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Part I: My Hurt
I trusted him more than anyone. He was the only one I could trust in this big bad world. He was always there. I craved for his attention. I felt elated when he praised me.
I felt disappointed and crushed when he got angry with me or blamed me for some mess or the other.
I silently took people's atrocities at the office because I did not want to give him any strife as he had enough on his plate.
But seems like I could never please him. I was scared of him or his anger most times. But I stood up to him when I felt injured or that I was in the right.
It seemed like he hated my guts sometimes but he was always there, whether it was good, bad, or ugly.
When he got mad at me for no reason or for some tame reason, I called him "Dusht Danav" because I sometimes loved his antics but sometimes I felt like crying.
Then all those parties came, he was angry, he hated my ideas. I felt depressed. He fired me without hearing me out or listening to me.
It was the end of my world.
I always thought and felt that he was the one person I could count on and that hope too dwindled.
Somehow I got another job but then it seems like I got in at the wrong end.
What is it that places people at the wrong place at the wrong time always? Whom do I curse? I cursed my destiny and to an extent I was angry with him for not understanding me or my predicament. I felt betrayed that he was so immune to my pain, my hurt though I sometimes could sense that HE WAS the ONLY one who could really feel it as much as I did.
But may be I am relating to him too much. May be it is my delusion that I think he cares for me.
I did not think he really wanted me to leave the outhouse. I know that he does not mean most of the things he says to me because his eyes convey so much of care and grace to me.
Should i chose to trust the language of the eyes or the words that spout from his mouth? I chose to do the first thing.
Of course, when I react to him I sometimes react to his words in the heat of anger but my heart knows to only understand the words from his heart that flow through his expressive eyes. And in that I find my consonance and console myself with.
But this time when he accused me of being after his money and said I wanted to trap him, I felt devastated. I could not believe that he in whom I trusted beyond all things possible is accusing me of this inhumane trait.
My heart broke into a million pieces. Can't he see my pain? Can't he see how much I am fighting my circumstances?
I have no money, no support, no family, no friends, no one.
All I had was him, all I had was my trust in him, all I had was the belief that no matter what he is there for me.
But with those words he shattered even that illusion.
I am broken! My spirit is broken!
Oh, Maan, why did you do this to me?
- GEET
Part II: My Pain
Did I have the power to hurt him?
Could I have hurt him all those times I have attacked him in my pain or retaliated to his attack?
I sometimes repent and regret how angry he makes me.
There are times when I feel that even he is siding with all the negative forces against me.
I don't mean to hurt him, but I know that I do sometimes deliberately, and sometimes unintentionally.
I realized off late that sometimes I am very cutting to him and that pains me too.
I don't like saying all those angry words to him.
But I am afraid that he will realize that I am so attentive to every of his word and that if he scolds me or scoffs at me, it is like the clouds on a sunny day and that my whole day gets ruined when he is angry with me.
I rely on him so much that I built my defense mechanism and survival on his suggestions.
I just can't take it when he is angry with me.
It makes me insecure
And out of the insecurity springs my fear
And from that fear rises my spine to show him that he cannot impact me though inside I am dying every time he yells at me or gets irritated with me or annoyed with me
Can he even understand that a part of me always looks up to him and looks up to the image of him where I put him on a pedestal and idolize him to an extent. I can never accept him falling from that pedestal and behave in a manner that is not befitting him or speaking words that are ignorant. I expect him to be intelligent and understanding.
He is one person who I expect to do the right thing at the right time that when he talks rubbish he fails me and my heart burns with hell's fire.
I know I hurt him at times...but it is only my defense mechanism just like I think he utters those words as his defense mechanism.
- GEET
Part III: My Gain
If at the end of all this journey I should find someone who means more to me than myself then it was well worth it.
I had begin to care.
i had begin to see him more than as my benefactor, boss, or someone who had always been there.
I am beginning to feel some delicate unfurling of intangible feelings.
I am beginning to realize that what Maan means to me is more than I thought I had the capacity for once again to feel.
