heart, I continue with my morning routines.
Tadev Lagnam Suridam Tadev
Naarabalam Chandra Balan Tadev
Vidya Balam Daiv Balan Tadev
Lakshmi Pate Tendra Yugam Swarami
Shubmangal Sawadha
As I go downstairs I come aware to the presence of Daadimaa in the kitchen. Since Maan had left, she had taken to coming to the outhouse more often and spending the time with Geet. Seeing her, I am glad that I have someone there for me, someone who takes care of me but I am also terrified because with each of her visits comes an additional source of pain. She has taken to bringing me gifts for her future bahu, and making plans for the engagement party and the wedding, and showing me off to the society, her friends, and her family. It is only with a firm control on my grief am I able to last through those conversations. I don't know if can stall her much more in her insistence to take me to some sports club to meet some of her society friends. I cant go, I don't want to bind him to me in front of his society without his consent, without his wish. If what he wanted was for me to let him go, then I wanted to do so with minimal damage to him. God, just thinking that sentence breaks me, the thought of having to let him go. Taking a deep breath, I join Daadimaa in the kitchen. As we are finishing up with breakfast, a courier comes in for me, something addressed to both Maan's and my name. To my surprise and to Daadimaa's utter delight they were pictures which had been taken at the Demello's wedding.
Kaagaz Pe Meri Tasveer Jaisi Kuchh To Banati Hogi Na
Ulat Palatke Dekh Ke Usko Jee Bhar Ke Hansti Hogi Na
Hanste Hanste Aankhein Tumhari Bhar Bhar Aati Hogi Na
Mujhko Dhaka Tha Dhoop Mein Jisse Vo Aanchal Bhigoti Hogi Na
As Daadimaa admires the photo of me and maan together, I smile and laugh along with her, and for a moment allow myself to be lost in those moments when we had been so together. As she leaves for some work, I am once again given her blessing for making her Maan happy, she had not seen him smile for so many years, it was really good seeing him happy again. As she leaves, I gather the photos in my hand and run to room with them. There I look at them again, smiling, touching his face, his smile in each frame. Seeing him smile, made me smile. Soon though I feel the tears running down my cheeks, tears for a love yet to be fully realized. Tears for hope to see that smile again. Tears for the fact that I might become the source of Maan's bitterness. Tears for me. Tears for us. Leaving the pictures, strewn in the bed, I run away from there, suddenly feeling so confined, as I was lacking in air. Finally reaching the front door, I go outside and sit on the stairs leading to the house. I don't know how long I sit there, but I am jolted by the feel of drops on my head. It was raining. As I used to, I am unable to help myself, I walk out towards the garden and extend my arms out. As the rain washes over me, I remember the last rain, I was with him, with him holding me so close to him, letting me read the rhythm of his beating heart. Dropping my arms to the side, I bring my hands near my eyes, trying to read the lines there.
Saawan Ki Rimjhim Mera Taraana Yaad Dilati Hogi Na
Ek Ek Meri Baatein Tumko Yaad To Aati Hogi Na
Yaad To Aati Hogi Na Yaad To Aati Hogi Na
Dropping my hands again, still unsure of my fate, and filled with despair of his absence, wishing that he was hear so she could hold him again and tell him everything, I take hesitant steps towards the house, having lost my joy in the rain. As I am walking, I feel a sudden nausea sweep over me and I run to the nearest bathroom. I finally give in to my nausea, and my body dry heaves. I am thankful that I did not have much to eat that morning. With my body feeling weak and tears streaming my eyes again, I clean up. As I feel another wave of nausea coming, I again sink down hold onto the basin, closing my eyes, hoping that this feeling would pass. Feeling a little better, I slide my hands towards my stomach and place them over my baby, hoping to calm us. My eyes snap open in the next moment. I feel him, I feel his hands wrap around me, I lean back and let go, allowing his body to support mine. Placing his hands on top of mine, feeling the baby, he utters the words which assure me that we would be just fine. "Bolo Geet".
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comments welcome.
inspiration song: jhoka hawa ka, movie: Hum dil de chuke sanam
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