An Imperial Affliction Completed G

Restart- 1

Published On Sunday,Sep 13, 2020 17:51 PM GMT-06:00

Euripides said, “When love is in excess it brings a man no honor nor worthiness.”

Sakshi could not stop smiling, and it grated on his nerves.

The moment he had agreed for the lunch Arjun had realized what a colossal mistake it was. Of course, she would take it as something else- a sign that he is reciprocating whatever she harbor for him. Since the time she had joined ETF, she had left breadcrumbs and neon signs to reciprocate her feelings, and he was always good at ignoring them, often rudely. But for some reason she never gave up, and because of his stupid mistake she might think it all were worth it.

It is all too easy to blame his slip on Riya, but it was all him. He was absent minded and did not think twice about what he was saying, thinking this distraction was all he needed. An afternoon away from office, what’s better? It only when he went home that he realized what it would mean for Sakshi, and now it was too late to back out.

Hot water poured on him as steam filled in the shower, Arjun standing under there as if the scalding temperature would ease off some of his anxiety. Supporting himself against the wall, he sighed- but the moment he closed his eyes, all he could see was Her and could hear her harsh words.

One thing that is certain after their . . . fight is too less of a word to describe. Fallout is better, but not accurate. But one thing is certain, whatever partnership they had was gone now. The end. He can never look at her with the same adoration or awe as earlier, and the way she spoke to him pretty much told what she thought of him. It hurt, so much that it felt like it would split him in half, but that’s what it is. He always believed that if one cares about another, he or she should also accept the way other person is- good and the ugly, the whole package. Neither he is strong enough to handle her darkness, nor she is ready yet to see the light now. Seeing her struggle would hurt, but he would be brave, he has to be. He can’t let himself be that much vulnerable now, can he?

But, the pressing matter remained- the lunch. Sighing, Arjun turned off the shower, ready to be done with this once and for all.

That Sakshi was happy would be an understatement, and her infectious smile spread to everyone in office. She loudly greeted everyone good morning, often checked herself in her small mirror kept in make up kit and smiled widely at whoever that will ask why she was so happy. The more she smiled, the brooding of Arjun went worse, and of course Sam noticed.

“What’s special, Sakshi?” He teased, side eyeing Arjun who sat inside his cabin across the bullpen but kept his eyes inside the meeting room, “A hot date?”

Her blush told it all, but nothing could prepare him for the next couple of words, “It’s Arjun!” If speechless was a word, that would be Sameer Rathore in that moment, and the complete anti thesis was Sakshi who could not stop herself from sharing. Attempting a feeble smile and ‘Good luck’, he left the room in the pretense of meeting the Director, barely making any sound on the former’s usual teasing on Aisha.

Dear lord, he thought to himself. This was a mess. He gave a look to his best friend sitting inside his cabin, who, very conveniently, looked busy in his file. Fine, if that’s how its going to be. He is not going to barge in there and lecture. If this was a mistake, he would rectify.

And then he wondered if this was something Arjun actually wanted and looked back at Sakshi. His eyes looked around, searching for the other half of this mess, and once again Riya was missing from the crime scene. Internally groaning, he decided to head back, enough of the office drama for the day.

Weeks of countless visits to IT and to his senior’s cabin, Rahane was done waiting.

The organizations were busy with Haqqani issue and it was pretty much done deal that he would be transferred to his home country in next couple of weeks. Tension was everywhere and time was up for them, now they awaits for the actual ritual. This felt like another failure, and Rahane had realized that if there was something which can even remotely have chance to stop this mess, it was to find Sahay. The moment Sahay tells them it was Haqqani, they will have reason to stop this transfer, build a strong case and find whatever the heck these terrorists were planning in the shadows.

On the other side of the mess, Delhi serial killer style killing have completely stopped all over county, and even though the perpetrator remained at large, the public was happy that there was no threat- at least, for now. Rahane was almost obsessively following up this case, now that he had realized it was all for Sahaay, and when the last body fell and this eery silence stretched on, he had a bad feeling. Hence, he had to do what he had to do. Put all his juniors on this case, gather information on the victims, and adding his brilliant idea to match their prints with Victim database, both in India and outside country. Juniors were not happy, all they wanted was to have a pie on the big juicy case of Haqqani and brainstorm on it, and their senior has put them on a serial killer case meant for pesky police. But of course, none going to say this in front of him, whose mood had soured considerably to the point that he was always on the edge thanks to coffee and had bloodshot eyes by staring into computer screen.