He has caught my heart strings
He twists my heart's strings and ties them in knots
There is so much of hidden care and love for him in my heart that I never even knew it was there
I can see his vulnerability
I am touched and torn apart by him
It is not just respect
It is more
so much more
that I can barely fathom its depth
he means a lot to me
he means so very much
is it love?
it is pure and makes me so serene and calm
it is so subtle that it flows free
it has awakened a new dawn
and unleashed in me a fresh new song
- GEET
Epilogue: A Dedication
The dancing waves of the oceans, the changing hues of the purple skies, the warm mist of July, the glow of the fireflies and my heart follows.
Where my heart is your beat?
Where my soul is your belief?
Every window opens into the valley where the blossoms are in bloom
Every door opens into the abode where angels and gods weave the magic loom
The lantern glows bright driving away the darkness around
What is divinity
when everything is basked in the eternal light
What is love
when everything shines with beauty, and grace abounding
where is glory
but in the moonlight-filled lotus petals
how can this be anything that is decipherable
when it is ephemeral
touch it not
with the words
the words are like poison
that could violate the sanctity and
sacred virginal feelings
why do you try to define
what is infinite
how can you even enmesh
what is immeasurable
what flows
flows eternally
what remains
burns residual
even the ashes
glow bright
when the light
shines bright
only those that want to bring
down everything
to the tangible
can try to define
this intangible
but
I can never reach up to
putting a name to it
or tame it to surrender
to my understanding
I remain
only in remnants of the things gone behind
my yesterdays are no more
for they have made their pact
with my tomorrows
there is only truth
that showers and binds us both
in light that is
ethereal, enlightened, and everlasting
when the love is so pure
they say that
people rise up to the gods
today
we dance in that heaven
where love is eternal
- GEET
Annexure: Never Alone
They say we are alone
But even when you walk alone
the skies above, the ground beneath
and the wind around
follow you
on your path
you are that soothing wind
you are the sheltering sky
you are the blazing ground
and I am bound
to you
forever
- GEET
Luv Bridgette
I trusted him more than anyone. He was the only one I could trust in this big bad world. He was always there. I craved for his attention. I felt elated when he praised me.
I felt disappointed and crushed when he got angry with me or blamed me for some mess or the other.
I silently took people's atrocities at the office because I did not want to give him any strife as he had enough on his plate.
But seems like I could never please him. I was scared of him or his anger most times. But I stood up to him when I felt injured or that I was in the right.
It seemed like he hated my guts sometimes but he was always there, whether it was good, bad, or ugly.
When he got mad at me for no reason or for some tame reason, I called him "Dusht Danav" because I sometimes loved his antics but sometimes I felt like crying.
Then all those parties came, he was angry, he hated my ideas. I felt depressed. He fired me without hearing me out or listening to me.
It was the end of my world.
I always thought and felt that he was the one person I could count on and that hope too dwindled.
Somehow I got another job but then it seems like I got in at the wrong end.
What is it that places people at the wrong place at the wrong time always? Whom do I curse? I cursed my destiny and to an extent I was angry with him for not understanding me or my predicament. I felt betrayed that he was so immune to my pain, my hurt though I sometimes could sense that HE WAS the ONLY one who could really feel it as much as I did.
But may be I am relating to him too much. May be it is my delusion that I think he cares for me.
I did not think he really wanted me to leave the outhouse. I know that he does not mean most of the things he says to me because his eyes convey so much of care and grace to me.
Should i chose to trust the language of the eyes or the words that spout from his mouth? I chose to do the first thing.
Of course, when I react to him I sometimes react to his words in the heat of anger but my heart knows to only understand the words from his heart that flow through his expressive eyes. And in that I find my consonance and console myself with.
But this time when he accused me of being after his money and said I wanted to trap him, I felt devastated. I could not believe that he in whom I trusted beyond all things possible is accusing me of this inhumane trait.
My heart broke into a million pieces. Can't he see my pain? Can't he see how much I am fighting my circumstances?
I have no money, no support, no family, no friends, no one.
