So Close - OS

Its been a few weeks since our engagement, since then neither have I been able to tell her what she means to me nor have I been able to show her. I think one of the problems is that I let my heart speak for me so many times when I am in front of her but when I let my head think even for a moment, for a moment I allow it to control my actions then I render my actions meaningless, ending only in confusion for both of us. So easy it seems to talk to her about everything else, whether its business or personal but when it comes to me, my past, and most importantly my love, I remain silent. I had hoped to show her what she meant to me by us working together on this house, this gift of love. A gift of love, how romantic it sounds, and it is but I cannot help but wonder if I have enough within me to pull this off. What I had said to her that day, in her village, was very true, I did need her in my life. I need her in my life to show me love again, to make me trust it again. It seems that with learning love again, we keep on moving in circles. Sometimes seeming as if we have come so far and sometimes feeling as we have not moved an inch.

As I am thinking this, I don't even realize when I had finished putting the last touches to the blue print that we will present to George. I look at the design again and I think of how over the weeks Geet and I put this together. I finally convinced her to work on this with me, after refusing to do this project at all if she was not with me. Truth be told, I took this project for her, I decided to do this in looking at her smile when George said he was making this house as a symbol of his love for his rose, I wanted to do this for her, so that I could show her my love. I don't know if I succeeded. There are many things that give me hope. Looking back, she had been so awkward at spending the night with me in the office that one night, now for this project we have spent many evenings together alone in the outhouse and she seems very comfortable and almost expectant that I should be there. Also the way she continues to feed me when I am there reminds of how my mom used to act around my dad when he was working late hours. Sometimes, I wonder am I reading too much into these gestures, her looks, her behavior, am I using my imagination to bridge in the gap between what I want to happen and what is happening. The house which we designed is beautiful. We finally decided to design it in the traditional Indian style, with a 2 floor plan, a central garden, many rooms for kids, room for guests, but we mixed in some modern elements with the open floor plan and semi-modern kitchen. It showed our personalities very clearly, and though I was the one putting the design on paper, seeing the end product even I am astonished at the beauty of the house. Maybe this is another indication of how well we blend together, despite any objections that she and I might have. Taking a breath, I decide to get ready, Geet and I are presenting this plan while having dinner with the couple at their temporary place. They had wanted to cook for us and have a "double date" while we finalized the plans for the house. This is the first event where Geet and I will go as an affianced couple, maybe I should have insisted on going alone, if only to not deal with these butterflies. So far we have come from that first day we had together in this house, to think if I knew that I would feel like this in a few months, I don't know if I would decided to give her a chance to work for me. But, thinking about it, I can remember what she was wearing the day she came back into my life, maybe it had been too late even then.

We are being lead into the kitchen area of the house, they are waiting for us there. She walks beside me, looking ever bit mine with the sari she was wearing, to her engagement ring, to the jewelry that Daadimaa insisted that she wear. In this whole journey from our house to here, we have not spoken a word, it's been like this for days, sometimes we speak and sometimes we stay silent, at times contemplating each other, at times contemplating ourselves, and at times contemplating this fake engagement, but always with our beings on each other. When we reach the kitchen it is to see George and rose working together, cooking, and in between swaying in each other arms listening to the music which is playing or kissing each other. We are stopped at the entrance of the kitchen, not wanting to intrude the couple. I am so happy for them, seeing them so open and close to each other, and yet I cannot help but feel a little jealous that they had reached the point where I want to reach with Geet but still I can't say if or when I ever will. As the song changes, and the song "so close" comes on I see them move away and start dancing with each other, speaking the words of the song to each other, and with each movement, word and expression they expressed their love and gratitude for each other for finally being so close, so together. Wanting to give them a few more minutes, I turn to look at her, and am stopped by the look of longing on her face. I continue to watch her and her longing, and as her gaze turns to me, I only see the longing intensify and the love come into her eyes, before she turns away from. My breath catches, and my heart beats faster as I think, maybe we are not as apart, so far away as I thought. Maybe this pretend, is not pretend or won't be for long. Thinking this, I decide to talk to her when we get home and I decide to continue to woo her. It's time, for us to come closer and time for us to move a step ahead, maybe for us to end up somewhere other than the beginning. As I think this, I move towards her, and catching hold of her hand, I gently guide her towards the living room. Pulling to stop after a few minutes, I gently pull her closer to me, till we too are swaying, a mirror to the couple we had left. As I go to speak, to once again ask her what she thinks of love, I am interrupted. "Maan, mujhe app se kuch baat karni thi"