But God helps those who helps themselves, and his idea showed good work- or bad, depending upon the result. The last victim’s prints matched Neel Sahaay’s fingerprints when his ‘body’ was found in car blast, and he knew it was not really him in past, but reports confirmed someone had given DNA samples and access to his apartment to match the prints.

ACP Riya Mukherjee, the then- Girlfriend of Sahaay.

And once again, all his paths lead to her.

He slumped on his chair, running fingers through hair as he stared at the computer screen. What if the last body was really Sahaay’s? That would mean this was truly the end of all his work, and they will never know what was going on. Why he faked his death, what he did, for whom? Why he returned now? Exhaling a frustrating breath, he spun around in his chair, closing eyes to go over all the things he had gone through the moment he knew about this whole mess. Him going to delhi, surviving shoot out, losing his team mates, his vow in front of his agent’s grave, all that was for nothing.

Opening his eyes, he read through the reports on the last body found in mumbai once again. It was still rotting away in a morgue near Juhu. He knew it was fruitless, he has already given up, but a part of him probably wanted to see it for himself. To find closure.

He picked up his phone and typed a message.

The lunch was excruciatingly long and painful, to say the least. Arjun found himself checking his watch occasionally, wondering when this will end and what is the acceptable time to excuse himself from the restaurant. He was majorly silent, humming and agreeing to Sakshi and tried to ate his food- emphasis on try, because he concentrated more on drinking water. If this was a drink, he would have been on the floor by now, drunk out of his mind.

Sakshi, to her credit, stopped after a while, smiling to herself as she pushed her hair behind ear in nervousness, “Arjun?” When she got his attention in the form of a nod, she continued, “Thank you, for coming to lunch. This meant a lot to me.”

“No need for that.” He wiped his mouth with a tissue, avoiding her eyes the whole time, “Thanks for the lunch, actually. The food is . . . great.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Neither can he, he thought to himself, “But finally, you saw it. Decided to give this a chance.”

And that’s how the moment of truth arrived. Internally cursing himself for the awkward position, at the same time deciding to finish this topic once and for all, Arjun sat straight, the earlier hesitance gone.

“Sakshi, this is not a date.”

He steeled himself for her tears, heartbreak, anger. Even her yelling at him in a restaurant full of people. But she surprised him- the earlier light was replaced by gloominess and her smile vanished, as the words of rejection hit her. She took a deep breath as she looked down, before meeting his squarely once again.

“And why not, Arjun?”

He was stumped at the question, but also angry. Did not he tell her over and over again, showed his rejection? Does she really need to spell it out, or she was just being stubborn?

“Because, I am not interested in you.”

“Why?”

He frowned, “What?” Sakshi sat straight, ready with her points.

“Why you are not interested in me? Why won’t you give this,” She signaled the two of them and he looked away in barely held annoyance, “a chance?”

“Because I don’t see you that way. We have nothing common. I don’t like you . . . in that manner.” There were times he did not even like her as a human, much less than a friend, but he was not going to say that.

“How do you even know we have nothing in common? How much do you even know about me?” He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off with a show of hand, “Outside the hours we work together, what do you know about me or I know about you? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

“And I don’t want to!” He raised his voice in frustration, then calmed himself at her shocked expression and peoples stares on them, “Listen Sakshi, I appreciate your gesture, this lunch. I agreed, but as a co-worker. A friend. But that’s it. So please stop, stop looking at it as something else, because there will be never.”

“I don’t understand why won’t you . .. “ She replied instantly but he was firm this time. He had enough.

“Because when two people give something a chance, there needs to be a mutual liking. Not one sided.” She pressed her lips at his words, “And I am sorry, but there is nothing from my side. Please understand this and let’s end the topic right here, right now.”

Her idea of him ever reciprocating feeling for her needs to go away. She thinks if they spend time together and he learns more about her he will start to have feelings for her- no. It was impossible, especially . . .

He closed his eyes in annoyance. Not now.

“You know what, Arjun?” He opened his eyes and looked at her, her cold tone ringing, “She will never reciprocate.”

His blood ran ice, “Excuse me?” Don’t she dare, he thought to himself.