All I had was him, all I had was my trust in him, all I had was the belief that no matter what he is there for me.
But with those words he shattered even that illusion.
I am broken! My spirit is broken!
Oh, Maan, why did you do this to me?
- GEET
Part II: My Pain
Did I have the power to hurt him?
Could I have hurt him all those times I have attacked him in my pain or retaliated to his attack?
I sometimes repent and regret how angry he makes me.
There are times when I feel that even he is siding with all the negative forces against me.
I don't mean to hurt him, but I know that I do sometimes deliberately, and sometimes unintentionally.
I realized off late that sometimes I am very cutting to him and that pains me too.
I don't like saying all those angry words to him.
But I am afraid that he will realize that I am so attentive to every of his word and that if he scolds me or scoffs at me, it is like the clouds on a sunny day and that my whole day gets ruined when he is angry with me.
I rely on him so much that I built my defense mechanism and survival on his suggestions.
I just can't take it when he is angry with me.
It makes me insecure
And out of the insecurity springs my fear
And from that fear rises my spine to show him that he cannot impact me though inside I am dying every time he yells at me or gets irritated with me or annoyed with me
Can he even understand that a part of me always looks up to him and looks up to the image of him where I put him on a pedestal and idolize him to an extent. I can never accept him falling from that pedestal and behave in a manner that is not befitting him or speaking words that are ignorant. I expect him to be intelligent and understanding.
He is one person who I expect to do the right thing at the right time that when he talks rubbish he fails me and my heart burns with hell's fire.
I know I hurt him at times...but it is only my defense mechanism just like I think he utters those words as his defense mechanism.
- GEET
Part III: My Gain
If at the end of all this journey I should find someone who means more to me than myself then it was well worth it.
I had begin to care.
i had begin to see him more than as my benefactor, boss, or someone who had always been there.
I am beginning to feel some delicate unfurling of intangible feelings.
I am beginning to realize that what Maan means to me is more than I thought I had the capacity for once again to feel.
He has caught my heart strings
He twists my heart's strings and ties them in knots
There is so much of hidden care and love for him in my heart that I never even knew it was there
I can see his vulnerability
I am touched and torn apart by him
It is not just respect
It is more
so much more
that I can barely fathom its depth
he means a lot to me
he means so very much
is it love?
it is pure and makes me so serene and calm
it is so subtle that it flows free
it has awakened a new dawn
and unleashed in me a fresh new song
- GEET
Epilogue: A Dedication
The dancing waves of the oceans, the changing hues of the purple skies, the warm mist of July, the glow of the fireflies and my heart follows.
Where my heart is your beat?
Where my soul is your belief?
Every window opens into the valley where the blossoms are in bloom
Every door opens into the abode where angels and gods weave the magic loom
The lantern glows bright driving away the darkness around
What is divinity
when everything is basked in the eternal light
What is love
when everything shines with beauty, and grace abounding
where is glory
but in the moonlight-filled lotus petals
how can this be anything that is decipherable
when it is ephemeral
touch it not
with the words
the words are like poison
that could violate the sanctity and
sacred virginal feelings
why do you try to define
what is infinite
how can you even enmesh
what is immeasurable
what flows
flows eternally
what remains
burns residual
even the ashes
glow bright
when the light
shines bright
only those that want to bring
down everything
to the tangible
can try to define
this intangible
but
I can never reach up to
putting a name to it
or tame it to surrender
to my understanding
I remain
only in remnants of the things gone behind
my yesterdays are no more
for they have made their pact
with my tomorrows
there is only truth
that showers and binds us both
in light that is
ethereal, enlightened, and everlasting
when the love is so pure
they say that
people rise up to the gods
today
we dance in that heaven
where love is eternal
- GEET
Annexure: Never Alone
They say we are alone
But even when you walk alone
the skies above, the ground beneath
and the wind around
follow you
on your path
you are that soothing wind
you are the sheltering sky
you are the blazing ground
and I am bound
to you
forever
- GEET
Luv Bridgette
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