New IshRa OS:Moving forward!

Why was she even blaming him? Ishita muttered under her breath.

No trust at all! Upar se jhoot bhi bolne lage ho and so shamelessly aur mujhe liar bolta hain! Not fair at all! I should stop crying for him. He doesn't need my love or my care. He simply doesn't care then why am I even bothering?

The problem was with her. She had again fallen in love with... the wrong guy. While she had managed to get Subbu out of her system, she was not sure she would be able to kick this man out of the home in her heart where his name had permanency written on it. She dropped herself heavily on the couch, sobbing uncontrollably after finally admitted to herself that love had again knocked at the door of her heart and she had dared open it. Now she was irrevocably in love with the man despite and in spite of all.

But for a moment, she had thought that somewhere, somehow Raman had come to realize that he had feelings for her. She had thought that he was jealous of Mani because he had started to...Why? Just why did she keep hoping for something that would never happen? Ishita thought morosely. She looked away- hurt and heartbroken. Flashbacks of what had just happened moments ago, mixing with her tears and blurring her vision danced in front of her...

His throwing away her gift she had chosen so lovingly for him, his calling her a liar...and then the one which knocked her off completely- the fake accident. Insensitive and ruthless! Her heart had nearly stopped when Mihir had called her. She would never ever forgive both of them for playing with her emotions like this. And Raman ka to Bilkul hi nahin!

- Ishita!

The door of their room opened. He was back. She immediately turned away to hide her tears. When she finally faces him, their eyes met.

His were apologetic. Hers were red and full of anguish.

Ishita stood up and held her head high as she walked past him. But her tears betrayed her as they welled up in her eyes again. He saw the tears. Were they tears of frustration, tears of hurt, tears of disappointment...? Raman was not sure of what was going on in her head? He would prefer that she kept boggling his mind with her nonstop lecture than give him the silent treatment. He thought he understood her. He thought he could read her thoughts correctly. But... he was wrong again. Raman looked at her. He had lot of explaining to do but... He looked on as she walked away closing the door on his face. Her words echoed in his head making him restless.

No trust, no relationship! There is nothing between us Raman. I am not going to accept your forgiveness. You simply DON'T CARE! And I am done!

He was feeling so low. Her face was haunting him every time he was closing his eyes. 'Damn it!' Raman hit the door with his fist in frustration, cursing himself for being silent in front of her. He rebuked himself for being unable to tell her that HE CARED. How could he be tongue-tied when he desperately wanted to tell her that he had full trust on her, more than on anybody else, more than himself? Why did he hesitate to take her in his embrace when all he wanted was to crush her to him seeing her so broken and yelling on the street?

He closed his eyes, his fingers fisted till his knuckles ache, he took a deep breath. Instead of calming himself down, he found himself fuming. Why should he tell her everything or anything? Couldn't she feel what was inside him when she so often claimed to know him better than himself? His volatile temper started stirring inside him again. He needed a cold shower to clear his fogged mind and cool himself

An hour later, when he came from the bathroom, he was surprised to find her back in the room with the first aid box in her hand. She was the most loving and caring woman he had ever come across and he couldn't stop feeling more guilty than he was already. He took the kit from her hand and without a word, turned to the mirror to tend to his wounds.

- Let me help you.

She leaned forward and took hold of his hand to take the antiseptic cream.

- No! Leave it!

He oppressed moving away from her. Still holding his hand, Ishita responded firmly:

- Aren't your tantrums not yet over? Stop being a child! Let me help you.

He looked at her with a straight face. She chose to ignore his stares. She slowly lifted her hand to his face to clean the cut on his forehead. Her touch was so light and comforting that Raman even forgot to blink his eyes till he felt a twinge of pain and hissed an "Ouchhh". She quickly muttered a genuine "sorry" and continued nursing his wounds. He stood there mesmerized by her inner beauty and selflessness, watching the rhythm of her long eyelashes while she blew softly on his wound, making him close his eyes. He could feel his quickened heartbeats as her fingers brushed his cheek softly...Her voice finally ripped him out of his trance. She was done. When he opened his eyes, they met hers squarely. She immediately gazed away, ready to go but his grip on her wrist stopped her.

- Ishita, look at me.

Without breaking the eye lock, he moved closer to her...and with a moan he whispered into her ears

- I am sorry.

The answer came without delay.

- I told you. Don't bother. There is absolutely nothing between us. I am not expecting anything from you in this...this...loveless marriage.

She was angry. She had every right to be so but she had no right to say that theirs was a...In between clenched teeth, fury blazing his eyes he asked:

- There is nothing between us?

Ishita struggled to free herself from his hold while his fingers kept digging painfully into her arms.

- If there is nothing between us, then what has you rushing to me thinking that I was hurt or in trouble? Why can't you see me in pain when there is nothing between us? Why are you always there for me, with me when I don't care and keep giving you pain if there is nothing between us? A loveless marriage! Yes you are right. Even Mani was right the other day. I am a bad husband. I have only given you a grievous and...loveless marriage. I... I am sorry Ishita.

Ishita was affected by the turmoil she saw in his eyes as he released his grip on her arm leaving his sentence incomplete.Why do they keep telling each other that there was nothing between them when fact was that they were both aware that there was something between them, something that both were too scared to utter?

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Ishita was busy with some paper work at the clinic when she got Mani's visit. She tried her best to be her cheerful self but she could not deceive her friend.