“You know exactly who am I talking about.” She continued, uncaring of his glare and threat to leave this alone visible in his eyes, “Don’t you think I don’t see it? Hell, half the office does. And she does not care. Never has, never will. She has proven it again and again that others are more important for her- her not so dead ex . . . “

“Sakshi.” He hissed her name but she kept on going.

“her spy gang, that Rahane.” She spit his name out as if a curse, “So you are in for a rude awakening if you think that was ever going to happen. You and her.”

He had enough of her words. It’s not that he did not know the truth behind her words, but this was not something he needed or wanted to hear from her mouth. Besides, she has no business between them. Whatever it was- good, bad or ugly, they will handle themselves. Neither he nor Riya had ever brought any third party between their spat, not even Sam who always had an idea what was going to but let them figure it out themselves. When Sam did not interfare, why the hell she thinks she can?

“Stop bringing her into this.” He warned her, and his tone might have sounded serious enough that Sakshi blinked, looking terrified for the first time. She has crossed a limit today, and internally Arjun was shaking. He was also thankful that they were sitting inside a restaurant, or he did not know what he would have done.

“Enough Sakshi. I am not going to entertain this idea of yours. To me, I was clear from the first day that there was nothing between us, nor there will be ever. Before her, after her.” He could not utter her name, not now, “So please stop. Stop connecting lines when there are no dots.”

“Can you put your hand on heart and say the truth that you are not waiting for her?” She tried the one last time and Arjun got up.

“I am not discussing this with you.” He threw the napkin on the table and put money from his wallet, uncaring of the bill. Before leaving he whispered to her ears.

“And this will be the last time you mention her, or else it won’t be pretty.”

Riya had arrived in the afternoon to avoid paper work and boring meetings in the absence of a slow day without any fresh case, and noticed almost immediately how Sameer’s eyes found her. Almost as if he was waiting for her. Curious at the same time letting him stew in the impatience, she made a show of making a coffee, stirring the liquid slowly which seemed forever, then walked towards the discussion room where three male members of the team, sans the Crime journo and their boss, sat. Her pace was unhurried and she greeted the men with a nod, taking her usual seat, eyes never leaving the Senior officer. He looked frustrated at her intentional lesuirely pace, but then looked smug as he turned towards Shree.

“I wonder how the lunch is going.” He asked loudly, and the IT expert blinked, pushing glasses over his nose, “I am honestly curious.”

“And I am shocked.” He murmured, then shrugged, “But good for them, I guess.”

Riya wondered who the people they are talking about, but chose to ask nothing. With amusement she noticed from the corner of her eyes that Sam fidgeted on his chair, who had clearly expected her to speak up. Her enjoying his discomfort was a giant miss from her side- Sameer Rathore was not someone who kept his thoughts to himself, especially to the people close to him. There has to be something that he wanted to ask or inform, and as she had failed to notice that, she had to pay.

Chotu leaned on his chair, deciding to add his two bit with a confused smile, “When she told me about the date, I was shocked too. But I guess it’s time, you know? I hope it goes great, Sakshi deserves to be happy.”

“And Arjun needs to be in a relationship.” Sameer had enough and decided to drop the bomb, and with satisfaction saw the coffee mug in front of ACP’s mouth has gone still, “It’s been too long he has been single, you know?”

The juniors chatted about this unexpected turn of events between the two team mates who are, almost always, at odds with each other, but then, so was Arjun and Riya. And they were fine now, so there is no surprise why the Boss won’t go on a date with the crime journo who was clearly so besotted with him since day 1. Sameer occasionally hummed with agreement and commented, but his main focus was on Riya, hoping for any sign under that mask of calmness. He wanted one hope, one small gesture to know this was as important to her as it is to his BFF, who had clearly made a wrong move with regards to this ‘date’. This whole issue was complicated especially from Riya’s side who was not in a position to move forward, not at least the Neel Sahay mess was over, but Sameer wanted to be sure there was equal investment from her side as it is from Arjun’s.

Or maybe, it was. He can’t explain this turn of events otherwise.

It pained him, but also knew this was no cupid show or innocent wish that can happen with his meddling. Once upon a time, he genuinely thought Roshni was it for Arjun, but years passed with no development and the relation died. He learnt from the two a major thing- if your relationship is stagnant after a long period, it was as good as gone. Then Riya entered their lives, and he has seen their equation changing every day, every moment. He had seen Arjun’s care for her - starkly naked and unashamed, even if at times frustrated, almost wishing he did not feel for the other woman as much as he did. He knows Riya cares about him too. She values his opinion and confides in him, and at times Sameer sees something else in her eyes for his best friend. But he can’t say for certain it’s as deep as his friend.

In his intense staring session he had forgotten when the conversation had died down and the room become unbearably silent. He had almost given up anything from her, when Riya calmly put down her coffee mug, which was surprisingly empty now, and looked right past him towards Chotu.

“So, the crime journo finally scored a date, eh?”

The duo chuckled and it started all over again, and Sameer completely gave up the 1% hope he had in this mess. Her face betrayed nothing, he can even go far and say she looked curious, amused at the thing. After a while she looked at him, and silently asked What?

Really? He glared at her. She smirked at her and just to infuriate him further, indulged in the conversation further. It was only when the juniors moved out she looked at him, amused at his expression.

“Is there something?”

He stared at her for a long time, and her smile vanished slowly, bit by bit, as she looked at him blankly. There was a lot he wanted to say, but he also realized along with the fact that it was not his place to say, that she was not there yet. A person who don’t feel something should not be pushed to feel in a certain way to please others. And Riya is not someone people can push and get by, and he did not want a fallout in this crucial point in their situation.

”I thought so.” He admitted, resigned, as he shook head, “But now, there is nothing.”

Riya saw him moving out of the room as he gave a squeeze to her shoulder, his head hung, and kept looking until he had vanished from her sight. The paper in her hand was now resembled a ball thanks to the pressure in her palm, and when she looked down after a long time, her nails had made crescent marks on the soft skin. Frowning, she let the ball go, which rolled on the floor.

There was a lot of thing in her head, but she pushed it away. As regrets will not make her feel better.

ETF don’t get much free time as emergencies wait for none, hence after a small respite of office gossip, the team was back to work. The case was simple enough, even though heartbreaking and ugly- murder of a teenager. The main accuse was the girl’s Mother’s ex boyfriend, who also happened to be a bigshot lawyer. The Director made it clear by her irritated expression that while she did not want this case, the lawyer left no other option for them other than to investigate. He wanted them to clear his name.

As he was the victim and desperately wanted to be clear of accused, the man was quite forthcoming. Rakesh Chaurasia came from a family of lawyers and IPS who fell in love with a single Mother an year ago, but it soon went south as the daughter, Richa, was vehemently opposed to the idea. That was reason of their breakup, and as per the man, he didn’t meet Sunaina, his ex, for months until he came to know Richa was dead and he was the prime accused.

“But why you are the prime suspect?” Sameer asked, beside him Arjun stared at the lawyer silently, “You two were broken up months ago, right?”

Rakesh contemplated before answering, and Madam Director, who stood in the corner of the interrogation room all this time, walked upto them.

“You came to us, remember? Be truthful.”

He gazed at the woman sharply, then spoke without taking his eyes off, “I was accused of molesting Richa.”

“Disgusting scum.” Sakshi exclaimed the moment team was back in discussion room, her usual indignation intensified more due to the nature of this case, or the general bad luck she endured this week, she can’t tell. Shree and Chotu looked at each other at the outburst, Sameer frowned and then turned to Arjun, who actively avoided looking at her as he sat on his usual chair.

“Language.” Aisha scolded, rubbing her temple as she turned to her team, “Bring in Sunaina and her family, will you?”

“We need the full picture here.” Sameer agreed, to which the former nodded. Riya opened her mouth to ask something, the twirling pen in her fingers moving as she thought but Arjun beat her into it.

“Why the family thinks it was Rakesh?”

“Well, the lawyer is a child predator.” Sakshi replied with venom, “No wonder the Mother thinks its the ex boyfriend.”

He glared at her but chose to say nothing. Her temper had rose since the disastrous lunch, and he bore the full responsibility of her attitude. Also, at the same time her words made him see red and he did not know when he himself will burst out and make a scene.

“Is there any evidence that he was there?” Chotu asked, reaching for a file, “The girl was found dead in her house, right?”

“There was no CCTV, no eye witness, no prints at the crime scene.” Riya said, “So on what basis they are accusing him?”

“That’s exactly what we need to find out.” Aisha said, looking at her.