- Ishu! Wont you tell me what's wrong? I am your bestie right?

Tears again welled up in her eyes as she opened up her heart to Mani, telling him how much Raman had hurt her with his behaviour and the lie.

- He is as upset as you are Ishu. He lied about the accident to meet you.

Surprised she lifted her teary eyes enquiringly at him.

- Yes Raman came to meet me this morning. He is very worried about you. He wanted me to...

- To fool me into forgiving and talking to him?

- No Ishu! He came because he cannot see you like this. Hurting so much. He wanted me to come and lift up your mood. I think...he loves Ishu.

- Raman doesn't love me. He loves himself.

- Why would a man like Raman act so childishly these days? Why would he fake an accident just to talk to you?

- Because he is just insensitive.

- Come on Ishu. You are more sensible than this! You know him better than me, right? You told me yourself what a man of minimal words he is and how he has strange ways to show his love and care. Ishu, the man is jealous of our friendship, is possessive about you, hates me for knowing you more than him but still he came to me, to ask me to make you...smile.

Ishita sat with tears flowing down her cheeks, letting the words seep in.

- I need to go Mani.

Without waiting for Mani's reaction, she was out of the clinic, in her car. It was time to have a talk with this man! Enough of running away! Enough of sentences left incomplete in their life! Enough of denials! Enough of these never ending inner battles and turmoil!

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- So this is how you have planned to make things better? Sitting in your cabin while other clean up your mess?

Raman who was lost in his thoughts, lifted his eyes to the door. There she was, with barely suppressed fury in her eyes. Her question confused him

- Whaaat...are you saying?

- I heard you last night.

Raman realized what she was talking about. He had thought that he was pouring his heart to a sleeping Ishita, telling her how sorry he was, how desperate he was feeling seeing her so hurt, how he promised to rectify things...

Closing the door, she stood with her arms folded and a determined look on her face, she concluded.

- Hmmm, After Mihir, it is now Mani's turn to join in your plan.

- Ishita please. I only asked him to cheer you up.

- Kyun? Dard aap dete ho aur cheer up woh karein?

- Toh mein kya karoon? Mujhe ek chance nahin de rahe ho. Sirf barass rahe ho mujhe pe. I have been trying to explain but you simply don't want to listen to me. Aaj subah mujhe kitna sunaya for switching off your mobile. You just need an excuse now to get angry on me.

- Oh yes of course! Only YOU have the right to get angry, to hurt people...

- I am sorry.

- You are not forgiven bas!

- Then go away! Leave me alone!

Angry she turned on her heels but stopped hearing his voice.

- Don't!

When she turned to look at him, her heart went to him seeing the expression of hurt and self loathe on his face. She asked him softly:

- What do you want Raman? You are so full of contradictions. One day you show so much care and the next day you turn ruthless. One minute you ask me to stay and the next minute you want me to leave. What should I understand from your attitudes?

- I don't know Ishita. The more I try to make things work the more I mess up and end hurting you. I am not thinking straight these days.

- WHY?

- Because I hate to see Mani around you.

That's it! He had finally voiced it out. He turned away running his fingers in his hair.

- WHY?

What an irritating woman! He turned to face her annoyingly ready for another outburst but her soft face with a complacent smile made him change his tone and he answered with a sulk.

- You are MY wife, bas!

- And this gives you all the rights...

- Yes!

- Male Chauvinistic Pig

- That's how I am. Imperfect!

- I was never looking for perfection.

- But still you keep complaining and comparing! With... Mani

- That's not fair. I don't.

- You do!

- I was neither complaining nor comparing. I was only confiding to my friend.

- I thought I was once Rama, your saheli.

Pause...

His gaze never left hers. Finally...Tentatively... she asked:

- You really want me to confide in you?

- You can tell me anything.

- But my lecture bothers you...

- But your silence affects me more...

- You hurt me. That gift was yours Raman

- More than the gift I wanted your attention Ishita.

- Then why do you always run away from me Raman?

- That's my coping strategies when...fear and insecurities...grip me.

- I am always there for you Raman. Don't you trust me?

- I trust you more than I trust myself.

Ishita's eyes again searched his. They were always the windows to his soul. His eyes reflected all the genuineness his words could convey. She asked him softly:

- Can we... take this relationship forward?

This question had loads of implications. With her heart thudding painfully against her ribs, she waited for his answer.

- Why do you think was I so desperate to apologize to you?

- Will I ever get a simple and direct answer from you?

- Is your heart strong enough for my brutally honest answers?

His eyes have a teasing glimmer despite the tears clouding them. She looked at him with a loving smile. This man would never change. She wanted to tell him that her heart was just waiting for his brutal and honest confession of his feelings for her. She opened her mouth to answer him back but stopped as the door opened on an acutely embarrassed Mihir.

- I...I...Sorry...I..

- It's ok Mihir. I was leaving anyway. Your bhai and I will continue our conversation at home.

Ishita smiled at Raman and turned to leave.

- Sorry bhabhi for ...

- It's ok Mihir.

And looking at Raman, she continued:

- You know Mihir, one great man once said, when one falls in love the brain stops functioning and one starts acting bonkers!!

Mihir grinned.

Ishita grinned back at him.

Raman stood still trying to show a straight face when Mihir looked at him with a broad smile. His gaze shifted to the woman who was responsible for his miseries. She winked at him and smiled lovingly at him mouthing a bye as she closed the door, leaving him more than ever in love.