The moment news of Rakesh being a possible murderer hit the news, ETF premises became a playground of circus. There were so many calls ranging from reporters to high profile people that Director’s PA looked almost ready to quit, and then were was Sakshi, who took her rejection seriously and threw all caution to the air. Letting the info slip that Rakesh had possibly also molested the teenager when he was in relationship with her Mother, and that’s what lead to the breakup and murder now, she actively helped for a vicious media trial for the one reputed lawyer. Riya was with the Director talking about the case when she got the phone call about the tip, and the ACP did not remember the last time she saw her this pissed.

“I am going to kill her.” She seethed, and then ran out of her cabin like a bat out of hell, and she almost ran to catch upto her. Or slightly worried about the upcoming situation, she could not tell.

The office stared in amazement and fear as the wrath of Director befell upon the crime journo, “Hey!” she yelled at the woman who was standing near Shree, and people stared. Forgetting about other staff or her own flaring temper, she decided to give her a dress down.

“You leaked it, don’t you? What the hell, Sakshi?”

Beside her, Riya side eyed the angry woman, almost reaching out to take it inside the conference room but also knowing, this was her being the Boss and asserting her dominance. This was not her place to interfere in a heated matter. The other members of core ETF group came one by one, confused and wary.

“It was the right thing to do, and besides,” Aisha frowned at the cool tone of Sakshi but brushed it off almost immediately, “it’s the truth. What’s the issue?”

“Do you have no sense of justice? The man’s life is destroyed! There will be media trial, dammit!”

“I am not an employee of ETF, Aisha.” Her tone was hard, “Hence I have no obligation to not share tips on a breaking news to my friends.”

“You are shadowing us on cases.” The Director took a step toward her and this time, Riya held onto her but she brushed off her hold.

“Yes, but truth comes first.” She looked at Riya over Aisha’s shoulder, “Remember?” The Director exhaled a frustrated breath as the former continued, “Don’t worry, if it’s proven wrong, I will personally write flowery praises when the case is solved, just like I did all these months.”

“Provided it’s Chaurasia.” Riya said quietly. The crime journo looked at her sharply, crossing arms over chest as she smirked bitterly.

“Who else do you think is a killer?”

Sakshi removed her gaze from Riya and met the Director’s again, and there was this look in her eyes the former has never seen before- sure, the woman never liked her but there is this heightened sense of dislike from her side. Filing it for later, she turned to Aisha.

“Maybe let’s take it inside?”

“No, I am done.” Aisha replied calmly, taking another step toward Sakshi as she cowered slightly, “Effective immediately, you are no longer allowed to shadow ETF. You don’t get access to investigation, not even this building.” Crossing her arms, she upped her chin.

“Now get out.”

Sunaina and her brother, Sushil, arrived in ETF hours later just as the office was reeling with the bullpen drama. If there was any doubt on Rakesh now, it had gone away completely seeing the catatonic mother and grief stricken Uncle, who shook with rage the moment he heard Rakesh’s name.

“I curse the moment that scoundrel came to their lives.” He wept bitterly in his hands as ETF members looked at each other, heart sinking.

“You are unusually quiet.” Sameer remarked one afternoon during team meeting to Riya, who was by far voluntarily silent- it was a combination of observing the changing dynamics of team, her own disappointment with things in general, and the nature of this case.

“There is nothing to add here.” She sighed, running fingers through hair, “Everything is crystal clear.” Her eyes fell on Arjun, who was buried in a file and then looked up to tell Shree something. He sensed her gaze, stilled, then carried on his conversation as he internally shook himself off. Sameer saw it all, and like always chose to remain silent.

There was a knock on the door and the Director’s PA entered, “You.” She pointed towards the ACP as she frowned, “The Director wants to see you.”

Riya got up, and noticed with amusement and gratitude that team around her looked concerned, even the Boss had looked up this time, meeting her gaze even though that face betrayed nothing. Suddenly self conscious, she looked down swallowing, then walked out with the PA.

And of course, Rahane was inside the Director’s cabin.

She did not even feel like running away this time, or anything close to anger and irritation. She was surprised by her own calmness which came from accepting one’s situation. When she gave a nod to the Agent who looked haggard, he blinked in surprise.

Aisha, on the other hand, looked on edge, “Sit down.” At her look she added gently, “Please, I insist.”

She took a sit as the duo shared looks, and Riya suddenly felt like she was in principal’s office. Or in a situation where she was calmed down before giving a bad news, just in case she lunged like a wounded animal. Cautiously watching the two as time stretched on, Aisha cleared her throat.

“Rahane has something.” She started, “There was a lot of things I did not understand, but he is pressed for time, so I will keep this short. As per him, the delhi serial killing was related to Haqqani.”

Silence followed this anti climactic line, and Riya nodded slowly, “That killer is gone, right?”

“And there is a good reason for it.” Rahane spoke up, ignoring the indignant look of the Director at the interruption. Putting hands inside his pants pocket, he paused for a few seconds before continuing.

“The last victim of the serial killer is Neel Sahaay.”

Her world stopped spinning for a second.

The duo waited for any reaction from the ACP who was dealt with shocks one after another. Rahane in particular braced himself for anything- tears of grief, anger, her slamming the door shut, or throwing things. To their surprise, the ACP took a deep breath after minutes of silence, her head down.

“Is it real this time?” She whispered. Aisha looked alarmed at the tone and almost reached out, but Rahane replied.

“I guess so. We matched his prints from Victim database.”

“There is victim database?” Aisha asked, incredulous.

“There is victim database.” He confirmed.

“Of course there is victim database.” Riya rubbed her face before looking up, “So you are here to give us this news? Is it over?”

“I need solid proof. I was thinking if you two can identify the body.” Riya stilled at the reply, “It’s lying for weeks in morgue. I have made all the arrangements, you just need to visit and have a look.”

“Why her?” She pointed at Aisha.

“Two is better than one.” Frankly, he also wanted to have her a support in case of breakdown, as it was obvious the Director share a good relation with the ACP. Riya heard the bullshit in his words, gave a small twisted smirk as she looked down. Aisha was confused at the calm way this conversation was heading. Granted, Neel betrayed them but this was a real possibility of him being dead. Her mind said as Riya said the chapter was over for her, she was calm. But her heart said something else.

Rahane took leave after confirming the officers presence the next morning and Aisha dragged a chair in front of the other woman, staring as to figure out her mind. The ACP looked up, frowning as she stared right back.

“It might not be him.” Aisha said. The former shrugged, rubbing at her face once again and sighing.

“I should join the meeting again.” She got up and opened the door, but stopped as Aisha asked, puzzled.

“Meeting?”

“Uh, yes? Why? Where should I be?”

“If this was some other time, you would have been running somewhere.” The Director burst out without thinking, regretting almost immediately as the other woman’s face fell. She desperately wanted some clue as to what was going on with her right in this moment.

“Where will I go?” She whispered softly, her tone sad.

“The club, maybe? I don’t know.” At the mention of club memories of the ugly spat filled her head and her tone got hard.

“No, I can’t go there anymore.” Looking up, she ended the conversation, “See you tomorrow at the morgue.”

The door slammed after her, leaving the Director with deep thoughts.

When Riya entered the conference room again, the meeting had ended and Chotu was leaving. Handing her over his notebook where he had meticulously noted down everything like he always had for each cases, he walked out for the day. Riya took the notebook and sat on her chair, and with wonder she noticed her hands were shaking as she turned over the pages. Trying to stop the tremor with another hand and being unsuccessful at that, she fist her palms with all her might, unforgiving on herself.

Not sensing pain is good sometimes.

She was trying so hard to keep things at bay, not trying to think much with things related to Neel and this new found uneasiness in the office which was entirely her fault, but sometimes it catches up with heart and it hurts, even if the body don’t. There was a time this office was her sanctuary, she felt at peace even if nothing was going right outside, and now she can’t breath in this place, can’t raise her hand or speak what she feels like. There are times she sees Arjun and in her mind tells him, Look at me, please. And then she looks down because she spoke despicable things to him, and there is no right for her to even meet his eyes, let alone ask for forgiveness. She has none to blame but herself, and there is this whole other untouched area of why this hurts so much and why Neel and Arjun’s place in her head blurs at times. Disappointment should not hurt this bad, she was used to it right?

Also, how can she claim to be hurt when she was the perpetrator?

Her vision blurred and a lone tear escaped her eye, running down on her cheek. Immediately brushing it off, she rubbed at her face again, removing all the confusing thoughts in her head. Then she dragged the notebook on her lap, leaned on her chair and rotate it even if her mind was somewhere else.